My 19 year old son died on 9-2-2018

I had a strength take over my body for the viewing and the funeral that I am not used to. My son and I were very close so I did his eulogy. I thought that I would cry and not be able to speak. But I probably spoke for 30 minutes straight with only a few times that I had to take deep breaths to stop from crying. I was worried about all of the pain to hit me at once. But that isn’t really how it happened it was the day after the funeral which was yesterday the pain just gradually got worse like something was crushing me. I woke up today and was doing ok. My father n law came over and helped me fix my car. After he left the pain started all over again. I found my son dead in his room August 28. The doctors say he had meningitis and that is what caused his cardiac arrest. I gave him CPR for ten minutes until the first responder arrived. The first responder gave him CPR for 30 minutes. Then they rushed him to the hospital. The doctors did a cat scan on him and shared with me that he went without oxygen for too long so even if he did survive he would be a vegetable. On September 1 I asked that the doctors transfer control to the gift of life to take my son off of life support. 24 hours later they took him off of life support he died 3 hours later. Two years and nine months ago my son was in a very bad car accident it was a miracle that he survived. I am thankful for the 2 years and 9 months that I was able to have with him. My son suffered from a severe traumatic brain injury in that accident. He needed someone to care for him during the time after his accident. I was his primary caregiver. He was high functioning he just need guidance in his daily activities. His filter was also missing a bit so sometimes in town he would need me to defuse situations. I miss him a lot. Prior to my son dying my wife watched nonstop murder shows fiction and nonfiction. I can’t handle them shows now and I don’t think I ever will be interested in watching them. Should I ask my wife not to watch them? I bought a book about the seven stages of grief. I am worried that it says it can take 1 to 2 years to get through the seven stages. Right now I am laying on the ground near a pond that my son and I used to go to a lot so he could frog hunt. Thank you for any input you have.

 

Hi Derek, I'm so sorry about your loss. I lost my husband to an auto wreck a month ago, his was sudden or so I've been told. I've read that it can take 6 months to two years for the grieving process but it doesn't hurt this bad through the whole process. I wish I could agree with that, but I'm new to this process also. As far as your wife watching those shows, I think you do have a right to ask her not to watch them with you. Maybe one of you could go to another room while they're on or she could watch them on demand?

 

Very sorry to hear about your son. It does not surprise me that you were able to make it through the funeral okay - and even speak at it. I think we are often numb when dealing with the loss of a loved one - especially if it happened suddenly. Once the initial shock wears off, the grieving can begin. I have no advice, but I hope you find this site helpful.

 

Derek, oh my goodness ... I am trying to catch my breath .... you won't believe this .... I just joined this site as I was looking for a sign that I was on the right path to write this Doctor to be an Advisor for the non-profit I founded in honour of my son ... who died on Nov. 4, 2011 due to meningitis! My name is Janet, and my beautiful son was 23-years old and 1-month away from completing his BA degree at University. He was also a BC Children's cancer survivor. He was diagnosed 13-days after his 1st birthday, and at the age of 23 he still was still going to Children's Hospital for check-ups. He was cured of cancer, but nobody told us about a 4-strain meningitis vaccine that would of saved his life. We learned about it in the morgue. Since Nov. 5, 2011, I have been fighting the British Columbia, Canada Government to implement the 4-strain meningitis vaccine that would of not only of saved my son ... but 5- other BC kids that died around the same time, from the Y-strain meningitis. I am assuming you are in the States, and most States the kids have been vaccinated with the 4-strain meningitis vaccine. However, in April 2014 at Princeton University is when the first outbreak of Men-B occurred and it has been the "smoking gun" across USA university and colleges ever since. I believe late in 2015, your FDA approved the use of Bexsero (Men-B vaccine), that some states now have legislated laws that first year students must get this vaccine prior to entering your post-secondary institutions. I know, to hear this now after the fact, just feels like an arrow shooting through you heart; adding salt to the already open, bleeding wound. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son, and the struggles you have endured to ensure you gave him a quality life. But know this, he knew you loved him and were proud of him. Us parents that have lost our children, they are forever with us, and trust me ... when you least expect it ... they show you signs that they are still with you. Grief is very powerful, because the pain that we feel, is the depth of love that we had for the person we lost. Grief is not about following 7-steps, every body grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way, and there are no instructions or time-frame ... the same way we were brought into this world. I know my mother told me .. I didn't come with a manual. It is the same for death. For me personally, on Aug. 26, 2018 would of been my son's 30th birthday, and I cried and wish he could have been there at his brother's wedding, I wish he could meet his niece, my granddaughter ... life goes on .. but our love ones spirit is living with us every day ... proof of that is finding this sight and the first person's story I read ... was yours! Sending my love, light, strength and healing energy towards finding peace and acceptance to help you and your family through this difficult grieving journey.