Lost the love of my life

On February 22, 2020 my life ended. My husband of 33 years passed away suddenly. He had health problems but he always came home from the hospital. From the time he went into the ER until his death it was 2 weeks. I knew him for 38 years.

He was disabled ( bad back and heart) and I worked. He was my life. We didn’t have children. He did everything for me. He was my life, my love, my rock, my best friend, my everything.

I lost my life and my future. He was 55 years old. We were supposed to grow old together. How do I live without him? The sorrow and emptiness is unbearable. I died that day too.

I can’t look at a picture of him without breaking down. The nights and the weekends a re unbearable. With the social distancing I only go see my mother in law. It is so lonely without him.

I don’t know if I can go on without him. I can’t see a future without him. What future?

it has been two months and people stopped calling. They think I should be feeling better. I was laid off like so many others coupled with his death, I have no words.

 

I am sorry you going through this. I dont no how people think you are suppose to be feeling better. You lost a part of you. You havnt had a lot of time. Time doesn't heal you it just make it easier 4 you to be able deal with the loss. You need to talk it out and have people there for you. I'm here

 

I am sorry, you are feeling so down , I know the pain seems unbearable, like in your case, my wife of 24 years died last January after battling breast cancer for 10 years. These last three months have been so hard, the weekends are specially hard for me. Please remember that although we loved our spouses so much, we are still alive and we need to keep living to honor their memory . I do not know if you and our husband spoke about this situation before he passed, in my case, my wife told me to keep living, we have three daughters and so everyday, I fight for peace, for sanity, and everyday, I cry my heart out and I thank the Lord, that I am still alive and healthy, and most importantly I thank the Lord for giving me my wife for 24 wonderful years. Please keep fighting, call people, do not wait for them to call you,most people are affraid to call us widows and widowers, they think we want to be left alone.

 

Mimi,

I am truly sorry for the loss of your husband. Of course it is hard to cope with his loss. I know when I lost my wife I felt the same.

Please just take each day with caution, as you try to tolerate the pain of the loss. Time can seem so long during the day, and the nights can be lonely. You need to open up as much as your heart will allow it. Talking over time will help you slowly. The pain from this absence, of course, is hard to accept, but by opening-up with your feelings it can help you to cope.

There are no easy answers. We each will handle our loss so differently. As long as you will show faith in yourself, and let your heart, mind, and soul be your guide it can make your loss easier over time.

If you can reach any support by phone, like a counselor, psychiatrist, and/or priest that can help a lot. Talk with family as much as possible. Keep reaching out to your mother-in-law you both need each other's support.

Please take care of your well-being, and never give up and give in to despair, as that can lead to depression. Peace be with you today and the days forward.

-david

For the one you miss

 

Dear Mimi99,
I know how you feel and how hard and hopeless it is to be in this situation. I lost the love of my life Peg, on Nov 2/19 suddenly from a brain aneurysm.My children are grown and don't live with me. I'm alone and my future and retirement plans are shot. I know how I felt at 2 months. It's so hard to see anything to look forward to. Most if not all of my friends and family had gone back to their lives and didn't want to talk about it anymore. It's horrible and I'm so sorry you're in this place. The only advice I have for you is take care of yourself. Eat right, sleep well. Grief is stressful and hard on your body and life. Don't expect too much of yourself. Go easy and just take one hour, one day at a time. There will be ups and downs but I promise you it will get a little easier as the months go by. I still cry at least once almost every day but some days I don't. The loneliness and the nights at home are still the worst hours I certainly agree with you on that! Good luck to you in this terrible time. Talking helps us live on.

 

My kids are the only thing that get me through the day. I no I have to be strong for them. I'm not sure if people think I want to be alone or if they just think I should be ok. I'm not ok though. I think this group will help though cause we all fell bout alike.

 

Well, you are hearing all the stories now. You are not alone. Does that help? Maybe, maybe not. I lost my husband after 25 years in November. 5 months + some change. Sudden heart attack. We had just spent our wedding anniversary in Spain the week before he died, where his family is from. My kids? 16 and 22. I met him when I was 19. Ok. That's my story. But what does that matter, as I started to say. I don't know. I didn't join a group, I did this late in the game (according to my Dad) but I appreciate it somehow, listening and realizing that there is so much suffering that we share, us vulnerable fragile humans who suddenly realize (or maybe you knew??) that death is random and unknowing, it is always there and yet we rarely face it when things are running smoothly and most importantly, that life can change suddenly and we are asked to make a decision. Do you want to live? And now that you have loved deeply, and have this second life, so to speak, how do you want to live? It is simple as that. There's a decision to make. I don't fear you will make the wrong decision because in the end, this inner force emerges inside of us. It is called the will to live. We are biologically wired to survive and to transmute all situations into new life. Keep talking and sharing. Accept the crazy in you and around you, do what you must to crawl through the worst days, lean on someone when you need to, and expect that now that must grapple with the dark night of the soul, and you have no choice really, but to go through it, and see, for a moment, if you can possible take a moment to see, that there is always, always a moment when we come out on the other side.

 

Mimi, your story is so close to mine. My husband also 55, we knew each other 37 years, also no kids. He passed in December. Like you we were going to grow old together, he was just in the process of closing his business getting ready to retire. On and off hospitalizations since 2015, he always came home, and yes, I had been told more than a few times that he may not make it. He always did, so this time I wasn't ready, well you're never ready. But this time a couple of days before he was doing better and we were discussing where he was going to go for rehab, and getting him on the heart/lung transplant list. Like you, beyond words.

All I can say, is it does get better. I have pictures of us up, and they do make me weepy, but now they also make me smile. I agree with KVR we're wired to survive. I think feeling the grief is a part of that survival, I think of it like a scab covering a wound, that scab stays there until the wound heals, the itching is a part of the process the pain. Rip it off too soon you have to start the process again.

Keep writing on here when you feel the need. Same issue, people have stopped calling, so now I reach out. It's not easy because I don't like asking for help, most people don't. I wish I had some magical advice, I don't. All I can is I'll be thinking of you.

 

My daughter was married exactly a year and she lost the love of her life on 23 February 2020.
She chokes with pain when she cries and I being her mother, is so heart wrenching to see her go through all this emptiness and pain.
The family is there for her but I need help as to how to deal with her.
My son in law was my best friend too.im going through a lot myself and have to stand with courage to support my daughter
It's very very difficult.
I understand what each of you are going through as it happens at home every minute of the day

 

Ht21,

I am so sad hearing of the loss of your daughter's husband. Your daughter is caught between two worlds right now. One the one hand her heart does not want to accept the loss and wishes to never face that reality, then on the other hand, in this world she feels that empty presence in her life so strongly. This loss is never going to be easy to face, let alone come to terms with.

Of course we hug those who are missing and some days are going to be one where every second will seem to last for a lifetime, and every sound will sound like fingers across a chalkboard. She will of course be reminded of her loss, which of course is extremely strong with pain right now. As she comes across items that were his, letters, cards, clothes, and even spaces where he may of sat most will bother her. When she gets in a car, there will be an empty spot and even his what she might feel is his essence. The room they shared will be the hardest to face, to open the door, to turn on the lights in the day and at night to never let them go off.

I remember when I lost my wife of 42 years to cancer, the last 6 months were the hardest, my two sons were almost out of minds, dreading the passage of days, finding each word we spoke to her so much harder, and always, and I mean always worried our hugs were hurting her, our kisses we helping. I think we could have seen ourselves being like Thelma and Louise in the end. But thanks to my wife's sister, and her niece they came and lived with us the last three months of her life. They gave us a renewed hope, a reason to hang on, to accept what we each were about to face and for that I will never be able to repay them. It has been over 5 years now since her passing.

So Ht21, your daughter, you, and all the others who are affected have to find a way forward. I don't have the perfect answers. I will tell you how I handled life after I lost the love of my life. At first I was in a tither, having no idea to face this new absence - sure I had 10 years to prepare, but that too was not long enough. When you love someone with your entire being, life in and of itself is such a mystery. You might sit and ask why.

So I slowly sat for hours, days in fact in thought, my two sons were withdrawn to their room, always so quiet like me. But one day as I heard music on the tv, it was a little girl playing a song on the violin, it was so beautiful to me. I needed to know the words and found out Carrie Underwood sang the song, and so I also then found and played them both. I think I replayed them over and over for how long I do not know.

These are those two songs.

and then this

I don't know, this started my first step in the right direction. I am not saying these songs will have an impact on your life, but they did for me. So each day forward, I listened to music, mainly violin at first for some reason, later, a month or more I added songs with words to my collection on YouTube.com

This is the collection I gathered, it is free to listen to no subscription necessary:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkOiFVSICXoJFxZsKk4micA/playlists?view_as=new+visitor

So how you approach your daughter remember what her hobbies were. Did she have favorites?
It is not easy, it will take time. Grief is powerful. Tears are plentiful.

If you can get her to any professional help even in this period of isolation. My two sons have had doctors appointments via video on the internet, so I know it can be done.

Just keep offering your support, family support, asking her friends to reach out to her, and in short never stopping. I hope the best for you both. Take care. Peace be with you.

-david

Another song for you today

 

I lost my fiancee March 2020. It hurts like no other pain I've ever experienced. I've lost love ones before but a different feeling. It's like a piece of me is gone. So the only thing you can do for your daughter is what you're doing. Be their let her cry. Let her vent when she need to and just listen when she need you too. Hope it get better 4 her.

 

Hi Sweetcole!
Thank you for listening to me and telling me I'm doing ok.
Feel your pain too.its very very difficult.
Will not say move forward .I think that phrase hurts even more.
Sending you hugs and a healing touch.

 

You are welcome. It is a difficult pain that's how I no what your daughter is going through. Everyday is a challenge. I pray for strength to get through it. I stay strong for my kids. Sometimes I feel like like I'm grieving for them and myself. Thanks for sending hugs. I appreciate it. I hope that your daughter healing process gets easier for her with your support.

 

Dearest Mimi, I just recieved this e-mail this morning. It was composed by an unknown author and says it better than I ever could....Love & Prayers, Dennis