Lost Husband 2/20/2021 Devasted

Hi, Lou. And thank you. I'm so glad I reached out to comfort Nancy as well. And because Keith's death is so recent, my emotions are raw, and I have been having, like everyone else here has had, an extremely, so very painful time getting through each and every day, but at the sane time I want to be supportive and let her know that I completely understand the pain she is going through. And I'm so glad that you told Nancy that I and Karen live in California, and that Karen responded to her also. And how are you doing? I'm hoping that you are having a as many breaks from Mr Grief as much as you possibly can... because we all need to be able to do that. And please feel free to reach out to me anytime. And you are in my thoughts.
Take care always
Debra

 

Thanks for asking how I am,Debra. I was
depressed Thurs night bc I knew I'd be
trapped inside all day on Friday, bc of a
snowstorm. Really pray it's the last one.
I was in a much better mood today. The
sun was shining & it was good to see a
blue sky again. After shoveling my front
steps, I walked to a cafe, which has live
music. I've become friends with the
drummer, a married guy my age. We've
gone out for breakfast or lunch during
the week. We were joined one time, by
another friend, who's a veteran ( I'm
not). The vet & I formed a bond,bc his
wife, of many years, died 2 years ago,
and my wife, Linda, died 3 years ago.
He has a married daughter & 2 grandchildren,so our situations are
different, but we have a lot of laughs. Lou

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for your strength with each passing day.

 

You're welcome, Lou. And I'm so sorry that you were depressed Thursday night bc you knew you would be trapped inside all day Friday bc of a snowstorm. And I would have felt the same way, bc having to stay in all day really is so depressing... And I will be praying that it will be the last one. And I'm so glad that you were in a much better mood today, and that the sun was shining, and I know it does feel good to see a blue sky again. And it is so awesome that after shoveling your walk, you walked to a Cafe that has live music, and that you have became friends with the drummer and you have gone out to breakfast or lunch during the week. And it's great that you were joined one time by a vet who you have formed a bond with. And I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife, as well as the loss of your friend's wife....
And at the same time, it is good that you have made friends with each other so that you can be supportive of one another. And I do feel like it does help to go out, and get those breaks from Mr. Grief as much as we can!!
And just enjoying each other's company as well as having the support of our friends and having lots of laughs is really helpful emotionally. And so I'm so glad that you have been doing that. And thank you so much for your reply. And know that you will be in my thoughts.

Take care always
Debra

be depressing. I know it is for me... and although your situations are different, it's great that you have a lot of laughs! And hopefully you will, as we go from winter into spring, will be able to get together with friends as well as do the kinds of things that help you to have days in which you have things to look forward to, and that will give you those breaks from Mr. Grief!!

 

And it looks like my message got a bit messed up, sorry... I was typing it in my phone...

 

How are you doing tonight, Nancy?
Is this the first time you’ve been back in your house since Sunday?
~B

 

Lou I hope you’ll excuse me for having a LMSO(laugh my sad off) when Nancy addressed you as Van. LMSOs are worth their weight in gold now. Especially after waking up in a depressed state of mind today. Thank goodness I have plans with my niece Laura to go fishing today. Laura lives across the road from a lake less than 30 minutes from home. I hope you get the chance to get outside today and be with your drummer friend and meet new people. Gary

 

Gary, always happy to give you a LMSO.
It's cold, but sunny, with blue skies, so I'm
in a better mood than I was the night
before the snowstorm on Friday. The
cafe with live music is closing for month
of March, so the owners can travel and
get ideas for their menu. My drummer
married friend, & I go out to breakfast
or lunch. Glad you are not alone, & can
fish with Laura. Lou

 

Thanks Lou. I was able to jump start my mood with a some mindfulness tai chi stretching exercises cartoons and playing AARP.org staying sharp games. I wasn’t hitting on all cylinders when I left home. And I felt awkward being with Laura at first but the sun the lake and Laura’s presence made feel like a whole person again. We were on the ice three hours. Laura caught 4 perch to my 3. It was a very good experience. This is Laura’s first year ice fishing. I told Laura about the book Invisible Ink and how I felt Cheryl near me at times. Cheryl loved Laura as much as Cheryl loved her nieces. Laura loved Cheryl. The sisters gave Laura forth pick on Cheryl’s jewelry. I feel really good now knowing it’s a constant change of good and not good. Gary

 

Nancy, I truly welcome you to our site. I've been on this forum for 1 year. I lost my husband, Jack, 1 year ago and 3 months. He died at home after 9 months with cancer and was with me in his hospital room in our living room when he passed. It's so new for you, I remember how it was at first, shock, unbelief to say the least. I'm very glad you are with us because we all are going through this horrible journey of aloneness, griefing for him/her to come back, survival. As you read others on this forum you will find comfort as I have and still do.
May I ask what part of Northern Calif are you from? I ask because I'm in Northern Calif too, between Sacramento and Tahoe.

No need to apologize for foggy brain or thank yous on this site. Blessings to you, I feel your shock Nancy, I really do.

 

Sorry to hear this, Lou. The weather does impact our moods.

Lou, again, thank you. My husband coded three times, the last in the hospital with the staff inviting me and my grown son in to watch this horrible thing. There had to be at least 25 medical staff, some I guess in training. He died in front of us hooked up to a million tubes. Even then I didn't get it. I asked the doctor now what do we do. She put her face close to mine and said, he's gone. Then it sunk in. He was my world and life after 30 years. I thank you again for the sanity-saving comments. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow since we been going to the same one forever. Just trying to remain sane and not completely lose it.

 

Nancy, my name is Karen as you may see on some posts. CJ Pines is just my member name. I live in Calif. and lost my hubby 1 year ago after 39 years and 3 years of knowing him. The transformation of losing your soulmate is something I can't describe. I love my husband, Jack, and I hang on to memories even if they make me cry. I know I will be with him again when the Lord takes me. Blessings, my heart breaks for your loss, Karen

 

Nancy,

My name is Chad and I lost the love of my life, Lizzy, late Oct of last year after almost 9 years of marriage. She was 39. I feel your pain and am sorry for your loss. This has been the worst time of my life but I am thankful for this site and TGWs. Glad you found us.

-Chad

 

Lou,

I was also unable to finish the Widower's Notebook and still haven't picked it back up. I do plan on finishing it at some point, though.

-Chad

 

Chad, woke up in middle of night &
checked GIC. I usually tap "LIKE" to
someone's post, when I'm tired, but I
wanted to reply to you. Jonathan's book
has to be read in the daytime, bc parts of
it are too stirring at night. He has amazing
chapters later in the book, like Stupid
Things Said By Smart People and Good
Friends, Bad Friends. Most of us on GIC
can relate to these 2 chapters. Later, he
has a chapter about being with a much
younger woman, a former student, which
made me laugh. I urge you to finish the
book when you're ready, Chad. Lou

 

Nancy,

I briefly attended a bereavement support group. The social worker who ran the group was his wife's caregiver for several years before she passed away. He said much the same thing you said. He said he knew lots about grief, but, and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, everything he thought he knew, sort of flew out the window when his wife, his "person," died. There is NO!!! way anyone could possibly have any idea what this total heartbreak is truly like unless experiencing it themselves. It is the absolute worst kind of pain imaginable... He was a wonderful facilitator. I think the death of his wife, had lots to do with this.

I'm glad you have a supportive son and were able to stay with him after your husband's death. I vividly remember how I felt right after Bob died. Even though I knew he was going to die, his death still felt unexpected. I felt like it couldn't really have happened, it was so surreal... I HATED!!! being alone..., in our house..., and in between all those miserable, necessary tasks that we're forced to do, that feel so overwhelming, I got out of the house every chance I could. I did lots of window shopping, ran errands that could have easily waited, and walked.

I hope you did okay at home after returning from your son's house. My heart goes out to you because I remember how difficult it was being alone at first, it was the absolute worst feeling in the entire world... All those memories that kept invading my mind, with no way to stop them, whether good or bad, had me in tears... I cried and cried and cried.... until I couldn't cry anymore. And then, another memory, more tears, etc., etc., etc., When I first found GIC, I used to say that I wish I could find an "off switch" for my brain. What I didn't know then, but know now, is while I was home alone, so sad... crying so much..., I thought I would never be able to stop..., I was beginning to do all the hard work necessary to heal. Now, in a very twisted sort of way, although it SUCKED!!!, BIG!!! TIME!!!, TU!!!, I'm glad I couldn't run away from my grief. If I had, I think, over 10 months later, I wouldn't be as far along in this miserable process/journey (for lack of better words) as I am. I want to share this with you, to remind you, even though I'm sure you already know, you ARE!!! healing, and also from personal experience, life gets a little easier the more time that goes by.

Sending zillions of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Nancy,

I wish I could reach across the miles and wrap you in the biggest hug ever... I'm so very sorry you and your son witnessed your husband's death. It's making me teary eyed... I "get" that moment of disbelief, of shock, not able to comprehend that your husband, the one true love of your life, has died. It SUCKS!!! Although I wasn't allowed to be with my husband while he was dying, I was made to leave the room,with phone in hand, just as my oldest son, who lives outside of the US, was telling his dad, for what would be the very last time, he loved him, me being escorted out, before my husband who was very weak, could respond. I knew my husband was trying to say something as I was made to leave. I was told to go into the waiting area, but was so upset, I asked if there was a more private place I could wait. The staff let me wait in a small room, what was used as a supply closet, stacked with boxes, with one uncomfortable folding metal chair, and a sink across from it. From this room, I could see the room my husband was in. I could see all medical staff racing into it. Approximately 45 minutes later, I saw someone come out of the room, toss his gloves in a trash can, and quickly walk away. I knew then, Bob, my "person..." was dead. But, even though I knew this, I thought I was in the very worst nightmare I had ever experienced, and would wake to find Bob beside me, his arms wrapped around me, the sun streaming in through the plantation shutters in our bedroom, as we woke up to begin another day.

When I was finally allowed to see him, I will NEVER!!! be able to get that last horrible image of him out of my head... Wrapped in white, the tube still down his throat, attached by a band around his face, lying on that same uncomfortable stretcher, in that same miserable, cold, sterile ER bay, that he had been wheeled into the night before. I ran to him, hugged him..., couldn't let go..., tears streaming down my face..., telling him over and over and over again, how much I loved him... In my head I knew he was dead, but in my heart, I couldn't fully accept this, it was way too surreal... I remember finally being able to leave him. It took every bit of courage I had to walk out of that room,, only to be told by a nurse, that I needed to go back inside Bob's room, wait for a social worker to talk to me before I could leave. If the nurse had any compassion whatsoever, she would have let me wait somewhere else. I DID NOT!!! want to go back into that room, EVER!!! again.

Long story short, when the social worker finally arrived, she routinely handed me a list of funeral homes, made me sign some forms, to this day, I have no idea what I signed, and asked if I wanted someone to escort me to my car. I wanted to be left alone and refused an escort even though it was very early in the morning, the parking lot eerily empty... I got into my car, in the darkness..., crying..., not believing the events of the previous night right up until this moment. My children live far away from me, my oldest couldn't leave the country he lives in because of COVID restrictions, but my youngest son and daughter had booked plane flights. My son arrived that evening, and my daughter, the very next day. Backing up a bit, my children had been on the phone with me since my husband was taken by ambulance the previous night, my youngest son remained on the phone with me during the car ride home that early morning, then my daughter stayed on the phone with me once I arrived home for several more hours, offering to stay on the phone while I tried to sleep. I thanked her, but told her to get as much rest as she could because she had a very long plane flight ahead of her. I couldn't sleep. I had been awake for over 48 hours.

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and went for your doctor's appointment. Being gently with yourself, taking care of yourself the best you possibly can, doing all the hard work grief is forcing you to do, will help you continue to move forward... I believe this is the very best way you can honor your husband's memory...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary,

I agree... TUTTAM!!! (My new spicier version, TU TO THE ABSOLUTE MAX) This foggy widow brain made it difficult for me to remember all those letters, but and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, to my surprise, I think I've outsmarted my foggy widow brain, lol... I hope I didn't speak too soon. Time will tell... What I was starting to say before beginning to get carried away, is that those LMSO moments are way beyond necessary. It was only after the first time I laughed without "faking" it, as Karen sometimes says, that I realized that I am going to be okay, not as happy, but, and this is my last one of those really BIG BUTS!!! for now, happy in a new kind of way, always so bittersweet. Sadly this is my reality, all of our realities, so I'll take bittersweet anytime!!!, TUTTAM!!!, rather than "marianate" (to use a word borrowed from Tom Zuba in his second book), in the sadness that comes from knowing the one true love of your life is NEVER!!! coming home. I know Cheryl, Linda, Bob, and everyone else's one true love of their lives, are so proud of us, of how we bravely battle Mr. Grief each and every day, NEVER!!! giving up, determined to move ahead. WE CAN AND WILL DO THIS TOGETHER!!! WE ARE TGW!!!

I hope you and Laura enjoyed fishing yesterday. Being outside in nature, experiencing all of the beauty God created, is absolutely one of the best ways I know to keep Mr. Grief from suffocating me, TUTTAM!!! (This is now beginning to grow a little stale!!!)

Hope today you have at least one, but hopefully many more reasons to LMSO...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Chad,

I haven't "talked" to you for awhile... I'm so grateful for TGW too!!!, TU!!! I'm convinced I wouldn't be as far along in this miserable journey (for lack of a better word) if I didn't have my GIC friends. As much as I HATE!!! to see new GW, I'm so very glad when they find us. No one should ever have to suffer through this alone... Together we CAN AND WILL WIN this seemingly never ending battle against Mr. Grief. Mr. Grief doesn't stand a chance around TGW!!!

Thinking of you today, hoping you have at least one reason to LMSO, but wishing for many more...

As always, sending you and Fergie lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB