Loss after three decade relationship.

I THINK 2 & 1/2 YEARS MAKES A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR STAGE OF GRIEF AS NOT SO PAINFUL EVERY MOMENT. DON'T YOU THINK SO?

I CANT WAIT TO MOVE ON AND CURSE THIS AWFUL GRIEF FEELING. YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH THE MOST PAINFUL TIME AFTER LINDA'S PASSING AND ARE STILL HERE ENJOYING NATURE AND YOUR SEASIDE HOME. TIME PASSES, TIME HEALS. KAREN

 

You are absolutely correct, Karen. Back
then, I didn't look both ways when I
crossed the street. Why should I live
by the ocean& laugh with friends ( she
never knew, but would have liked). I had
survivor's guilt, & couldn't even look at
myself in the mirror, without swearing.
People save me, & I help them.

 

YOU'VE MADE TREMENDOUS STRIDES, BE PROUD. LINDA WOULD BE PROUD, NO GUILT. WHY SHOULD WE PUNISH OURSELVES WITH GUILT WHEN OUR LOVE ONES ARE IN GODS PARADISE WHERE THERE IS NO GUILT. GUILT IS A HUMAN EMOTION, NOT SPIRITUAL. JUST MY OPINION.

I THINK ABOUT MY GUILT, BUT I KNOW I DID THE BEST I COULD TAKING CARE OF JACK. AT THAT TIME I WAS SLEEPING ON THE COUCH BY HIS HOSPITAL BED. I HAD SO MANY ACHES AND PAINS TRYING TO PHYSICALLY MOVE HIM, CHANGED HIM I WAS CRABBY AND SORE. HE KNEW IT. I WAS NOT FEELING WELL, THEREFORE IT BECAME HARD CARE TAKING, AND THINGS I WISHED I COULD OF TOLD HIM. HE KNEW I LOVED HIM THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERED. MY GUILT HAS PASSED, I DID MY BEST.

FOR ALL OF YOU, YOU DID YOUR BEST, DON'T BEAT YOURSELVES UP WITH, 'I COULD OF, I SHOULD OF'. KEEP STEADY IN FAITH. KAREN

 

Lou,

I take 5 mg of melatonin every night before bed. It helps me fall asleep, but not stay asleep. I'm going to try doing everything else that worked for you.
Thank you so much for sharing!

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

Thank you, Karen. I try to be grateful
to be alive. Lately, live music, with friends,
has fed my soul. I've become a true
people person. People like me bc I smile,
have a self deprecating sense of humor,
& above all, listen to other people's
stories, happy or sad. I wish this for you,
Karen, when you're ready. You & I have
a lot of love to give. Lou

 

Deb, I'm glad to help anytime.You may
have to see a doctor, or nurse practitioner
like I did. I would be an angry wreck.
without sleep. Lou

 

Hi Deb, I received your message but don't know how to reply to one on the sight,I
our daughter and so in law are quarantined as they were exposed to coved.
My prayers are with everyone. Hope Karen's arm is healing real well. Patti
I haven't talked much about loosing my husband and wish I could, it will be five years in
November,

 

THIS IS KAREN, SLOW PROCESS WITH MY ARM, IN A SLING UNTIL OCT 1. MISSING MY HUBBY, HE NEEDS TO COME BACK AND TAKE OF ME. THANKS FOR ASKING. K
HOPING FOR THE BEST FOR YOUR DAUGHTER AND SON-IN-LAW.

 

Hi Karen, thanks for replying.I recently had to have another skin cancer removed and I find it so hard
Going through these times, I am also quarantined, thankful don't need
To grocery shop. Having really hard time today, I pray it gets easier on
This journey. Stormy today and will be this coming week. I read you are thinking of making a move,
It was hard for me to do, but here I am and trying to make the best of it.hope Deb sees my post too.

 

Patti, you're doing fine on Grief in
Common. I finally learned to keep
following the "thread". So sorry you are
in quarantine. Hope you feel better &
get outside soon. Lou. (Van Gogh)

 

Hi Lou, thank you. Not doing better with grieving, haven't been
Able to really talk about loosing my husband. Still cry every morning when I awake,
the first year was the hardest
Took care of him day and night his last nine years of Parkinsons,
We were married 61 years when God called him to Heaven. I call out to God
Everyday to help get through each day, and thank Him for enabling me
With the good health to do all I could for my dear husband. I look forward to
Getting outdoors, I walk a lot, get three miles each evening. Patti

 

I also believe God knew that if my husband survived the heart attack that followed his fall, if he still knew who I was when he woke up, the Parkinson's Disease that had already begun to strip him bit by bit of his memory, would finish the job. My husband, as I knew him, as his family and friends knew him, would no longer be here. He would have become just a "shell" of who he was. As hard as this is for me to say, I'm grateful God didn't let this happen.

Years ago, there was a no pet policy in the first apartment my husband and I lived in together. We both loved animals (especially dogs) and couldn't wait until the lease was up, so we could move and adopt a "furry" family member. One day, I brought home a betta fish. It was the most beautiful shade of blue. We took care of it the best we could, but within a short time, we could tell it was sick. It looked worse with every passing day, no matter how hard we tried to save it. Finally, my husband told me it was time to give it a "burial at sea." The betta fish was barely alive. My husband put it out of it's misery. He flushed it down the toilet.

I thought I had forgotten about this fish, until my husband became sick. As I watched his health slowly deteriorate to the point where he needed a specialist for just about every body part, my husband reminded me of that beautiful blue fish...

Grief has a way of bringing old memories to the surface again, of making me relive every good and bad experience I've ever had... I want to get to the end of this miserable grief journey... But, as you said, all we can do is to take it one day at a time, get through each and every day the very best we possibly can. We can and will eventually get to the end of our miserable grief journeys. We will do this with the support from all those who are close to us, and especially from everyone who understands the total heartbreak that happens when you lose someone who you loved, still love with all your heart...

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, wishing all of us peace.

 

One of things I like about a forum like this is each person has their own way of dealing with the loss of their husband or wife. Each person can say or not say the specifics of their grief. You can share as much or as little as you are able. Your way of dealing with grief is your way. Maybe someday you can say what you want to say.
When Mary and I first got married she would always comment, "I've never seen anyone as stoic as you." I would not open up or share whatever I was thinking or feeling. With her or anyone else. She pulled me out of the shell I made for myself.
When she passed away, I thought about what I could do to let the grief out. I can not keep things bottled up anymore. I look at different forums. I'm looking at finding a group to work through the grief. And I pray. What works for me may not work for someone else. Yes, it can be scary to put one's feelings out in front of others. But I think each person here in this forum can say that it helps. Maybe a little at one time. Maybe a lot another time.
Do not worry about whether you can share about your husband. Move at your own pace.
It is not easy to go through this loss and the grief. I, for one, struggle a lot with the end of a 30 year relationship.
May you find peace in the words people say here. And enjoy your walks.

 

Thank you Oneman, your posting helped me, my husband was diagnosed at age 57 with PD he struggled for years,
Then he fell suffering a traumatic brain injury, when I brought him home from hospital Specialists said he was not a candidate for rehab and would never be okay, I couldn't get Medicare to approve rehab, when time was right I bought a large erase board he was able to learn alphabet , numbers,etc. when it came to simple math I used a deck of cards, with God's help and guidance (the doctors saw that God proved them wrong. )
His voice was whispers, he was not able to care or do for himself . It was heartbreaking,
but I felt joy and thankfulness for that which God enabled him to regain ,the last nine years of his life.
Thank you for your kind words , am crying while finishing this post. I felt like I was living his life for him (which he physically wasn't able to do) .
It isn't the number of years being married, it's the feeling of oneness in marriage.
This is the first I have openly spoken, praying it will help.Blessings, Patti

 

Patti,

I think if you hit the reply button in the bottom right hand corner of the conversation I started with you, I'll receive your response (similar to when you post a reply here.) If you try it, and it doesn't work, let me know.

I agree with Jim. You need to do whatever feels right for you. When you're ready to talk about your husband, we'll be here for you.

This pandemic is so scary... I'm so sorry you are back in quarantine. Praying you and your family stay safe...

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, wishing all of us peace.

 

Patti,

Words are totally inadequate, but I want you to know I'm so sorry for your loss. From reading what you just wrote, the love that you had, still have, for your husband shines through your words. You did everything you possibly could to help your husband, and even managed to do what the so called "experts" said was impossible. You are a very strong, loving, patient, and courageous woman.

I'm super frazzled and unable to put all of my thoughts into words, but I want you to know, I'm here for you. I'll write more when I can.

For now, sending you lots and lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

Patti, it is good to see you on this thread.
I was feeling down, & this group is lifting
my spirits bc we all care about each other.
You are brave, as all of us are, about
the physical death of our soulmates.
But, their spirits live on, in our hearts &
minds. God Bless You. Lou

 

Patti-
It is good that you shared. It may not seem like it now, but it will only help. The first entry in a forum can be scary. (What if no one answers? What if no one cares? Am I doing the right thing by sharing?) And all the other thoughts one will have. I'm speaking from my own experience.
I lost the one person that was important to me.. It was devastating to lose my wife. She was full of life one day, and ill the next day.

Your courage in the face of the odds is commendable.
Yes, I think you're right about quality over quantity. Years vs unity.

Thank you for sharing.

 

Patti, thank you for sharing the story of
the special fish, I'm connection with your
husband. What was his name? It helps to
say the name, out loud, to people. As I've
told others here, my wife's name was
Linda. Correction: in connection, not
"I'm connection".

 

Lou, you are not alone in your grief. There are so many widow and widowers. I didn’t realize this until I lost my dear Zlatko to COVID19 on June 23, 2020. I have lost my parent, and my brother along with other family members but the deepest, unbearable grief was and still is my husband. We just need to take baby steps, pray that God will show us the way and try to get out of ourselves. I am still trying to look for something to occupy my free time as the loneliness of him not being here is overwhelming. I am so sorry for your loss. God bless you, take care and stay safe.