Loss after three decade relationship.

My house is on the edge of town. And it is on the highest point in town. There are views in every direction and are unobstructed. When we moved into this house I made it a point to sit out on the back porch in the evening. Sometimes with my wife, but mostly by myself. It doesn't matter the time of year. It is a time to "ponder the universe". Sometimes I just soak in the quiet. Other times I'll speak to God. I will just say whatever I'm thinking about. No formal praying.
Sometimes I would be happy about what happened that day and just say a simple "thank you". Other times I would express my concern about something.
It is just a time to be out in creation and be one with it all.

For the past 4 1/2 months it has been different. I still went out on the back porch and sit (when I was not at the hospital). I sometimes called out to God. And sometimes I just didn't have anything to say.
I go out and sit now and just try to clear my head after the day's activities. I don't say much. I just listen. To the quiet. To a bird chirping off in the distance. It is a way for me to let God just be, and to let myself just be.
I am trying to come to a peacefulness in my life. I don't always succeed. The "silence", the missing of sharing life with Mary, and wondering "why?" These all, and other things, cause the tears, and heartbreak, and struggle.

I try to keep the spiritual aspect of my life simple. I just acknowledge that God is with me each day and try to do the best I can. It is all I can do for now.

 

Deb, I agree with your reply to Jim
(oneman) about the terrible silence of
not hearing your longtime soulmate's
voice. My grief counselor made an
analogy to an old slide projector. Just as
I was doing OK, a "slide", or image, of
Linda, would make me cry. Just
yesterday, I pictured her in her favorite
outfits, & I lost it. Lou

 

Thank you, Jim. Your sentiment about
God is beautiful. When I sit, looking at the
ocean, I thank God I live in such a
beautiful place that I can finally call
home.

 

JIM AND LOU, WHEN I READ YOUR POSTS REGARDING YOUR FAITH IN GOD AND YOUR GRATEFULNESS WHERE YOU LIVE, IT BROUGHT TEARS OF JOY FOR YOU BOTH. YOU BOTH ARE VERY BLESSED TO LIVE IN GODS BEAUTY. GODS PRESENCE YOU FEEL HAS RENEWED MY FAITH WHICH HAS BEEN LACKING. GODS PRESENCE CAME TO ME THIS MORNING SITING ON MY DECK WITH COFFEE BECAUSE OF YOUR TESTIMONIES. I'VE BEEN HANGING ON TO GOD BY A THREAD, JUST TO LET YOU KNOW YOU BOTH HAVE RENEWED MY FAITH. GODS BEAUTY IS EVERY WHERE IF WE JUST LOOK, HE IS OUR LIVING GOD. THANK YOU LOU AND JIM.

NOW I PRAY GOD HELPS US ALL PLOW THROUGH OUR GRIEF. HE'S THE ALMIGHTY. KAREN

 

Oh, Karen, thank you. I say a prayer of
gratitude to God, when I round the
corner from my apartment, in the
morning. I never know what the tides
will look like. I like to sit outside at a
breakfast place, where I talk with
locals ( regulars). Some are fishermen
& boaters, so the calmer weather is
vital for them. I've become a people
person, & kinder, since Linda's death.
I asked a couple from Texas to sit at my
table, bc there was a wait. They were
very spiritual, funny, & kind. They had
no children, also. I jokingly said I hoped
they would remember that a Northerner
was hospitable, just as Southerners were
hospitable to me. I told them there are no
coincidences, & that God brought this
couple to my town, to give me comfort
over Linda's death. I, in turn, showed
them around town. So happy you have a
renewed faith in God. I'm a better man
for it. Lou

 

THANKING YOU.

 

You're welcome, Karen!

 

Lou,

Those "grief bursts" happen so frequently for me... I can be having a good moment, then, a memory will suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, pop into my mind... The tears start flowing... Where is that off switch for my brain? Sometimes I just need a break, (I'm guessing others here do too), but there is no way to escape from this miserable journey. I know I have to go through all of this misery to (hopefully!!) reach the end of this rocky path, filled with detours, twists and turns along the way. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much...

As always sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

Thank you.
The things that happen aren't always easy. Like losing the love of one's life. But I can turn to God and cry. In other moments I can turn to God and laugh. This all I can do.
Why things happen we may not know for now. Maybe someday we will. But for now all I have is my faith. All I have is God being here.
Sometimes that thread is all we have to hang onto.

 

Deb, everyone is different, but my
salvation is keeping old friends, with
whom to share a laugh, & to meet new ones. I practice kindness, like today, in
a small restaurant near me. An older
couple needed a place to sit down &
recharge her phone. The woman had a
pleasing, warm Southern accent. I invited
them to sit with me. I asked where they
were from (Texas). Well, over lemonade,
on a hot day outside, we talked about
many things. They were here for a
wedding. I told then my town was
having a special celebration tomorrow,
with live bands, lanterns lighting up the
night, & fireworks at 9pm. The wonan,
who was more outgoing than her
husband, was excited about staying
another night. We had a "moment".
I told them I was a widower, & they
were compassionate, The woman
looked at her husband, & said that if
anything happened to him, she would
move, bc the memories would be EXTRA
painful. God Bless You, Deb, I hope you
can get out among people, too. Lou

 

Amen, brother Jim. Lou

 

Yes, I can see this. I'll be doing something and the very thought of Mary brings tears. But I don't try to stop it or "turn it off". Yes, it hurts. A lot. More than words can express.
After 30 years of how life was, and now it is different. How do we get through the loss and the hurt? This is what is hard to understand.

 

I know that it's better to just let the tears flow, but sometimes, I feel like I just can't take any more of this never ending pain... Grieving is so totally exhausting, both mentally and physically. Today in my bereavement group, a new friend asked me why I was so quiet, so unlike me during our meetings. I told him I'm feeling so wrung out, so tired, that all I could do was "listen." (Not sure if this makes any sense!)

I wish with all my heart, I had an answer for you, for all of us...

As always sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

What people don't understand(until they experience it themselves) is the emotional toll it does to a person. It is very exhausting. Too many nights I lay awake in bed because I am struggling in my emotions. That is when the physical toll , for me, happens. After a few days I feel like I want to just be left alone.

Deb321- Every time you right something it makes sense to me. And to others. Keep sharing. As difficult as it is, keep trying.

 

I used to enjoy writing and never had a problem expressing myself on paper. Sleep deprivation is the absolute worst!!

I will! This site has become one of my safe places. I've learned so much from coming here, from "listening" to everyone share their stories, their experiences, and share what has helped them so far, as they continue on their grief journeys.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

DEB, I AGREE--SLEEP DEPRIVATION IS THE WORST. 9 MOMTHS NOW WITHOUT MY HUSBAND AND I DONT SLEEP. I CAN TAKE NAPS DURING THE DAY, BUT WHEN MY HEAD HITS THE PILLOW AT NIGHT, ITS NO SLEEP. SERIOUSLY, I WALK THE HOUSE ALL NIGHT.

IF ONLY I COULD SLEEP, ITS THE STILL OF THE NIGHT THAT BRINGS ON MY THOUGHTS, TEARS, LONGINGS, FEARS, UNBELIEF'S, HES GONE FOREVER.

 

I also agree. I go to bed. Toss and turn for a long time. And get up and go in the living room.
When the activities and attentions of the day are over, that's when I miss my wife. The "distractions" stop. The missing starts.

"Forever". That kind of hit me when I read that. It is one thing to not see or hear the other person. It is another thing to realize Mary will not be here anymore.
And I caught myself turning around today expecting to see her or say something. The realization that she is not here, and won't be, is just starting to sink in. This is the struggle or pain or hurt (whatever one wants to call it) I feel now. She is not going to be here. Except in a picture and a memory.

 

Jim, you are courageous. Mary would have
wanted you to reach out to your brothers &
sisters in grief. I was hitting a Peggy Lee,
"Is that all there is...." phase. This site has
been a Godsend. When you feel up to it,
I strongly recommend The Widower's
Notebook, a memoir. Jonathan is like us.
Good writer. Lou

 

Last night I visited a friend and had an enjoyable evening. Although there were tears (she also lost her husband), there were laughs too. I couldn't believe how much better I felt after spending some time with her. This afternoon, alone, and lonely, in my house, waiting for the dryer to stop, the reality of my situation has hit me over the head (again) in full force. As you said referring to your husband, "he's gone forever." I know this is my reality too, but sometimes it still feels so unreal... I want off of this seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions!!! I feel so worn out..., so drained..., and the rest of today, all of tonight, is still ahead of me.

The dryer stopped. I have to go to the grocery store. I'm dreading it. Saturdays are filled with shoppers wearing cover ups and tee shirts over their swimsuits, flip flops on their feet, happily picking up drinks, snacks, etc, to bring to the beach. While I wouldn't want any of these people to be in my position (total understatement!!!), it's still difficult watching life go on all around me, people doing the same things that my husband and I used to do. Sadly, I took way too many simple pleasures in life for granted.

Although I tripped over a rock in the middle of this miserable path, I need to pick myself up, brush myself off, and move forward, traveling farther into my grief journey, (hopefully) one step closer to the end. I know my husband would want me to reach the end. I know my husband would want me to be happy. I want my husband to be proud of me. I'm trying so hard, but my heart has been ripped in half, and it hurts so much...

Sending many hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

My dear Deb & Karen, when I had
extreme bereavement & suicidal
ideations, the counselors & nurses
at the ER, & then short stay psychiatric
unit were concerned that I was up all
night. They allowed me to siti in the
common area, & write in my journal,
. write letters. They finally gave me a
small, over the counter Melatonin pill,
so I could nap for 4 hours. Gradually, I
didn't need it, but it was important for
me to go to bed & wake up the same time
every day. I limited naps to less than a
half hour, so as not to disrupt my sleep
at night. Stopping drinking alcohol
definitely helped. My dreams weren't as
awful. Once in a while, I have one about
Linda, but don't wake up sobbing, like I
did before. Hope this helps. Loud