Loss after three decade relationship.

Jim, you express so eloquently what all
of us feel. I will say that after 2 & a half
years, I don't wake up crying in the am,
or after a nap. I would be asking Linda
a question, in my dream, & when she
didn't answer, I would cry, or eventually,
softly swear. Now, I'm out of my place,
enjoying the summer. I've also started
smiling with friends, bc they know I'm a
widower, & I don't want to burden them
with my grief. That's why I still have a
weekly phone therapy session. I know it's
no consolation right now, Jim, but it DOES
get better. Lou

 

WHAT PART OF OREGON ARE YOU? I USED TO LIVE BY GRANTS PASS, NOW IN NORTH CALIF.

 

It is hard. Today is day 28. I decided to write him a letter and say the things I could not say when he fell. I knew it was severe but not the extent till I was told I needed to sign for brain surgery and life support. It was surreal. In my letter I am telling him how much I love and miss him. I wish I had told him more often what he meant to me. I miss his crazy sense of humor, his spirit with no matter what comes his way and holding him.

We all share the grief of our loved ones are no longer on earth with us physically. The hard part for me is once you live with your loved one, you become one. The better half of me was taken home. I am left broken hearted trying to carry on. If he awoke would not even know me. God knew this likely hood. He had other medical conditions that would have impacted him more. He was tired. He is no longer in pain. For him, I put him in hospice. The hardest thing I have ever done. Watching him slowly pass was hard. I watched his last breath. At that moment I knew I was alone without him. 49 years I was given with this wonderful man.
I am doing my best to make it one day at a time. Some better days and others are not.

 

Karen, glad you're talking with Jim.
Maybe Jim can suggest where to live
( & where NOT to live) in Oregon when
you move. I hear that Portland has
higher crime than it did when I was there
years ago. Lou

 

Oh, God, Connie, my heart breaks for you.
When Linda became ill, she requested
cremation, not to put her name in the
local obituaries, & to have a small
funeral. I granted all her wishes. The
funeral director asked me to do 3 things:
1st, pick out the outfit she would wear
( instead of a hospital gown), 2nd, to
write a letter to Linda, in a sealed
envelope, & 3rd, choose a memorial,
with her ashes inside. I chose a green
block, made in Maine, with Linda's
name (without birth & death dates--
bc her spirit is timeless), and a lighthouse
bc both of us loved the sea.

 

YES, PORTLAND IS NOT ON MY LIST, THANK U.

 

Thank God, Karen. After all you've been
through, you need a safe, quiet place.
When you're up to it, I hope there will
be plenty of entertainment near you. L

 

Writing a letter is an interesting thing. Something I might think about.
Yes there is a oneness about a relationship. It is the loss of that unity not being there anymore that makes it hard. 49 years of that unity, and the loss of it. I am so sorry for your loss.
It is things like humor, spirit, and all that make one love that person that one misses. My wife was one of the smartest people I ever knew. Masters degrees. Yes more than one. Read everything she could get her hands on. And we would just sit sometimes and have discussions. I only attended the school of hard knocks. But the discussions were good. I miss that.
I was with my wife when she passed. Nothing prepares a person for that moment of separation. I am so sorry for you to feel that separation.

May you find peace each day.

 

I really feel for you, sorry you are going through this. Grief has a way of hanging around, you may feel ok one day and then bam it is back in full force.
It's been over 3 years for me. All our plans we had for the years to come have vanished, our dreams are no longer attainable. I cannot plan more than a day, maybe a week ahead. I feel like I need to find a direction to go, and start making new plans for my future. I miss us; the way we were together, and our fantastic future that has gone away; never to be.
There is one time during the day when I feel at peace, it's that brief moment between sleep and wake when everything is ok. How I wish Jeff was here.
Peace
Mary

 

I get the plans thing. We had all kinds of things lined up. Then she had to go to the hospital, and all the plans were "thrown out". I'm not sure of what the future has for me. I have thought of this or that. But it just doesn't feel right. I know it has only been a few weeks since my wife passed. And I know there is stuff to be done. It is difficult to think past what just happened, at least for now.Maybe there will come a day when I'll wake and look around and think, "This is my life now. What do I want to do with it?" For now I'm just trying to get through each day. Work through my thoughts and feelings.

I have yet to feel at ease in any part of the day. And like you and others have said, I wish Mary were here. I really miss her.

 

Jim, you seem to be facing horrible
grief over Mary's death --- alone. Every
one is different, but I was completely
alone in the world, no family or friends.
Linda was both. I had to go to the ER with
suicidal ideations & then a 5 night stay,
voluntarily, at a psychiatric unit, where
we had counselor led groups. The clients
cared about each other. I shared
Thanksgiving dinner with them. Otherwise, I would have been sobbing
at home. Upon discharge I met with a
psychiatric nurse practitioner weekly.
She kindly suggested Grief in Common,
videos, poems, books, & articles, to help
me work through grief. Now, I talk with a
different therapist in phone sessions on
Monday. He & I explore my dealings with
people, without Linda by my side. It's
been 2 & a half years, Jim. I have good
days & bad days, as everyone here. Give
yourself "Permission to Mourn", a great
book by Tom Zuba, who was suicidal
after the death of his baby girl, then his
wife, & then a son. He knew he had a
mission to raise his 2 other sons, & to
give lectures around the country, to help
others, like us. Lou

 

Mary, I feel deep sympathy for you &
others who've had loving marriages with
a soulmate. When my wife, Linda, of 25
years, died suddenly 2 & a half years ago,
I didn't care if I lived or died. When my
wife became ill, she had "the talk" with me. She told me to promise to be "happy"
if anything happened to her. Linda Also
surprised me by saying she didn't want
me to live alone, & to find another woman.
I agree, but under condition that if I do,
I keep my apartment, when I need quiet,
& time to grieve. No new woman will
"replace" Linda. Does anyone else here
feel this way? Lou

 

I have family, but they are all on the east coast. Because of the pandemic none were able to visit. My sister calls every so often. There are people here in this community that stop by on occasion.
All of these people are good. I appreciate what they are trying to do.
The reason I looked for a forum was to express my thoughts to those who understand. None of the above mentioned people have been through this. All of them has said as much also.
Even with all of those who "check" on me (I'm not suicidal, I enjoy life) the grief of a 30 year relationship suddenly being over is still there. I don't deny it is hard to deal with this grief. Yet those around me don't understand. My family doesn't understand.
I know I am not alone in dealing with the loss. I know there are people, like in grief forums, who know what it is like.

Having said all of this (and all the comments so far), I understand myself. The grief, the loss, the 'silence', getting through each day, is hard. Very hard. But I try. I keep "plowing through" it all. My spiritual walk helps also.

 

Jim, I'm relived that you're not suicidal,
& manage to accomplish things, instead of
"staring at the 4 walls". You are a real
asset to Grief in Common, bc you want to
comfort others whose spouses have died
after many years. Would love to hear
more about your"spiritual walks". For
me, it is walking to the ocean to watch
God's changing tides. Lou

 

I was reading through another thread, and I saw two comments.
One comment was about one's pet. My dog could not understand why suddenly there was just me. It took a couple of weeks for my dog to figure out how things are now. When there is a loss in one's house, the pet(s) feel it also.

The other comment I saw was one about finding out who they were. After that person loos their spouse they wanted to find themselves. This is something I will need to do at some point. Who am I? What do I want? I think it might be called a 'self love' kind of thinking. Something for me to consider.

 

I agree there is no way that Jeff could be replaced. I do not feel ready to even think of dating, I am not at that point where I could separate what was and what will be. (does that make since? It did in my head)
Peace
Mary

 

It makes sense. I feel the same way right now.

 

Thank you. I am doing my best to put one foot in front of the other one, day by day. An ambulance set me off today. Lights blaring, horn honking.

 

Sorry about the ambulance causing a reaction.
Sometimes there are things that cause each of us to react. And bring up thoughts and feelings. I sorry for you to have to go through that moment today.

 

I wish I had an answer for you. The silence is so painful... I agree, it's all the small things in life that matter so much. Being alone, and lonely, not being able to share all those little things with my husband, it hurts, more than I ever could have imagined.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.