Loss after three decade relationship.

Thank you so much, Carole, for your reply
to me this am. I cried when I read your
kind words and will probably cry again
with the PT today. Sorry your stomach
isn't right. Ginger ale and cheese seem to
help me. I use rice cakes, instead of
crackers, bc I have Celiac Disease. I emailed Karyn Arnold, the founder of
our wonderful website, and told her I'm
spreading the word here ( especially
with you & Deb) about Center for Loss.
Karyn was pleased, bc it's a great resource.
I told her I was feeling down, bc she asked
if there was anything she could help me
with. Lou

 

I feel for you oneman...
My Mom passed away about a year and a half ago. My Mom and Dad were married for 55 years. My Dad is doing OK considering, but I've seen the toll it has taken on him.

In addition, I've been married and widowed twice.

Believe me, I understand coming home to a quiet house with no wife, no activity of marriage, no one to talk to, no special person to do things with, and the pain and anger of trying to understand why it happened. I also understand the sleepless nights trying to make sense of it all and trying to figure out "what now?"

I thought it would be easier this time around since I'd already been through it once and "knew the drill." It hasn't been easier. It's been worse -- A LOT worse.

The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of my late wives and what they would want for me. Yeah, I know -- SO cliché -- but I truly believe your wife would want you to go on living and be happy. I also truly believe that she would understand how you feel and she wouldn't blame you for a second when you're sad, angry, lonely, etc.

She would understand that you need time to heal and go through the grieving process, but at the end of the day she would want you to make it through. You don't ever get over a loss like this, but YOU CAN get through it and come out the other side happy and stronger.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

Good Afternoon Lou. How did PT go? I am feeling better. I have ginger ale (Vernor's),cheese, saltines. My Granny thought hot tea and crackers was the cure all to any illness(colds, fever, upset stomach) I had to look up Celiac Disease, had no idea what it was. You really have to be careful what you eat, no gluten, so many food items have gluten.

I looked up Center for Loss, poked around on the website, didn't sign up though. I might do it later.

I think I will have some soup, maybe I will keep it down. Talk again soon, Carole. P.S. I will answer your long message about westerns, it got lost in the shuffle, I didn't see it until just before I answered this one.

 

Patti,

This is sooooooo!!!! beautiful.... It's making me teary eyed. I wish I had a way of printing it. I might take a picture of it on my phone, so I can read it often. Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us.

Another request, when you finish the poem you're working on now, please share it with us, if you're comfortable doing so.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I just signed up for emails from the Center For Loss. Looking forward to getting my first email. Thank you so much for sharing!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Just saw your last email from 24 hours
ago! Thanks for asking about PT. Much
better 2nd time. Didn't cry but told her
I was depressed the 9/11 weekend. It was
a trigger, bc It reminded me how Linda
& I were having a happy vacation, when
we saw the horrific news out of NYC. I
snapped that day, was paranoid,& didn't
want to live in the city. Linda was the
practical one, & had to support us for a
while. We certainly lived our marriage
vows, through good times & bad. My
friend, K, who could be my daughter's
age, drives me to supermarket & to a
specialty market, with many gluten
free items, incl.,prepared salads, like
quinoa & black bean, and chickpea. I
gave up beer, unless it was gluten free.
Then, hard cider, & finally vodka,
cranberry juice, soda, & a lime.A year
after Linda's death, When I was sinking
into depression, I asked the bartenders
to skip the vodka. The crab & soda
became my usual, & I can still enjoy
the CHEERS type bar. Hope your Tues is
a good one....... Lou. Correction: cran,
not "crab"!

 

So glad you signed up for Center for Loss,
Deb. I emailed Karyn Arnold to tell her I
found that website, & told you & Carole.
Karyn was pleased bc she think that site
is a valuable resource. The 9/11 email
was calming & soothing.The sayings &
meditations are moving. Hope your Tues
is a happy one. Lou

 

Lou,

I got today's Daily Reflection, my first one. I read it several times, and thought about it for awhile. It makes so much sense. Every single moment for the rest of our lives, since the moment our loved ones passed away, will be imperfect. Imperfect because they are no longer here. Grief will always be with us, but we need to find a way to find the good things in each imperfect moment. Someone who has been traveling down this miserable path longer than I have, said to me that things get better with time, but there are always tears mixed in with smiles, a strange combination. She has found a way to enjoy the imperfect moments in her life. It gives me so much hope, that in time, as we have more experiences that we can no longer share with our spouses, we will grow around our grief, we will be able to experience more of those imperfect moments with more smiles and less tears.

Having trouble writing tonight, so not sure if what I said makes much sense. So stopping here (for now.)

Hope you had more happy moments than sad ones today, that you're enjoying a relaxing evening.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Like you, I reread the "imperfect" idea
of grief. I'm grateful that the woman, who
was grieving her father's death, suggested
Center for Loss. I wrote to Carole about
crying in the lab room of a young PT, on
Friday. Her eyes were so kind, above her
mask, that I told her about Linda. Went
again yesterday ( Mondays & Fridays), &
as I did the exercises and stationery bike,
actually joked with her, no tears. I'm very
careful NOW, about stepping on & off
curbs, bc I fell in July and Aug. Will try
not to, in Sept. Not sure if it's the change
of seasons, cooler nights, but I've been
sleeping more. But, the fatigue of grief
sent me to bed this afternoon, for a nap.
At home, light supper, taking it easy. I like
getting up early to walk to outdoor
breakfast place. My friend ( like a daughter) drives me every Wed to the
supermarket & a small specialty market,
with gluten free items for my Celiac Disease. Are you still crying in the
supermarket? I did in the beginning, but
I have to be focused bc my friend waits in
the parking lot for me. Lou

 

Lou,

PT worked wonders for me. I'm glad you like your PT and will be seeing her twice a week. Please be extra careful!! Health insurance is one thing you don't want to get your money's worth, total understatement!!

I wake up feeling physically and emotionally tired. I don't remember the last time I really got a good night's sleep. I'm glad you were able to take a nap this afternoon. I hope you felt better afterwards.

My daughter has Celiac Disease. When she was young, it was hard to find good gluten free pasta and breads. It was difficult for her growing up, especially when she was invited to parties and sleepovers, and was unable to eat all of the foods her friends were eating. I'm so glad that now there are many more gluten free choices in stores and restaurants, but it would be nice if gluten free products weren't so expensive.

Sort of on the same subject, grocery shopping is still a really big trigger for me. I make sure I have a travel size pack of tissues in my purse at all times. I even tried going once with my friend. I still cried. It's even worse now that the summer is over, and the holiday season is just around the corner. I will celebrate big time the first day that I can finally go into a grocery store without crying. I have to go there tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes...

It's really late. I was toasted earlier, but couldn't sleep, so got up. I think I'm finally fried enough to fall asleep, hopefully stay asleep!

Hope you're sound asleep and don't see this until tomorrow morning... (Wait it already is tomorrow morning! I better try to get some zzz's...)

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Good morning, Deb. I've turned into my
grandfather. He & my grandmother went to bed at 9pm & woke up every morning
at 5am. I'm not quite like that, but I want to enjoy our summer days while they
last, so I've been asleep by 10pm & up
around 5:30am. Just woke up & was
pleased to see your email. I do a lot of
walking and take certain medications
which make me sleepy, so I'm more
fortunate than you. But, I recall a time,
after Linda's death, that I couldn't sleep
at all, & was given Melatonin,which
would relax me enough to finally sleep
4 hours. Eventually, with walking and
weekly therapy, as well as meeting
friends, I started sleeping better. Sorry
your daughter had Celiac at such a young
age. My friend K's high school daughter
has it, as well as her father. They are a
kind & generous family who've known me
since Linda died. They "adopted" me in a
way, & invited me to Thanksgiving last
year, but I had already bought food for
myself & wanted to be alone. This year,
however, I'd like to go, God willing. What
are your winters like? The last few have
been cold, about 30 degrees, or a few days
at 20 degrees, but we've been lucky not to
have snowstorms, which I don't like, bc I
can't walk outside. I laugh when you say
you're "toasted". Up here, we use that
word, and "wasted", for when someone is
drunk! Lou

 

Good Morning Lou,

I only have time for a really short reply, but have to thank you for making me smile. I use the word "toasted" for so many things. I'm originally from New England, and like you, also refer to people who are drunk as "toasted."

Got to go...

As always, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, glad I made you smile. Try to think
of that when you're in the supermarket.If
you have your phone with you, you can
even text me from there. Just received a
surprise email from "ksteffie" from
Naples, Florida. She's only 52, & her
husband died in Nov, 2019. I had written
to her in July, but never got a reply. Maybe
you can reach out to her. I will answer her
now. Lou

 

Okay, Deb and Lou. I've read both of your posts here and not to be flip I got my morning laugh, your choice of words how you feel Deb, fried, toasted and Lou up there, "wasted" for someone who is drunk which was me when I broke my arm.

 

Okay, Deb and Lou. I've read both of your posts here and not to be flip I got my morning laugh, your choice of words how you feel Deb, fried, toasted and Lou up there, "wasted" for someone who is drunk which was me when I broke my arm. Blessings, Karen

 

Lou,

It is so kind of you to be here for me. It made me smile when you said I could text you while shopping. It's turning into a miserable day, torrential downpours that seem to come out of nowhere, then stop as quickly as they start. There is a brief period of sun, then showers, then another one of those torrential downpours, etc., etc., etc. Luckily, I made it out the door this morning for a medical appointment (nothing serious), but almost as soon as I returned, the rain began. I have my list, and am going to try to make it to the store while there is a break in the heavy downpours.

I'm going to try to make this trip as quick as possible, so won't text you this time. But..., you never know, someday when you least expect it, you might get a message from me as I'm walking through the doors into the market. I'm really hoping I can get everything I need without crying to the point I need to leave the store. I have my tissues ready, just in case... I'll let you know how it goes later... A TBC (to be continued).

Before I go, I hope you were able to "talk" to ksteffie. I've never "met" her, but if she wants/needs support, just a safe place to vent, I hope she drops by. I would like to "meet" her.

Got to go!

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hi Karen,

It's good to "see" you! I'm glad we made you laugh!! Laughter is such an underrated thing... As I just told Lou, I've got to go to the grocery store, trying to beat another heavy downpour. Got to go.

I hope your arm is feeling much better!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, be careful in those downpours. That's
how I fell & cut my knee. I was stupidly
dodging a puddle, so my sneakers would
not get wet, & tripped over a curb. I
chuckled when you said you might text
me, when "I least expect it". It reminded
me of Allen Funt telling us that, in the
intro. to the original Candid Camera. I
did email "ksteffie" & told her I was
pleasantly surprised to hear from her
after a couple months. If she replies, I
will ask her to join Carole, you, & me,
with our long emails! I will also tell her
about Center for Loss, which sent a
poignant message today. Lou

 

Lou,

You did it again!! I actually laughed when you mentioned Candid Camera. Now I'm hearing Allen Funt's voice in my head telling us to "Smile, you're on Candid Camera!" I used to love that show!, watched it all the time. I haven't thought about it in years, until now, when you brought it up. When I was growing up, my parents used to watch the Honeymooners and I Love Lucy all the time. I used to watch right along with them. I haven't thought about these shows in a really long time, but as soon as you mentioned Candid Camera, it brought back memories... The world has changed so much, total understatement!!

Change of subject... A miracle.... the rain stopped, hazy sunshine, super humid. Not one drop fell from the sky the entire time I was gone. Since I've been home, it looks like it's going to pour again, but so far nothing. I like to think that Bob is watching over me, might have had something to do with this. Even if it isn't true, it sort of makes me feel a bit better. I miss him so much!!! He's on my mind 24/7...

Still sort of on the same subject, the grocery store wasn't as busy as it's been, no summer tourists in sight, so I was able to get in and out quickly. I didn't forget to buy anything on my list, (almost) a first since Bob passed away. (I'm so glad I heard about this widow foggy brain thing, or else, I would have thought I was beginning to lose my mind. I find myself misplacing my keys, my glasses, my phone, etc., etc., etc., way too frequently. Prior to Bob's death, this rarely happened. I think it's a combination of stress and not enough sleep.)

I do have another first to share, finally a bit of good news. I made it past the Halloween displays without crying. I made it through most of my shopping trip without tears. There was only one instance, but it was short lived, didn't need more than one tissue, when I decided to buy a carton of organic tomato soup. (I rarely buy this brand, but it was on sale for a very good price.) Random thoughts flooded my mind... I remember weekend mornings, waking up after it had been snowing all night, Bob would start a fire, we would have our coffee sitting in front of the fire place. I felt so safe, so warm, so happy... sitting close to Bob, enjoying our morning coffee, watching the snow fall... the kids playing... When the snow finally stopped, Bob would go into the garage, get the snow blower, and clear off the driveway. Our house was at the top of a hill, the driveway was really long and full of twists and turns. He was always soaked when he was finished. (So was our dog, but that's another story.) And, he would always ask me to make him a grilled cheese sandwich, and heat up a bowl of tomato soup for lunch. For one split second, I was going to put the carton of soup back on the shelf, but I reminded myself that I can't stop living my life, eating foods I enjoy, just because Bob is no longer here with me. This would only make him sad. When I finally decide to heat up a bowl of tomato soup, I'm guessing there will be tears, but I'm hoping that they wont' be just sad tears, but will be mixed with some happy ones too. (If I remember,) this is another one of those TBC's...

I meant for this to be a short update, but as I keep telling you, I can write almost as much as I can talk.

Backing way up, I'm glad you're now careful when it's wet and slippery outside. No more accidents! Thank you for reminding me to be careful too.

Hope you enjoyed your day and have a relaxing evening.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

To add tot this of old timers, Lawrence Welk. My dad loved the pretty women, had his favorites. Never missed a show.