Loss after three decade relationship.

Jim, I've said it before, and I'll say it again
now: You're a brave man. It's hard to
believe that Mary died just WEEKS ago,
and that you can write to us about her
last day on earth, now. When Linda died,
I wrote wildly in a notebook, in a Jackson
Pollock way, for my eyes only. Later, when
I had weekly phone therapy with a grief
counselor, I converted the mess into
coherent talking points. Now, I find it
therapeutic, though sometimes heartbreaking, to write long emails with
the people on the Grief in Common
website. You are the only widower with
whom I correspond. I urge you, of all the
people here, to read The Widower's
Notebook, a memoir, by Jonathan
Santlofer. You will find, as I did, how
close his story about his 40 year
marriage to his wife, Joy, is to our stories.
Lou

 

Hi, and Good Morning. I have doors and windows open in the day time, lock up at night. I did manage to sleep all night last night, so I am up bright and early this morning.
I have 2 trigger days, Friday (May 14th, Ron's heart attack) and Saturday (June 26th, Ron's death). Time seems to go so fast , days turn into weeks, weeks into months. I agree with you, at times it seems so long ago that Ron died, other times seems like it happened just a few days ago. I hope you are doing better, I did not know how hard it would be, and how
the grief would affect me. Being here, chatting with others going through the same heartache does help.
I like the old movies on TCM also. Especially the ones from the 40's and 50's. Ron saved movies on flash drives, haven't found his hiding place yet. I poke around on his computer, he has Magic Jack, so I can call the few friends I have and talk, not have to worry about my cell phone going dead.
Take care, have good thoughts and memories of your wife. Talk again soon, Carole.

 

Good Friday Morning, Carole. Glad you
slept better. I like to get up early, too,
bc we have a short summer. Looks like
a sunny day. which helps lift my spirits.
I like old movies, too, although given my
emotional state, I would probably cry at
movies like "Casablanca". Linda used to
tease me that I was in love with dead
actresses, not the ones today. She may
have had a point. The women who
played opposite Bogart, Cagney, etc.,
were glamorous and classy. We saw
footage of the Academy Awards of the
1950s, and we were struck by the
excitement & joy of great classics. We
couldn't watch the Oscars the last few
years, bc the actors had no class, wore
stupid clothes & hairstyles, & preached
their political views, in a smug and
condescending manner. Compare that
to Gregory Peck, Audrey Hepburn,
Grace Kelly, etc. Sigh. I guess I'm showing
my age, but I don't care. I know what I
like, and that goes for music, too, like
Sinatra, Louis Armstrong, Johnny
Cash, and so on. I also remember when
late night shows were fun, like Johnny
Carson, and not dreary, political diatribes
like today. Well, my rant is over. Now,
I can walk outside & enjoy the day! Lou

 

Good Morning Lou, cool sunny morning here in Ohio. Opened the windows and doors, cat is napping in the sun by the front door. I loved your rant. Old movies beat most movies made in the last 10/20 yrs. Music from the 50's 60's,70's was better, no auto tune, no half nude performers dancing around while lip-syncing. The Oscars suck, so do the new "woke" Olympics. Haven't watched either since probably the late 70's, early 80's. Back to movies, Lauren Bacall, Grace Kelly, Kathryn Hepburn, Audrey Hepburn, Shirley McLaine(her old movies were a hoot) Olivia DeHaviland, are so watchable. Cary Cooper, Jimmy Stewart, Rock Hudson(his movies with Doris Day, so much fun)Kirk Douglas out class any actors of today. Yes, I am old 75, ( I don't feel old though) made it through the 50's, 60's,70's,80's etc. Experienced so many changes over the years, glad I am still alive and kicking.
I was reading earlier through messages, saw where you and Linda eloped to get married. Ron and I were married at the courthouse by Judge Steven Hayes (son of Woody Hayes, former Ohio State football coach) with my Mom and Dad, and Ron's good friend and his wife in attendance. Party later at Mom and Dads with other friends. When I find all of Ron's flash drives with photos, movies, music, he saved, I will upload a few photos. Silly me, he had uploaded photos for me on a flash drive, I told him to keep it, I would have lost it for sure. He has stuck them away somewhere that he only knows, and he is not sharing where.
Not much going on today, already had my melt down earlier. I think I have hit the guilt stage in grief. Quilt I wasn't with Ron his last minutes before death, quilt I didn't get back to the nursing home that Saturday evening like always. Quilt we had a small argument, the day of his heart attack, he came out to apologise and I gave him the side eye. I did say okay, thank you, and at that moment he had his heart attack. The not being with him tears me up the most, I was siting at the light, waiting to turn into the hospital, when the nurse called to tell me Ron has died. I always wonder, did he look for me, wonder where I was when being transported, did he know he was dying? Deep breath, tears are starting, coffee time.
I will close for now, take care, think good thoughts, have a pleasant day. Chat agin soon, Carole

 

Carole, I was laughing with you ("woke
Olympics). None of my friends at my
bar wanted to watch this year. It's a great
atmosphere, bc the owner has sports,
ON MUTE !, on 2 large screens, with
music in the background, not so loud
that we can't have pleasant conversations.
If I'm really lucky, I get to hear CCR, The
Band ( the song, " The Weight"), "The
House of the Rising Sun", The Beatles,
Elvis........Like you, I don't feel, or, I'm
told, look like I'm 72. My friends at the
bar are all in the same local high school
class, & they're about 58. A woman
tried to guess my age & thought I was
58, too! I'm in no hurry to give my age,
but if I'm in another relationship, at some
point, I would tell the truth. Chances are
that I may meet a daytripper, who comes
from the city to our seaside art colony.
I did meet a woman, 50, at the bar, but
didn't realize how much she'd been
drinking. Sorry to say: she was cuckoo.
The bartender said I dodged a bullet. I
stopped drinking a year after Linda's
death, bc it wasn't fun anymore, and I
became depressed. I still go to the
watering hole, especially on Friday
nights, to eat a seafood dinner, & laugh
with my friends. This bar was built after
Linda, so I'm starting fresh. She didn't
know any of the people in my town.
The morning Linda shockingly
collapsed in front of me, and later, died,
our cheap tracphone went dead. I didn't
want to take a cab from her rehab unit,
to buy a phone without her. I was in a bad
mood & obsessed about the fact that I didn't want to go. Meanwhile, Linda
struggled from her bed to her wheelchair.
She was determined to do it without
help. She wanted to go down the hall to
the recreation room, where the therapist
brought in puppies from the animal shelter. When she fell, I ran for help.
I instinctively knew it was over, and
sobbed uncontrollably, with the PT
next to me. I kept saying, "Why did I
bother her about the phone", implying
that I contributed to her death. It took
me months of angry tears & self loathing
before I realized it was Linda's time to
go, no matter what I did. OK, Carole, time
for us to talk about more fun stuff, in
addition to grief. Lou

 

Morning, Deb! Hope you slept well.
I'm proud of myself today. I'm having
lunch in a cafe, on a beautiful, cooler,
sunny day. I didn't cry, for a change (!)
when I heard Paul Simon sing "Slip
Slidin' Away......" NOT what I want to hear
right now! Looking forward to the wild
Friday night at the bar. Tomorrow, I will
be going with my young Army veteran
buddy, N., to the American Legion for an
open house coffee. The guys there
welcomed me even though I wasn't in the
service. One guy teased me mercilessly
( I hear they do that with new people).
One day,I told him privately about Linda
& he turned somber, bc he realized I had
PTSD, like any soldier who suffers the
trauma of seeing a close friend die. It is
damn tough to get that image out of my
mind, but I try, like all of us here. God
bless, Deb. BTW, I don't want to elevate
my female friend, L. She is very busy
with her real estate career, college age
daughter, & dog, and may be too much
for me, beyond a friend. I need to
talk with women of different ages, but
being relaxed with one is key. Lou

 

Hi Lou, one dumb thing, then on to fun things. I upgraded my flip phone(I have Consumer Cellar) to a Smart Phone, mainly because most things I wanted to do, like get a security system, take photos of Gabby(the cat) to upload to computer), get Life Alert, one had to have a Smart Phone. I did this the morning of June 26. Received the phone a few days later. It is still in the package it came in, to lazy to have everything transferred from old phone to new phone.
Ron got me interested in classical music when we went to see Apocalypse Now. The scene where the helicopters are flying over Viet Nam, I liked the music. Ron told me later it was called "Ride of the Valkyries", by Richard Wagner. I started looking up composers he wrote down for me. What a eye opener. One piece I listen to frequently, "Mars, The Bringer of War", by Gustav Holst, is a head banger. I didn't know they were head banging back in the 1800's. I like CCR, The Doors, Janis Joplin, Moody Blues, AC/DC (funny story, Ron was listening to 2 Cellos and they were playing "Thunderstruck". He called me in to listen, I watched the video with him, then told him it was a rock song by AC/DC. Well, he did not believe me, so I had to show him, we both got a laugh over it. We did silly stuff like that, I think just to prove we were right). I also like some Guns N Roses, Deep Purple, etc. I watched a video of Willie Nelson and Bon Jovi doing "Always on My Mind", what a treat. The crap that comes out today is just that, crap. Oh, my, The Animals, "House of The Rising Sun", we both liked that song. I am not much for country music(grew up listening to blue grass and Hank Williams, others I can't remember. My parents migrated up here from Arkansas when Daddy was stationed here in WW11). My Mom had a thing for Marty Robbins, named our canary after him (this was back in the days of my youth). I do like some of Dolly Parton's songs," I Will Always Love You", is my favorite. I get so mad when on youtube and people think it is a Whitney Houston song. Dislike her cover of the original. Running out of steam. I actually took a walk earlier, good to get out in the fresh air, but it was a lonely walk. When Dustin( our sweet departed dog) was alive, I walked twice a day with him. After Dustin passed, Ron I walked at least once a day, when it wasn't to hot in the summer. For some reason we stopped a couple of years ago. I need to start up again, I enjoyed walking the neighborhood, waving to people, stopping and chatting with others out walking.
Thanks for always replying and letting me ramble. Take care, chat again soon, Carole

 

egion

Carole, I LOVE your ramblings, the more
detail, the better! You & I like many of the
same singers, and we don't like CRAP!!
Sorry to cut this short, but I'm meeting my
82 year old buddy, a widower, & veteran,
at our CHEERS -like bar. Friday night is my favorite. The 2 bartenders, 39, tease me
about being "ancient", & I've learned to
give it back. A lot of fun people. Some of
the guys want me to get on dating
websites, or cruise the bars. They mean
well, but it's not my style! Lou

[QUOyear="Van Gogh, post: 19461, member: 25369"]Morning, Deb! Hope you slept well.
I'm proud of myself today. I'm having
lunch in a cafe, on a beautiful, cooler,
sunny day. I didn't cry, for a change (!)
when I heard Paul Simon sing "Slip
Slidin' Away......" NOT what I want to hear
right now! Looking forward to the wild
Friday night at the bar. Tomorrow, I will
be going with my young Army veteran
buddy, N., to the American Legion for an
open house coffee. The guys there
welcomed me even though I wasn't in the
service. One guy teased me mercilessly
( I hear they do that with new people).
One day,I told him privately about Linda
& he turned somber, bc he realized I had
PTSD, like any soldier who suffers the
trauma of seeing a close friend die. It is
damn tough to get that image out of my
mind, but I try, like all of us here. God
bless, Deb. BTW, I don't want to elevate
my female friend, L. She is very busy
with her real estate career, college age
daughter, & dog, and may be too much
for me, beyond a friend. I need to
talk with women of different ages, but
being relaxed with one is key. Lou[/QUOTE]

 

Lou,

I'm getting here a bit late, well a lot late!, and it looks like I have lots of catching up to do. I quickly skimmed some of the posts earlier today, and haven't been able to get "The House of the Rising Sun," out of my head. I've been singing it to myself over and over and over again, etc., etc., etc.,.. It's a good thing though, it's one of my all time favorite songs! It's also a good thing no one can hear me, I can't carry a tune to save my life, lol!!! My husband could carry a tune, but I could shatter glass! I'm not exaggerating..., well..., maybe just a little bit, but not much.

I'll be back tomorrow to catch up. Until then, I hope you're enjoying the beginning of a fun filled night at your "Cheers" bar. I'm looking forward to hearing about it when I return.

Until then, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB


Lou,

Sorry I'm getting here so late. Hope you're at the bar, enjoying the start of a fun filled evening. I'm looking forward to reading about it tomorrow.
I'm still to frazzled to write much right now, but frazzled in a slightly better way than I was yesterday. BTW, I've been singing

Lou,

Sorry I'm getting here so late. I

 

Just got home from bar, & had a lot of
laughs, sometimes at my expense! I laughed
just as hard as when I was drinking. I got really sleepy, bc I get up so early, & left bar
around 9pm, fist bumps all around. Asked
a woman how she met her husband of 20
years, & it was a fun story, 2nd marriage
for both. They come here every summer
from Florida. Did you ever see the music
video of House of the Rising Sun? Eric
Burton was so young & serious, with a
deep voice. Love the song, too. Time for
bed. My young buddy is picking me up at 8am
to go to the Legion for coffee. I'll let you
know how it goes. Have a good night, Deb.
Thanks for answering me even though you
were tired. Lou

 

So, yesterday I was at DMV to renew my vehicles. While waiting my turn, I was just meandering through stuff on my phone. I wasn't really looking for anything in particular. I came across something. It was an essay written by someone who had lost friends and lovers. I won't recite the whole thing, just a summary.

The writer explains that when their loved one passed away, the grief came like waves. At first it was a constant barrage of waves. they keep coming and coming and coming. With no beak in between. As time goes on there is a gap between each wave. And as time continues on the waves are even farther apart. Over the course of a person's life the waves never go away. They just become farther and farther apart. In other words the writer was saying the grief doesn't go away, it is always there.

The other thing the writer shared was that when a friend or loved one passed away there is a scar on the grieving person's heart. The writer also said that the more serious the scar the deeper the love for the one who passed.

After getting done at DMV I read that essay at least 4 times. It is an interesting take on the grieving in one's life.

Just thought I'd share this.
***
On another note, My wife loved all kinds of music. But her favorite was bluegrass. The real back woods blue grass. She was well versed in ukulele, banjo, mandolin, and dulcimer. Mary would spend 2-3 nights a week in online groups playing with people across the country.
And she love playing the piano. One of the best I've seen.
I personally enjoy symphonies. Strauss and Dvorak and Aaron Copeland are my favorites. I will listen to different kinds of music, but a symphony tugs at my heart.

Music, no matter what kind it is, is a universal "language".

 

Hi Lou,

As you can tell from my response last night, I was not only frazzled, but having technical difficulties too. I don't know what happened, I thought I had "lost" my reply, and started over again twice. I've been having some trouble with my laptop. Not that this is an excuse, I really am technically challenged! When I was growing up, girls had to take home economics, boys had to take shop, but everyone had to take typing, in order to graduate from junior high school. Girls weren't allowed to take shop and boys weren't allowed to take home economics. What a different place the world was then, total understatement!! Backing up just a bit, now I'm glad I was forced to take typing. At least I knew how to type when I got my first laptop. I hate to think how much more challenging modern technology would have been for me without this skill. Enough of this, time to move onto other things.

Backing up a bit more, I like bands both you and Carole enjoy - CCR, The Doors, Janis Joplin, The Moody Blues, Elvis, not sure if I left any of them out. I also really like James Taylor, Bob Dylan, Eric Clapton, Fleetwood Mac, The Rolling Stones, Arlo Guthrie, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, Neil Young, Lynryd Skynrd, Pink Floyd, wait I think Carole mentioned Deep Purple and Guns N Roses, I like them too, The Beatles, Bob Marley, The Who, Simon & Garfunkel, Jethro Tull, America, B.B. King, Jimi Hendrix and so many more.... Sort of off, sort of on topic, "It's A Wonderful Life," has got to be one of the best movies ever!

Change of subject, you did it again, I smiled when I read about you not crying when you heard Slip Slidin' Away. Definitely not what any of us want to hear! Backing up again, I've seen the music video, and you're right, Eric Burton looks very young and serious. I don't really feel old until I look at old music videos of some of my favorite musicians and then see them in another music video years later. That old saying, "time flies by so quickly," is so true!!

I'm glad you enjoyed Friday night at your "Cheers." bar. Hope you're having another good day. Going to stop here, I didn't realize it, but I think I can write almost as much as I can talk!

As always, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Jim,

Thank you for sharing... One of my friends, who also lost her husband, said to me once, that the more it hurts, the more love you have for whoever the special person was in your life who passed away. She also said that she never wants the pain to go away, because she never wants to forget her husband. I feel the same way. If I could go back in time, only this time, I knew that my husband would leave me way too soon, I still would have said, "I do." I shared the very best days of my life with the love of my life, and for this, I am forever grateful.

I agree with what you said, "Music, no matter what kind it is, is a universal "language." I couldn't have expressed this as well as you did.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you, Jim, for your powerful waves
analogy in regard to grief. Living right near
the ocean, I watch the waves every day. The
sad part I'd that Linda used to watch them with me.

0
Hi, Deb! Love your LONG list of musicians.
Linda & I were fortunate to see Ray Charles,
Bonnie Raitt, Trisha Yearwood, in Ma., &
B.B. King, in Proviidence, R.I. Linda saw
many bands after college. All I saw was The
Turtles ( " Happy Together")!! Laughed when
you brought up home economics and shop.
I was in a pre-college track in high school.
I remember the guys in shop, being tough
guys. I was lost after college, and didn't know
what I wanted to do, so I did different jobs,
but Linda pursued a career. Those guys in
shop ended up making a good living as
plumbers, carpenters, electricians, etc. They
were more focused. But, " that's all water
under the bridge"..... Sitting on the Neck,
a promenade with shops & art galleries.
My friend is playing gospel & blues on his
guitar, on a perfect sunny day. Everyone is
smiling, & some are thanking my friend.

 

Lou,

When you mentioned The Turtles, I immediately thought of the Byrds, then Joni Mitchell popped into my head, it never used to but, now I can't listen to The Circle Game, or Sugar Mountain (Neil Young) ,without crying. I guess there's hope for me since you made it through Slip Slidin Away tear free. There are tons of songs I can't listen to anymore without reaching for the nearest box of tissues... Backing up a bit, I bet you have some great memories from going to those concerts with Linda.

The Neck is a really fun, interesting place. I haven't been there in many years. It's so pretty... A great location, on a beautiful day, to listen to your friend play his guitar... Thanks for sharing, the Neck brings back lots of fun memories for me.

Hope your evening was just as nice as your day was...

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

I also, knowing what I know now, would still take Mary as my life partner 30 years ago.
While the way things ended is heartbreaking, the rest of the relationship is what we had.
And those 30 years were the best of my life. Can't change that. And I don't want to.

"When a man loves a woman,
can't keep his mind on nothing else.
He'll trade the world
for the good thing he found..."
(Bette Midler version)

 

I feel the same way about marriage to Linda. When I think about our beautiful
wedding ceremony, I smile. Where you &
I differ, is I prefer the Percy Sledge version
rather than the newer Midler one. I find
her to be a strident, polarizing figure,which clouds my image of her as a singer. I don't like the way some singers
and actors find it necessary to constantly
push their political views on the rest of us.
I need to be in a peaceful state when I
listen to music. Lou

 

Deb, so glad I bring back happy memories
for you. Except for some different shops
and art galleries, the town looks the same.
The locals have made a concerted effort
to keep out chain restaurants, and to
keep our picturesque, historical town


unique. Our iconic old red fishing shack,
Motif # 1, has been been depicted in
paintings and photographs around the
world. I feel both proud and blessed to
live here. Linda and I used to sit on a bench, looking at the boats in the harbor.
The view is timeless. I sit on that bench
often, and sometimes think of Linda, and
other times, just savor the moment. Lou