Loss after three decade relationship.

Hi Deb, Thanks for your reply. I am so sorry for your loss. Grieving is hard and exhausting, much more than I thought it would be. Funny story behind why I chose to celebrate what would have been our 39th wedding anniversary. Ron never wanted me to make a fuss over our anniversary or his birthday, so I would do it anyway and he would walk around with a smile. I know he was smiling down on me August the 10th, and Oct.22(his 81st birthday) he will be smiling again. I have been weepy all day today, did get the car up and running, AAA installed a new battery, so I am good to go. Holidays I am not sure how that will go, Halloween was Ron's favorite. After both my parents passed away, we sort of let Thanksgiving and Christmas go by the wayside. I put up a few decorations, sent out a few Christmas cards, that was about it. If I didn't eat Ron's favorite food, I would starve, the man like everything, anything I cooked, he ate.
Memories flood my mind constantly, like you some good, some bad, and the tears flow. Saving what I think was important to Ron has been difficult. He was an electronics engineer and has all kinds of equipment, manuals, tools stored in boxes. I have no idea what they are, or who could use them. Going through his clothes, I found unopened packages of socks, t-shirts, underwear, pants, he had put away and forgotten about. The man was a serious pack rat. The clothing I will donate to a local homeless shelter. I kept his hat, (he bought when he started losing his hair), his winter jacket, clothes he wore a lot, those are packed away. I moved some stuff out of his computer room, into another room, he was not happy, heard like something hitting the floor in the room, thought maybe something fell off a table or his desk, nope, nothing was disturbed, so I chuckled to myself and said "ok, I'll put the things back". Talking to Lou, you and Jim has been so helpful, I appreciate the kindness. Time to stop rambling and have a late lunch. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way, Carole

 

Hi Lou, I hope you are feeling better. Speaking of sad movies, the one Ron and I would both sobbed over is "Somewhere In Time" with Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour. I have watched it over and over through out the years, always made me cry. I think now it would crush me to watch it. Ron was stoic to a point, when his brother passed away, we went to FL. for the memorial(he was cremated also). Ron didn't want to see him one last time, we talked about it for hours, I thought it best he did, for closure, Ron finally consented to go with the rest of the family, he broke into a thousand pieces. I felt bad that I had pushed him into going.
Don't you just hate talking to a computerized voice? When I called AAA, the first one was computerized, I then got switched over to real person, than goodness. Do you get a lot of robo calls? I did for awhile, I don't answer my phone anymore if the number isn't in my contacts list.
I just wrote DEB a long rambling message, was suppose to get a late lunch, then saw your message, had to answer. I will close for now. Talk again soon, sending good thoughts your way, Carole

 

Thank you for your story about Ron,
and your kindness about Linda. I guess
I'm still a mess, bc I weep through Deb's
long accounts. Now, I just cried when you
said Ron "broke into a thousand pieces".
When I watched Westerns as a boy, I
was drawn to cowboys who showed
emotion, like Jimmy Stewart, rather than
John Wayne, who never cried in movies.
Stewart saw combat in WWII, firsthand,
& Wayne did not. When Jimmy Stewart
played the lead character in "It's a
Wonderful Life", he brought real anguish
to his role. His suicidal impulse was so
real and raw, that I cried when I saw the
scene where Clarence, the angel, shows
him what the world would be like without
him. When Linda died, I didn't care if I
lived or died. When I was rushed to the
ER recently, in the middle of the night,
for an unexpected physical condition, I
prayed to God that I may live. I say a
prayer of gratitude to God every morning,
where I see God's presence in the ever
changing tides of the ocean. Lou

 

OMG, "It's A Wonderful Life" was a Christmas staple for us. I adore that movie, and yes I cry every time I watch it. I really need to go eat. I will be back later. Take care and have good thoughts and memories of Linda. Carole

 

Carole,

I'm so glad you have AAA and now have a new battery, but I'm so sorry it's such a difficult day for you.

Going through my husband's belongings was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm grateful two of my children were with me. I don't think I could have gotten through it alone. I ended up saving some of his favorite tee shirts he bought while we were on vacations. I kept them so I could sleep in them, but so far, I can't even go into the closet where they're hanging. A couple months before he died, we had to get him a hospital bed through the VA. There wasn't any room for it in our bedroom, so we had it set up in the guest bedroom. His tee shirts, along with his favorite straw hat, and some of his favorite Hawaiian shirts are hanging in the closet in that room. I have to leave the door to the guest bedroom shut. It's just too painful for me to go inside that room... All I can see is him, once a strong, take charge, fix it kind of guy, who everyone went to when they needed help, now lying in that bed, so frail, so weak... It breaks my heart every time I think about it, which unfortunately, is often. I also can't open the door to the guest bathroom. It's a long story, but the way he died was very traumatic. He fell in that bathroom. It was the only time he begged me to help him, he was in agony, and all I could do was hug him, tell him the ambulance would be here soon. I never felt as helpless and out of control as I did at that moment. Up until this happened, he was a very proud, strong, stoic person. He always said he was fine, even if I knew he was in lots of pain.
Even "talking" about this now, has me in tears...

I'm stopping here, I need to catch up on this thread, but before I go, please don't ever feel like you're rambling. "Talk" to us as much as you want to, need to. It's okay if you keep repeating the same stories over and over again. We will be here to "listen," each and every time. According to Tom Zuber, in that book I mentioned to you earlier today, it's important to tell our stories over and over again, it's a necessary part of the healing process.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thanks, Carole. I've learned the hard way
to have a regular sleeping , eating, and
walking outside schedule. A year after
Linda's death, I was drinking more,
staying out late, and getting more
depressed. I was also feeling run down,
and came down with the flu TWICE, in
Oct. & Nov. I was invited by kind
neighbors for Thanksgiving dinner, but
couldn't go, bc I was sick. I had to go
back to the same psychiatric unit where I
stayed right after Linda's shocking death
the year before. Same counselors & warm
nurses, different clients. My grief
counselor, psychiatric nurse practioner,
was an RN for many years. She called me
at the unit & gently suggested that I drop l
drinking.y last drink was Nov. 6, 2019,
and I feel better physically, and mostly
mentally, except when crying. As I told
Deb, Karen, & others here, I still go to my
friendly neighborhood CHEERS like bar,
have a seafood dinner, and be with
friends. They know I'm a widower, but
they never met my wife, bc I moved to a
new town, to start fresh. My friends tell
me I have a great sense of humor, &
make them laugh. Linda was funny, too,
which attracted me to her. I often quote
her comments to me, sometimes at my
expense. As I told a couple I didn't know,
I'm not a hermit, a " fool on the hill", like
the Beatles song. Linda is part of me, just
like Ron will always be part of you. Lou

 

Lou,

I'm so sorry I made you cry, but I hope they weren't all sad tears. You and I have another thing in common. I am a very emotional person too. Lots of things bring me to tears, but since my husband passed away, it seems like those tears are never ending...

I've been so physically and emotionally drained that I haven't finished the book yet. Normally, I would have finished it within a couple of hours. Of course those tears flow while I'm reading it. I'm trying to follow Tom Zuber's advice. I already keep a journal, thanks to a suggestion by someone who I "met" when I first joined this site. (I haven't "seen" him around in a long time. I've been worried about him, hoping he's okay...) Now I'm going to do my best to take better care of myself physically. I'm going to get back into my daily morning walks (as long as it isn't over the top hot out as it's been for so long), and try to eat as healthy as I possibly can. Thanks to advice you gave me, I've been trying to go to bed and get up at the same time every day. I am determined to do everything I can to heal, however long it takes. I want more than anything else to make my husband proud of me. He is my reason for trying so hard.

Thank you again for recommending this book. We'll have to "talk" more about it once I finish it. Karen is going to read it again. I know she's interested in hearing our thoughts, and I'm sure she'll let us know what she thinks about it too.

After I responded to a post Carole sent me, I was going to catch up here. The phone rang. It was another friend from "home," calling to see how I'm doing. I have lots more catching up to do, so going to stop here.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Well, Deb, you did it again. I cried about
you being helpless to save your husband.
It took me months to put aside my last
memory of Linda. I suffered PTSD.
Every loud sound annoyed me. I found
people to be insipid & uninteresting.
Now, I've become part of a community of
warm. welcoming people. My best friend,
as I said, is a young Army vet, who served
Sin Afganistan., He had PTSD also, & we
comfort each other. We will be going to
the American Legion on Sat. mornings,
for an open house coffee. Before my
young friend, N., came to town, I went
there by myself. Even though I wasn't
in the service ( had a high lottery
number during the Vietnam war), I was
welcomed by a great, fun bunch of guys.
Deb, you, Karen, Carole, Dena, myself,&
others have a sense of humor. I think
that, talking with people, on & off this
site, with my counselor, in addition to the
ability to laugh, has kept me above water,
to use an ocean analogy. Since Linda's
death, I've had a renewed faith in God.
Your pen pal, Liu

 

Lou,

I grew up in New England too, and spent most of my life there. Although I love the ocean, no matter where it is, the New England shoreline is my favorite place to be. I've been to some really beautiful places. Hawaii is the most beautiful place I've ever been to, but even though it's so beautiful, the New England coastline just feels like "home." I miss "home," but without my husband, at this moment, it would just be too painful for me to go back. Everything would be a trigger for me.... It would be the best feeling in the world to be "home," but also the worst feeling, all at the same time. I'm an emotional mess!!!

You just made me smile again! Thank you for your kind words. I've always been grateful to Mike for starting this thread, and to you too. I think it is because of you, the way you reached out to everyone, that we all became closer to each other. It makes me feel better, if there is even one small thing that I've said, that might help someone else who is struggling as much as I am, as much as all of us are. It's a really good feeling knowing that we're all here for each other.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

I'm having trouble keeping up with you,
and now, Carole, bc we all tend to write
our "memoirs". I read Zuba's book a long
time ago, but remember his lectures on
You Tube, as I told Karen. A book that I
had suggested to Jim, is The Widower's
Notebook, a memoir, by Jonathan
Santlofer. The first few pages were so
heartbreakingly similar to my last
view of Linda, that I had to put the book
away. A week later, one morning , over
coffee, I read the book from cover to
cover. I was so taken with it, that I emailed
Jonathan to thank him. I told him he was
like a brother I never had. He amazed me
by emailing back, saying he would be
proud to be my brother. I have the book
next to my bed & occasionally reread
chapters.He is honest about his 40 year
marriage, with its' ups & downs. The
book covers just about everything, and
can be applied to widows and Widower's
alike. It even has some very funny
passages about Jonathan being suddenly
"single" again. I highly recommend this
book, also. Lou

 

Jim.

The bereavement support group I attend is run by a social worker who lost his wife two years ago. She was sick for a long time before she died. Similar to what you did, he ran bereavement support groups for 15 years prior to his wife's death. He also worked in hospice. The first meeting I went to, he said what you said. He "didn't really know grief," until his wife died. There is no way anyone can possibly understand this, unless they've been where we are now.

I watched my husband slowly slip away. In the end, he had a specialist for just about every body part. It was way beyond heartbreaking to see this strong, take charge person, who everyone else always went to for help, slowly lose his ability to walk, to bathe himself, to feed himself. It was way beyond heartbreaking to see him struggle with a fork, a knife, a spoon (my daughter bought him special weighted utensils), ending up spilling more food than he was able to get into his mouth. It was way beyond heartbreaking watching him struggle to walk, to keep his balance with his cane, until one day, his cane had to be replaced with a walker, and finally with a rollator. It was way beyond heartbreaking when he realized he could no longer take care of himself. In the beginning of the end, he was totally dependent on me to help him with all of his ADL's. I can only imagine how difficult it was for him, once such a strong, proud, independent man, who always wanted to help everyone else, now totally dependent on me for everything. It broke my heart... I'm so sorry you had to watch your wife slowly fade away in front of you too.

As always sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hi Dena,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish there were words to express how truly sorry I am. I wanted to write to you much earlier today, but didn't get a chance. I'm emotionally and physically fried. If I respond now, I doubt I would make much sense. So until I'm a bit less fried, I just want you to know how glad I am that you found us, but how sorry I am that you have to be here.

Sending lots of hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

(P.S. I love that you live in a log cabin that your husband Chip built.)

 

Lou,

Once again, thank you for sharing. I'm going to buy a copy of this book. I would look for it online tonight, but I'm totally toasted. Will check it out tomorrow.

I hope you have a peaceful evening, that the rain cooled things down, so you can get a good night's rest.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, I was just about to have a simple
supper at home. I turned down an
invitation by an older friend, a veteran.
We formed a bond bc his wife died about
the same time as Linda. He wanted to meet
at our local bar, but I needed my peace &
quiet tonight. I reserve my energy for
Friday night , where all the guys show up,
sometimes with their wives. The 2 guys,39
years old, who bartend, have known each
other since they were young boys, and
they're a lot of fun. They kid me about
being "ancient"(!), and I threaten to call
a Vietnam Navy vet, who annoys THEM
'til closing, but likes me bc I thanked him
for his service and admired his life as a
tough fishing boat captain. Hope this makes you smile. We've been heavy duty,
as we greet newcomers, like Carole. Your
gut wrenching tale of your once strong &
proud husband's deterioration is, of course, a reminder if Linda, from a
smiling, sparkling blonde woman with
warm blue eyes to a bent over prematurely old woman of 68. She cooked
great meals for me in the beginning of our
marriage. I cooked for her, or got take-out
for us, at what turned out to be the end of
our marriage. She felt she was cursed
since childhood, when her younger
brother died of a rare illness, at 10, when
Linda was only 12. She never really got
over it, and her parents neglected her.
Mine were no better, & we decided to
"elope" in our mid-forties (!) to Las Vegas,
& turn our wedding into a honeymoon.
Linda said that was one of her happiest
memories. But, in the end, she said the
only thing keeping her going, was me.
But, try as we might, pray as much as we
want, it was Linda's time to leave this
earth, in her physical body, though her
spirit lies within me. Lou

 

Deb, for a person who is exhausted from
grieving while dealing with the mundane
necessities of life, you are self sacrificing
for all of us. It's OK if you take a break
once in a while. Then, I can, too! I enjoy
talking about grief books with you, but also about favorite TV shows & movies
of the past that we share in common. Lou

 

Dena, hope you're OK, and can be with us
on Grief in Common. I've been having
long emails with Deb, and also, Carole.
Look forward to hearing from you again.
Lou

 

Lou,

You did it again!! Thank you, a smile is always a great thing!! I really needed to smile. Backing up a bit, a friend from "home" called and asked me how I'm doing. I started talking about the upcoming holiday season, and as always, I started crying. I know I'll make it through the holidays, but I hope I can survive them in a way that would make my husband proud of me. I hope because it's a season of "firsts," next year will be a bit easier. Robin, on another thread, told me that it will get better, but there will always be tears mixed in with the smiles. She said smiles and tears are a strange combination, or at least I think she said something like this, I'm definitely toasted! It's hard for me to imagine smiles and tears together, but what she said makes sense.

I'm so sorry you had to watch Linda go through so many physical changes too. It must have been so difficult to watch cancer invade Linda's body... It's making me sad..., just thinking about it. When I first met my husband, he was very handsome. A couple months after we met, my husband wanted to meet my parents. I invited them to my apartment for dinner. My husband cooked us a delicious shrimp and scallop dinner. My parents really liked him and were happy for me. However, I remember as clearly as if it took place yesterday, my father telling me not to rush into things just because he was so good looking. A few of my friends told me basically the same thing. By the time it was the beginning of the end, the man I knew and loved was still here, but physically he was unrecognizable. If you saw pictures of him prior to him being sick, and then pictures of him during the final years of his life, you would never know it was the same person. Almost four years ago, when two of our children were visiting us, we took out some old family pictures. Our son and daughter, although they knew the pictures were pictures of their father, couldn't believe that those pictures were of the same man, sitting near them in his recliner. It was that drastic of a change. However, throughout his entire illness, he still had those beautiful green/blue eyes, the big smile that always made me smile, and up until several months before the beginning of the end, his wonderful sense of humor. He was always making me laugh. He made me laugh until tears were running down my face... (But as you now know, and everyone else now knows too , if they read anything I post, it isn't hard to make me cry.)

I'm sorry both you and Linda had such miserable childhoods. I'm also sorry that Linda lost her brother at such a young age. It's wonderful that the two of you met, and finally found the meaning of true love....

When it is our time to leave this earth, there is nothing we can do to stop it from happening. We have no control over this. However, as you so beautifully put it, "Linda's spirit lies within you." Our spouses, (as Robin also said in a different thread, or at least I think she was the person who said this) helped make us the people we are today. This is so true. If I had a magic wand and could go back in time, even if I knew what I know now, that my husband would leave this earth much too soon, that I would be filled with the worst heartache imaginable, I still would have said, "I do," so many years ago. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I'm positive you wouldn't have had it any other way either. True love is the most special and greatest gift of all. It's timeless...

I'm now way, way, past toasted. I'm stopping here for tonight.

I hope you're having the peaceful night you need...

As always, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

P.S. I'm looking forward to hearing about Friday nights adventures at your "Cheers" bar.

 

Deb, you are an amazing woman. I wish
we could meet face to face ( but we live
far away from each other), or talk on the
phone, or even write letters & send
postcards, but our long, soulful emails
will have to do. I saved our wedding
pictures. The photographer was our
only witness, aside from the minister.
He was a kind Baptist minister who
performed a nondenominational
service, at our request, bc Linda grew up
Catholic, and I grew up in the Jewish
faith. Our prayers to God were personal,
outside in nature, usually by the ocean
we both loved. I did not save Linda's last
driver's license, bc it broke my heart.
When she was a young girl, she was
very pretty & had beautiful blonde hair,
which she dyed nicely when we met. In
the end, she let her hair turn brown & it
was sparse, so she was thinking of getting
a wig, but it never happened. My love
never wavered. When we met, she said
she looked at my "kind eyes & smile" and
knew instantly that I would become her
husband. I knew she was special on our
1st date, but, like most men, didn't think
marriage right away. Lou

 

I have a picture in my phone of my wife in the hospital room with a smile. This was about 3-4 days before she passed. I went home that night to take care of things. A 3 1/2 hour drive one way. During the three months Mary was in the hospital, whenever I went home, I would call her 4-5 times a day. Just to make contact, just to hear her voice, just for her to hear my voice. The next day after that smile picture I called her as I usually would do. I would talk about the dogs, or something ordinary. Someone else answered the phone when I called my wife that time. That person held the phone to my wife's ear. I told Mary I loved her. I was told that Mary was trying to speak and tell me she loved me, and couldn't talk. She lost her ability to speak. I was told, in that moment, that she really wanted to say things and couldn't. It was so hard for her to not be able to say something. I was told that the look on my wife's face was heartbreaking.

There are many moments over the course of our 30 years together that I can remember. This one moment has moved to the forefront of the list of memories.
A women who wrote for a living. Someone who built her own business around putting words together. And she couldn't speak to her husband. And wouldn't ever again. She passed away a couple of days later.

It is so hard to watch a person go from full of life to not being there anymore.

 

I live in a small town, my wife's home town. About 650-700 people. One can leave the windows and doors open or unlocked and not worry about things. I'm from NYC. For me old habits don't go away. At night I lock the doors.

I think some of the movies on TCM are the best. I've enjoyed watching them.

9 plus weeks. Seems like a short time ago sometimes. Other times it seems like a lifetime ago. And yet one still deals with the grief.
June 26th was a Saturday. A tough day to remember for me.