Loss after three decade relationship.

The adjustment to a new way of life is hard. When things changed two months ago, it was difficult. I woke up each morning expecting her to be there. When I sat down at the table, I expected her to be in that chair.
She wasn't.
When I walk out into the living room now, I see a picture and an urn. It is hard to understand this. This is the adjustment that is hard, for me.

As much as I am working on moving forward in my life, there is the adjustment.
Yes, I miss Mary. I always will. After 30 years how can I not miss her?
Working on moving forward is what will happen. Mary will always be there in my memories and my heart. This is the adjustment for me.

 

Deb, I admire you for donating your
husband's food to the church. As I told
Mary, I cried the first few times I went to
the supermarket, & would rush down
aisles where Linda's items were, and try
not to look at them. It wasn't until a kind
a kind woman went with me, that the
crying finally stopped. She drives me
weekly to the supermarket, bc I choose
not to have a car. Linda never knew her,
but she was kind to me when Linda was
in the rehabilitation center. She's been
like a daughter to me ( Linda & I never
had children). Maybe you could have
someone accompany you to the market,
to ease the pain. Lou

 

Lou,

I'm so glad that you have a friend who takes you to the grocery store. I appreciate the advice. I'm not sure if it'll help me, but it's worth a try. Thank you so much for sharing.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

Deb, my grief counselor said I've become
a people person. The people in my small
town know I'm a widower. Whenever
I meet another couple, from out of state,
I will ask where they're from, bc most
people like to talk about themselves.
If the couple seems kind, I sometimes
tell them that Linda & I wanted to retire
by the sea. Then, Linda became ill and
then, died swiftly. Speaking with old
acquaintances & friends, puts me in a good mood. Lou

 

Lou,

It is always nice to hear from you and read your uplifting replies. Even though I'm still getting to "know" you, I'm always still amazed by how far you've come in your grief journey. I like how you keep Linda's memory alive by talking about her often. I know Linda would be so proud of all you've accomplished, so happy you've created a "new life" for yourself, and not only have found your "place" in the world again, but have brought her with you, by sharing so many memories with friends and acquaintances.

The ocean was my husband's, and still is, my very favorite place on earth. Like you, I never get tired of being near the ocean. It is so peaceful..., so calming..., so beautiful... So many special memories are from days my husband and I shared while at the beach..., walking along the shore..., swimming in the ocean..., sitting out over the rocks..., listening to all the sounds..., waves hitting the shore..., birds overhead..., watching the sunset... These memories bring back some of the very best times, the happiest times, in my life.

After our children were born, and we bought a boat, we used to take frequent trips to several islands that weren't too far from our home. We would drop anchor, and our children would jump overboard, happily playing in the water. Our "furry family member," our dog, used to put her front paws up on whatever side of the boat the children were near, watching them play. She didn't like to swim because of an incident that happened to her when she was just a puppy, but I'm positive, if she thought one of the children needing rescuing, she would have been overboard in a second!

We spent some fourth of July celebrations on our boat. When it was time for the fireworks, we would find a place to drop anchor. We loved watching the explosions of color fill the night sky, while out in the middle of the ocean... Backing up a bit, we dressed for the occasion. All of us would wear red, white and blue. The children would "dress" our dog, putting a red, white, and blue bandana over her collar. I would make red, white, and blue cookies and cupcakes for the children, and bring a big plastic container filled with strawberries and blueberries. We had a small grill that we kept on the boat. My husband would grill hamburgers and hot dogs for lunch. My dog always got a hamburger (plain, no seasonings) and some fruit. She loved fruit as much as she loved a good burger. The years that we didn't spend the fourth of July on our boat, we were either at the ocean, or by a pool, celebrating with friends and family. Our boat wasn't big enough to take too many people with us.

So many memories flooding my mind, but I need to stop here. As always, no matter how beautiful and special my memories are, they have me in tears... I miss my husband so very much..., with all my heart.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, as usual, your kind words about
Linda made me cry. As I've said before,
you write in such descriptive phrasesYou even injected some humor about your
dog on your boat. When I was growing up,
I was allergic to dogs, so we never had one.
I seem to have outgrown the allergy, which
has opened up a whole new world. If I
tell a dog owner what a beautiful, or
happy, dog he or she has, I always get a
smile. I choose not to have one, bc I like to
be outside all day, & visit with people and
their dogs on the promenade. In fact, I was
sitting with a much younger friend of
mine. He has an "old soul", bc he was a
sergeant in the Army in Afganistan, and
had PTSD. I was never in the military, but
had PTSD, when I saw Linda fall in front
of me, right before she died. Fast forward
over 2 & a half years. Two women & a dog
walked by us, with friendly smiles. They
had just moved here. It was a divorced
mother & her 18 year old daughter, about
to enter college. I felt an instant attraction
to the mother, with her expressive eyes &
warm smile. But, it is complicated, bc her
focus is on her only child, & they are very
close. She expressed an interest in
"tagging along" with my young friend,
when we have dinner at our favorite
CHEERS-like bar, or to hear live music.
I told my friend later that I WANT him to
be with us right now. I don't want her to
think of it as "a date". I didn't hide my age.
She complimented me by saying I looked
over 10 years younger. I don't want to be
foolish about this. The fact is that I like
the quiet of my apartment, & my freedom
to come & go. She may be the same way.
Her ex-husband is in another state. I told
Karen, & now you, that I will keep you
posted.

 

It is one thing to deal with all the stuff a person has. Pictures, clothes, etc.
It is another to deal with the emotions and memories.
Sitting on the back porch,watching the deer in the field next door.
Or playing a game of scrabble. ( I can only remember one time I beat Mary. Throughout the 30 years.)
Yes, I can look at a blouse I helped her pick out. The blouse is just a blouse. The memory of the smile, or the look of disapproval at the fit or color; that is what I shed tears about.
A phone bill is just a phone bill. But sitting across from her desk and discussing whether we should pay it that day or wait until the next payday, This is what I remember, and wonder about after the day she passed away.
I prefer to think about how to try as hard as I could to win a game of scrabble. And still lose. The scrabble game was donated. The memories are still here with me.

This the part of grief that is difficult.

 

I'M EMOTIONAL READING THIS. YES, THIS IS THE PART THAT IS DIFFICULT. THANK YOU FOR SHARING.

 

Jim, Thank you for responding to my
thoughts about donating items you no
longer use.I want to commend you for
donating the scrabble game. As far as the
piercing memories of grief about Mary, I
STILL have tears inducing pictures in my
mind, about Linda. It IS the little things,
the mundane things, that we took for
granted, which are gut wrenching. When
I shaved in the morning yesterday, I recalled that Linda helped me pick out my
electric razor at a particular store, and
cried for a moment. Another time, I heard
a song on my phone that we both liked.
I donated both the CD,on which the song
was AND the CD player. Even though I
don't have those items anymore, the
memory lingered & I cried briefly. The
key words here, Jim, after over 2 & a half
years since Linda's death, are "cried for a
moment" and "cried briefly". Right after
Linda's unexpected death in front of me,
I sobbed uncontrollably over ANY song.
Mary just died. Your emotions are raw and
painful. I'm so sorry, Jim.
From one widower to another, Lou

 

Lou,

I always like reading your replies. You lead such an interesting life! You give me hope, that someday, my life will be filled with more than (mostly) just memories and tears... Thank you so much for sharing!

Even though I don't know enough about the situation to give you any sort of advice, here's my first reaction: Try not to overthink your friendship with this woman. Enjoy her company as you would enjoy the company of any other friend. Just go with the flow... In time, both your head and your heart will tell you what to do. As I said, I'm really not in any position to give you any advice on this matter. I hesitated whether or not I should voice my opinion, but decided to go for it, mostly because I remember you mentioning her in an earlier post. Keep us updated...

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Jim,

I can relate to this so much. Like Karen, my eyes are filling with tears reading this...

Sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Perfect timing, Deb. Wise words, thank
you. At last American Legion band for
the summer. Sitting with young friend,
ex Army, 34, who suffered PTSD. I listen to
his sadness & anger about the horror in
Afganistan, where he was. He listened
to me about my PTSD over Linda's death.
I texted L, our female friend. She came
with her puppy Rottweiler, who's a
handful. L. has trained dogs, & got her to
relax. As we walked home, L turned to
me & said that she really liked knowing
me, & that I was a good person. I returned
the compliment. Then, she said she was
glad our young veteran friend stayed
here, got a job, and looks happier. I joked
with L. that some people thought N. was
my son. I'm using their first initials as a
way of keeping cool about L. & not to
"overthink". Lou

 

Lou,

Thank you for sharing. I smiled when I read this.
Have a good rest of the night.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you, Deb. I imagine that we're
talking on the phone, or writing letters
the old fashioned way. I've been wondering how Connie is doing,
( Don Con), bc she spoke of her late
husband, who was in the military. I'm
taking your advice about L. , my young
friend, N, and my grief counselor, who
guides me through my interactions with
people. I told N. that it was good to have
him with L. & me, bc I have a tendency
to babble. She hasn't spoken of her ex-
husband, although her daughter referred
to him as "Dad". I must say I'm glad he
lives in a different state! Sweet dreams.
Lou

 

You're welcome.

 

One of the things that is difficult with going through this grief is that those around me don't fully understand what it is like. My family is on the east coast. They call, or email, or text. It is a little hard to sit through a conversation when they try to give their perspective. None of my family has been through what I'm going through. Not even close in this kind of experience.
And some things that are talked about in life kind pale in importance, or magnitude, compared to this grief. At least at this time.
I love my family. I try to be patient with them. I understand that they don't know what it is like.

Just kind of venting.

On the other hand, there are people in this life who do understand, like in a forum like this one. I am thankful that there are those who are going through the grief that do understand. Thank you.

 

Jim, your last paragraph was so moving &
so true for me. I know that you, and some others on the forum, choose not to see a grief counselor. I had to, because I had
PTSD. Linda was my best (& only) friend
and family. After going voluntarily to the
ER, with extreme bereavement, loneliness,
survivor's guilt, and suicidal ideations, I
started seeing a psychiatric nurse
practioner. She was a warm, kind woman,
who had suffered the horrible grief of
her daughter, taking her own life. Rather
than crawling into a hole of grief, she
decided to channel that grief into helping
others, like me. The first few months, all I could do was cry, and "vent", as you so
eloquently put it. She let me do it, without
interruption. Gradually, she was able to
recommend articles, books, videos, poems,
and songs. She suggested Grief in Common. I didn't act upon it at the time,
but recently, after over 2 & a half years
since Linda's death, I found that talking
with friends wasn't good enough. I'm so
grateful to have joined this group, with
others, like you, who "understand". Thank
you. Lou

 

Lou,

I agree, "talking" to you is (almost) like being on the phone, or using "snail mail."

I've been thinking about Connie too. I think she's moving this month. I hope all the packing, things that need to be done prior to moving, are going smoothly. I'm so happy for her! I think the move will be a positive step forward, the beginning of her being able to move forward, "grow around her grief."

Hope you're enjoying another beautiful, sunny day by the water...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hope Connie is OK. I choose not to have
a TV, so I don't hear loud voices on the
"news", telling us how to think. I just
scan the headlines. My friend, N, is
sad & angry about the needless deaths
of 13 very young Marines, bc he was
over in Afganistan. I never complain
about the summer here, bc it's such a
short season. We had a lot of rain, in
the beginning ( I like it overnight!). Then,
we had a couple of " feels like 90 degrees"
days, but the sea breeze saves us. I've met
some friendly tourists from the South &
Midwest. They ask about my life here,
& I ask about their towns. Businesses,
like my local watering hole, are coming
back

 

Deb, I'll contradict what I just told you.
The humidity DID get to me, so I went
home to lay on my bed. I closed my eyes
for a few minutes, & jolted awake, bc I
saw her so vividly. Tears rolled down my
cheeks, and I did something I haven't
done for a while. I cried out to her,
saying, "I love you, Linda. I miss you.
Even if I meet someone else, you will
always be first". I received a text from a
a friend from Florida. He & girlfriend
come here for the summer. He is
well meaning, & wants me to get on a
dating site, but I don't want to. He wants
to meet me at our "CHEERS" bar at 5pm
We make each other laugh. After my
crying, I need that. I'll tell him about
L., her dog, and my friend, Nate, at band
concert last night. I'll keep you up to
date, Deb. Thank you for caring about
me. Linda would've liked you. Lou