Loss after three decade relationship.

Jim, Your poem about your 30 year
marriage with Mary, is beautiful and
moving. In fact, it moved me to tears
about my 25 year marriage with Linda.
We also knew that we were soulmates
for life, when we met. We got married
in our mid 40s, 1st marriage for both.
It was if we had waited for each other.
We had no children, so when Linda
died, I was very much alone and broken,
because she was my best ( and only)
friend & family. In my case, I had to see
a grief counselor once a week. I had
seen my wife collapse in front of me,
right before she died. I couldn't get that
image out of my head. I had PTSD, and
cried constantly. My therapist guided me
through my intense grief. That was 2 and
a half years ago. I made the decision to
move to a new apartment in a different
town, for a fresh start. The people in my
friendly small town welcomed me and I
told some of them about Linda. At first,
I just told them my wife had died. Later,
I quoted some of the funny things She
said. Linda didn't know any of these
people. The highest compliment I could
give them, was that Linda would have
loved them, and they smile. I still get
choked up every morning, but don't sob
like I used to. I push myself out the door,
to see the ocean and to walk with nature.
I feel the presence of God. I feel grateful
to be alive. The widows on this site, Karen,
Deb, Connie, Patti, have given me comfort,
and I've tried to help them. Linda would
have been proud of me. You are the only
fellow widower, so far, with whom I email.
That's why I suggested The Widower's
Notebook, a memoir, by Jonathan
Santlofer. It's good to know you, Jim.
Lou

 

I wrote that poem late last night.
Mary was my second marriage. The first was a mistake on my part. Too young to understand what to do in a relationship. I made a lot of mistakes in that first relationship and learned from them.
Mary was the best thing to happen to me. I grew into the person I am today. From God and Mary I learned a lot about myself and other people.

Life is a process. It is a learning and a growth process, in my opinion. Mary has passed away. I now have the opportunity to experience, learn, and grow from that moment. Any other reaction to this life would be detrimental.

As the English would say- "Carry on, old chap."

 

Thanks for sharing, Jim. Before Linda,
I had a relationship with a woman I met
in a bar. Red flags were there, but my
judgement was clouded with alcohol, on
top of my immaturity. She was angry
about her divorce, & her bitterness was
directed at me. One day, I had the sense
to end our dysfunctional situation.
When I met Linda at a party, we were
both sober & clear eyed. A year after
Linda's death, I stopped drinking bc I was
sinking into a deep depression. It's been
2 & a half years since Linda's death. If
another woman comes into my life, I
will have a clearer head. Linda wanted
me to meet another woman, if something
happened to her. I'm not actively seeking
but I'm not closing the door, either. Lou

 

Hi Jim, beautiful poem you wrote, thank you for sharing.
I use to write poems, my husband asked me to write one
for him, during his illness so I did, it was the last one I wrote,
I struggle many at times through this grief. I call out to God daily
to help me through it, I do try to help myself , I started
today thinking maybe I need to find a grief counselor.
Thankful to have found the groups here, with others who
understand. Blessings, Patti

 

Hi Lou,
I have gotten behind on being online. I stated thinking
today about seeing a grief counselor. How did you
Find one? Have questioned myself for long time if I might
have PTSD. Family physician suggested I go on melds,
but I don't want to Thankful to be out and about since
Friday, enjoying the walks and so is my little dog.
Glad our weather is behaving.
Blessings, Patti

 

Patti, thank you for reaching out to me
again. I definitely had PTSD, and went to
the ER, for extreme bereavement &
suicidal ideations. I couldn't get my last
glimpse of Linda, falling in front of me,
out of my mind. It was s horrible loop,
& I couldn't stop sobbing. I met with a
warm psychiatric nurse practitioner/
grief counselor. She had been an RN
for many years & was a wonderful,
compassionate listener, who specializes
in grief counseling. So glad I chose her,
bc the 1st therapist with whom I talked,
was cold & impatient, wanted me to have
"a plan", and not repeat myself! I told him
I needed someone with more empathy.
He didn't care bc he was about to retire.
Don't settle for less, Patti. My gut instinct
said to walk away after the first session,
but I was desperate, & had 2 more with
the "cold fish". I guess he made me
appreciate the NP. It may be good for you,
Patti. After 2 & a half years, as I told Jim,
I still cry many mornings, before I walk
outside in nature, & talk with friends, but
I don't weep like I did before. Please keep
in touch. God Bless. Lou

 

Hi Lou,
Thank you for replying back to me, my email isn't
working, keeps saying "can't get emails" , this has
been happening quite often past few weeks.so I've
been coming back to read posts. And to keep up with
everyone's postings.
So glad you were able to get the NP help.
I have appointment with a new primary physician, maybe he
can recommend a grief councoler.
I keep trying to get past the years Jack was so ill,
the last three months are so embedded in my mind,
I pray to get beyond them. As I have heard many times
over, " grief has no time limit."
It was nice reading when you met Linda and
others here mentioning when they met their loved ones, happy
memory came to my mind when and where Jack and I first met..
Blessings, Patti

 

Patti, so glad you can catch up on the
"threads" of conversation. I missed your
talking about Jack. My NP asked me to
write down a list of Linda's funny
phrases. I couldn't do it at first, bc I was
overcome with tears. I let time go by,
and wrote a list, over coffee, one
morning, Now, I find myself quoting
her to strangers, as well as friends.
Neither group ever met Linda, & I find it
easier to bring up fun memories, at long
last. Good to talk with you again. Lou

 

Sometimes the only thing we have is to call out to God. I do the same thing everyday. It is the comfort of knowing I can call out to Him that helps me.
It is a good thing to find a counselor. As some here in the forum has said, it helps to get clarity in a struggle.
There is a comfort in knowing we have others in a thread or forum who understand. It makes one feel not so alone going through the grief.

Writing helps me to sort through my feelings and thoughts.
Don't be afraid to write again. Even if no one else ever sees your writings.

We each will get through the grief. It may not seem like it now.

 

Jim, I enjoy seeing you correspond with
Patti, Deb, and others. You are relatively
new to this group, with Mary's very
recent death.I chose Van Gogh as my user
name, bc he was a tortured soul, with
manic highs of inspiration, and the
extreme lows of depression. When I listen
to Starry, Starry Night, I cry. I was like
that, with PTSD, after Linda's sudden
death in front of me. With help from my
grief counselor, I learned to walk outside
in nature, & enjoy the sun on my face. For
me, it is seeing the changing tides of the
ocean every day. I never get tired of it, &
I say a prayer of gratefulness to God, to be
alive, in a beautiful place I call home. Lou

 

I'M STILL HERE READING EVERYONE'S POST. FROM ONE ARM ME, KAREN

 

An interesting thought.

I have this strange way about me. It seems like I have to eat sometimes. So, I went to get groceries today.

Mary and I would make a day of it running errands and getting groceries each week. I enjoyed the doing of those things with her.

Yet, I had a thought today.
Before I met Mary, I would go to the store and get what I wanted. It would be meals only for me.
When Mary and I got married, we would get the things that would be for meals for two. There was a change in my way of thinking (in a positive way). A kind of adjustment in dealing with two instead of one with meal planning. It was an adjustment I made with gratefulness.

Two months ago today everything changed.

Today I did the errands that needed to be done. I don't mind doing these things. But my thinking today was different. I did things solely in my own thought process. There is a change in my thinking to the singleness of my life now. There was no "Do we want vine tomatoes or roma tomatoes?" Or "You want me to get the rolls while you get eggs?" This wasn't there today. I just got the stuff I wanted to make for meals. Which I don't mind doing. It's that strange need to eat on occasion.

The interaction is gone. My adjustment has changed again in my life.

It just felt strange today. There is a readjustment in my life.

 

Jim, woke up just now, in middle of the
night, & was a pleased to see your email.When I met Linda, I wasn't much of
a cook. Due to my varied work schedule,
I did a lot of take-out, eating in pubs after
work, & heating up frozen meals at home.
She taught me to bake chicken, for example, & it was wonderful to eat "real
food" as she called it. When she was well,
she did all the cooking, but when she
became ill, & couldn't stand in the kitchen
for too long, I took over. When Linda died,
I was too heartbroken to cook for myself,
& reverted to my former ways. One day,
I decided to go to the same supermarket
we used to go to together, and bought
chicken. Without over thinking, I went
home & made myself a dinner, & sat down
at a table. The food was delicious, "real
food", & I thought Linda would be proud
of me. You are much further along ,Jim,
than I was, in my grief, and I admire your
courage. Lou

 

Adjustments are hard, especially when you have such fond memories of the way it was. I found myself buying what Jeff would eat for the longest time, even if it was not my favorite and would sit in the cupboard and go uneaten. So sorry you are going through this
Peace
Mary

 

Mary, it's been a while since your last
thread. Thank you for reaching out to
Jim,(& to me).After Linda died, I couldn't
go into our supermarket without crying.
I walked quickly past the items she liked,
but I didn't. Now, 2 & a half years after
Linda's death, I have a shopping list, for
myself, & don't cry anymore. God Bless.
Lou

 

Hi Everyone,

I haven't been around in a few days. I haven't had a chance to catch up how everyone is doing, but want you to know that I've been thinking about all of you.

For now, sending hugs to everyone, wishing all of us peace. DEB

 

As you can see by your "likes", we missed
you, Deb! I must have fear of abandonment issues, bc I worry when
I don't see my friends on here. I try to
keep up with the "threads". Lou

 

Mary,

My experience is the exact opposite of what you experienced. When my husband died, I couldn't (and still can't) eat my husband's favorite foods. The day before I brought my husband home from rehab, for what I didn't know then, would be the second to last day, and the last night, he would ever spend at home, I went grocery shopping. I planned to make my husband some of his favorite meals. When he died, just seeing his favorite foods, made me burst into tears. My next door neighbor helps prepare dinner for those in need once a week at his church. I gave him everything I couldn't eat. He was so grateful for the donation. I was so grateful nothing was going to waste.

Fast forward to the present. I have to bring tissues to the grocery store with me. The world is full of triggers... It's exhausting.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

Lou,

There is no way I will suddenly disappear. I would miss my new friends way too much!

On to an entirely different subject, Permission To Mourn, arrived today. I'm looking forward to reading it this weekend. I'm looking forward to discussing this book with you, Karen, and everyone else who has read it.

As always sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Patti,

Some of my friends have told me they think I have PTSD. It's been over four months and I still can't open the door to the guest bathroom or the guest bedroom. I don't want to "hear" my husband's voice begging me to help him, in agony, before the ambulance arrived. I can't drive past the hospital where he spent his final hours on earth, even though you can't see the building from the main road. I don't want to "see" him dead, wrapped in a white sheet, the tube still down his throat... I want to remember the beautiful moments we shared..., I don't want to remember him this way.

I'm glad you're doing everything you can to help yourself heal. I'm so sorry you're going through a similar situation. I know it doesn't help, but I understand. Whenever you want/need to "talk" about this, we're here. We will "listen." We will help you in any way we can. As someone said in an earlier post, we will get through this together.

Sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.