Loss after three decade relationship.

Thank you, Deb. Even though summer
is my favorite season, I'm going to make
the most of winter, too. Unless there's ice
on the ground, I plan to take a short bus
ride to a nearby larger city, where I can
have indoor breakfasts or lunches, to walk
in a different area, for variety.

 

Hi Karen,

It's so nice hearing from you. I hope, even though you haven't started PT yet, that your arm is feeling better, and you aren't in much pain.

I miss "talking" to you. I'm looking forward to the day when you'll be able to join in our conversations again.

For now, sending lots of hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

THANK U DEB

 

Lou,

I think it's wonderful that you already have plans for the winter. I'm looking forward to your vivid descriptions of the places you visit.

I'm dreading the fall, the beginning of the holiday season. I've been thinking of things I can do to help myself get through the first holiday season without my husband. I'm going to volunteer to work at the animal shelter on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Also, I think I might look into volunteering to help serve Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners to those in need. I want something good to come out of all this pain.

Lots more I want to write, but I'm exhausted, so I'm stopping here for tonight.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

Hope you get some rest tonight...

 

somehow my response ended up as part of Deb123's quote. oops.

 

Jim, after Linda died, I joined a widowed
persons group. I was the only male, with
20 females. They were welcoming, but I
grew tired of it. Some widowers had
dropped out. I think it would have been
better if they had stayed. I related much
more to the book, The Widower's
Notebook, which mirrored my experience.
Now, I've formed a bond with 2 men, who
miss their wives. One man is about my
age, & the other, 10 years older. Both
consider having a female companion in
their lives, but are not actively seeking
one. Neither am I. I love talking with
Karen, Deb, Connie, & other women, in this group, but, I'm glad to hear your
perspective as a fellow widower. Like me,
you seem to like to write. Lou

 

Deb, went to be bed early last night, bc I
was tired from a lot of walking in the
summer heat, & talking with friends, on
our pier. I know the owners of the shops &
restaurants, & am so glad they are finally
doing good business, after COVID. Your
animal shelter and serving food over the
holidays ideas , are great. Linda died
right before Thanksgiving, 2018. I drank
more, stayed out late, & came down with
the flu TWICE, a year later. As I've
mentioned, I became very depressed &
felt very alone and sorry for myself. My
grief counselor/ therapist gently
suggested I give up drinking, which I did.
My upstairs neighbors invited me to
Thanksgiving dinner, but I couldn't go bc
I was sick. On July 4th, I was invited to
a different family's home. I had a great
time. God willing, I will spend the next
Thanksgiving with them. I don't want to
dread any season, bc life is too short.
Always good to hear from you, Deb. Lou

 

Rediscovering who I am. This is what I'm thinking about these days. Mary will always be in my memories. I am trying to come to terms with the grief. I know that in a week it will only be two months since she passed. I have looked at the way things are in my house. I'm starting to make it my place. It is no longer "our" place. Unfortunately.
But I'm trying to move forward in my life. What little I've done has not been easy. It is that grief. I have heard it said that the first year after a loss is when the grief is in the forefront the most. Time will tell how I get through.

I can't go back and change any of what has happened. I can't stagnate in a solitary moment (the day Mary passed). I can only move forward. Maybe a small step here, a bigger step there. And there will be moments when it will seem like it is harder than before. Going forward. I have to. I want to.

I came into this thread unsure of what to do or think. Over the past couple of days I have decided to move forward.

Life is a gift. I know there is a reason why we're still on this earth. I don't want to waste the remaining time I have left, being miserable, regretting the choices I make, at the end of my life. I'm trying as hard as I can to move forward. It is way beyond difficult, but I know my husband would want me to create a new life for myself, and that Mary would want the same for you too.

Thank you for starting this thread. Reading, thinking about what everyone has said, and responding to posts, has been one of the most positive things I have done since my husband passed away. I'm glad it has been a positive experience for you too. In such a short period of time, you have taken a big step forward in your grief journey. I think Mary would be very proud of you.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, you have such an eloquent way of
expressing your emotions, that I always
cry when reading your words. I know
you were comforting and praising Jim,
over the very recent death of his beloved
wife, Mary. When you said Mary would've
wanted Jim to be happy, I know that Linda
made me PROMISE her to try to be happy,
if she didn't make it. She even said she
didn't want me to end up alone, & that
I should find another woman. I didn't
want to talk about it at the time. Your
ideas of seeking happiness, are shown
in Tom Zuba's book, Permission to
Mourn. My grief counselor suggested it
for me, & I recommend the book to our
group. Thanks again, Deb, and God
Bless You. Loul

 

Lou,

It's always good to hear from you too. I agree, life is too short. As I said in my reply to Mike's latest post, I believe life is a gift. I'm trying as hard as I can to figure out who I am, now that my husband is no longer here with me. I know the holidays are going to be very difficult and challenging for me. It'll be the first time in so many years that my husband won't be with me. My children are grown. They have their own lives to live. They have moved on. Although I know they'll probably visit me during the holidays this year, I doubt I'll see them for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know if they visit, they will want to help serve meals right along with me.

Right now making Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners just seems like a chore, something that I have to do. It makes me feel so sad to say this...
I know I'll feel better if I can make a positive difference in someone else's life, no matter how small it is. I want something good to come out of all this pain.

I'm glad you won't be alone, and will (hopefully!!) enjoy Thanksgiving with your upstairs neighbors.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thanks, Deb. The fact is that the family
who invited me to their home on the
Fourth of July, have "adopted" me into
their family. The parents are my age.
Their tall ( !) daughter is like a daughter
I never had. She has been kind to me
since Linda died, though she never met
me. She takes me to the supermarket
every week, bc I choose not to drive.
I rarely see my upstairs neighbors, but
they are kind, also. Keep us posted. It
DOES get better, but crying ( like I do
some mornings) is healthy, cathartic, &
natural. God Bless. Lou

 

Correction: the kind "daughter" never
met Linda

 

Lou,

I've always enjoyed writing (maybe one day I'll get back into it), but since my husband's death, it's been much harder for me to express myself in words. I'm sorry my posts always make you cry, but it makes me glad to know that you understand the feelings, I'm trying so hard to explain. Thank you for sharing this with me.

Linda was a very special person. The love you had, and still have for her, shines through your posts. I know she loved you just as much as you loved, and still love, her. Although Linda was so sick, she was concerned about you, she wanted you to be happy. I think you've already kept your promise to her. Although you still miss Linda with all your heart, you're doing everything you possibly can to be happy, and are now able to enjoy life again. You are a very strong and determined person. When I think of all the obstacles that were in your way, I'm amazed at how far down this miserable path you've traveled already. This would make Linda not only very proud of you, but also very happy too.

My husband wanted me to be happy also. I'm not as far along in this miserable grief journey as you are, but I'm trying as hard as I can to (hopefully) reach the end of this miserable trip. I want more than anything else, to make my husband proud of me. My husband also told me that he wants me to move on, to find another man to share my life with. At this moment in time, I can't even begin to imagine being with anyone but my husband. It's way to early in my grief journey for me to think about this. I have lots of work I need to do first. I need to be a "whole" person again before I can even consider the possibility of sharing my life with someone else.

Thank you so much for mentioning Tom Zuba's book. I'm going to buy it.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Yes, life is a gift. What the future holds, I don't know. What I do know is I want to enjoy it like I've always have. A gift is to be enjoyed.
When I started this thread I was trying to give "voice" to my thoughts. I didn't expect anything more. I am glad that those who read and contribute are helped.
You're welcome (about starting this thread).
I think one has to try to move forward. Otherwise it is filled with depression and/or misery. I can't think about what should've, could've, would've been. I want to live. I want to experience what life has to offer. This has been my perspective for most of my adult life. Even before Mary came into the picture. Now she is not here, and I want to experience this new chapter of my life.
I will miss Mary. But I want to move on through and see what happens.

I understand myself enough to know that I can't stay in a way of thinking that is "down". I lost the best thing to happen to me. I choose to take what was good and hold those moments. This is part of my moving forward. It is hard to lose the one I love. This is the way it is.
Now what does life have to offer?

 

Thank you for your wonderful words
about Linda. I didn't cry this time, Deb.
I just came home from a party ( no
alcohol). I've met these people AFTER
Linda's death. When I get to know
someone, male or female, the highest
compliment I can give, is that Linda
would have loved this person. I always
get a smile. It was so nice to see your
message when I checked my emails. I'm
so glad you're going to buy Zuba's book.
I would love to hear your thoughts. I
enjoy sending postcards & letters to a
couple out of state, who met me here a year after Linda died. They love the
ocean & will be visiting here in mid-
Oct. Well, it's almost my bedtime: early to
bed, early to rise......Good night, Lou

 

Lou,

It makes me smile when I read that you went to a party and are enjoying life. Your posts help to keep me moving forward in this miserable grief journey, the best I possibly can.

Zuba's book isn't in any local stores, so I ordered a copy online. It should arrive before the end of the week. I'm looking forward to reading it and "talking" to you about it.

Enjoy your day...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, you & I are alike, in many ways.
You like to take walks in nature, as do I.
I've met many people from the South,
& have found most of them to be very
warm & friendly. New England has a
reputation for being rather cold &
inhospitable to strangers, but that has not
been my experience in my welcoming
small town. I like to say that we're
"talking", too!

 

Grief and happiness.

It has been an interesting ride
The past 30 years
You and I have been through a lot
Had fun. but also shed some tears

I knew from the beginning you would be the one
Just you for me
I thought it would go on forever
Just you and me

But it didn't work out that way
I lost the best thing to ever happen in this life
I gave to you what I had
My happiness was you as my wife

It is hard to understand that you are gone
You have a place in my heart
I don't know what will happen going forward now
The memories of you won't ever depart

I could go on and on
Words really won't do
I will only say one thing more
I will say a simple "thank you".