Just lost the love of my life

Helena, My heart is breaking for you right now. I’d love nothing more than to come give you a real hug and sit with you and help you through all of this that would do my heart good and it would be helpful to you but alas that can’t happen but know that I wish you could. I’d be by your side in a heartbeat. GW is the best family of people we’ve never met. Because we get it. People mean well but they really have no clue. Crying is ok. And needed, so let the tears flow. Then if you can bring yourself to take a deep breath and try to go outside. In your yard and walk a little. Or even in your doorway. Breathe in the fresh air. Tell yourself Geoff is with you and he wants you to be ok. He loves you and will forever! Lots of love!! Robin

 

You're welcome, Helena. And I'm so sorry that you are unable to control this sadness that's invading you all the time! I know how extremely difficult that it is! And I totally understand how you feel about Geoff, as I am experiencing the same feelings about Keith... He was my husband as well as my very best friend!! And I feel like we have to take each day one day at a time, and it is definitely a challenge to keep going through these waves of sadness throughout our grieving! And know that I will always be here to listen and be supportive of you, Helena.
And thank you for your peaceful day wishes, and I'm hoping you will somehow find some peace today and peace in every day! And I'm sending you more cyber
Debra

 

Dear Robin and Helena, am on the same wavelength with you, cry an awful lot, and am sad more than I am OK. It is really hard getting through these times. As you and many other GW have said, the waves recede and then suddenly without warning they crash on you and take you under....in this situation, you grab any life preserver you can find and hang on with all your heart hoping you come up for air soon....I feel for all of us and hope that today and every day gets a little better....wishing you more sunshine and smiles, sending hugs, prayers, comfort to us all.....Rita

 

Thank you Robin for your kind words. Gary

 

Helena you have been in my thoughts all day. One thing about grief is that it never stays the same. Constant change and flux. When I feel good I know it’s only temporary. So when we feel bad it’s the same way. I try to distract my mind away from it when I take large doses of grief. Free jigsaw puzzles.com that Rita told us about are neat. I play aarp.org staying sharp games. There is a game called Bubble Topia. Bubbles come up from the bottom of the screen with positive and negative emotions labeled on them. The trick is to click on positive emotions like love passion tender peace rapt ect. It does make a slight difference in my mood. Robin suggested getting outside which is a game changer. I started pulling weeds and putting mulch down in my beloved Cheerful Cheryl’s flower garden today. My progress was pitifully slow but I started feeling better. It’s the action we take that sets us free from Mr Grief temporarily. Sending you a cyber huge. Gary

 

Older brother Lou I been racking my brain and I can’t find the post where you so generously gave me another LMSO(laugh my sad off). It was the one where the bully of the place did something obnoxious and Linda let him have it. Then I believe the bully asked you what Linda said. I had an awkward moment in the hair salon Thursday. I had other business in town and got done early so I went to the salon about 45 minutes before my appointment. I guess I must have violated my stylist air space when walked into her booth and asked if she could cut me sooner. She gave me the look that the bully probably gave you. I went back to the truck with hurt feelings but returned on schedule. This was a large woman. I asked her if she played basketball? She said no that she threw the shot put and discus and competed at the state championships. I was on my best behavior then. Gary

 

Gary, woke up at my usual 6:30am, and
read your hair salon story. I looked at
"alerts" and found you right away. I use
alerts to find posts from previous days.
Basically, Linda & I were trying to have a
quiet dinner at a bar. Linda became
annoyed with a large man , a couple seats
away, who was loudly talking. Linda
said something about him, & the jerk
asked me, in a drunken voice "What'd
she say?" . I don't recall what I said. But,
in retrospect. I wish we had just moved to
a table. Unfortunately, if you sit at a bar,
there's no guarantee that it will be quiet.
The only place you can control your
atmosphere, is at home. Linda had a hard
time in life, bc she wanted other people
to talk quietly with each other like we did.
One of her sayings, was " If I were queen...". Your situation was different,
Gary. I must say that if I were you, I would
find another barbershop. I had different
barbers, but finally found one I liked.
She's 28, gives me great haircuts, at a
senior rate. She works for a guy, who
does haircuts next to her. But, I make
appointments with her. I look forward to
seeing her. I could be the age of her
grandfather, & she treats me with respect.
But, she goes beyond that. She's bright,
funny, . asks how I am. One day. I decided
to tell her about Linda, how sad I was. She
was very kind, & I almost cried. I said I
was sorry for burdening her with my
troubles. She looked at me & said, "That's
what I'm here for!". I ask her about her
life, too. You deserve a pleasant experience, Gary, whether you go to a
male, or female barber. I fell on the
sidewalk last year, cut open one knee &
tensed up the other. When I got home,
I found out I couldn't tie my sneakers or
use the stairs. I needed to go to a PT. She
was a kind, younger married woman.
Before we did the leg exercises, I said my
wife had always come with me to appointments. I got teary eyed, & she gave
me kleenex. After the rehab,a friend about
my age, suggested I go to a place for a
pedicure. I laughed, bc I thought that was
for women. I decided to go, & it's wonderful. Once again, I go to another
kind, married woman. As I put my feet in
the warm whirlpool, before the pedicure,
the woman & I talk. There is a theme here,
Gary. I choose to be with kind people. Life
is too short, and we've been through too
much, to settle for anything less. Lou

 

Helena this some of my art. I made it today. It helped distract my mind. Now I’m going to pull weeds and spread mulch. I Hope you have a good day. Sending you positive thoughts. Gary

 

To Lou, Gary, Helena, Deb, Rita, Bernadine, Alex, Lisa and all that have been so caring and empathetic, thank you so very much! And know that you are all in my thoughts.
I just wanted to say that I'm having an extremely depressing day. I and my girls went to Passover dinner last night and although everyone was so kind and understanding, especially the Rabbi and his wife, whom we have known for five years, I just didn't feel comfortable. And my daughter, Ava started crying and then she said, "Mom, it's just not the same without Dad! " And that made me and my older daughter Marina started crying and we just couldn't enjoy ourselves!! So if I'm not logging in to GIC as often, it is because I need some time away... and I'm wishing you all a peaceful day.
Take care always
Debra

 

Debra, Passover & Easter are sad times
for people like us who no longer have
our soulmates with us. Linda loved to
decorate our apartment. Since we didn't
have children, we acted like kids ourselves.
She would get us chocolates, looking
like bunnies. Long before we met, when I

was growing up, I loved going to my
uncle's house with all my aunts & cousins,
for a Passover seder. By the time I met
Linda, in our mid forties, all my relatives
were dead. I never wanted to go to
another seder, bc it would never capture
the magic of the people etched in my
memory. Lou

 

I try to send the photo again. I don’t smoke or drink any more. I just like making things out of antlers. Gary

 

Lou, thank you so much for reaching out to me and for understanding.And I agree that Passover and Easter are sad times for us who no longer have our soulmates with us. I didn't want to go, but the Rabbi and his wife kept saying it would be good for us to be out of the house for the evening... and it's always fun to act like kids especially on holidays, I know Keith and I enjoyed doing that before we had the girls.
And It's so awesome that you had loved going to your Uncle's house with all your aunts and cousins for a Passover seder.
And it's understandable that you never wanted to go to another seder after all of your relatives died bc it would never capture the magic of the people etched in your memory. And after the way I felt and I saw how my daughters felt last night, I feel like we should not attend any more of them. Right now, we are doing a project with the Synagogue, collecting buttons a d displaying them in huge plexiglass cases. Someone donated a huge collection of buttons, and the members and all of their relatives have been donating them as well for almost a year already. Each plexiglass case will represent a holocaust victim. So there will be 6 plexiglass cases with 1 million buttons in each case! This is in remembrance of the people who died during the holocaust. And so we have been helping sort the buttons and fill the cases. It will take a while longer, but we have made good progress. And I hope that you have had a peaceful day, and your weather is good there. And know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Take care always,
Debra

 

Gary, your antler hobby is a lot more
satisfying than smoking & drinking. Please
see my long reply to you this am about
your post last night about that awful
hair stylist. I'd like to read your thoughts
on what I said. Thank you. Lou

 

Oh, my God, Debra, that is such a moving
project of remembrance . Linda was
raised Catholic, & I was raised in the
Jewish faith, but we chose not to join
any congregation. We felt the presence of
God every day, when we looked at the
timeless tides of the ocean. We felt a
peace there. The other time I felt like
that, was on a group trip to Israel, before
I met Linda. I walked away from my
group & sat on a wall on a quiet street in
Jerusalem. Even though the trip was many
years ago, I can picture that scene, as if
it were yesterday. Lou

 

Older brother Lou. You are right about me finding a new place to get my haircut. I feel so much anxiety in this place but I would probably feel that where ever I went. The stylist that usually cuts my hair had a baby and quit. I did have a good experience at the dentist though. The woman who works there that lost her step daughter 9 months ago that I told about GIC came up to me and gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. Her name is Mandy and she talked with me 5 minutes. It’s amazing how that can change your day. Gary

 

Thanks so much for getting back to me
about the hair stylist, Gary. Before I went
to my current barber, I had 2 unpleasant
barbers, who made me tense. A cab driver
recommended the young woman, and it's
made all the difference. When she went
on vacation, her boss gave me a haircut.
He had taught her, so the haircut was
the same. I love your story about Mandy.
Both of you needed kindness. Lou

 

Hi Debra. It took me 3 months before I was ready to attend a graduation party. I cried telling Cheryl’s fate to some of the relatives. Ironically since a bunch of relation were in town there was another party the next day that I attended. That was the last time I gathered with any family members other than my brother Mark and his kids. I only hang out with people who support my grief or are neutral. Its sad your daughters had to feel that pain. But It’s good to know they’re helping in the button project. I am really glad to hear your daughters and you do yoga. I bet that keeps you grounded. I worked in Cheryl’s flower garden today. I begrudgingly took the project on in the beginning but now I’m glad I have it. Its amazing what pulling weeds and hearing bird songs can do for my brain. I only work 2-3 hours. And I do the 15/15 plan. 15 minutes of work then take a 15 minute break. It’s nice to have a place to come where people understand us. Gary

 

I totally agree, Lou. It really is such a moving project of remembrance, and one that I and my daughters are so proud to help with! And I totally understand why you chose not to be a part of a congregation, being that Linda was raised Catholic and you were raised in the Jewish faith. And for us it was the opposite, Keith was Christian, and I was raised in the Jewish faith, but Keith loved Judaism so much that he embraced it, and felt like he wanted to learn more and more about our holidays, and study the Torah. And he was always welcomed by our Rabbi to attend Chabad with me and our girls.
And it is so good that you felt the presence of God every day when you looked at the timeless tides of the ocean, and that you felt a peace there. Oh, you are so fortunate to be able to live near the ocean! It is so very beautiful and peaceful! And it's so awesome that you also went on a group trip to Israel! And I'm thinking Jerusalem is really interesting, so much to see, and I so wish that I could take a trip! And although it has been many years ago since you took that trip, I understand why you can picture that scene as if it were yesterday.
Debra

 

Debra, your words about Keith's and
your religions, are very honest. Linda
was able to travel to Europe , with
friends, in her 20s, but never went to
Israel. I never went to Europe. But,
when we became "armchair travelers"
in our retirement years, we watched the
Travel channel. When they showed
Barcelona, Spain, for example, she
would point & say, " I was there!". I would
do the same about Israel. Lou

 

Hi, Gary. And thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me. And I totally understand why it took you 3 months before you were ready to attend a graduation party, and why you cried telling Cheryl's fate to some of the relatives... because it is so extremely painful!! And it is ironic that since a bunch of relations were in town there was another party the next day you attended. And I also understand why that was the last time you gathered with any family members other than your brother Mark and his kids. And I'm so glad that you only hang out with people that support your grief or who are neutral. I actually had to stop talking with a couple of "friends" who didn't really understand the depth of how extremely devastating painful the grief that I and my kids are experiencing actually is!! And I felt very sad to see my daughters feeling that pain! And thank you so much for your support and saying you're glad to hear that my daughters and I do yoga. It definitely does help keep us grounded and it's also something to look forward to. And I agree that it is good to have them helping in the button project, and it has been such a great experience for us!
And it's so awesome that although at first you begrudgingly took on the project of working in Cheryl's flower garden, that you're glad that you have it, and that you feel like it's amazing what pulling weeds and hearing bird songs can do for your brain. And 2-3 hours is a good stretch of time, and I think this is a lovely way to honor her!
And your 15 /15 plan is great! And it really is nice to have a place to come where people understand us. And thank you so much for reaching out to me as well as for your kindness and empathy! And know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts. And hoping you will have a good as well as peaceful evening, and more peaceful days to come! Take care always,
Debra