Just lost the love of my life

Good afternoon Bernadine, hope you feel a little better now! After so many tears I have a bad headache...what can we do...? No knowing from one day to another and sometimes from one hour to another, this is our grieving, but tomorrow am sure will be better!! One day, one hour, one minute at the time

Good evening Bernadine, I just hope that you're feeling a little better now!, I'm glad that you have Magy a nice canine companion, like myself here with the company of Yogy (small dog) and Sami (a tabby cat) unfortunately they don't talk back....I hope tomorrow will be a better day for us. Wishing you a good rest of the evening. Helena

 

Yes, Gary I have felt that too. I'm certain of the coming reunions which keeps me going.

 

Oh, headaches from tears, yes that tension.
We’ve had hail!
I think the weather gods are playing with me…
Maggie doesn’t even seem to notice, just trots along while I’m being pelted.
I’m sure we were a sight if anyone had looked out their windows this evening.
As we turned the corner towards the house it cleared, there was a rainbow in the sky.
A Complete one, full arc, horizon to horizon. Hello, Kenn, I said.
~Bernadine

 

Gary,
Kenn said hello in a rainbow today.
Thank you for helping us remember to watch for their signs.
~B

 

Helena, Bernadine, Gary, Alex and other Grief Warriors who have been experiencing a deep fall into grief's hole, I am there too. The emotions we experience are truly draining.......haven't been able to say a lot here in the last couple of days, too hard to even put into words. My love and I were waiting for our new grandbaby boy, who was born yesterday morning, and all I could do all day was cry because my husband wasn't here to see him. Of course, didn't get to go to hospital with all the covid restrictions, so had to be content with cellphone photos. But when the first photo came, I just cried. He was so tiny, perfect and beautiful. I want so much happiness and love for him. This is our son's first child and brought back so many memories all day.......grief and loss are so overwhelming; I know what each one of us is going through. I try to tell myself; it's only been about 2 months since the love of my life left and it is OK to not be OK, but when the pain hits, it's like being hit by a truck and trying to pick up all the pieces again, each time over and over and the crying, although great to let it out, is so exhausting........I am so sorry for each one of you and so many others in this world who grieve every day, in places we have never even heard of, in situations more unbearable than I can even imagine, and all I can do it contribute support and prayers for all. I truly hope that today is better for you, GW. I am really trying to put the pieces together again.......Enough from me right now, sending you all hope, love, prayers, strength, comfort and wishes for smiles in the sunshine.....look above the clouds and the stars....Rita

 

Alex, Like you I was diagnosed many years ago. I was 36, took many doctor visits, many tests before I got the diagnosis. This came on over night and while my Dad was suffering and eventually passed from cancer. I was a mess. I’m very much like you in that I am not a pill taker. I am happy that Humira kept you in remission for such a long time. But then caused you to contract MAC. So sorry about that I’m hoping you can keep that in check. I haven’t been on Humira or any biologic therapies. I’ll admit, I’m afraid of them. I do use ice on my knee and warm water on my hands. Doing dishes is great therapy. Plus I used to sew at least 6 hours a day. As you know moving is very important. I cried when my RA dr told me he was retiring. He was so caring when I told him Ron passed. He had tears, Ron always went with me for my appointments. But it is what it is. I found a dr that takes my insurance and I pray I like him and that he listens to my concerns. I always felt bad that Ron had to help me so much. But he loved helping me and promised to care for me forever. And he did do that, but that came so early in life. I believe stress is what brought RA on when I was 36. And continues to cause flare ups. I’m so sorry you’re feeling worse but I hope your new doctor will also kick your arthritis in the butt. I hope you’re on the road to feeling better. Keep moving, our husbands are with us, not physically but they’re love is with us to stay.
Take care. Feel better! Robin

 

Good morning, Alex. I hope you have been feeling better since your doctor's appointment, and you have been having peace in your days. Know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Take care always,
Debra

 

Congratulations, Rita on the birth of your grandchild.
And I’m so sorry, I can imagine feeling your husband’s absence in that moment. Bittersweet.
Minute by minute….
~B

 

Rita you’re in the most difficult part of your grief journey. I was regularly having bawling jags 3 months after losing Cheryl. The book Permission to Mourn says after a good bout of mourning say to yourself I am heal I am healing I am healing. Because you are letting the grief bubble out. Congratulations on your grandson. When Cheryl passed her goddaughter Cortney became pregnant. They were very close. Don’t forget how good you felt last Sunday. This is the yin and yang of grief. Constant change and flux. You are a warrior. We battle Mr Grief and sometimes he wounds us and we have to heal. This is why we constantly remind each other to be patient with ourselves. I’m glad you are with us. Gary

 

Dear Rita, Congratulations on the bird of your grandson. You are having the most beautiful experience of becoming a grandmother!
Sending you my best wishes and lots of virtual hugs. Helena

 

Rita, I totally agree that the emotions we are experiencing are truly draining! My heart goes out to you congratulations on the birth of your grandson! And I'm wishing you peaceful days and sending you cyber hugs, and keeping you in my thoughts. Take care always,
Debra

 

Bird and birth is ok too

 

Thank you to all my fellow GW. Sending my wishes for better days to you all, hugs, Rita

 

Gary, I’m glad you had a positive in person grief meeting and feel you’ll continue attending. So sorry to hear you’ve been extra sad the past 2 weeks. But I love reading how you act on these feelings, you went to a grief meeting and met with Laura. I’ve never heard of recovery guilt, but that makes so much sense. What you shared has most definitely helped me. Thank you! I also realized from reading your post that when I’m feeling extra emotional, missing Ron so much I can’t stand it, I’m the total opposite of how you show these feelings. I become quiet and hold things in, where you become verbal. I don’t share that with others, usually not on here either. Reading your post made me realize. Thank you, and we’re always here for you. Robin

 

Good Morning Robin, I totally agree with you! I'm glad to hear that Gary is one of the most positive GW, quite often I read how people here they express their feelings and managed to help us with their support and confort. I realize it's not easy to share on paper the way we feel when you are missing Ron, my Geoff and the other Warriors partners. For me, I have had only this site to talk as I know you, Gary, Rita, Deb, Debra and so many other grieving warriors don't judge, but with so many unpredictable waves of sadness not knowing when it will hit us, the intensity of this grief comes when less expected!! I'm glad that I have at least here some friends that they help me because I don't have anyone else.... I don't know if there are any zoom meetings groups somewhere will be better seeing and talking to anyone that understands grief (maybe my Doctor). Thanks for being here and reading the posts, please take care of yourself, hope you will have a peaceful day!! Helena

 

Good morning, Helena. And thank you so much for referring to me in your post. And I agree that with so many unpredictable waves of sadness not knowing when it will hit us, the intensity of this grief comes when less expected!! One minute I will be doing something like washing the dishes, then I will begin to have thoughts of Keith, and I will break down and start crying, and then feel completely worn out physically and emotionally afterwards!! And my grief counselor has told me that there is no exact time frame in which how long a person grieves, the worst thing I could do is try and suppress my feelings of extreme pain and sadness, so not to try and bottle up my feelings.
And I'm wishing for you to have more peaceful days, and know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts, as well as sending you cyber hugs. Take care always,
Debra

 

Helena, the support and no judgement ever on this site from our new friends is the best medicine. Knowing we’re not alone in how we’re feeling. Knowing if we’re down and have the strength to share on here someone or many will offer love and support. That’s what we miss most. We miss our person and they gave us unconditional love and support. We’re getting that support here. I’ve had so many people, relatives and friends throw judgement at me that I started telling them I’m ok. I shut down to protect myself. My protector is gone, I’m protecting myself from hurt and judgement. Just like each of has to do. I offer support with no problem. It’s sharing my struggles that I have trouble with. Its over 3 years since my life turned into this nightmare. My struggles are less often and less severe. But Ron is always on my mind. Just like Geoff will forever by on your mind and in your thoughts. They do still help us get through things, just in a different way. I’m so very thankful for this site and happy you found GIC or as we’re knows GW. You have so many friends here. We got you!! Fresh air is what helps me the most. I know, some days it’s hard to even move but getting outside helps so much.
I know this is an especially difficult weekend with Easter and all. We’ll get through, for me the day never turns out as bad as my mind thinks it will be.
Sending you love, hugs, and wishing us all peace and to keep working towards better days. ❤️ Robin

 

Debra, thanks for reading an responding to this correspondece and your cyber hugs. I'm so lonely!!! I can't help control this sadness that is invading me all the time, I miss Geoff all the time!! my husband and friend of 50 years! I don't know if I can managed to live with this sadness it's so intense....thanks for listening Debra. Hope that you have a peaceful day. Helena

 

Thanks Robin answering to my call...this help me a lot!! I know there is always someone help me with your support because you know how we feel this constant loneliness no having your beloved parner, family don'd understand. Here I have more support from people that I have never met and now I have here my friends like yourself that always pays attention and knows this grieving journey that we are taking. I'm hoping to get better, I can't stop crying.... Thanks for been here! this help me a lot. I also wish you peace and better days. Helena