Just lost the love of my life

Gary, thank you for saying that I helped you by suggesting Center for Loss. Like
you, I recommended Zuba, as well as
Jonathan Santlofer, to Alex. You always
come through, with your compassion, in
welcoming new members to GIC. Lou

 

Debra, thank you for asking how I am.
Like you, & other GW, I try to live in the
present, and go at my own pace. I have a
new friend, my age, who's been married
almost 50 years. He's retired, like I am,
but plays drums, for fun, 2 days a week,
at our local cafe. Through him, I have
met, & heard, many musicians. One day,
his wife came, & we had a long talk. They
have a great sense of humor, & we have a
good time. Now that it's starting to get
warmer, I'm walking more outside. I'm so
glad you welcomed Alex, who lives in
your state, along with Karen & Nancy. Lou

 

Thanks Debra you are very kind and compassionate person. Today I was able to find a hole in the fence around Mr Grief’s twisted Amusement Park and break free for a temporary break. I’ve felt trapped at home because of the intermittent weather. The weather has a big effect on my mood. I’ve been crafting and reading to occupy myself but I have been overwhelmed with sadness on several occasions. After 11 months from losing my beloved Cheerful Cheryl I can finally say I’m ok with mourning in private. Not public though. I’m glad you and your daughters have found some therapy. I have got a lot of encouragement from my healer. She helps me find value in myself and is very pleasant and easy to talk with. Laura is her name and she referred me to self compassion meditations by Kristin Neff. Debra we will use every tool we have to survive our battle with Mr grief. I knew when you and Helena first joined GIC that you were going to be great warriors. Karen tells us to keep upright and I say stumble forward. We are not alone. Sending you a big virtual hug. Gary

 

You're so welcome, Gary. And thank you so much for your warm reply, and for saying I'm a very kind and compassionate person. And you are a very kind and compassionate person also. And I'm so glad that although you have felt trapped at home because of the intermittent weather, you were able to find a hole in the fence around Mr Grief's twisted Amusement Park and break free for that much needed break!! And I totally understand why the weather has a big effect on your mood, as I feel the same way, especially on hot days! And hopefully your weather will be a lot better soon. And it's great that you have been crafting and reading to occupy yourself. And I'm so sorry that you have been overwhelmed with sadness on several occasions, I know exactly how that feels, and my heart goes out to you. And I also understand why you are now ok with mourning in private, but not in public. And I do feel like taking baby steps, (as my grief counselor put it) is helpful in taking one day at a time... and thank you so much also for being so supportive and saying you're glad that my daughters found some therapy. And it really is a relief to me, because as a mom, it is extremely difficult to watch them struggle on a daily basis with the way too tight of a grasp that Mr. Grief has on them. And I need to do all that I can to help them. And I'm so glad that you have gotten a lot of encouragement from your healer, and that she helps you find value in yourself, and she is pleasant and easy to talk with, that is very important!!
And it's also great that Laura referred you to self compassion meditations with Kristin Neff. And I agree, Gary, we will use every tool we have to survive our battle with Mr. Grief! And thank you so much also for saying that you knew that when Helena and I first joined GIC that we would be great warriors, and you are a great warrior as well as a very caring and supportive, empathetic person. And it is so good that Laura has helped you to see the value in yourself. And although Karen says to keep upright, I feel like stumbling forward is a more accurate description of how we keep going day after day... and it's true that we are not alone. And thank you for your big virtual hug . And I'm sending you a big virtual hug also, as well as keeping you in my thoughts, and hoping you have more peaceful days.
Take care always
Debra

 

Hi Lou
And you're so welcome. And thank you so much for your warm reply. You are so very kind as well as empathetic, and supportive. And I do feel like going at our own pace is important, so as not to overwhelm ourselves. And I'm so glad that you have a new friend that is your age, and it's great that he plays the drums at your local Cafe. And that through him you have met and heard many musicians, that's awesome!! And it's so good that both he and his wife have a great sense of humor, and you have a good time. I do feel like being with friends is very helpful. And it's also so good that now that your weather is warmer, you are walking more outside. And I did want to reach out and welcome Alex, and want her to know that everyone here is so caring and empathetic and supportive of each other, and that I will be here for her anytime she feels she would like to correspond, as I am for everyone else here on GIC. And it would be great if Karen and Nancy and Alex and I could meet up one day... and hopefully you did have a peaceful day today, and I'm hoping you will continue to have more of those kinds of days...
Take care always,
Debra

 

Debra, just woke up at my usual 6am,and
was pleased to see your kind messages from last night, to both Gary & me. I'm so
glad you & your 2 daughters are talking
with a therapist. I can see it in your writing. You seem to be opening up more,
and letting the words flow, in longer posts.
Our good friend, Deb, says that her posts
are so long, that they are "books". I enjoy
them & get a lot out of her kindness ,
wisdom , and humor. Gary and I are
contenders in the "books" department.
We are inspired to share phrases with
TGW. I like Gary's "twisted amusement
park". Perfect. I can see Rod Serling, of
The Twilight Zone, off to the side, talking
about our tragic stories. It would be
wonderful if you . Karen, and Nancy
could get together with our new member,
Alex. Karen said that she's already in
contact with Nancy. We're all "stumbling
forward", as Gary so poignantly says. Lou

 

Gary, just woke up at my usual 6am, and
was happy to see you & Debra on here.
I told her that your "twisted amusement
park" reference is perfect. I can picture
Rod Serling of The Twilight Zone, off to
the side, using that phrase , saying our
names, and telling our tragic stories------
in The Twilight Zone. Your other phrase,
"stumble forward", is also perfect, and I
may have to borrow it from time to time.
Lou

 

Dear Debra, glad to see you back here again. I have missed you!! As you know TGW are the best compassionate, emphathetic family friends that they care for each other without judgement!!, here for me, is the only place that I reach and now TGW is the only group of friends that they pick me up in my worst moments, thanks for Patti, Lou, Deb, Gary, Karen, Bernadine, Rita and many more friends in my list that they REALLY CARE!
I'm glad to learn that you and your girls are talking to a therapist and I'm sure that this will help you and your girls to move forward.
You are in my thoughs, sending my love and peace, take care.
Helena

 

Helena, I agree with every word you said
to Debra. When I woke up this am, I was
pleased & moved to see 5 GW from last
night & early morning. Gary recalled
seeing you & Debra talking with each
other, for the first time. So do I. I love the
way we welcome new members to GIC,
like Alex, like we were welcomed and
comforted here. Lou

 

Good morning, Lou. And thank you so much for your kind reply, and for saying you're so glad I and my daughters' are talking with a therapist, and for pointing out that you can see in my writing that I seem to be opening up more, and letting the words flow in longer posts. One of the things I have learned from my therapist is that it is helpful to share my feelings. And I find Deb's " books" to be filled with kindness, wisdom, and humor as well, as enjoyable also. And I agree that both you and Gary are contenders in the "books" department, and I always enjoy them, and they are also filled with empathy and compassion. And it's great that you are inspired to share phrases with TGW.
And I like Gary's twisted Amusement Park, as well, and I feel like it is perfect also! And one of the rides that comes to mind is the roller coaster, as dealing with Mr. Grief is like being on an emotional roller coaster!! And Rod Serling being off to the side telling our tragic stories in the Twilight Zone is quite a fitting description of how it feels to be battling with Mr. Grief! And it really would be wonderful if Nancy, Karen and I could all get together with our new member, Alex!! And I totally agree that we are all "stumbling forward " as Gary poignantly says. And I'm wishing you and everyone here peaceful sunny days, and keeping you in my thoughts.
Debra

 

Dear, Helena
Thank you for your kindness as well as your warm welcome back. And I have missed you as well!! And I totally agree that TGW are the best compassionate, empathetic family friends, and that they care for each other without judgement!! And I'm so glad that they pick you up in your worst moments, as it is so important to have that empathy, compassion, and support!! They definitely do REALLY CARE! And thank you so very much for saying you're glad to learn that I and my girls are talking to a therapist, and that you're sure that this will help us to move forward. And thankfully, it has definitely helped! And hopefully you have had peaceful days. And thank you so much again for reaching out to me, and for keeping me in your thoughts, as well as for your kindness, empathy, and compassion. And I'm sending you my love and peace as well as cyber hugs. Take care always.
Debra

 

Alex,

I am so very sorry to hear the one true love of your life, your husband, Dave, has recently died. I HATE!!! having to say this because words seem so shallow at times, now being one of them, but I hope you know how truly sorry I am. The other reason I HATE!!! saying this is because it breaks my heart every time I learn that another person is suffering from the very worst kind of pain imaginable... I cry each and every time another person finds us.

I'm so sorry that you had to find us, but so very glad you did. This is a wonderful site, filled with so many caring people... The friends I've made here have become such an important part of my life. I can't begin to imagine having to go through this total heartbreak without them. You've already "met" some of my friends... Lou, Robin, Gary, Rita, Debra (Sorry if I missed anyone, I didn't sleep much last night and I'm only on my second cup of coffee). I call Lou the UPP (Ultimate People Person) because he is the one who helped bring us together in the beginning, making us feel closer to each other by asking for our loved ones' first names, and by referring to us when responding to someone else's message. Later on, Lou came up with the name of our group, TGW (The Grief Warriors). It fits us perfectly!!! TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatement To The Absolute Max!!!) Day after day we're forced to battle Mr. Grief (Karen, another friend came up with this and it's now one way we refer to grief), but always have each other to help pick us up when we stumble and fall along the miserable path we've been forced to take. It is so comforting having the support of so many way beyond wonderful friends!!!, TUTTAM!!!

One day another GW friend, I think it was Patti (Gary referred to her as our spiritual leader. This title fits her perfectly!!!) referred to us as a "family." We are a "family," in the very best of ways... I hope you'll stick around, get to "know" us, and give us the opportunity to get to "know" you. This is a judgement free place. We often give each other advice, but you can take it or leave it. We'll be here for you no matter what, just as a real family would be here for you. This has become my safe place, my place to "visit" whenever I need a virtual hug, a virtual shoulder to lean on, to "talk" about my feelings, to "listen" to others "talk" about this total heartbreak all of us are suffering from. Although it SUCKS!!!, Welcome to TGW Family.

I can't believe I haven't introduced myself yet, lol... Backing way up, my husband, Bob, suffered from many serious health issues, all treated as chronic conditions through the use of many medications. Very briefly, after we moved, in the beginning of 2018, I became his full time caregiver, and remained his full time caregiver right up until the time of his death. He died on April 11, 2021 at 3:45 a.m. So much more I want to tell you, but I didn't get much sleep last night. I think it's going to take more than my usual pot of coffee to give me a much needed energy boost. So stopping here (for now.)

Before I go, I want to tell you from personal experience, after almost a year having lived without Bob, the one true love of my life, my knight in shining armor, life has gotten better, but and this is a really BIG BUT!!!, the path to healing takes lots of time, with zillions of obstacles along it. Mr. Grief still hits hard and often, many times without warning. Anything and everything can, and still is, a trigger for tears. I miss Bob more and more with each passing day. Although I'm getting used to being alone, the loneliness of not having Bob here physically beside me, has gotten worse. I don't want to sugar coat anything, especially not when "talking" to my "family," so I have to say I don't think this kind of loneliness will ever go away, but be with me right up until the moment I'm reunited with Bob. Having said all of this, at about the tenth month anniversary of Bob's death, I began to feel slightly better. As a result of Bob's death, I think I've become a much better person, a much more kind, caring friend. I've grown in so many ways... and finally feel fully capable of navigating the world alone.

I realize some of what I said is probably too much for you to take in, to fully absorb right now, but decided not to delete it. You are going through the most difficult time, most likely still trying to comprehend the fact that Dave is never coming home, you are alone, and missing your "person" with all your heart. I think I read that you're looking for a grief counselor. I hope you find someone who you really like. If not, don't give up, keep looking until you find the person who is the right "fit" for you. I went to an in person bereavement group for a short time and found it helpful. The medical social worker who ran the group told us we should always attend a support group meeting at least twice before deciding if it's a good fit. He said if the first support group isn't a good fit, shop around until you find one that is.

The two books Lou already recommended to you, and recommended to all of us when he first found us, are excellent. I especially like "Permission To Mourn" by Tom Zuba, and since Lou's recommendation, I bought Tom Zuba's second book, "Becoming Radiant." I keep both of these on my night table and refer to them often. If you google Tom Zuba, you can watch some of his videos on YouTube.

I'm so tired..., I really can't think of anything else to add to the excellent advice my friends have already given you.

Please be very gentle with yourself. I pray for strength for all my GIC friends daily, and have added you to my prayers.

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Oh, my God, Deb, I cried all the way
through your eloquent, moving words to
Alex. For some reason, I woke up from a
lot of strange dreams about both people I
know and people I don't. I'm tired, and
sad, but I refuse to give into it. It's cloudy,
but not raining, so I'm going to walk
outside & see some friends. That usually
gives me a lift. You have come a long way
since I first met you. I was a PITA ( pain in
the ass!) and asked the name of your
husband. I recall that you were reluctant
at first, but now you're glad you did. We
can talk about our love for Bob and for
Linda, and even tell funny stories about
them. I'm so glad you have the Zuba books
by your bed. I have Jonathan's book, and
occasionally read the lighter chapters. Let's
hope & pray for a good day for both of us
today. Lou

 

Thanks older brother Lou for the extreme LMSO(laugh my sad off) in regards to camparing the Twilight Zone to Mr. Griefs twisted Amusement Park! Gary

 

Deb, A very beautiful heartfelt response....made me tearful, but smiled too...I thank the Lord everyday for all of us here and the support we provide for each other...I can't imagine where I would be without GIC TGW. This is a close example....
Hugs, comfort, love, prayers, Rita

 

Rita, I hope you have been having peaceful days. And I'm so grateful to have found GIC TGW as well! It is so good that we are so supportive of one another! And know that you are in my thoughts....
Take care always,
Debra

 

Gary, I KNEW you'd like the Rod Serling
image! As I just told Rita, I'm being
brave today, listening to a singer singing
love songs in a local cafe. The first time
I was here, I cried. Today, I didn't. In fact,
I requested a song by Bob Seger: Turn the
Page. Both the singer & I smiled. Lou

 

Thank you Lou for the referrals on books. I will look for them. Have little energy to do anything but trying.