Its OK to not Be OK

Lou, I’m so sorry how you received Linda’s last words. Your story makes me cry each time I read it. I was told that during the drive to the hospital they kept asking Ron his name. He didn’t know. Some of these things I’m sharing I haven’t shared with anyone except my children. It’s just so hard. I feel sick knowing he was in such a bad way. I’m glad I wasn’t in the ambulance when this happened but part of me feels I should have been. I don’t think I could have gotten in anyway. It’s high and getting in my suv is difficult for me. So many tears today. But it’s good to get these things out. I know Rons watching over me and that brings peace. Lou I’m glad you ran into Alice, I think she’s an angel not just a nurse. So caring and also became a friend. I agree we shouldn’t dwell on the darkest moments. That only brings more pain. I didn’t know when Ron yelled “I love you Robin” that would be pretty much his last words. The evening started with homemade soup and watching a movie while our kids watched the same movie in their homes. Never in a million years did I think it would end so devastating. So final. Rons birthday and our anniversary are the dates that mean the most to me.
Thank you for sharing Lou. Robin

 

Thank you, my dear Robin. As I just told
Gary, I'm in a cafe, having listened to a
singer sing love songs. Last time I saw &
heard him, I cried at his sadder songs.
Today, I actually requested one, and felt
happy, like I used to, both before Linda,
and with her, at live concerts. Not much
to add. I've been on GIC a lot , early this
morning and just now, so it's time for me
to take a walk........ Lou

 

Thank you Gary for thinking our stories are beautiful. And for sharing your last evening with Cheryl. And I’ll add that Ron and I watched Gunsmoke from time to time. Your story. Lou’s story all our stories are different but they have something in common. You can feel the love. In how it’s written and the story itself. Cheryl jumped up to work on your zipper right then. That’s something I would do. How wonderful that you had that last embrace. That’s what you need to picture in your mind. That special last hug. That dinner you made and how you did the dishes. Priceless. I can’t even imagine being the first responder as you put it. I agree that the dove was a sign from Cheryl. And so many more signs that you get regularly. I’m happy to see others receive signs and believe in them. There was a time on here that people weren’t believers in receiving signs from our soul mates. There is most definitely a bond with all of us that comes from sharing our inner most thoughts.
thank you Gary for sharing. I cried as I read your story and had goose bumps. I’m grateful as well for each of us snd how we care for one another. I need to actually do something so I’m walking away from GIC/TGW for now. Robin

 

Robin, you & me both. Have to tear myself
away from the emotional world of GIC. I
feel like Michael Corleone ( Al Pacino) in
The Godfather , Part III, when he says,
"Just when I thought I was out, they pull
me back in!!"......

 

OMG Robin, Lou, Gary, brings back so many memories, makes me cry.....I have to get going and pull myself together for the leg xray visit....Hugs and love to you, again; I wish you comfort and peace and am so happy every time I hear of a small amount of joy and sunshine you are able to experience.....Rita

 

Thank you, Rita, I turned a cry fest into
joy, when I went to my local cafe to
hear live music. I brought my phone, so
I could "talk" with my friends on GIC,
while sitting at a table , listening to the
music. My fantasy was that TGW were
with me at that table. Good luck this
afternoon, Rita. Lou

 

Thank you Rita, good luck to you with the X-rays. There’s a whole community of people here praying for you. Robin

 

Lou, Thanks for the chuckle. Needed that. hopd you made it back back home. If you’re getting the rain I’m getting. The map shows it heading your way.
Run Forest run!

 

I’m glad you got out and could enjoy the music. Today had been a busy GIC day. Spending the day with friends. Good way to spend the day at home or out like you were able to do. Robin

 

Robin, that's funny about Forest. I like
trading movie lines with you. Home now.
We do expect rain overnight, but it
should clear for Fri morning here. Hope it
does for you, too. Lou

 

Thank you Robin for your kind words. I felt very sad when I heard how the emt acted during Ron’s rescue. I’m glad you got to go to the beach with your daughter on her birthday. and that she helped you repair the fence to keep Teddy safe. Interesting that you and Ron enjoyed Gunsmoke also. That was Cheryl and my go to show during the covid lockdown. It’s odd that I remember the last show we watched together. It was about a hired gunman that came to Dodge to kill someone. When the gunman found out who he was supposed to shoot, it was a woman he was attracted to before. Oddly he was going to shoot her any way but Matt shot him first. I haven’t watched any Gunsmoke since. I’m glad you’re open to talking about feeling Ron’s presence with you. Not many people are in tune with their surroundings. Or they aren’t open minded enough to look for signs. We all have so much in common. Gary

 

Rita I hope you got good results on your x-ray. I’ve had two meniscus repairs and one knee replacement. I recommend physical therapy and ice. CoolPac is the name of a large ice pack you can get at Amazon for $35. Roll it up and keep it in the freezer. I liked the jigsaw puzzles games. I did the Swiss village and bunch of flowers. Did you ever check out staying sharp games on aarp.org? They have over 30 different games from math wordsmith split words memory and more games. Very challenging. Gary

 

Rita I hope everything went OK with the X-Rays. Your have been in our thoughts!
My heart goes to Robin, Gary and all TGW that remember your loved ones last moments before left this world...., all the memories, the last words, it is too painful, I can't help but cry!!!.... your pain is also mine. It comes in waves going high and coming down crashing so hard that we don't know how to get up.

Every day I hope will be a better day, but for me it's like one step forward and two steps back, I don't accomplish anything, I'm afraid to get depress to the point that will be difficult to care about anything. I have the TV on the whole day just for background noise, I'm not watching anything.

I'm reading a book "The Grieving Brain" it says that when a loved one dies, the brain sees a representation of our loved one are coded in our neurons, the process of grieving is not just about psychological or metaphorical change. Grieving requires neural rewiring as well. As far I can see Mr. GRIEF IS OUR BRAIN!

Wishing you a good night sleep, sending you

 

Sending you love and peace.
Helena

 

TGWs, thank all of you for the good wishes, results showed no broken bones, but osteoarthritis and fluid. So not too bad! Hugs, Rita

 

I'm glad no broken bones, only a little fluid. Take care of yourself. Hugs, Helena

 

Helena, I also keep the TV on almost 24/7 just for the noise, have only been able to sleep in my bedroom twice. I much prefer right now just falling asleep on the sofa. I feel uncomfortable almost everywhere in the house except here in the family room....trying to slowly get used to sleeping by myself in our room. Have made changes there, but guess I'll have to ween myself back slowly. Just keep taking thar step forward. It is the same for me. Maybe soon we won't be taking 2 steps back. I think grieving is like that. Maybe that's to keep us from truly falling completely apart. We are here Helena. When you take the two steps back, you are not alone, believe me.

Try to look for uplifting, even funny things to read. Do anything that you feel could remotely help, anything that might bring a smile to your face. Sometimes I read funny quotes, or do an online jigsaw puzzle, buy an adult coloring book (there are some beautiful ones out there). I know it's easy to say "who cares, I don't feel like doing anything", I do that too. BUT remember we care, you are important to us and help to make us all feel better here on GIC.

Please don't give up, MR GRIEF and sadness do not deserve to win and take over our lives completely. We have the right to cry and be sad and grieve, but NOT ALL THE TIME. We have to have moments of joy for our own health and to survive. Our loved ones would want nothing less than to see us happy because they know we love them with all our hearts and they love us. If I had been the one to leave this world first, it would break my heart to see the love of my life giving up and embracing grief and sadness for the rest of his life. No, that's not what its all about....yes grieve, yes cry, yes be sad, but not forever. That's one thing that GIC has shown me so far...and with God's help and all the other grief warriors for support, we are going to make it.

Time for me to stop rambling on...I am quite tired right now. Please have a good night, Helena and hopefully a better day tomorrow....wishing you comfort, strength, peace and sunshine everyday, Rita

 

Thank you so much, Rita. It gave me a lift
& a smile to see your cute little bear. Tom
Zuba said we should try to embrace the
light . Frank Sinatra, in his sad , lonely
ballad, Cycles, acknowledges that "Life is
meant for livin'". Lou

 

Rita, thanks so much, you are always so nice! Your warm and uplifting words are so comforting in this grieving journey for me and your friends in GIC. You are right! I won't let Mr Grief visiting over and over again, I will look for games or puzzles to play, something to keep my mind busy.

I also sleep in the sofa in the family room, the bedroom is big and empty, I probably go back after Spring ends.
Tomorrow I will look for my drawing tools and try to start again with my pastime, I stopped drawing when Geoff got ill, I was his caregiver since 2017, I used to draw with pen and ink and I did enjoyed!! thanks Rita, since I read your reply I feel much better.... You are a good friend!
Also sending your way many hugs and best wishes for a good night Helena

 

Thank you too Gary, When I relive those moments on how Ron was treated I’m not even sure which emotion I feel. Angry, sad, both I guess.
I’m so lucky to have my daughter. I wish everyone had what I have with her. She helps me through everything. And I wanted her to have a special birthday. Especially after all her help with putting the fence up. We enjoyed nature as best we could with spotty rain and cold. And it was so welcoming.
Just like you recall which episode you of gunsmoke you were watching I recall the whole day and how we spent it starting early in the morning. But I can’t remember what I had for dinner 2 nights ago. It feels important. I’m very open to talking about the signs I get. I want everyone to be open to it. It’s such a wonderful feeling and brings such peace. I want everyone to know what this feels like. If something happens and you can’t come up with an explanation as to why it happened. Consider it could be your loved one sending a message. I know you get signs Gary and I love that. I know you welcome them. We all do have so much in common. Robin