Its OK to not Be OK

That is so cool! That my post was helpful and that you did in fact put up a fence! I am proud of you. I know I haven't been on here as much lately because I feel so horrible. Need to learn how to ignore the horrible again. I did laundry today. It was so hard to get moving but I did it. Everything makes me think of Valerie! I miss her!

 

Thanks for the cool post. I feel like such a useless freak cuz I don't want to do ANYTHING! Showering even is a chore. We are not alone in just wanting to shut away inside! IT is so true not wanting anyone to speak to you! I can't handle the "Normies" (people not dealing with extreme traumatic grief) these days often. I really appreciate your honest take on everyday life! Much Love!

 

George, when you saw Valerie's notebook,
Mr. Grief cruelly sucker punched you. All
TGW know this horrible feeling. Deb & I
talked about the old TV show, Candid
Camera, where the TV crew would come to
you when "you least expect it". That show
was played for laughs. Mr. Grief's attacks
on us are sinister and unexpected. Lou

 

Yes Yes and more yes! I didn't need to see that. I used to like entertainment. Now it either upsets or bores me. I might still zing out another one-liner but I have no interest in laughing with comedy and whimsy. It goes along with not knowing myself real good right now. It makes m,e realize I still need to go through totes and get rid of stuff as awful as that sounds!

hat

 

George, when we are experiencing this kind of loss, every little thing that reminds us of the love we lost sends us back down in the grief hole again.....it is then that I really need GIC and all of you to help me climb out again, even if its for just a while, just to get a bit further down the road.... I know words are sometimes useless. but know that we are here.....sending hugs, wishes for comfort, peace, sunshine, and a bit of happiness each day, Rita

 

Thank you Rita. GIC and my friends here are really helping me today! Much love, George

 

Thank you Lou, we definitely have a connection. Our losses happened within days of each other. We’re going through this together as we work towards better days. My heart breaks for Linda, I can’t even imagine how it would feel as a child of only 12 to lose her younger sibling. I’m sure that affected her the rest of her life. I can tell by the things you share that Linda was a very good loving wife. She wanted to be sure you would take care of yourself and try to be happy. Ron, although he wasn’t sick, had also told me if something happened to him I shouldn’t waste time mourning him. He told me to live life, enjoy life and said if he’s gone he’d watch over me and be there waiting for me when it’s my time. And I believe he will be waiting for me. I miss my life with Ron more then words can even express. As I know you miss your life with Linda. We found each other here on GIC for a reason. I know Ron is watching over me and happy I have so many people offering me support. Robin

 

Thank you George, your post was what I needed. And yes, my daughter and I did in fact put up 3, 8’ sections. Ron would be proud too, he wouldn’t like that I’m doing these things though. I was with Ron when he put up 6 sections. Spending all our time together is paying off. I’ve learned so much from Ron, my daughter did too. I’m happy to hear did laundry and you’re moving even though you really don’t want to. When you find that perfect someone as you did with Valerie, it’s even the tiniest of things to make you think of them and miss them. No one could even imagine how hard it is losing your soul mate. Our minds can’t even go there, that’s how devastating it is. It’s paralyzing.

 

Robin, when I woke up this morning, at
6am, I was moved to see posts & replies
from 5 GW from last night and early this
am. You are right that we have a special
connection bc our soulmates died at about
the same time. When you talked about
Linda being a "very good loving wife",
who had a rough childhood, I cried. It
doesn't take much to make me cry, almost
3 & a half years after Linda's death. She
still visits me in my dreams, and I call out
to her, with tears in my eyes. Both Ron &
Linda were special, bc they wanted us to
be happy no matter what happened to
them. Easier said than done some days.
I liked Gary's phrase, "stumble forward".
I hope that with spring & then, summer,
coming on, we will walk, smiling, in the
fresh air and sunshine, with less
stumbling, literally & figuratively. Lou

 

Lou I cry at the drop of a hat too. My accountant called me last week. We used him for our business and Ron and Rich (accountant) became friends. But I haven’t heard from him much. He actually asked how I’m doing. It made me cry. No one asks any more. And he told me he misses talking with Ron. I loved hearing that. Was a nice conversation, so glad he called. And he doesn’t charge me for doing my taxes, so nice of him. I’m glad that Linda visits you in your dreams but sorry it makes you cry. I understand, and know it’s so hard. Ron is in my dreams too, they usually don’t make me cry. I wake up like Ron was here and caring for me in real life.
Easier said then done, is so right. I told Ron that during those conversations. He even told me not to waste money on funerals and visitations. I looked him square in the eye and said when the time comes I would do my best but I will need closure. He understood and he just wants me to be ok. I told him I’d never be ok without him. He was such a wonderful care giver. He came from a home that was not loving or caring towards him or his brother, who if you recall passed from the same brain cancer that took your wonderful Linda. All the care and love went to Ron’s sister. It was so blatant how she was the favorite. It makes me sad still as I think of it. He learned about family love from my family. My parents treated him like a son and Ron would do anything for them.
Anyway, praying that spring comes at some point. Getting tired of waiting. More rain coming today. Last weekend was my daughters birthday and on one of the days we went to a town on the waters edge to go in the shops and restaurants and watch the boats come and go. Was so nice but so cold we didn’t last long.
Fresh air and sunshine and less stumbling What a beautiful picture that is. Some day soon hopefully.
Robin

 

Dear Robin, thank you so much for your
warm reply just now. Slow start this am.
I answered all the posts from last night,
while drinking coffee.Soglad you were
able to go to a town by the water, for
your daughter's birthday. I've always
been drawn to a body of water. If I
couldn't have my favorite, the ocean-----
a river, lake, pond , or waterfall, would
bring me peace. I hate to correct you on
one thing. Linda had breast cancer. She
went into a rehab wing of a nursing home
for PT, to help her walk . She had a
sharp pain in her back, which required
pain medicine. I always had to run to
the nurse on duty to get more. but most
nurses were afraid Linda would become
addicted. Absurd. Linda had diabetes.
When we lived in our apartment, before
she had to go to the hospital, for both a
lump in one breast, and excruciating
pain in her back, she was sedentary, and
didn't want to use her cane, and then,
walker, to walk outside. Her only
pleasure was watching series & movies.
I believe that her sitting, instead of
walking, and later, lying in the beds at
the hospital & nursing home, reluctantly
doing physical therapy, led to her
pulmonary embolism, which was her
cause of death. As you know. it took a
year of therapy to get that last image of
her collapse , right in front of me, out of
my head. Once in a while, that image
casts a dark cloud on me, but I shake it
off, & walk outside in nature. Hope you
can too. Lou

 

Lou my sincere apologies. Mind isn’t working today I guess. It was Bills wife who had brain cancer. Bill isn’t on GIC any more. He’s having health issues if his own. I’m so very sorry I made that mistake. I do know it was t cancer. Please accept my apology. I’ll write more later. I’m making breakfast and read your post and I felt awful. ❤️ Robin

 

Robin, no need to apologize. As our close
friend, Deb, says, we should be forgiven
for our "foggy" widowed brains. You've
been on GIC, helping people longer than I
have, so it's only natural that you can't
remember everything. I always ask a new
member for his , or her name, and that of
the spouse, or soulmate. Then, I write
these names down. I also read the
"info" section to find out where the
person lives, age, interests, or hobbies.
What a person died from doesn't
interest me as much as what that person's
life was like. No one on GIC has to be
sorry about anything. We are all
struggling Grief Warriors who love each
other. Lou

 

Thank you Lou, As soon as I read your reply I knew it was Bills wife. You’d like Bill such a nice man. He’s 87 and not doing well right now. I need to reach out to him. He considers ted and I and my daughter and her puppy his family.
My favorite body of water is the ocean too. I live on an island so I have water everywhere. The great South Bay is down my street. For my daughters birthday we went north I’m not sure which bay that is. Possibly Gardeners Bay I have the ocean, bays and the sound just to name a few. I couldn’t bare not being by the water. So peaceful! I’ve had boats all my life until maybe 10-12 years ago. I miss it. They get expensive though.
I know that dark cloud you mention I totally understand. I didn’t have an experience like that. My dark cloud is when the EMT’s had Ron in the driveway waiting to get wheeled into the ambulance and I saw him get much worse and his arms involuntarily went into his chest. I started yelling at them that he’s getting worse why aren’t you helping him. I was told yes he is getting worse, they needed him in the ambulance to help him and this red pick up was in the way. Are you kidding me?! And I said that to them. And then I said back the ambulance up a couple feet. My neighbor later told me that he was watching from the street and was ready to come over and punch that EMT. Of coarse he didn't thankfully. But it helped me realize that I wasn’t wrong on how Ron was treated. Right before Ron got worse, as you know he yelled very loud, “ I love you Robin” many times. That’s what I do my best to keep in my mind. Such a gift. And yes, shaking off those dark thoughts or clouds, nature to the rescue. Nature is so healing. Right now I’m trying to wrap my mind around another holiday without Ron. And praying for some warmth and sunny days.
Thank you for the love and realizing I was suffering from foggy brain. Robin

 

Robin, just cried AGAIN when you said
Ron yelled, "I love you, Robin" many
times. When Linda collapsed on the side
of her bed, in a twisted way, with her
head almost touching the floor, I asked
if she needed help. She said, "I can't
talk now. Get a cold cloth for my head.
Push the button ". Those were the last
words spoken to me. The nurse wasn't at
her station. I ran down the hallway,
screaming frantically for help. Several
nurses ran to Linda's room, The last I saw
of her, she was sitting on the floor, and
her favorite nurse said that was good.
I knew in my gut that it was over. I
sobbed uncontrollably in the front hall,
with a PT, with her hand on my shoulder.
Linda's favorite nurse came over to me,&
said Linda had no pulse, but the rescue
squad was trying to revive her in the
ambulance on the way to the ER. She
was dead on arrival. The next day, I
called the nurse to ask if Linda had any
last words. The nurse said the nurses
had put Linda in her wheelchair & asked
if she wanted a pillow, and she said yes.
Then, the nurse, Alice called Linda's name,
but she didn't answer, and her lips turned
blue & that was near the end. I'm glad I
didn't see that. Alice was devastated, bc
she was about the same age as Linda, 68,
and they had become friends. I ran into
Alice at an outdoor bar, and we hugged
each other. I'm grateful that Linda knew I
was there for her, & that she could talk to
me. But, I try very hard not to dwell on
that sad moment. As I said to Deb, I
would rather remember Linda's birth
date than death date. Her birth date comes
up often on my watch, and it makes me
smile that her spirit is with me. Lou

 

Dear Robin and Lou, I am so very very sorry....cry so often too! SUCKS!!! So much pain in your posts, all I can do is send hugs, love, prayers and wishes for comfort and peace. At times, all the words seem so empty when trying to express how much me feel for another's grief, but know we are here to listen. Rita

 

Rita, decided to be brave today & listen
to a singer at the local cafe. It was a risk,
bc the last time I saw him, I cried at his
love songs. Today was a completely
different story. I made a request: Turn
the Page, by Bob Seger. Even said hello
to his mother ( older than I am),who was
beaming with pride. I had to confront my
fear, & embrace life, and it felt good. Lou

 

Thank you Lou and Robin for your beautiful stories of Linda and Ron. They made me think of my last evening with Cheryl. Cheryl worked at the antique mall that day and I had supper ready when she got home. We watched the news and an hour of gunsmoke. I went to bed early because I had just returned from Michigan after doing a strenuous project. Before I went to bed I asked Cheryl if she could look at a defective zipper on my favorite camouflage jacket. Cheryl jumped up from her seat to immediately fix it. I said thank you but this can wait. We hugged and I went to my bedroom upstairs. I was very tired. About 15 minutes later I heard Cheryl coming up to show me she had fixed the zipper. Cheryl was proud of the job she had done. I was very tired but I got out of bed and gave Cheryl a big hug. That was the last time I saw her alive until the following morning when I became Cheryl’s first responder. I am so glad I made supper and did the dishes and got out of bed to give my beloved Cheerful Cheryl our last hug. A mourning dove cooed loudly around my window for several days after Cheryl passed. I even got a photo of it on the window sill. There was a dove on the picnic table looking into the kitchen window yesterday. Down the road one half mile there have been 3 different raptors sitting on a telephone pole looking at me. Then they fly 2-3 poles further down and turn and watch me pass. There is no doubt in my mind about Cheryl’s non physical presence being near me. I can feel Cheryl encouraging me to keep going and don’t shrink back. I know all of our spouses are doing this for us too. Courage compassion and connection is what we practice as Grief Warriors. We have enough courage and compassion to share our stories with each other in our darkest moments. By this sharing we form a connection that binds us together with a feeling of love and belonging that sustains us. We have a true brotherhood and sisterhood that is priceless. I’m grateful for everyone here. Gary

 

Gary, I'm still at the cafe. The singer left,
but there's still music in the sound system.
I can't seem to move. Just when I'm
about to leave, I see another message from
a GW, like you, and feel compelled to
respond. Your story of your last moments
with Cheryl, on her last physical day on
earth, was truly heartbreaking, The fact
that you were the 1st responder is chilling,
and most certainly gave you PTSD, like I
had. Your stories of signs from Cheryl,
in nature, are very touching. My signs are
different. I purposely used her birth
date for passwords, so that whenever I
see them, it reminds me that Linda's spirit
is with me, and it makes me smile. Lou