Its OK to not Be OK

Chad I agree. It's been 1 yr and 5 months for me and I'm still not okay, sorry to say, but a little better.

 

Maggie Joy is so beautiful and I know she brings much joy to your life even with all the dirt (smile)...I wouldn't hesitiate to hug her either, dirt and all. She brings joy here with your stories and pictures....keep them coming, hugs and best wishes, Rita

 

George,

I'm glad you finally ditched that stomach thing and are feeling better physically, but so sorry you're feeling so sad... Wrapping you in a GIANT virtual hug...

I hope Mother Nature decides to be kinder to you ASAP!!! I agree, days without sunshine intensify feelings of sadness. It SUCKS!!! All of this SUCKS!!!, TUTTAM!!!

No advice, no words of wisdom, just want you to know I'm here to "listen..." and will always be here to "listen," as all of us continue our daily battles with Mr. Grief.

Sending you zillions more hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hey, younger brother! Don't want to
sound like a Pollyanna, but signs of
spring are finally here: high 40s & sun
now, which seems balmy after a SUCK
long winter.Being sick with COVID over
Christmas, New Year's, and beyond,
made me bitter, on top of the ongoing
battles with Mr. Grief. Just as I started to
feel better, we were hit with snowstorms,
so I couldn't walk outside. A VNA nurse &
PT helped me do leg exercises, bc I was
unsteady on my feet. I was also cold &
wore many layers of sweatshirts, sweatpants, even a hat----- INDOORS.
Needless to say, the electric heat bill was
astronomical. When I was finally able to
walk outside in the sunshine, the VNA
nurse discharged me. I had felt like a
bitter, sick, old widower. When I saw my
1st robin & flower buds, emerging from the
soil, I started to feel myself again. I still
miss Linda every day, sometimes dream
about her, & cry, but I don't have all the
other crap with which to deal. For that,
I'm grateful to God. As much as I ache
for Linda, I know that with her illness,
& being in a rehab/ nursing home, that
she would've been doomed with COVID,
& I wouldn't have been able to visit her.
I wish for you an early spring, George.
Lou

 

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the no advise or wisdom. I think we all know what's gioingh on with grief and platitudes are just tiresome. I am trying anf flowing into a new life plan. It is precarious! Loves ya DEB!

 

George, what's not to love about our wise
& kind "The Deb"?! I wrote to you on Mon,
that I hope spring will be a lot kinder to
us than winter was. I also said that though
I ache for Linda every day, I'm glad she
didn't have to live through the added
hell of COVID. I was with her at the end.
As horrible as that was, it would've been
worse if she had lingered in pain, in
the rehab wing of the nursing home,
during COVID, & I wasn't allowed to
see her.My heart goes out to members of
GIC, whose spouses died from COVID,
& they couldn't be there with them. Lou

 

I'm just saying, "GOOD MORNING" to everyone. Let's hope for a good day.

 

I agree, my old friend ( as in I've known
you for a while)---not OLD! Because, as
Robert Frost said, " I have miles to go
before I sleep ....." Lou

 

LOu! I can't even image the inhuman torture of their dying alon! I had three sessions with a counselor and I am hopeful. The last 8-10 weeks have probably been the worst for me so far with grief. Just after the one year mark. I am really trying to focus on self-improvement and it is hard as hell. I thought I was doing bad last year. This year truly sucks. I accept she is dead and I have no longer a best friend. I accept the pain and trauma I witnessed. I know she is not there to talk to and give advise. I need to accept that I am a different person than 2 years ago. Just who am I... That's the unknown and confusing part. I know I must fight my FEARS and move on. Clear my mind of all the pointless and unhelpful garbage and be STRONG. I keep trying! Best to you Kool Lou!!!

 

George, I’ve been MIA on here for a while again. Nothing to report except I’m letting The Winter that Never Ends get to me! I just can’t deal any more. This is not like me. But I just read your post and see how hard you’re trying and pushing yourself. I’m happy to hear you think the counselor is helping and giving you hope. I agree with your statement, who am I? Who exactly are we without our best friend at our side offering help and talking things through with. As I’ve stated before. I’m a shell of who I was 3 years ago. That person is gone. I’ve aged more then I could imagine, I don’t look, feel or act like the person I was. I want me back. You’re an inspiration whether you realize it or not. Keep on working towards better days as we all should. ❤️ Robin

 

I guess I ;m determined! I thought I might heave been becoming more "normal" feeling better that at the end of Feb Wham! Most devastating crash ever. Been really trying to focus on what I can do instead of what I should've done or could do or What Will Happen! (never good!)... From the book I'm trying to read it is OK that you are not OK. You have suffered a severe life changing trauma. The key is to accept this. Know you are in for many horrible hours but also know some won't be as bad. I have had the worst foggy brain yet and lack of confidence. Everything I try to do comes out incompetent. This is all normal. It just sux so much!
AS for this endless winter. Chicago is so locked into this spring version of a polar air mass. So much cold rain and wet! Hoping warmer weather will help us! Lottas Love, George!

 

Robin, I read George's post and your response to him. He is an inspiration to all of us whether he realizes it or not.
What you are describing about yourself describe me. I've aged too. I get up every day wear the same clothes, sweats and a t-shirt every day. Then I say to myself time to do laundry, then bring out a fresh pair of sweats and shirt for the week. Time to go out to the store, thank goodness for hats. My bones are sticking out due to no appetite. I think a very small part of ourselves is back, and the rest went with our soulmates, don't you think so. I believe there is some part of who we are left. Just have to find it. The shell needs to be reborn.
I just tolerate each day. None of this is encouraging and I'm not sure I should respond to this post. But, now it's time to put on my hat and sunglasses and hope no one speaks to me in the grocery store. Karen

 

George, Yhank you SO much for this response. Your reply was exactly what I needed. Made me cry. I know so many on here are struggling with the never ending winter, but your answer hit home for me. I so very desperately need nature and fresh air. So tired of being stuck inside tired of the cold rain that never ends. The ground is soggy and gross. One day a week and half ago we had kind of ok weather. I was having someone’s large dog get into my fenced in area. I can’t have that dog where Teddy goes. My daughter and I used the fence pieces Ron had already bought but never got to finish and we put 3 pieces up. It rained on us and turned very cold as we finished. But I felt alive and so proud of what we accomplished. That’s the last day I spent any time outside. And I miss it so much. I’m glad you’re working on changing how you think and process. And the book states it perfectly, this is a life changing trauma. I agree that when you try so hard and the outcome is not great it only adds to everything else. But yes it’s normal. I have and still struggle with survivors guilt. I’m doing better with that but it’s difficult. I’m confident that sunny warmer days will help us all. My heat is still running like it’s January and I’m picturing dollar bills being burned. This isn’t normal. Thank you again for the love and your post that was exactly what I needed.
Praying for spring weather for us all. Fresh air is so healing but we can’t get any. Robin

 

Karen, Yes! I’m there with you 100%. I’m so glad you responded. Thank you! I’ve stayed away from GIC because I’m just not feeling I can put into words what or how I’m feeling. And a huge YES to your statement that so much of who we are went with our soulmates. Because I don’t think any of us on GIC were 2 people. We were as one, so connected. I’ve stopped wearing makeup pretty much all together since Ron passed. My clothes are jeans and heavy warm sweaters. But yeah pretty much the same thing each day. Some days I can’t even make myself go to the store. My house doesn’t feel like our home but it is my safe place. And I don’t go in the local store. I don’t want to see people that know me. No asks how I am any more anyway. But I’m more comfortable going in stores further away. I’m glad you decided to respond. I needed to know I’m not alone in these feelings. We’ll get past it and move forward at what is such a slow pace. But continue on and have each other’s back. Good luck at the store. I’m staying in where it’s warm and dry. Robin

 

You're amazing, George. I'm proud to call
you my brother. That's what Jonathan
Santlofer emailed me when I thanked him
for his book & said that he was like a
brother I never had. I know that you will
benefit from talking with a grief counselor.
My counselor was very kind & patient with
me, &didn't mind when I repeated myself,
used the F-bombs, or sobbed. The best
thing she did, was to suggest the wonderful
GIC site. Now, I have at least THREE
brothers I can count on: Gary, Chad, and
you. Lou

 

Lou, Too bad!, you forgot your sisters....

 

Robin, recently, I complimented Deb, as
being "my other soulmate". I can say that
about you, too. I know that Linda would
have loved all the bright, funny, & kind
widows and widowers on GIC. Linda had a
hard life, since she was a little girl. I choke
up as I write this. When her innocent
younger brother died at 10, when Linda
was only 12, she was forced to become
the ultimate Grief Warrior at a young age.
Not much to add, except she made me
promise to try to be healthy & even happy
if anything happened to her. She was very
bright, with a sixth sense, and I think
she knew that no matter how hard she tried to "fight" against death, death would
have the upper hand. Lou

 

Oh, no, I'm sorry, Helena, I love all my
sisters, including you! Lou

 

I keep trying Lou!
Just now ... putting away laundry; I see Valerie's cute little Robot notebook and it just crushed me inside.