I miss her so much

George,

I "get" it...!!! It SUXS!!! BIG TIME!!!, TU!!! I still have those way too often flashbacks, images from the last 24 hours of Bob's life... I can't erase the image of him, gone..., wrapped in white..., the tube still down his throat... How cold it was in that room... How I couldn't stop hugging him... I couldn't let go. How when I was finally able to say goodbye for the last time..., leave that room..., leave him forever..., I was forced back inside to wait for the social worker who made me sign garbage, and gave me the standard, "I'm so sorry.... speech, if there is anything I can do speech...," so impersonal..., COLD. The would you like someone to walk you to your car speech..." so NOT wanted!!!, TU!!!

Then there are those wonderful memories... flashbacks from our first date..., our first weekend getaway..., the cruise vacations we went on with our friends..., the vacations we took alone..., those spur of the moment day trips, never knowing where we might end up, those wonderful, over the top romantic dinners..., at our favorite restaurant..., eating outside on the deck..., super close to the water..., so many beautiful memories.... All of them mixed in between the saddest, worst memories... My brain is constantly working over time. It SUXS!!! BIG TIME, TU!!!

Grieving SUX!!! BIG TIME!!!, TU!!! I "get" it, but wish so much neither one of us had to "get" it, that none of us had to "get" it!!! Chrome book just beat it's record for slo mo mode. Too frustrating. Stopping here. Besides, I'm way too much the picture of doom and gloom today.

Wishing better days ahead for all of us...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Patti,

My chrome book has hit what I think might be it's record for slow mo mode. So much I want to say to you..., but it's too frustrating trying to "talk" when it seems to take forever to type a letter, forget about a word, an entire sentence.

I am so sorry to hear that you had to endure three biopsies last Thursday, and now need another round of surgery... My heart goes out to you... I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this is, especially without Jack by your side. I believe that "GOD IS ALWAYS MY STRENGTH" too. HE will help you get through this... You are always included in my daily prayers, but I'm going to say extra prayers for you... I know all TGW will be praying for you... I know all of our prayers are being heard. I've said this before, but to repeat myself, I know I can safely speak for all TGW, when I say that we love you..., We will keep those extra prayers going...

I wish I lived closer to you so I could be there for you, run errands, bring you meals, groceries, walk JayCee, take you to follow up appointments, etc... It's frustrating because we live in the same state, but where you are is just too long of a drive, especially in the winter, when the days are shorter and I have absolutely no night vision, so I avoid driving once it gets dark.

Please continue to take the very best care of yourself you possibly can.

Sending zillions of hugs to you and JayCee, lots and lots of love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Patti, I'm praying for you next week, hoping everything goes well.

I used to live in Pasadena and went to several Rose Parades with our daughter. It did bring back memories watching it today. Then we moved to Northern Calif to get out of the smog, I will never go back to LA.

"GOD IS ALWAYS MY STRENGTH". Faith, Hope and Love, God Speed, Karen

 

Watching the crazy snow swirl over the parking lot from my bedroom window. reading about grief. It all seems so weird! To me! WTF happened to me!

 

Thank you for the hugs, and back to you!
Last night wasn’t as hard as I thought it might be, fireworks were going off all over the neighborhood and it gave me a sense of community somehow. I’m also glad we’ve met and yep, the circumstances of it Suck.
(… we drop in and out as emotions and life allow, I didn’t feel left out <3 ) ~B

 

Yes so much fireWerks in sleep addled state! So surreal really!

 

Deb, I don't think I said I'm glad you're back. Hope your trip with your son was eventful and you had many fresh mental days. Happy New Year to you. K

 

Chad, your BIGELOW Cozy Camomile
picture is great. I love BIGELOW Teas (I told Robin & Deb, that I should do an ad
for them): Green Tea with Pomegranate,
with caffeine, in the morning, Red Raspberry Herbal Tea, mid afternoon ,
& evening, and finally. Sweet Dreams
Herbal Tea, with chamomile & soothing
mint, for bedtime. As many of my well
wishing friends here know, I've been sick
with what I'm sure is Omicron. Tea--with
honey--- has been medicine for my
sore throat & occasional cough. I don't
put too much honey into the tea, bc it
ruins the flavor. I agree with Lizzy, and
George's wife Valerie, about honey itself. L

 

Patti I’ll join in with TGW and pray for your healing also. And we will pray that you have peace every day. You have always offered us heart felt prayers and we are very grateful to you. George I imagine when you use the exercise equipment in the compound you’ll sanitize it in case you would run into some inconsiderate sick people like Lou did. I’m still grateful we all made it past the holidays. The holiday frenzy is waning. Thank God! Gary

 

Man, I agree, brother! I was asleep at 9pm
last night, like my grandparents, who I
loved & admired deeply, did, every night.
They may not have been wealthy, but
they were fun, healthy & wise. Sadly,
they died when I was in high school, but I
remember their kind faces & voices as if
it were yesterday. My grandmother died of
cancer, at 68, like Linda did. Linda wasn't
blessed to know her grandparents. I wish
she had met mine. Maybe someday, our
spirits will unite. Lou

 

Robin,

I believe that Cheryl is watching over Gary, just as Ron is watching over you, and Bob is watching over me. I was so over the top sad before Christmas, and missed that bittersweet, comforting feeling, I always get whenever I receive a sign from Bob. On December 23rd, one of the LED bulbs in a recessed light fixture in my kitchen, began flickering (There are five of them on the ceiling, but only one of them was flickering, and it was the same one every time). I thought I must have purchased a defective bulb because I remember, or at least I think I remember, Bob telling me that they should last at least 10 years, and this bulb had only been in the light fixture since the beginning of 2018. The same bulb would flicker for a short time, then the bulb would return to "normal." Right before bed, it seemed like the bulb burnt out. Then, as I was loading the dishwasher, it began flickering, and eventually returned to "normal" again. The next day, the same thing kept happening, it would flicker, return to "normal," flicker some more, seem like it had burnt out, only to return to "normal" again. Long story short, the kitchen lights were off while we were away. When we got back from our road trip, the bulb began it's usual flickering, etc. etc., etc. Then it looked like it had finally burnt out. On New Year's Eve, I dropped my son off at the airport. When I got back and turned on the kitchen lights, the bulb began it's usual flickering, etc., etc., etc... Since yesterday morning, the bulb has been back to "normal." I want to believe!!!, this is a sign from Bob. I miss him so much!!!, TU!!!

I hope now that the holidays are over, you, all of us, will be able to LMSO at least once, every day... As much as bittersweet SUCKS!!!, it's much better than just sad!!!, TU!!!

As always, sending you and Teddy lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb,
Thank you for sharing. I believe that is Bob letting you know he’s with you. I’ve read books on receiving signs from our loved ones and lights are used often. I had a bulb in my bathroom and one in my office that blinked every time I went in those rooms. I felt it was a sign from Ron but I actually changed the bulbs and it kept happening. I would say is that you Ron? And the pattern changed. It still happens but less often. There’s someone who used to be on this site that I’ve become friends with, she found the site helpful but made her feel overwhelmed and other people’s stories made her too sad. But, we email each other still and she has a couple sets of fairy lights that work with batteries. There’s no timers or anything but 2 sets started coming on and turning off at specific times on their own. She asked her husband if it was him and to please turn on the 3rd set too. The next day all 3 sets came on. So Deb, I think it’s Bob giving you a sign, try talking to him. I know many people think this is crazy and I did too for a while. But there’s no other explanation. And also, the way I see it, if believing these are signs brings any kind of calm or peace even if it’s not a sign from our loved ones, it doesn’t hurt anyone so let it bring peace, love and calm that our spouses/loved ones are trying to communicate with us. I believe all our loved ones visit and show signs they’re with us but we have to be open to it to receive the signs. If not they go unrecognized. I’ve gotten messages from my cousin who passed one month before Ron. He wouldn’t leave me alone, pushing me to tell his family he’s trying to let them know he’s ok. I finally told his sister and then he stopped putting the message in my head. So Deb I’d say embrace and love the signs that you can’t come up with other explanations for.
I’m feeling happy that the holidays are behind us as I’m sure many or all others feel. But there’s still this black spot feeling. Like, I missed the holidays. The joy and happiness that we all used to feel and experience isn’t with us any more. But we all came out the other side, a new year has started and our journeys continue. We work towards having better days, remembering, honoring and loving our spouses. We will get to the better days, and the fact we’re a community supporting each other is such a gift. Where would I be without this community that’s been a part of my life for 2+ years. I don’t know and don’t want to even think about it.
I thank everyone on this site and wish us all better days ahead. Robin

 

Robin,

This morning that bulb is shining as brightly as it always did, and after reading your response, I'm positive it must have been Bob. I don't think talking to our loved ones is crazy. I talk to Bob all the time, especially when I'm feeling so over the top sad..., missing him the most. Not only is feeling so lonely one of the worst feelings ever, but not being able to talk to Bob, talk about all the little things that happened during the day, is so way beyond difficult. There are those things I have to share with him... the little things that I think he would find funny, those small, but really annoying things, like when there is a long line in checkout and someone cuts in front of everyone with a full basket of things, the could be dangerous things like when someone isn't paying attention while driving, and could have easily caused an accident, and of most of all, the important things... having to make important decisions without being able to bounce all the pros and cons off of him. Of course, not being able to include him in any future plans, makes me feel so alone..., so sad.... I can't even begin to imagine how I'm going to feel when I'm ready for a new fur baby and have to adopt one without the both of us just knowing, almost at exactly the same time, that this is the fur baby we have to take home, both immediately falling in love with him/her... I could go on and on and on... "talking" about this, but I think I'm beginning to get off topic. I know you "get' it!!!, TU!!! I know so many of us "get" it!!!, but wish with all my heart, we didn't have to "get" it...

Robin, I "get" your "black spot" feeling too... It SUCKS!!! BIG TIME!!!, TU!!! I can't imagine ever being able to feel that joy and happiness again... Wait, scrap this!!! I know I will never be able to feel this kind of joy and happiness ever again, and just like you said, I doubt any of us will be able to experience this ever again. It totally SUCKS!!! I'm still stuck on SUCKS!!! I can't seem to stop saying it. It's beginning to grow as stale as TU!!! and BIG TIME!!!, but these words just seem to sum up how I'm feeling better than any other words I can think of , especially with this widow foggy brain thing happening all the time.

I agree with you that the friends we have made here..., all the support, caring, and understanding we receive..., is a "gift." I don't believe in coincidences. I believe that all of us have found this site because we were meant to find it, as we try as hard as we can to rebuild our shattered lives... Just as you said, I have no idea how I would make it through this without GIC, without TGW... I am so grateful that I am a part of this community!!!, TU!!!

I think all of us should be proud of ourselves, that we survived the holidays. I often think of you saying, "We are stronger than we think we are." The deeper I get into this way beyond miserable journey, the more I agree with you. WE CAN & WILL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER!!!

As always, sending you and Teddy hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Of course Sanitation is my middle name! I am so glad holidays are over.

 

I had a thought about anticipated death.
When Kenn was dying I had intense bouts of anticipatory grief. It was grief others didn’t see or understand. It shook my world, took me to my knees. It would last a day or a week. Here’s the thing, like strength training I built strength in my grief muscle. Not on purpose but just by living so close to death. With every moment maybe being the last grief was always close to the surface set off by a song, a holiday plan…. all of the same things we experience now I had to live, and practice for two and a half years. So maybe in some areas of grief ‘work’ I’m a couple of months ahead.
The kicker is that the above is what everyone Thinks it Should be like for me. But, there is the part of loss that can not be practiced. No matter how much time, anticipation, planning… the unbearable moment of Kenn’s death arrived. The tangible tasks, the palpable absence, the forever finality.
I know we grieve differently, we grieved, we are grieving, we will forever grieve. It’s still death, it’s still forever. Life will never have him hold my hand or answer the phone, “Hello, Love”….. ~Bernadine

 

That really says it all. Anticipatory grief. I was there a year ago. Life is hard.

 

I'm finding it so hard to look forward to anything. I wonder how much longer I will fix coffee in the morning. People just don't realize that my life is pretty much over and all I feel like doing is waiting for night time sleep. I'm taking some anti- depressant pills every morning. Dont really know if they help or not. But my daughter comes over on the weekends, I know she is trying to have a cheerful attitude for me. I see no escape from this living nightmare, but like Gary, just try to stumble forward. No, nothing is normal anymore, won't ever be. Can't think of going someplace where we used to go, that sounds so sad. Don't want to go anywhere we haven't been, that doesn't sound like fun. This life isn't working so I don't have a clue of the future. Best of luck to us both. Rick

 

It is amazing you bring up Hanks 'so lonesome I could cry' tune. I think of it often, but it will be a long time if ever before I can ever listen to it again. Thanks for the suggestions on safety, so far I get around pretty good, years of climbing power poles I guess. But I find I'm doing less and less, just don't have the reasons to get up and do things anymore. Post care giver let down or something. I would do it again in a heartbeat, but I know God made the right decision. But it is just so unbelievably hard to believe she is gone I just can't stand it. I hate the coming back to the house after going somewhere, the silence and stillness is so very hard to take. I miss her presence so much. Rick

 

Rick I bet you are in shape and agile having a career as a lineman. Lack of power is our dilemma. We’re all looking for some kind of energy source outside ourselves to keep us going. Take note on how our individual members are coping and sustaining one another. Lou has become a people person out of necessity. Lou gets energy from being with positive people. Deb understands each of our difficulties and nurtures us. Deb immerses herself in nature by walking. Bernadine watches over her garden. Karen has a deeper intuition into problem solving and gives common sense advice. Patti is our spiritual leader and prays for everyone intensely. George Chad and yourself help by expressing your feelings. Robin Deb Bernadine and myself trust our imagination into feeling the presence of our beloved. I go deep into the woods to find peace with nature. Yesterday in Michigan I was taking tree stands down. It was very cold and the sky was the bluest I’ve ever seen. When I approached the highest ground of the property I saw a thin low cloud that had a faint rainbow. I believe that was Cheryl reminding me that she is with me in the non physical form. I hope your in person grief meetings work for you. Sometimes the best way to stumble forward is to try to help another person. I know it gets me out of my head enough to feel like I have something to live for. Keep on trucking Rick. It’s the action we take that gives us temporary relief and sustains us. Gary

 

Gary, thank you, as usual, for invoking my
name to Rick. I learned something new, when you referred to Rick, as a lineman.
He doesn't speak with me directly, like you,
George, and Chad, his fellow Texan, do.
All I could think of was the Glenn Campbell
song, "Wichita Lineman". As I just told Chad, music has a powerful role in
grief. I just heard the moving Johnny
Cash song, A Man Comes Around.I had never heard the song, and now, I play it
often, on my phone. Do you know it,
Gary? Lou