I lost my Mum, and My siblings too

I am so devastated I lost my Mum on Good Friday this year. It was horrible as I was not there with her when she passed. Lots of yucky things happened around the end of my Mums life. I think it was mainly due to secrecy, lack of communication and a breakdown of our family. And a few people being manipulative, I was reactive to this and did not respond well (considering the circumstances I did the best I could). I know it takes more than one person for things to happen. I do feel blamed, shamed and pushed out of the family. I am always quite open to communicate but I feel it wouldn't matter what I would say or do, as they are very critical. I had one sibling attack me and then another one just out of the blue trying to get us to leave the country and then one day out of the blue ushered me right out of the hospital to the car and told me to leave when nothing had happened to warrant this behavior. I had to beg this sibling why he was asking me to leave? He said I'd upset my mum? None of it made sense.? I never got to have a conversation with my mother again because of this. In fact I do not remember the last conversation I had with my mother, as this was so distressing.Mum was at the end of her life and was not speaking the next time I seen her then two days later she was gone. My sibling/brother was controlling and demeaning me from the moment we all found out Mum was ill. He has been like this to everyone all his life anyway so why would this be any different. However he wasnt the one there looking after mum when her partner wasnt helpful and supporting Mum. It was one of my sister's and I putting our lives on hold and being there for mum. I have only spoken to this sister since and however I have acknowledged my reactivity and that we were all there and it was a stressful and deeply painful to watch mum so sick. We have not spoken again as her attitude toward me was still blaming or wanting me to take the blame? It takes more than one person to create a situation and I feel we all should be responsible. And most of all that it is not an easy situation. There could of been more compassion and better communication for everyone. We are just all different. Apparently it is very common for families to break apart. My thoughts and feeling is that it was only all kept together by mum. Looking back it was never great between any of us. It is just so sad and hurtful. I am not talking with any of them (incl mums partner). Does anyone else have any tips on dealing with this? I know I need to just fcous on my own life. its just hard

 

Sorry to hear about your mother and the problems with your family. Hope you find this site helpful.

 

Hi Griefic, Thank you for your thoughts and words. I feel there definitely needs to be more time and space. I think your points are really good and especially the advice, when the time is right down the track to work on one relationship at a time rather than put them all in one basket. There is one sibling that may be more open to mending our relationship, and perhaps the other two at a later time, or perhaps not. Time will tell. We are all such different people and there are big differences in our lives as they all have their own children to think about (where as my partner and I do not have kids), so therefore I will not know where there grief will be at, as I know they have so many children between them to consider and nurture as they grieve too. So I understand this will need perhaps more time as all their grieving will be so different. One sibling did point out to me when we had just found out about Mum's illness, that her family (her husband and kids) were her immediate family where as for me my immediate family was mum and my siblings. But her main concern was them and in so many words was very dismissive of me. This was a given for me her family and kids come first and I understand, but however the way it made me feel quite secondary to my own family felt quite blunt, cold and hurtful and possibly I was being oversensitive at the time and then maybe I was not? I am sure she didnt intend hurting my feelings but it really was one of the many things said that made me an outsider and secondary in my own family. She did try in other ways too to keep things together but I believe it really comes down to how we all relate, and this has not been strong in our family forever rather. My three siblings all had children when they were all very young and my life has been completely different to all of them so my point would be that what always existed or lurked in the shadows really came to the forefront as my mother's life started to slip from her. I felt she struggled to stop it all seeping through the old cracks. I have had lots of counseling and it has definitely helped to understand it better from a healthier perspective. Confronting and painful as it was however it was a necessity for the secondary grief. The what If's and should of, would of, and could of always lurk in my mind, however I just know it is important to make my best efforts to be kind to myself, knowing yes I made mistakes too however my intentions were always thinking of others and most of all my Mumma and doing our best in such the worst life situation I could. I am as you are an optimist and a realist and will take moment by moment, day by day. I am not sure what the future will look like for my family but I am going to take the time to grieve for my mum, take care of myself and my partner. I am really glad this space is here thank you for being here I am so very grateful. Meg

 

Thank you This site has helped me a lot already