I lost my dad in may unexpectedly

Hi, I am new to this forum. My girlfriend wanted me to seek help, unfortunately I don’t have insurance at the moment so therapy ain’t an option. I am looking for alternatives and it led me here. My dad died in May. A couple of years ago my dad had a massive stroke that paralyzed him on his left side. I was living with my brother in Florida, and we both made the decision to move home to care for him. I work to support the family and the bills, while my brother who was a former LNA has been staying home to care for him. My dad had no other medical problems other than the stroke and the paralysis that followed. At the end of April I woke up to screaming and yelling that my father had stopped breathing in his sleep. This came out of nowhere. It had been a normal day prior, honestly I’d say an even better day than normal as it had been a really nice day and we had taken my dad out of the house for a stroll around our block. The paramedics were able to intubate him and get him breathing. When he was brought to the hospital I had just assumed it was possibly another stroke or maybe a heart attack because his side of the family has had heart issues in the past. They told us they didn’t think it was either of those, they believed that he had a seizure. I felt relief after that for some reason, I was really scared it had been another stroke. They wanted to send him to a better hospital, so they sent him to Boston. In Boston they discovered it had been another stroke, a small stroke but since his past stroke had caused so much damage this stroke had a large effect. He was no longer able to breathe on his own, he was no longer able to speak. But in my option the worst part of it all, he was completely mentally cognitive. He was in pain from the intubation tube. They had taken it out a few times to see if he would be able to breathe on his own but when they put the tube back in for a third time they told us he wasn’t strong enough to. At this point I had been staying at the hospital for two days. On the third day I walked in, and a doctor was there. He introduced himself as an oncologist. I immediately was wondering why an oncologist would be there. He told me they found something in his liver that looked suspicious. When the biopsy came back they told us it was stage four colon cancer. At this point he fully knows what’s happening, we had been giving him a white board to write and communicate but he was having trouble writing well so it was a struggle to fully understand him. They gave us two options. They could other give my dad a tracheotomy so he wouldn’t have to be intubated anymore and they would figure out what kind of treatment they would do for the stage four cancer. Or he could they could extubate him and make him comfortable and he would mostly likely pass within hours to days. We talked it out with him and it was so hard to see him cry. The tube in his throat hurt and crying made it worse. We went home and I figured he would take a couple of days to decide. The next morning they called and told us he had made his decision and he wanted them to take the tube out that day. I thought I would have more time with him and it hurt so much to hear, but I knew that if he made the decision that fast that he was in so much pain and he wanted to get it over with. We brought our dog to the hospital because my dad loved him so much. As soon as he saw my dog come in the room he started crying again and you couldn’t see how much pain he was in from the tube. They took the tube out and he asked use with the white board to put on his favorite movie Monty python. I sat with him and anytime he seemed in pain I would get the nurse to give him more pain meds or anxiety. She would ask me if what I thought he needed more and it was really hard to advocate for him because I couldn’t tell what he was exactly feeling. I really just wanted to ask her to give him as much medicine she could at every chance she could so he would fall asleep and not feel anything to be scared. I was terrified at the thought of him being scared because I know he was. When we told him about the cancer he wrote on his white board “die?” And when we nodded our heads he cried and he looked scared. My dad has always made me feel safe and the thought of him being scared hurts me so much. I didn’t want to leave his side, I didn’t want him to be scared he was alone, I wanted to hold his hand and be strong for him even though I really wanted to curl in a ball beside him. The second night they moved him out of the ICU and onto a regular floor. They had been giving him a medication only ICU nurses can administer so when we got to the new floor you could really see how scared he was. His jaw started to lock up and he had a deviated septum so he can only breath out of one nostril and you could see how just trying to take in air but he just couldn’t. It was awful. I was scared and the one person that would have comforted me couldn’t. My girlfriend didn’t leave my side and honestly if she wasn’t there I think would have had a full mental breakdown. The next day they got his meds regulated and he seems more calm and less in pain. He was also becoming much less alert. The entire time he wanted music so we played his favorite songs. The next morning he was only taking gasps of air every 3-5 minutes so I knew it would happen soon. He passed away at 8:03am. My brother, my girlfriend, and me kissed my dad on the head shut his eyes and went home. I told my mom. The rest of the day I was in a haze. I went to the grocery store and just watched everyone shop like it was a normal day. Everyone’s world just kept going and mine had just stopped. My dad died how could people just be buying groceries like it’s a normal day. I think about him all the time. Everything reminds me of him. His music now just reminds me of nights at the hospital when it was dark and James Taylor would play on repeat. They don’t sound the same anymore, not any less beautiful, just different. I planned his funeral. I was trying to be strong. I went back to work. But nothing feels the same. I find myself walking to his room to see him and then remember he’s not there anymore. He’ll never walked me down the aisle. He won’t ever meet his grandkids. I can’t tell him about my day and we can’t make stupid jokes anymore. I miss him all the time. I cry on my way home from work most nights. I know it’s fairly recent that this happened but is it normal for me to be taking it this hard? I feel okay most of the time but sometimes it feel like I’m pretending or I’m just maybe in auto pilot. I haven’t been able to tell anyone other than my girlfriend and my brother about the hospital because they were there and lived it too. But I also feel guilty because it know my brother is hurting just as much as I am and I also feel like I traumatized my girlfriend a little bit. I feel bad that she had to be there when my dad died. Of course she loved him also and she would have been there no matter what but I feel guilty, like she felt obligated to stay for me. If anyone reads this thank you for letting me shout out how I’m feeling and my experience with this. I don’t want to watch that horrible week of hospital stays and stress and sadness on repeat in my head and I’m feeling like the only way to not do that is to get it out and off my chest.

 

Sully,

I feel this so hard. Though unlike yours it was sudden. Your feelings are so valid and I am feeling them the same. I feel bad that everyone has to be there for me because I don't want to have to be. Cry. Be angry. Let it out. Talk it out. Remember him. <3

 

Hi Sully,

everything you are feeling hit so hard for me and it’s been 19 months since my mom was suddenly killed by a drunk driver.

nothing feels the same for me either, and it isn’t and won’t be. No more talks, or walks, or funny jokes and exchanges. All the constant ways they were in our lives both near and far, but always just a blink away.

i too came her looking for a way to process and learn to move forward, as life has lost its shine, but it continues all around me and and it’s important I can figure out how to do more than just move forward fortis surrounding me, as well as myself. I know this is sand for you.

I suppose time is the great leveler and as the world readjusts around us, we will learn to breath easier, cry for joy and loss, and be ok but different. Going through it with you, so sorry.