I know there’s no wrong way to grieve but…

Deb I just read your post on Stacey‘s thread from yesterday. I didn’t realize Bob started having health problems back in 2015. You have been under a lot of stress for a long time. No wonder you’re physically and emotionally drained. I hate feeling stressed out all the time too. I was successful in getting off the Ambien but I went from six hours of sleep to 4 1/2. I know I am burning the candle at both ends. there is nothing left to try so I just have to keep on keeping on. It makes me feel strange knowing I only had to go through Cheryl‘s death march three days. Cheryl‘s dad lived to 93 and her mom 84. As healthy as Cheryl was I thought that she might make 90. I’m glad you know you are stronger than you think. I like “permission to mourn” by Tom Zuba because it covers so much grief healing with simplicity. We really have to use our imagination to get through this. Too much reality sucks. TU big time. I like the way Zuba describes the spirit enters the body at birth and then leaves the body at death and goes to the place of it’s choice yet part of it remains with us. I’m glad you have a special friend who has walked the same trail as the GW to guide you. And you’re able to spend time with her in person. That’s almost like having a personal trainer. It’s night night time here. good night. Sending you an abundance of Virtual hugs Deb. Gary

 

Hi, Patti
November does seem significant for several us. The start of the holidays and diminishing light also have an impact. I’m in the Pacific Northwest so the rain is ever present this time of year, and solstice will arrive in a few weeks to turn the light around.
Thanks for introducing yourself, how many years has it been since Jack died?
Bernadine

 

Gary, thank you. I try to find the positive in everyone. But this SIL , I’m not so sure it’s even possible. I do feel for my brother and wonder why on earth he’s with her. My brother and I have been so close all our lives. I can’t imagine a life without him but dealing with his significant other is difficult. Ron always told me this brother is who I could depend on if something happened to him, for the most part he has been good support to me. They aren’t actually married but together a very long time. She must have some kind of mental illness like you mention, or she just doesn’t think before speaking. Something is off with her for sure. She has compared my loss of Ron to her loss of a dog and also a nephew. Both terribly sad and difficult for sure, but also very different. I do wish my brother would step in and say something. This time he heard her comment. She was rude to my daughter too. He didn’t shut her down at all.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with family feuds too. What is wrong with people? All the ones we’re having trouble with are family members, they should be supporting us not making us feel worse. My sister who I’ve cut all ties with, tried to turn people away from me. Didn’t work. You might be right that Cheryl’s sister is trying to turn others against you. It takes so much more energy to be mean, rude, nasty, whatever, and for what purpose. I wish I had prepared myself for my SIL, not sure what I was thinking by expecting her to be on good behavior. I should have shot something back at her like she deserved. I do think that you’ll be prepared for whatever comes your way at Cheryl’s tribute. Your guard will be up and you’ll shoot her down.
I’m so happy for you that you had tears of joy instead of grief. Your story of your niece lifting the box and feeling Cheryl’s presence is so beautiful. Brought tears. Thank you for sharing that. Your niece sounds lovely.
Gary, remember to take care of yourself. You’re important. I hope you’re getting some much needed sleep. ❤️ Robin

 

Robin, we all know how horrible your
sister-in-law is, but what concerns me, is
the lack of balls by your brother. I think
you might want to have a talk with him,
one on one, on the phone, if not in person.
If he chooses not to stand up to his
significant other, he should not be welcome in your home, either. Linda's
mother was similar to your sister-in-law,
and when we would visit Linda's parents,
she would try to ignore her mother, and
talk to her father, who she still had good
feelings for. But, in the end, her father
was a big disappointment, bc he ENABLED
her mother, and backed his wife, over his
daughter. Linda felt betrayed by him. We
wasted time on him, when we should've
been putting OUR happiness first. We cut
all ties with them, and, in fact, didn't
attend their funerals, bc they caused us
so much pain. A friend,my age, compared
Linda's death, to the loss of his cat. What
are you, sh**ing me??!! I walked away
from him angrily, without a word. He
apologized to me, and we moved on from
there. Robin, I highly recommend that you
read The Widower's Notebook. Jonathan,
the author, has a chapter, entitled, "Stupid
Things Said By Smart People". But, in the
case of your SNL, I agree with Gary. She
would be considered SICK, rather than
smart. Life is too damn short to try to
waste time with creepy people like your
sister-in-law, AND her enabler. Linda & I
had a big regret: that we didn't sever
ties sooner. I plan to stay with GIF for a
long time, God willing, and I pray that your
SNL will no longer be an issue, Robin. Lou

 

Gary, it's been a long time since I read
Zuba's book. Unlike The Widower's Notebook, I no longer have it, bc I borrowed it from my grief counselor.
You are amazing in bringing back the
vital messages of Zuba's book, with your
own insights. Thank you. Lou

 

Thanks DEB! You can and will do it! We are survivors whether we like it or not. That causes me much guilt! Some random thoughts I wrote in my journal:

• Last weekend at my house of 17 years
• Valerie would have loved all the pretty Christmas lights!
• I miss her so much today!
• Itz too Cold!
• Everywhere people out doin' stuff. I sit alone... O Lost!
• Where is my Energy to create?
• Where is my Imagination?
• What if I F_k up?!!!!
• I desire deep drafts of sweet Soda
• I want to eat deep into Savory Foods
• Where is my Passion? - My creative Fire...
• What is there to do....?

Well thanks for listening. I love bullet points. You should have seen my teacher PowerPoints.
You can do this! We TGWs can do this! LOVELOVELOVE

 

I have no family... I'm glad I don't have to deal with Valerie's family. They didn't even so much as acknowledge her death. Her asshole yuppie Uncle and his kids. It is weird but good because Valerie wanted it that way. Last weekend in this house and I'm kinda freakin' again! I know I'll do it but it's that whole unknown thing again. I respected Valerie's wishes and that's most important! I feel so hollow inside!

 

Reading old journals I really think Valerie's cancer was present 10-12 years ago. That\s when her health really started to deteriorate. But being so strong and stoic she went on and worked and did some stuff anyway. Back then she referred to it as "Ulcers" (that was diagnosed).It wasn't until June of 2019 that the LipoSarcoma was truly determined. I remember sitting in sterile Doctor rooms seeing the horrifying ultrasound images on the computer screen. I knew in my heart she was gonna die. Just kept fooling myself. As she did too. We were hopeful when they removed the massive tumor. Then 6 months later, right after Christmas 2019, the horrifying ultrasound images on the computer screen were even scarier! It came back quickly and more virulently. Surgery was not an option. Chemo! They tortured her with 2-3 session, in Spring of 2020, (insurance made them!) even though "Oncology Joe" said it was pointless, but they HAD to try. I never thought she'd die as soon as she did on Feb 20, 2021.

I'm glad you stopped the Ambien. That crap was evil to me! Now I fall asleep around 10 usually am up by 5 if I'm lucky. I hate taking any pills except for the antidepressants my psych prescribed. Just "keep on keeping on" thatz all we can do for our loved ones.

Reading old journals I was such a miserable and angry person back around 2011. I was affected by my PKD (kidney disease) my career was going down hill because teaching was no longer about teaching the students. It flipped over to the business model where data and money and administrators were more important that the kids. And I knew Valerie was Sick... just couldn't face it. was taking toms of Ambien and Ativan, drinking much bourbon and VDKA. Everywhere was stress strife and madness... I feel calmer now. I'm totally clean! I feel so guilty that I wasn't this way for Valerie... But I was our last 6 years were a return to the Love and peace we both needed. She was just so sick with cancer! She acted so strong! She was still working teaching CDC kids up until the end! I became the grownup I needed to be. Journaling is great because it gives one perspective. I have around 2000 pages going back over 30 years. Lot of it is whiny crap but that's OK too. An honest record of my/our struggles and feelings. Thanks for listening. This time of year makes me so introspective. and that's cool.

TGWs are the best!

 

Thank you Lou, I have 2 people in my life that don’t belong there. First my sister, she has the devil in her I’m sure of it. I won’t go into details but I’ve cut all ties with her. And the only way she can contact me is snail mail or drive to my house. She’s in Florida so that helps. And then my brothers wife who has been nice 80% of the time since Ron’s passing. I think part of her issue is her need to be the center of attention. Plus she’s pretty much an airhead.she says things and it comes across that she has zero idea that it’s hurtful. In fast early yesterday she sent me a text saying what a nice relaxing Thanksgiving they had at my home. And thanked me for everything. I never had any issues with her previous to Ron’s passing. In fact we complained to each other about my sister. My brother is who helped me with the septic tank collapse, with my furnace, came to our aid when we had a flat tire and dead battery. Dropped what he was doing and changed the tire and also gave us a jump. If I need help with anything, he’s here in a heartbeat. But he’s with someone who doesn’t deserve him.
I might order The Widowers Notebook for my kindle. I’ve tried reading since Ron has passed, and I have to keep rereading what I’ve read. I forget what I’ve read so fast. But thank you I might get it.
Thank you for your prayers Lou. Robin

 

George, please try to stay away from the
sugary sodas. A long time ago. there was
a book called Sugar Blues. It pointed out
that the immediate high, gives way to a
crash of low energy. I also found out that
the immediate buzz of alcohol, led to
MORE depression after Linda's death. I'm
so glad I stopped drinking 2 years ago. My
favorite drink with a meal, is sparkling
water, which is good for digestion. In my
area, I buy Poland Springs, from Maine.
When I'm out, I may get Pellegrino, from
Italy, or Perrier, from France. I always
wished Linda didn't have a sweet tooth.
She was always eating cake & ice cream.
perhaps to fill a void from her unhappy
childhood. I wondered if that was a factor
in her Diabetes 2. You don't need THAT (!)
on top of your kidney issues. Lou

 

Robin, I learned from my feisty wife, Linda, not to take any crap. She always
regretted when she didn't stand up for
herself. After Linda's death, I realized my
life's mission was to help, and to give
comfort to people in my lives, and to my
close GW on GIC. That would be great if
you get Jonathan's book. Stacey just got
the audio version, and said it was really
good, bc Jonathan's pleasant voice is the
one who narrates it. Deb, Gary, George,
& others, love the book, also. I keep it by
my bed, & reread some of the lighter
chapters about Jonathan's dealing with
people after Joy's death, after 40 years of
marriage. It is an honest, sometimes funny,
portrayal of the ups & downs of 2 people
who love each other. Lou

 

Believe me! with the dialysis I have to watch my fluids! I truly limit the soda, I still crave it though! I usually drink seltzer myself. But I LOVE the crushed ice at dialysis. That's my true fav! Valerie had such a wild sweet tooth! I was always procuring Ice Cream and Cake for her! I think it was like you said about Linda. No diabetes here! I'm really ok enough except for the no kidney thing! I've lost around a hundred pounds since those journal daze! Hope you had a good time at the Shack Man! So true about alcohol... it feels good at first but the depression is horrible!

 

George, I'm so proud of how you've
matured. Always remember that you and
Valerie loved each other unconditionally,
as did Linda & I. No marriage is perfect.
Jonathan & Joy had to seek marriage
counseling at one point. Linda had her
weaknesses. Her biggest one was her
loyalty to her ungrateful father, at the
expense of our happiness in the early
years of our marriage. My biggest fault
was my occasional irritability and anger,
in stressful situations. My negative emotions were magnified by my manic
depression. Linda forgave me, bc she
knew that, at my core, I was a kind man
who loved her. I cry when I write this. L

 

The Shack was dead last night. Not sure
if it was the rain, or people tired after
the holidays. One of the 2 regular, fun
bartenders was home sick. I managed to
talk with one couple. The wife's father had
recently died. She was the one who told me
about Center for Loss, which I passed on
to GIC. She said she wasn't receiving the
daily quotations this week ( like TGW
also said), but was getting book offers from the founder. I decided to come home early
last night, and I'm glad I did,, on such a
miserable weather night and "dead"
Shack!! Lou

 

Valerie was paranoid that everyone was secretly making fun of her. I drank to "just go behind her back" I drank because I was sick and tired and my career I loved changed paradigms. She was very angry from her viscous father who she hated. She hated her mother too! I know she forgave me. I just have so much I want to tell her. She could have benefitted from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) like I had for three years. By the time we both grew up she was sick, the house was a mess, and TB was angry. She is always in my heart... spot number one!

 

Hey Bro! At least you got out. I just sat around reading "Of Time And The River" Wolfe's sequel to LHA. I did a bunch of journaling. Listened to Too Much of Nothing (Bob Dylan and the Band- Basement Tapes) and Ripple. You should Google the lyrics to too Much Of Nothing... you will see why it's my favorite song ever! See ya Big Bro!

 

Thanks, George! I'll look up Dylan's words.
I must confess that I thought his singing
could sometimes be whiny. When you
mentioned Ripple, I thought of a cheap
wine, which packed a punch, back in
college! Lou

 

Wow, our stories about our wives are so
parallel, George. Linda's relationship with
her parents sucked, as well as my dealings
with mine. That's why we didn't want either toxic set at our wedding. and
"eloped", in our mid 40s (!!) to Las Vegas!
I believe in CBT, and still do it, by phone,
now. Linda felt it would be useless for her,
which I think was a mistake. She held
all that anger inside. I can't help but
wonder if that led to her cancer. Lou

 

Wow! We eloped to Paducah Kentucky. No parents... no BS! My Father was long dead of Cancer... I didn't really respect my Mother. Valerie's parents were such a CF! I was listening to Basement Tapes at the same time I met Valerie (Winter 1987, I was 21). The lyrics "Say hello to Valerie..." were a sign to me. I like Bob Dylan but he's not a fav usually. You groove to the more trad singers I know. The words to "Ripple" are so beautiful. No cheap wine here!

 

I think too much anger is so unhealthy. Valerie was such an angry person, except usually to me. I was her best friend