How to adjust to being single

Lost spouse of 43 years just before last Christmas. I think I’ve handled it very well all things considered. I have support from my faith, family, friends, church and have signed up for a support group that starts next week. I have a sort of routine for most days, things to do different days of the week. This has helped tremendously to keep me sane. But all the busyness doesn’t fill the need for someone to relate to…someone special to “do life” with. Someone to talk about little unimportant things or even important things sometimes. Someone to laugh with. Part of me is ok being single, independent. But the loneliness can be suffocating at times. I don’t want to rush into finding a relationship just for the sake of having someone. I don’t want a pet. My daughter is trying to get me interested in volunteer work. I have signed up to do some things at my church but I don’t feel I’m ready for more than that. I feel like I need to heal before I can give more to others…am I wrong to think that?

 

It is depressing to see how many people read my post but not one has responded. I would delete this if I only knew how. Perhaps someone would be kind enough to explain that.

 

Sorry nobody has replied, it's probably because there are many different threads on this site and members are not always notified unless they specifically search for new ones, like I am doing right now.
I understand what you're going through, I lost my 57 year old husband suddenly, unexpectedly, due to a heart attack, more than two and a half years ago. I manage to survive each day thanks to my two adult kids who live with me.
It's still very soon for you, it's normal to feel the way you do, I still have difficulty conversing, being amongst people, I feel nobody understands me. That's why I'm grateful for this site, everyone relates and empathises with each other, we are all unfortunately going through the same grief. Everyone here has helped me enormously. Others who havent lost a soulmate cannot possibly comprehend our devastating loss, our loneliness and emptiness.
Try posting on "Loss of Spouse", please be patient, keep posting and I'm sure our friends here will find you and reply soon.
Take care.
Rose

 

Thank you, Rose, for your human kindness. 4 days and after 55 people have viewed and not responded…I’m not finding much comfort in this site. I appreciate that you reached out but when grief hits and your heart is breaking…4 days doesn’t cut it.

 

hi i am here. loss my wife jan 15 2023, what a confused mess i am.

 

Hi Kelso,
May I ask…have you had other losses as well? I see you are a “well-known member” on this site.

 

Butterfly14,

I'm so very sorry to learn that your husband passed away before Christmas. Words seem so shallow at times, now being one of them, so I hope you know how truly sorry I am. It SUCKS!!! My husband, Bob, died almost 29 months ago. He was sick for many years, but it wasn't until the beginning of 2018, that I had to become his full time caregiver. It was the most difficult, challenging "job," I've ever had, but I would do it all over again, if only I could...

You are already doing so much to help yourself move forward, but unfortunately, all of us are lonely, just as you are. I HATE!!! sounding so pessimistic, but no matter how much you keep busy, it's impossible to ditch this kind of loneliness. The only way we wouldn't feel this never ending loneliness, was if your husband, my husband, Bob, Rose's husband, C, and every other one of our GIC "family's," one true love of his/her life was able to come home (physically). It SUCKS!!!, TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatement To The Absolute Max!!!, a DEB original).

I can relate to every word you said. Just like you, a part of me is finally okay with being single. It feels so good to be independent, knowing I can take care of myself, but, and this is one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, even though I think I'm morphing into a much more confident, stronger, and independent person, than I was when Bob and I were together, it still SUCKS!!! I would give it all up, if Bob could only come home...

It took me almost 29 months before I began thinking about the possibility of being in another relationship. Even now, while there is a part of me that would like to find companionship, I'm not looking for it. I have mixed feelings about it. I still love Bob with all my heart, and always will. I don't care what the law says. In my heart, Bob and I will always be married. Backing up a bit, I can almost hear Bob saying, "What are you crazy, woman??? Go for it!!! I want you to be happy," but it's not this simple.

I don't believe another relationship is the answer, especially not before I've finished morphing into this new
version of myself. Grief changes us in ways no one can imagine, unless he/she has experienced the kind of total heartbreak that you and I are experiencing. I think it's important for me to know exactly what I want out of life, be fully independent, and feel as though although I'll NEVER!!! stop loving Bob, and although Bob will ALWAYS!!! hold the BIGGEST!!! place in my heart, that I'm finally ready to let someone else in. However, I'm well aware that it'll NEVER!!! be the same, as good, as when Bob and I were together. Bob is the one true love of my life... I can't replace him like I can replace a broken chair.

In order to move forward, I no longer believe in healing because I don't believe we fully heal. Instead I believe we just get used to living alone, and being lonely, even when surrounded by friends/family. It SUCKS!!! now that Bob, my "person," the one who always had my back, and and I always had his/her back, is no longer on earth. It SUCKS!!! that I've become the keeper of our shared history, of all those inside jokes, that no one else would "get," and even if it was possible, I would't want to share them. I

t's a lonely world without someone to come home to every night, talk about each other's day, while enjoying a leisurely dinner together. It SUCKS!!! that all of my dreams and plans for the future have been shattered, but, and this is the first and last really BIG!!! BUT!!! for this morning, it IS!!! possible to find happiness in this new world we've been thrown into, even though it will always be laced with sadness.

After 29 months, I can finally say that life has become a "mix of happy and sad," as Robin, a friend, and GIC "family" member, explained how she feels, now that her husband, Ron, has transitioned, and can no longer be with her (physically). Life has become over the top bittersweet, TUTTAM!!! As I said to another new member yesterday, we're stuck on a roller coaster ride of highs and lows, twists and turns, with no way to stop the ride.

Having said all of this, from what you've said, you're already doing so much to help yourself move forward. In order to move forward, it's necessary to not only fully allow yourself to grieve, to be gentle with yourself at all times, but also to reach out to others who understand the total heartbreak you're experiencing, let friends and family help you through this very difficult time, the best they can, and finally, when you're ready, to figure out what your new purpose in life will be.

Although I knew almost immediately after Bob transitioned, what my new purpose was going to be, it took me until now, to have the energy to want to volunteer, because of how emotionally draining and exhausting grieving is. At times, it seemed to suck all the life and energy right out of me.

This month, I'm going to begin volunteering for a wonderful non profit organization, that provided me with transportation to medical appointments, after someone t-boned my car last summer It had to be totaled.
I know you don't want a dog, but for me, adopting Skye in January of this year, was one of the best decisions I've made since Bob's transition. People tell me I rescued her, but she's the one who has rescued me. She has forced me into a routine, has given me something to take care of other than myself, and showers me with lots of sloppy wet kisses, and tons of TLC. Originally, my plan was to train her to become a therapy dog, something that has been at the top of my bucket list for many years, but because of her high prey drive, I'm not sure if she's going to be able to pass the CGC test.

If she doesn't pass it, it's okay. She provides many of my neighbors and friends, with lots of lol moments, and smiles. She forced me out of my comfort zone, and back into the world, where I've met so many people, some who are now friends. As far as I'm concerned, she's already a therapy dog. I love my furry little angel with all my heart...

Better stop now!!!, before I continue to ramble on and on and on, something I'm notorious for around here. I've been typing whatever comes into my head, so I hope it makes sense, especially because I haven't had enough caffeine this morning, and the morning is almost over.

Please!!! don't give up on our GIC "family." As Rose mentioned, most of us post in The Loss of Spouse Section. For this reason, it might take much longer before you get many responses. However, this is a wonderful site, filled with the absolute best people, some who have now become good friends.

It seems so strange calling people who I've never met in person, good friends, but you will be amazed at the support you will find here. In some ways, my GIC "family" knows me better than my in person friends know me, because of the total heartbreak we share.

This has become my safe place, the place I come to whenever I need a virtual hug, want to "talk" or "listen." Sometimes we give advice, but you can take it or leave it. This is a judgement free zone. We'll be here for you no matter what decisions you make.

I hope you'll stick around, give us the chance to get to "know" you, and you the chance to get to "know" us.

I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. Welcome to our GIC "family...

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB and Skye

 

I just read your posting from August 3 for the first time, and I am surprised and annoyed at myself for not having seen it earlier. Because I also lost my love of many years and joined this site for that reason, yours is the specific kind of posting that I look for. My excuse is internet illiteracy, but the overwhelming number of threads and postings on this site also play a role.

It sounds to me like you are handling things very well, all things considered. Who could ask for more than having support from faith, family, friends, and church? I am also attending an in-person support group, and hopefully that will provide even more comfort to you. You have zeroed in on the gnawing quandary that we all face; namely, the loneliness that all of a sudden becomes your companion in life. Therapists like to call our new life "the new normal". Those are the therapists that haven't lost the love of their life. Those of us who have know that our new life is "the new ABnormal". As you put it, when your "heart is breaking", life in not normal. You will find a path forward some way or another, but moving slowly and cautiously is your own best advice. There is no up-side to rushing into anything. I'll bet you have already seen examples in your new life of spurious roads not taken that you are glad you did not take. Especially, I hope you do not "rush into finding a relationship just for the sake of having someone." You were with one man for 43 years, and I would suggest that you need time to sort things out before taking a giant step like that. You sound like a very level-headed person, and I believe you will make the right decisions for yourself going forward. May life break in your favor. Jeff.

 

Thank you, Jeff, for your reply. I think I am level headed and rely on my faith to keep me that way. It is definitely a new reality to go solo. I feel like I was shipwrecked and woke up on a beach. The shock has worn off. I accept my new situation but haven’t quite figured out how to get back into a new pattern of life. I can’t imagine going on vacation alone as some suggest and do. Just doesn’t sound like fun to me. I am a homebody. I was very content being with one person to do life and go out to socialize together and retreat back home. We didn’t have people over accept family. Someone suggested going to the movies solo. I may try that sometime. I used to see women alone at the movies and felt sorry for them…hard to put myself in their place now.
No matter how it goes, as long as we keep breathing life goes on…it doesn’t stop and wait til we figure it out

 

Jeff, that is a perfect description "a new abnormal" and not "normal". I feel like I'm living a life that's not mine, my real life with my husband has been stolen from me, and is 'floating' around somewhere else in this universe, or in another dimension, and I'm now just here as a spectator, watching the world still turning, but I'm standing still. It's strange but I feel more lonely when I'm amongst people than when I am actually alone.
I hope you find your support group beneficial, I would willingly attend one but they don't even exist over here, not in my region, anyway.
Rose

 

Hello Butterfly, I can relate to your words, about being content with your life with your one person, that's the way me and my husband were. We didn't need anyone else, we did everything and went everywhere together. We were one whole with our soulmates, now it's like being torn in half. On the other hand, if we were a part of each other, 'fused' together, then even though a part of us went away with them, we still have a part of them with us. They made us who we are now, and I find that a great comfort, gives me strength to go on.
It's tough but we can make it.
Rose

 

Rose, your description of the life we now live is spot on. I too am now just a spectator passing time, watching the clock, and marking days off the calendar. I have long since passed the time when I felt that my life had the purpose that it once did. I do the laundry from time to time and mow the yard every now and then, but there is no one here to notice. Like both you and Butterfly said: you were content with your life with your one person. You weren't asking for much. Just the mundane activities of daily life shared with him provided all the fulfillment you needed. Why was that taken away?

I don't have the answer to that question, but you have reminded me of a more important perspective. All the years of happiness and fulfillment you had with him made you who you are now. While the pain of your grief is never-ending and sometimes seemingly unbearable, would you trade it for never having been with him. Of course not! To those of us who have lost our soulmate, think how empty our lives would be if we had never met. With that in mind, I echo your words, "It's tough, but we can make it." Jeff.