The prompt in my grief journal was: "What is the most disorientating part of your life now?" I think it's the weight of the sadness. I thought I was more mentally prepared for when she would pass away. I knew that it would hurt so much, but it feels like it has been the longest goodbye for a few years now. I knew that it would hurt so much, but this is a deeper kind of pain. I wouldn't call it an ache or even feel the need to cry (even though I rarely do). No, this is a different type of sadness, a longing in my bones for home. She was my home. I feel uprooted in a way that I never really have before, and I don't know if I'll ever feel the same again. Maybe that is what is so disorientating: this has changed me forever.
