Grieving the loss of my ex husband from addiction

Hello, everyone. I am new here and just found this page. I thought I was all alone until right this very minute. My husband of 32 years passed away in Feb of 2024. He was an alcoholic from the day I met him. He had demons I thought I could exercise for him, but I was wrong. We have three children together. For most of our married life he was functional, but as the years passed, the alcoholism just got worse. Like the others on this thread, I left to save myself and my youngest who was still at home with us. Before our divorce was finalized, he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. So while we were in the process of divorcing, I was helping him navigate the cancer treatments. The cancer finally won 18 moths after our divorce was final. I met him when I was 20 years old. I loved him to the depth of my soul. And never stopped loving him. I just couldn't be married to him while he chose the bottle over me every single day. In my heart I always thought he would realize what he lost and we would end up back together.

I have so much anger and guilt over the decisions I made. Just like KaveB, I look back at my actions think, "what a bitch!" How could I not have supported him more. How could I have treated him so badly when he had a disease. When he got cancer, I was there for him and supported him, but when dealing with the alcoholism, I blamed him and eventually shut down. I took the kids, the dogs and left him alone. Which only made the situation worsen.

I am also so angry at him for choosing the bottle over me and our children every single day. He had demons, but he refused to confront them. In the end he committed a very slow suicide. And left me to once again clean up after him.

I cannot even put into words how I am feeling. I have never felt grief like this before. I don't know how I will ever move forward. And I am so lonely, no one truly seems to understand that the divorce was not because we fell out of love. Like one person said above, everyone seems to have just moved on and forgotten about my grief. I don't have anyone to talk to except my children, and I am supposed to be the strong one in that relationship. My friends don't even ask how I am at this point. It is so lonely. I am completely heartbroken and don't know how to get through this.

I am so saddened that others are experiencing similar emotions but at the same time thankful to know that my situation is not as unique as I thought. I suddenly feel slightly less alone.

 

Hello BetsyLu, my condolences for the loss of your beloved husband/ex. Complicated grief is an even bigger challenge on the grief scale. Do you have a local hospice group or ? that provide support groups and/or other resources to grief-trained practitioners? It can be so helpful to also have the face-to-face support.

I totally get the issue of friends and family 'avoiding' me and what I'm experiencing, as well as not even bringing Ed up in conversation ~ I assume that they don't want to cause me pain ~ I'm always the one that has to keep his memory alive, not only for me, but for them as well. I'm exhausted. I've also lost many friends and family members to alcohol and drug abuse (not a significant other, however), so I understand the issues and internal conflicts. Many of those still haunt me today.

Glad you found us here at GIC. We all provide great support to one another.

May Peace embrace your heart...

~ Michael

 

Hi Betsy Lu. The guilt from turning away from someone who is addicted to alcohol or drugs is ever present. I never thought I would get to the point where I just couldn't do it any more. However, I know if someone doesn't want help or want to change we can't make a difference.
I feel badly so often thinking that our son feels I rejected him, because I did. Drugs and alcohol ruin so many lives. If you are tempted to try them, please don't. It will destroy you and those around you.

 

Hi, Chris. Thank you. I know logically that I had to leave, but it still weighs so heavily on me. My greatest fear is the genetic component. I worry so much about my children carrying that gene. I am sorry for your loss.

 

I am sorry for your great loss and all the losses previous to the loss of your husband. Our grieving sometimes begins way back.

 

I feel like you and me are in the same boat. I just lost my ex husband on July 3. We were not in contact anymore really. He died from both overdose and because someone shoved meth lace fentanyl in his mouth after having a reaction to PCP. The person didn't render aide and left. At first I thought he had taken it himself. I feel like I'm stuck in a limbo of feelings. We have been separated for 16 years, but it's hurts so much. I didn't expect it to be this painful. I feel like I shouldn't be feeling sad or crying, but we had two girls together. I feel like everyone already moved on and I'm the one left feeling everything. I just always knew he was there without speaking or seeing him for years or months at a time. I always said I hated him for everything, but I guess you never really stopped loving someone. Love just changes from one kind to another. I hope you and your kids find peace.

 

I am sorry for your loss.
It is only right to be sad and cry over losing someone you loved. It is true that everyone else moves on except for the person who loved the most and was the most attached.
Losing someone we love always hurts so much no matter what the previous circumstances have been.
I think your grieiving shows this person has worth. Don't worry about whether your feelings are right or wrong-they are just feelings and we have to face them is we are going to be able to move forward. As these feelings surface try to face them and adjust to the changes this has brought in your life.
God can help you. He loves you.
Chris

 

Thank you.

 

Hi DMarie937 - I am so sorry for your loss, and so sorry it's taken me this long to reach out. I've been going through periods where I don't even recognize myself sometimes. It's like I put my head in the sand and hope by not thinking about the facts and circumstances of all that has happened will somehow change them or better yet make them disappear...make it as if I was just in some horrible nightmare and all I have to do is turn to my side and I will see my husband or hear him say my name. I know how suffocating the regret and guilt can be and I pray that you get relief from those burdens. Thank you so much for sharing and God bless you.

 

Well, I'm chiming in months later, but I do hope you are doing better. I think when we love someone so deeply the pain stays with us always. And I understand what you mean about being the 'ex'. The response you receive when you share that your husband died is usually very different from when you say your 'ex' has passed. But you both knew in your hearts that you loved each other, and no one can take that away. I continue to feel heartbroken and continue to have times where all I just sit with my head in my hands and cry, and perhaps that is the same for you. But you are not alone. We may not know each other, but I hope you get some solace from knowing your pain is shared, and that you are being prayed for.

 

Reading your story was like reading my own and I can't tell you how sad that makes me feel as I know exactly what you are experiencing. You can't put into words how you are feeling because there aren't any. The pain is too deep, too complicated. Words just 'don't cut it'.

I did the same as you, blaming my husband for what he had done, and then I broke inside, hitting a point where I didn't think I could take any more. But now, almost 2 years after his death, I'm questioning whether life with him was really that bad, and thinking perhaps I should have never left. But I think what Chris said in her original post to me was so true - - that in the aftermath of my husband's tragic end it was easy to look back and think I should have done this or that. What I've come to learn is that time is a double-edge sword. In one way, time makes the grief a little easier to live with (though it never goes away), and in the other, it distorts our understanding of how life actually was when we were in the midst of the chaos brought upon us by the disease. Suddenly what we thought we could no longer live with was maybe not so bad after all. But there is no way to go back in time, nor should there be. We must have faith that we did all that we could to help, and if the other person doesn't choose to get help there isn't anything we could have done to change that.

I also understand what you mean about your husband committing a slow suicide, leaving you to clean up after him. That was exactly how I felt. It is so incredibly hard watching someone you love - divorce or no divorce - destroy themselves. It's like you are surrounded by air but for some reason you are struggling to breathe. I don't know what the answer is on how to get through it. But I do pray for my husband every day, asking God to wrap His arms around him and give him peace. Sometimes I get on my knees and ask for help. I also try to keep busy, but admittedly trying to do anything that first year after he died was almost impossible. Everything seemed to remind me of my husband or push me into a pit of emotion like when I would go food shopping and would have to leave my half-full cart in the aisle because a 'break up' song started to play over the speakers, and I had to run to my car with tears streaming down my face. Yes, it is hard and it will continue to be hard. But you are here and need to live, for yourself and your kids. What you are feeling is excruciating. I know. And I hope you gain strength knowing that there are others who have traveled similar paths with similar heartaches and who care about you and your struggles.