Fear, pain and despair!

Lou, this community has quickly become my lifeline and I would welcome and appreciate it if more Warriors would email me. It is helping me to talk to you all and for that I am so grateful .

 

Sue,

My heart breaks for you. Your loss cuts to the marrow of the bone. We feel your loss as it is our own, because our loss has a common denominator: a deep love that only soulmates understand. And this is so whether we were caregivers over extended time or traumatized by a sudden, electrifying cardiac arrest occurring before our eyes.

I was numb for many months after my husband's cardiac arrest and no one, except a Catholic nun, recognized this and, possibly, my grief counselor, who I still see. Like you, I have suffered from guilt. First; Pierre contracted Covid, then me, then he went into cardiac arrest. I second-guessed myself, constantly. I raged against a doctor who was, in fact, incompetent. I told another doctor who was competent but uncaring that he was a contemptible excuse for a human being; let alone a physician. I pulled records from Urgent Care. I relived over and over the cardiac arrest; regretting that neither of us knew CPR.

Three saving graces have helped me:

1. A neighbor, my grief counselor and a Catholic missionary priest who is also a physician.
2. My deepening faith and belief in God's enduring love and mercy.
3. Grief-in-Common.

For me, it is No. 2 above which brought Nos. 1 and 3 into my life.

This site is blessed with the most incredible, compassionate and sensitive individuals which one could only hope to meet, albeit "virtually". I cannot say enough about the surviving soulmates on this site who are living examples of the word "love". The love that everyone exhibits on this site is precisely the reason that they came to the site: They loved another person so deeply, so profoundly, that it is so important to them that they extend help to another grieving soulmate who, like them, feels alone in grief. Like "class" which is not defined by fame or money, the type of love that these surviving soulmates have is in their bones.

In another post, I quoted stanzas from a poem by W.H. Auden (Funeral Blues) to which we all can relate. Reading it may bring one to tears; yet, at the same time, it brings comfort in the knowledge that the pain we have is --- in fact --- "Grief-in-Common":

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.


Unlike the last line of the poem, Sue, something will come to good. You have already come to the place which is safe, comforting and good.

 

W

Wow Georgine, thank you so much for your amazing words. The poem is one of my all time favorites and also was featured in the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral where it moved me so when I watched it.
I also agree with point 2 and 3.
This morning I wanted to mow our lawn which is getting out of hand now, but I am still battling with flu and had a fever. Could not even lift the weedeater. So trying to rest although feeling guilty for not doing something.
Thank you all for your amazing support! I feel at home here.
Sue

 

Georgine, Sue took the words
right out of my mouth. I was just
about to reply to you, at 8am
my time. When I started reading
the Auden poem, I started crying
bc I remember the character in
the movie,Four Weddings and a
Funeral, which I saw in a theater
with Linda, and then, on a DVD
at home.This morning is
filled with new people: Sue, who
just joined us from South Africa,
Deejay from Australia, whose
soulmate died suddenly, and
Jeff, whose wife, Janet, died
after many years of marriage.
I woke up early, and was the first person to reach out to them. I'm
sure you and others will follow.
Lou

 

Lou,

The clip from the film is very moving. I am glad that you and Linda saw it together. What a gift that was - that you experienced it with each other,

Here is a short video that uses the poem in a powerful way:

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?&q=W.H.+Auden+Funeral+Blues+YouTube+Ophius++march 9, 2011

A very warm welcome to all new Grief Warriors. You have come to the right place.

Georgine

 

Yes Georgine, that poem is very moving, perfect words. I had forgotten about that film, I'd like to see it again but perhaps I shouldn't, not just yet.

 

Rose, I’m sorry it’s taking me so long to answer. I answered this post on Tuesday but never hit reply and then it was gone.
I’m so happy to hear you’ll be attending a concert with both your children. I know this is a big step for you. And I’m thinking it means you feel ready. You’ll probably cry but that’s ok. I’m praying you don’t get rained on. And C will love it and be happy you made this leap. You are always in my prayers but I’ll pray for you extra on July 4th. I’m also going to a open air concert a few days after yours. My daughter asked me and I said sure. It gets me out of the house. I don’t recall who were seeing. But I love the amphitheater that it’s at, surrounded by the ocean.

I’m sorry how things are for you there and needing to keep your feelings to yourself and not having counselors. This is the most difficult thing any of us will go through and we need to be able to talk about it with people. That’s a huge part in this process. However it’s difficult to talk about losses here too. Yes we have counselors but our friends and family just want to hear we’re doing great. Maybe not everyone is experiencing this but I certainly am, except for people who have had such a loss. I was pretty angry at God for a very long time. So I get that. And that’s where GIC steps in and fills this void for us all. We all get it and experience the same things. A safe place to speak what we’re thinking and feeling. I also get that the scene of your C’s last moments keeps playing continuously. It’s hard to get past that. I go through the whole day beginning to end. I know every moment and how we spent the day. The time Ron said he didn’t feel well and I called in to him and asked if he was ok and the tone and desperation in his voice when he said no. I do wish I was by his side when he passed but he knew we were close. My daughter and I were given a private room. The doctor kept coming in and there was never good news. We felt so scared and alone. Three hours before that moment, Ron was perfectly fine. I wonder if we missed signs along the way. But his dr visits never showed anything. Quoting Ron, “strong like bull”. And now here we are with Fathers Day this weekend. I’m dreading it as I know many of us are.

I’m getting alerts again that our air quality will be affected but not as bad as previously. I’ll add a picture I took standing in my front yard showing the sun and how thick and orange it was.

Again I’m sorry it took me so long to reply. I pray you have a wonderful time with your children at the concert.

❤️ Robin

 

Sue, I am so sorry for your loss and the emotional devastation that you are suffering. Of all the painful words that you used to express your trauma (agony, ripped apart, battling), the one that struck me the most was "alone". Being alone greatly exacerbates your burden. Thank goodness you sought relief here. How timely and how needed has been the outpouring of empathy from so many GIC members! Moreover, theirs are words coming not just from caring individuals, but from the most credible voices available; namely, those who have actually been in your shoes and have experienced the same trauma and emotions. I see from your responses that you have already begun to benefit from their empathy and the "lifeline" provided. Five years ago, I was where you are now, alone and struggling after the loss of my wife, and had I known, I could have used their timely support. I recently found this site myself and was welcomed with the same warmth.

In my case, my wife was in her final days of cancer. I did not know that day would be her last day and that those would be our last moments together as she lay frail and helpless in our bed. As I lifted her from the bed to her wheelchair on that day, she took her last breath while cradled in my arms. I was devastated. Even now after five years, I cannot hold back my tears as I write these words. I could not accept that she had "died". Our lives had been intertwined for so many years, and she couldn't just suddenly be gone. I don't believe that we were created with such compassion that two souls can love and bond so deeply in life and then be cruelly ripped apart forever with death. We all wonder about spiritual life and heaven in some form or another. Some reject the concept all together, but most either embrace the concept completely or at least leave open the possibility. I am a person of great faith and believe that Janet and I will be reunited someday. I do not profess to understand why Janet had to suffer the ravages of cancer and ultimately be taken from me, but I do not have to face the doom inherent in "death". While I miss Janet to the depths of my being, the end of her natural life was the beginning of her spiritual life (I refer to 1 Corinthians 15:44,45 for those who have faith in Bible scriptures), and I can survive my sadness knowing that we will meet again. Whatever your beliefs are, Sue, I wish you the best in your path forward. Jeff.

 

Jeff, thank you so much! Your message just moved me to tears, as I also believe that Dave and I will be re-united someday. Dave was diagnosed with cancer almost a year ago and sailed through chemo. We believe all was better when he got that virus and died 4 days later also with me with my hands on his face..I was still hoping he was not dead as I ran around to phone the ambulance and still attempted cpr..I could just not accept it. I believed that when I prayed and fasted I heard that he would be healed and I have questioned God so many times as to why I could understand Him so wrong and what else am I them getting wrong. I am still slowly working through this with Him but I felt that because I believed in Dave's healing I became his cheerleader and made his road easier because I stayed positive. Well that was definitely only with help from above as you know how devastating that diagnosis is. There are so many people unhappily married that grow old together and we lose our soulmates and love of our lives, but then I have to think about that and be truly grateful for having this amazingly special human being in my life. I realize that, but it does not make it easier. My emotions still goes through 1000 changes and ups and downs during the day and how I will make it to 5 weeks never mind 5 years I cannot even fathom. The kindness I have been shown on this group from others like you who knows what this feels like, this one knowledge that we hope to never gain, is absolutely amazing and keep me going every day. I am so grateful for this group and every special member on here who reached out to me in kindness. It is good to share, but also to know there are still kindness out there. Thank you and may you truly experience peace in knowing you did the best for your beloved until the end.
Sue

 

Thank you for your kind words, Robin, I really felt your pain in your vivid description of your Ron's last days. It's so hard, I know, the human mind stores these memories in a way that they just dominate our lives.
That picture is a spectatular sight! Although, I'm sure all that smoke was absolutely terrible to cope with, I hope it's all over now.
That amphitheater near the ocean sounds wonderful, the concert we're going to, will take place in the Ancient Roman theatre in our nearby town, where they host many summer concerts, and where recently, new Roman relics have been discovered in the nearby archeological site.
The sunshine's back, thank God, rain has stopped. I hope it will last!

Wishing you lots of sunny, warm days and long, relaxing, stress-releasing beach walks.
Rose

 

Rose the theater you’ll be attending sounds magnificent. And so happy to hear the great news that the sun is finally back. I hope it lasts for you too. The beach we take my daughters car on just gave notice that it’s closed because of nesting piping plovers, they are on the endangered list. Last year they were closed most of the summer. We might stop buying that pass even though we love it and it’s so helpful to me because walking on the beach is difficult for me. I’m seeing that most beaches are closed for the plovers. I understand but it’s upsetting. I’m hoping to relax some today. Father’s Day was emotional as always but we also had to make an emergency veterinarian visit to make things worse. My daughters dog got into trouble and we had to get him to the vet. He’s wearing a bandage and a cone and really sulking but on the mend now.
I hope you’re enjoying more sunshine today.
Robin

 

Robin,

I hope your daughter's dog is feeling a little bit better tonight... It's so over the top heartbreaking whenever one of our fur babies is injured and/or in pain...

I hope you find a beach that isn't closed with easy access, so you can enjoy the ocean... The ocean, just as it is for you and Lou, is my very favorite place on earth. Although it's so over the top bittersweet, I always feel Bob's presence the most when I'm near the water.

Sending you and your much loved furry family members, lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye

 

Robin, sending well wishes for your daughter's dog, I know how heartbreaking it is to see our lovely pets suffering. I'm sorry about your favourite beach being closed, hope you and your daughter find another one nearby.
Robin, I understand about Father's Day, we just get through this special day (which was in March, here) by treating it like any other day, these special days hurt so much.

Sharing sunshine with you.
Take care.
Rose

 

Rose thank you so much! This poor little guy, Slinky, was playing in my yard with with my guy, Teddy. He went under some bushes that he always goes under but got tangled with thorns from something. His ear caught a thorn and made a little slash across a vein. Bled profusely. Just got back from a recheck. When he shook he started bleeding again. All wrapped up again. He’s unhappy and has become a professional sulker. Happening on Father’s Day didn’t help matters. We were already pretty emotional. We were trying for a calm relaxing day. We’ll get past it, Slinky will heal. Deep breathes. Everything seems bigger, worse now.
Thank you so much for your well wishes and concern.
Robin

 

Thank you Deb, it is heartbreaking to see our little fur babies getting hurt I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much blood, we couldn’t even figure where he was bleeding from it looked like everywhere. My daughter and I were covered in blood we got him as stable as possible wrapped him in a towel and got him to the vet and now like I told Rose he’s sulking he’s so unhappy with so much gear to protect his cut and stitches.

I do know that you have the same love for the beach as Lou and I do and I know it’s also bittersweet, it is for me too but for whatever reason I am able to go and feel at peace maybe because I feel Ron‘s presence. Like you feel Bob’s. We’ve researched and most outer beaches are closed for the birds nesting, the ones that aren’t closed don’t allow vehicle access. We’ll figure it out and get to the beach somehow.
Thank you so much Deb for all your support.
Robin, Teddy and Slinky

 

Your words touched me ... Lost my husband, John to cancer. He failed chemo and nothing could be done to save him. 5-1/2 months was all he had. His cremated remains are here in a special urn. He was only 71 and my rock. Life doesn't seem to matter much anymore. My heart breaks for you.

 

Hi Kathleen thank you for your kind words and I am so sorry for the loss of your John. Sounds like you had the same special relationship that Dave and I had. If ever you want to talk feel free to send me a message. God bless you and take care of yourself.
Suretha

 

Kathleen, I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your husband. I lost my wife to cancer at her age of 66, and she was what made my life worth living. As you said, at the time my life didn't seem to matter much anymore either. I wish I could give you some meaningful suggestions on what to do next, but the path ahead for you has no easy answers. Your emotions will be all over the place for some time. Don't hold yourself to any "standards" of behavior. If anyone has a right to express their emotions, it is you. How can you or anyone else expect you to react after such a life-changing tragedy? Your true friends and family will understand your grief, and even your anger. I know how painful and unpredictable the times ahead will be, but after however long it takes, there will be meaningful life ahead. You can rightly say to yourself that it is easy for this guy to offer encouragement. He isn't the one in such pain, but I once was. A broken heart may not completely heal, but it will still go on beating and make life worthwhile. Jeff.