Decades later... I remain unwhole.

I lost my father when I was 6 yrs old and probably never successfully processed all the stages of grieving to fully process the vacancy that left in my childhood.

Most of the time I feel strong. Sometimes I perceive myself as stronger than others that never experienced that.

but other times I find myself existing, still a little boy, scared of a big world with harsh realities, and without my hero and protector.

This reality has made me very good at some things, but very bad at emotional intimacy.

And tools like this connection site, did not exist at that time.

I wish I had had resources like this as a kid, or even a teen, or even a teen, or even a newlywed, or a divorcee because my wife found my walls unbearable.

So, thank you, to all of you for creating this, contributing to this, and being here to give survivors a place to express themselves. Maybe in the future fewer of us will be chronically broken, and faking it, as I have for most of my life.

 

I was an adult when I lost my dad but he was my best friend and I have never gotten over it. I understand you feeling broken. I do too

 

I can identify with your feeling broken and faking it for the rest of your life.
I think we didn't realize that people would only give us so much time to grieve and then they expect us to 'get over it' and go on. They don't realize this is not something a person gets over.
My advice to others is, I guess, when you first lose someone you love take that opportunity to grieve. When people ask how you are doing, be honest and tell them you are still struggling. Even though that is probably not the answer they wanted to their question, it is the only chance you will get to express how difficult it is for you. If they have suffered the loss of someone very dear to them, they will understand. If they have not suffered this kind of loss, then just understand that they really can't understand what we are going through. Only someone who has suffered that pain can really realize the heaviness of that sorrow.
Regarding emotional intimacy, it is so hard to go on knowing our life will always be without that person we love so much. Maybe it is a fear of losing someone else that makes you feel so guarded with your feelings. Of course, we never want to get deeply connected to someone because there is always a chance we could lose them too; nevertheless, in order to continue on we have t0 accept that as a risk.
May God send healing that only He can give.
Chris
I am sorry for your loss.