I am 20 years old, male, and have always lived in california. I met Alo my sophomore year of high school and I didn't really ever think about her at all in any way other than just someone I knew. Life went on and it wasn't until our senior year where I would run into her again at a party and it was an immediete attraction to everything about her as well as everything that made her the amazing person that she was. Especially the way she carried herself because it was unlike anyone I've ever truly got to meet. We ended up getting in a relationship with each other in February of 2022 and I would see or talk to her everyday until she unfortunately passed away. It wasn't a perfect relationship but there was never a doubt in my mind that I genuinely found someone I could confide in and tell everything about me. I was more comfortable talking to her than I was talking to my parents, which meant she knew more about me than my anyone on the planet. It was nothing short of amazing. Even when we'd argue, I was never able to stay mad at her. 1, because she was genuinely beautiful and was way out of my league. 2, because there was nothing anyone could say to me because I had her by my side and that was ok to me. She would quickly become my everything. Stuff happened with her parents and she was kinda over it so she moved in with me and my family. While living with me she would commute everyday to work in a town give or take 45 mins away. While her and I lived together, we were kind of in a rough patch with each other and were not in a relationship. However, I had been with her for almost 3 years and known her for 5 at that point so it was pretty clear it was just a matter of time before we got together again. Or atleast that is what her and I both believed :/ Alo always woke up way earlier than I did so I didn't get to say bye to her on that day in October which was normal so I thought nothing of it when I woke up and she wasn't there. It was also my moms 40th bday so I was in a good mood as I had plans with her and my family that day and Alo had plans with her friends that night so everything was all good. While I was getting my morning started to get ready for work, my mom sends me a text to check in on Alo becasue there was a car crash on her way to work. This was also normal because the road she takes to work is a pretty busy highway so there are accidents on it almost every week. So I texted her, waited a while, nothing. Text again.... still nothing. So I call, still nothing. I start thinking like "Damn, I got blocked again." It's not until her mom calls me that I start panicking. Her mom asks if she was at my place because she didn't make it to work. At this point I was already blowing up her phone with my phone as well as my moms, brothers and my dads. Using iMessage, Instagram, Snapchat, WhatsApp, literally everything I could use to try to get ahold of her yet still nothing and all the calls are going straight to voicemail. I'm literally losing my mind and start crying. I start pacing in my room running through all the possibilities of what could happen. As time passes, hope fades and reality of what happened starts blinding me and it breaks me. I start calling every local hospital just to see if she was there yet still nothing. A little later my mom and I attempt to GO to the site of the crash because nothing was being said online. What online reports were saying is that the road is blocked off and nobody can enter. Insane. So when my mom and I get to as far as we can go we start asking the officer questions and all of his answers about the crash, who was involved, the color of the car involved and everything related to the crash. All details matching those of Alo's car and who she was. The officer didn't give a name but based off my reaction could tell she meant a lot to me. I lost my best friend/girlfriend/therapist/#1 supporter all in one day to a car crash on her way to work. And I didn't even get to say bye. It's just not fair. It's now been 5 months since then and I feel like time is moving fast yet slow at the same time. Like how has it been 5 months since she has past if I feel like I'm still feeling stuck in that awful day? I was in a tech internship for web development at the time and I really liked it. After she passed, I stopped going to all meetings and was a complete ghost in all of the work discords we used for projects and assignments. It was good money too. However, I essentially quit before the internship ended because I couuldn't do anything. Around December, I moved out of my parents house with my friends to try and distract myself. It hasn't helped clearly because I am writing this. I doubt anyone will read this; however, the only person I feel like I can talk to about this is my mom which is amazing. I just wish I could talk to Alo as well. I feel completey alone even though I am living with my friends. I am dead broke. I am unhappy because of my negative outlook on life. I don't want to continue hurting. This is my first time fully reliving that day and it was really hard for me to do. It's my 21st bday next month and it's going to feel wrong celebrating without her as it has been for the past 5 months. I still love her and the thought of another relationship disgusts and scares me. "Forever & Always" </3
er1c.l, I read your post and am so pleased that you were able to share your grief with me and others. Your story is rich and very moving. I dare to say that I perhaps understand something of the complicated, complex, sometimes difficult, and profound relationship you shared with Alo. Your story reminds me of the earlier times in my relationship: often rich and fulfilling while seldom easy, we soon knew each other in a way no other had, and gave up any doubt that we belonged together. We knew it was the depth and importance of the relationship and our own personal growth that sometimes made things difficult. I lost her very unexpectedly six months ago. I am luckier than you in that our longer years together leave me many signs and tokens of our special relationship. But, as in our case, I believe that, just as your relationship with Alo survived the rough patches and deepened, Alo's gift to you is still with you, inside you, giving you strength to live, after this terrible accident. Over time, you will leave the terror and anxiety of that day beside the path, and hold tight to your certain confidence in the relationship of mutual support you obviously shared with her. You may need to find time to celebrate quietly, tearfully, with your memories of one who would celebrate your 21st with great joy. Perhaps then you can join with others who want to wish you a happy birthday, as I do. Bill
