5 weeks in an can't face the days

Welcome Hbaj1. I sorry for the loss of your husband. My name is Gary and I lost my girlfriend Cheryl 15 months ago suddenly and unexpectedly to a cardiac arrest. Loss of spouse definitely rocks our world. I heard of the book you mentioned in my in person grief support meeting but I haven’t read it. Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba is my go to read when I feel that Cheryl is gone forever. Permission to Mourn encourages letting the grief bubble out of us and belief in the supernatural and communication with our beloved in the afterlife. I have to nurture that and have at least one person I can talk to about my grief intimately. Other wise I live a very lonely miserable life. Today was a really good day. I spent more time outside than any other day of the summer. I toted water for the new forsythia bushes and watered flowers. I briefly practiced some mindfulness and listened to the birds and distant sounds. Besides the book Lou mentioned I’ve read Becoming Radiant, The Long Road Back, Radical Acceptance, Gifts of Imperfection, Invisible Ink, and Conquest of Mind. I’ve been to 2 different therapists and started volunteering. But GIC has provided me with regular routine support, direction, different strategies for coping, and fellowship. People here genuinely care about each other. I’m glad you are here. Take advantage of the site and start talking about what is bothering you when you are comfortable with it. You are a warrior too and belong here. Gary

 

Excellent warm words of greeting to a
potential new member, Gary. I did some
research and found that she is a widow,
younger than I am, from outside the U.S.
As I always do, I asked her name and that
of her husband's. I forgot to ask what
country she lives in. I've found that it
shows the uniqueness of all TGW. I like
to hear of your life in Indiana. and Deb's
life in South Carolina, for example, and
"talk" about my daily life on the northern
coast of Massachusetts, and what the sea
means to me. Linda & I had to work &
live inland for many years, but always felt
like fish out of water. We took weekend
getaways and vacations in other New
England states, before we retired and
moved to where Linda grew up. Lou

 

Hoyt and I were married for 37 years, in the last 5 years he began losing his eyesight and becoming more frail.
He was 83 years old. For the last 5 years of his life as he became more dependant on me, my life revolved more and more around his needs. Now I am trying to find the balance….
Barb

 

Barb, I just completed hospice volunteer training and learned how stressful being a caregiver is. A lot of times the caregiver dies before the patient because of the stress. I was traumatized when Cheryl died because there were no warning signs and Cheryl had no known health issues. I spiraled down for 3 months and thought I was having a nervous break down at the same time I was attending grief meetings and therapy. After I started communicating with GIC (the grief warriors) I felt a continuous connection of a community of people who were going through the same thing as I. I no longer felt so alone. Check out the site Centerforloss.com. Some of their information is free. Read 6 Needs of the Mourner. This an overview how grief effects us and others. This site also has a daily grief devotion. You have to sign up for it though. My computer was sending the devotions to my junk folder until I labeled them not junk and get them regularly now. Almost every one on GIC reads the devotions. And sometimes it starts a topic we share about. In the article 6 Needs of the Mourner is strongly suggests we be very kind and gentle to ourselves. I feel this is the most important thing being kind and gentle with ourselves. Please be very gentle and kind to yourself. Gary

 

After caregiving for so many years, it seems foreign and self centred to be kind and gentle to myself, but I realize I do need to give myself time to heal.
Barb

 

I told my therapist Laura who I refer to as my healer that when I started to feel a little better I thought that was being disloyal to Cheryl. Laura said that is called recovery guilt. Grief changes it’s testimony towards us which is very confusing. Tom Zuba the author of Permission to Mourn and Becoming Radiant has YouTube videos that are very helpful. Kristin Neff has Self Compassion audios also. The 5 minute one is my favorite. Today wasn’t as enjoyable as yesterday but I will keep on trucking. A cardinal is in the tree next to me 30 feet away serenading me now. I feel Cheryl’s presence. Life is good again. Gary

 

Barb, thank you for being brave to say
your name, and Hoyt's. Bc he was older
than you, there was more of a chance that
he would die before you, but that doesn't
make it any easier. 37 years of marriage
is a long time. It is said that women usually
live longer than men, but that's a
meaningless statistic for me. Gary's
soulmate, Cheryl, George's wife, Valerie,
Chad's wife, Lizzy, and my wife, Linda,
died before us. When Linda died in front
of me, I didn't care if I lived or died. But,
I remember a talk Linda had with me
when she became ill. She made me promise to try to be healthy, and even
happy, if anything happened to her. She
even went so far as saying she wanted me
to find another woman. I was angry to
hear that. But, just to tease me, she said ,
"WELL, if anything happened to YOU, I
would find another man!". We both laughed. I'm not actively seeking another
woman, and I like the quiet of my
apartment , and freedom to come & go.
But.... If a woman came along, and had her
own place, I could see myself taking walks
with her, sharing a meal, a laugh, and yes,
maybe even a hug. No woman will ever
replace Linda in my mind and heart, but
I don't think I want to be alone forever.
I see that you have many outdoor
interests like I do. Do you mind saying
in what country you live? Rose is the only
member , do far, who lives outside the
U.S, I like her stories of her daily life in
the countryside of Italy. Lou

 

Karen, did a typo, by mistake, just for you!
" do far", instead of so far. I caught it this
morning, when I saw that you & Gary
put a LIKE on my reply to Barb. I hope
she will see this post. I asked her in what
country she lives, bc I enjoy hearing about
Rose's daily life in the countryside of
Italy. I hope Rose responds to my post,
too! Perfect, sunny , 80 degree day here,
so I'm enjoying the moment , as Dr.
Wolfelt urges us to do. Hope your
weather is good, too. Lou

 

Ops! didn't catch this, I must of been sleepy at the time, excuses, excuses. Yes, Rose is do far our of US.

 

Hot here as usual for August which makes me inside with the a/c too much housebound. Nice weather for you.

I'm having a bit of feeling sorry for myself. My sister and husband are moving to Henderson NV. I'm feeling a loss again and I don't like it. The have been only 2hrs from me and we visited often. I'm very close to her. Another hole in my heart. Jack's birthday is Saturday, I'm a wreck again. I had a life now it's over.

 

Out, not our. I must be slipping. I know you will catch this.

 

Hello Lou, thank you for mentioning me and saying you like my posts about the countryside I live in. As you have heard, in another post, I'm going through a rough time coming to terms with the sudden tragic loss of one of our cats. It is so heartbreaking for us, just can't even think about it right now.
I'm glad you're enjoying your warm sunny day, we've been having such an unusual August, rain storms almost every afternoon, calmed down a bit now. After a July heatwave, drought, now it's the other way round. Too much rain, not enough sun! The weather has changed so much here during the past few years, I remember when we never ever saw even one drop of rain for three long summer months!

Hi Karen, I understand how you're feeling, during this month I had my darling C's birthday first, than our wedding anniversary, and then my birthday. Two years ago, we had celebrated our silver wedding anniversary(never would have thought in a million years it would be our last). I have our photo of that day sitting on my bedside table, I just can't look at it. I give it a quick glance and that's it, this reaction doesn't seem normal to me, but it's probably because I simply haven't accepted that he is no longer part of of my life. It's all still so surreal.

Sending you all hugs.
Rose.

 

Rose, your feelings are completely normal.
Our wedding photos are in my closet . It's
too difficult for me to look at them right
now. It's enough to know they are in a
safe place. Lou

 

Strange, Karen, but I have a bad memory
of Henderson. As you know, in a happier
time when Linda & I had money, we
flew to Las Vegas and had a beautiful,
simple wedding ceremony in an Island
Chapel ( no longer there). Years later,
after health scares and bad financial
decisions, we drove cross country and
lived in our cars. When we arrived in
Henderson, the police were cracking
down hard on homeless people,
living in their cars. We were treated like
criminals. Thank God, we ended up with
some money & could move to my
forever home by the sea. I'm grateful
Linda was able to see it. I am so sorry
about your double whammy: Jack's sad
anniversary, and your sister's move. I
hope your pet can provide you with
some laughs and unconditional love. Lou

 

Karen, you get a pass, bc you're having
a rough time right now. You've done the
same for me..... Lou

 

Yeah, rough time. When do we look forward instead of backwards? This grief journey is the pits, it keeps changing it's course. Too many detours on the road to healing.
I'm glad I have all you warriors to complain to. I have two people who lost their husbands recently and don't want to talk about it, so I don't share with them. But, here I am with all of you. Thanks for being my buddies. Karen

 

Remember , Karen, why I came up with
The Grief Warriors ( TGW). It's because
we leave no one on the battlefield of
grief. You came up with Mr. Grief , who
can knock on our door anytime, and we
have to let him in. Lou

 

Hi Karen. I’m sorry to hear your sister is moving further away. It is a loss of nearness to her. My brother Mark stays in a campground 15 minutes from me from April to November. I really appreciate his company and we may only get together once a week. It does bother me when Mark returns to Florida in the fall. Mark would help me anyway he could and his presence gives comfort and encouragement. We went for a bike ride yesterday on The Fishing Line Trail near the Gene Stratton Historical Site. Usually we would compete with each other. But yesterday we rode beside each other the entire trip. Why is it people are so distant from each other that are our friends and family and we meet people on GIC that tell us about their whole lives and we really connect? My strength is coming back and I was able to scrape some exterior wood that needs painting today and I’ll paint some tomorrow. The bats just made their rounds through the yard and the stars are coming out. Keep on trucking Karen. You are a warrior. Gary

 

Thank you Gary, I know, as we all know......loss of nearness. I guess we should relish our time with our friends and family like you with your brother, Mark, even for a short time.
We are not promised anything in life, we must endure what comes along and keep truckin. I don't have bats, but I do like seeing them. K

 

Hey, Karen! You never commented on my
terrible Henderson , Nevada story. My
biggest anger toward Mr. Grief is my own
guilt about not doing things differently---
BEFORE Linda became ill. I try to remember the good times, Karen, but, in
fact, there were a lot of bad decisions we
made, which made our lives more
difficult. Since I can't do a do over, I try to
move forward with new friends, who
Linda never had a chance to meet, but
would have loved, and vice versa. Lou