My ex boyfriend was murdered and we still had complicated love for each other

My ex boyfriend was murdered.

He was my first ever boyfriend. He was the first guy I’ve ever even held hands with. He lived one hour away from me but would pick me up in his fishbowl car and we would spend the day in one of our hometowns. We would go to school together, go to the movies, explore abandoned areas, play basketball, go thrifting, eat at the same gas station Mexican restaurant, go to car shows, go to the park, go to the record stores.

We had our problems and I would cry all the time and I was afraid of him at times. He told me he liked that I was scared of him.

He abruptly had to move states away against his wishes and we were both devastated. We tried long distance but the problems we had were becoming unmanageable and I began having panic attacks every day. I was so scared but I also loved him with my entire heart.

I broke up with him and he contacted me until the day he died. I even received calls from him after he died because he signed me up for a membership in the new state he was living in.

His parents told me he still loved me and I still love him. I am not only grieving my first love but I’m grieving who he could’ve been if he was healthy. I always just wanted him to get better so it could’ve been us together in the end.