My youngest son died from suicide on October 15,2023 at age 34. Now that it’s been 16& 1/2 months, my family exude to be over it & moving on. I’m finding this year harder than last. I have so many triggers and cry more often. I’m not sure why. The guilt is overwhelming & my family keeps telling me it’s not my fault. But I can’t help feeling there was something I should have or shouldn’t have done. No one seems to understand. I feel very isolated and misunderstood. Will this ever get better?
Hi I lost my son 37 heart attack and UTI this February 12th .He was a multiple handicap person from 9 months. I was his constant caregiver along with his mom. It was unexpected a shock. I'm the one who gave him CPR. I failed. I have found some consolation that at least I did the best I could have. He had a happy life and was loved completely. I just got on this site today and can't tell you much except you are not alone and you can forgive your self because you know you are worthy of that like my son would never blame me for this circumstance we always will love each other. You will heal in your own way God bless you
We also lost our youngest son age 28, as a result of suicide. I found the second year to be even worse than the first. I believe it is because the first year, whether you realize it or not, your mind is trying to deny that this awful tragedy even happened. The second year is even harder because it really sinks in that we can no longer see our son while we are here on this earth. I understand the isolated feeling you are experiencing. I felt it was because for everyone else life continued on, but for us it stopped the day our son died. No one who has not experienced this kind of shocking tragedy can really understand. You really can't expect understanding, just continue to tell them you are still trying to process what has happened and you are struggling. It doesn't matter what they think. Who is it in your family who expects you to get over it and move on? Someone close like husband or children? May God give you peace of mind, Chris
I lost my youngest son as well, to drugs, at age 27. He would be 33 on June 4th. It doesn't get easier but you do learn to live with it, kind of. You learn to live with it when you're around others. At least that's how it is for me. At home, when I'm alone .. I talk to him, I cry, I look at pictures. I do all those things that make other people uncomfortable. They tell me it's time to move on because they don't know what to say. I've told them what to say .. Say his name! Talk about him - anything! If you're really good at compartmentalizing you might be able to get through some days by putting your baby 'over there'. But I am sorry to say that, if anything, it gets harder because everything that you want to share with them is growing by the minute and you feel as if you might explode. The guilt? The what-if's? They will cripple you if you let them. Try to find a way to quiet that noise.
Thanks for posting. Means so much to hear from others who are this. It's been a half year. We're putting up a park bench. There were so many things we did together, that I associate with my son, and I find hard to do now. Thanks so much for responding.
I am so sorry that you're having to go through this, Leslie. I love that you're putting up a park bench, that is a great way to honor him and also you can go sit there and hopefully one day it will bring you peace. Did your son enjoy the park? I would love to hear about him if you'd like to tell me all the things that made him so wonderful, so loved, and so very missed. The day my child died, I became somebody new. A totally different person, someone I never knew. I am not who I used to be. I am definitely not the same. The only thing that hasn't changed, is the spelling of my name. I cry more than I ever did, I break down quite a lot. My heart hurts everyday, this pain just won't stop. A mother gives a child life, and a love unlike no other. When that is taken all away, she then becomes a grieving mother. --author unknown Sue
Take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself. You need all the support you can get. We are here for you. Chris
Hello, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and everyone who has lost their precious child. I lost my youngest son to cancer on June 24th of this year. As for myself I can say it doesn't get any better. The what-ifs, and going over things over and over in your head like a movie. Looking at your phone hoping to have a text or call. Looking in his room still hoping he might be there. The daily, I love you mom. How are you feeling today I miss so much. The kindness and joy they brought to our lives. Such a void in my life now. I cry daily. I too talk to my son everyday. I feel he is still with me. And I know he is heaven with our Lord. But my heart is heavy and I want him home with me again. Especially as Christmas is approaching. He shared with me my love for Christmas. He would decorate our home inside and out. It is so hard this year for me. How do we get through it ? He always said thank you mom for taking care of me. We thought he would beat the cancer. Thank you for listening. Sending Hugs and Peace to all Ann
The holidays and anniversaries are so hard because they hold so many memories. At the website GriefShare.org there are groups to participate in and also a session called Surviving the Holidays. You can check it out to see if any of it would be helpful for you, if you want. Hang onto hope. This is a difficult time to be without a child you loved so much. Chris
Thank you so much Chris, The memories are all we have to hold on to. Thank you for the website information. I am looking for support to make it through the holidays for my family. How have you coped with your loss? You are a kind and wise person. So helpful to everyone. Thank you for listening and sending love and hugs to you. Ann
Hello, I am grateful for this site to reach out and share our stories. After a loss of our loved ones, friends and family seem to forget us and our pain. We need that connection to vent with others feeling our loss. It is such a hard road we are on. The void in our lives. Kindness and understanding means so much. Thank you everyone for listening. Sending Peace and Hugs to all. Ann
Thank you for your kind words. I believe God directs what I write so if it is helpful to some I am very thankful. I have coped by depending on Jesus. I knew no one could help me, but I knew he was the only one who could. It was a very long, hard struggle trying to sort through so many feelings, forgiving the person I felt was a big part of the problem. Shawn had bipolar disorder and terrible mood swings. His personality was very sweet with me. Someone also thought he had autism, which might have been a correct diagnosis because he had such difficulty relating to people. I was really shocked when the school counselor told me this, because he had such a good vocabulary and we had such good times together. Guilt like to trouble me over and over again, not about Shawn, but about our other son who we have not heard from in 2 years. Regrets are a terrible part of life-try to avoid them at all costs. I don't want to discourage anyone, but I was a long time before being able to function 'normally' again. I was considering suicide myself at one time, but I knew it would be unacceptable to God because I did not have the mental problems Shawn did. I am trying to tell you how I coped since you asked, but all I can say is it was my faith in God all the time. I knew him well from reading the Bible and spending much time in prayer, so I knew He would help me. My recovery was probably longer than normal so judge your time by mine. I had no one to confide in except my husband and he could not stand to see me cry so he really couldn't be any help to me. I used to go into the closet to cry so he wouldn't see me. I depended on God alone to get me through the terrible struggle I had, and He did help me. He helped me to forgive also. I won't go into any more details right now because this is already long enough. Share your feelings here. We care and understand and it helps to talk things through because it at least gives a little organization in your mind to a devastating circustance. Ask questions. No questions are foolish. Some things that occur after a death like this seem crazy, but they are not. God bless you and keep you and cause His face to shine upon you. Chris
