It's been 18 months and still feels like a bad dream that will change in the light of day. My brother and I grew up in the same town, had our own families and careers but always knew the other was there. Special occasions and holidays, phone calls and texts keep us in touch but he worked out of town so often that it became the norm to not see him for weeks, even a month or 2 at a time. So when he unexpectedly became ill and passed away within a couple of days we were all in shock. Of course going through all of the necessary motions of funeral arrangements and aftercare for his wife and son, along with my grieving parents, I somehow lost myself and my grief. Months passed and numbness continued, my own family and career filled my days then covid hit and we found it necessary for me to resign and be at home with our youngest son during the academic season of his online school year. The struggle was enlightening, not just about how different the course of studies were going to be, but it also halted my denial. All of the sudden I realized that my brother wasn't just on a long extended work trip. He wasn't ever coming home. That knowledge impacted me way later than I suppose it should have and my grieving seemed to be far more delayed than even I knew. Needless to say I've been struggling. At this point, I feel that there is no one else to share my grief, even within the entire past 18 months no one (except my husband and children) has even asked "how are you doing, I know you must be hurting too?" Is that selfish of me? Probably so, and I sincerely don't want to come across that way. Yet sometimes I want to scream in anger, more accurately it's frustration, what about me?!? He was MY BROTHER. Of course, the focus should've been and remains on my parents and his wife and son, but I also want people to know and remember he was a brother too. My only brother, first friend, my lifelong, ride or die friend...and that seems lost. Learning to cope and grieve, albeit late has been tough and in small steps but I must because the anger needs to pass! Often I wonder if I'm reacting normally or if I'm selfish for aching for that acknowledgement of losing a sibling. ugh...I wonder lots of things. Never will I voice my sadness over that, nor will I ask for support from the others that suffer in grief over losing him too, so I am grateful that this forum exists in order to purge some of the pent up emotions that have no where else to go. As with every prayer said in our family, it is mentioned how we all miss him and what a wonderful "son, husband, father, and friend he was "...In my mind I always silently add..."and Brother."
Hi, Christi. I'm sorry no one has responded back to you just yet, so I will. I'm so sorry about your brother....he sounded like a good one, and I know something about that, because I lost a good brother, too. It's been over a year for me, too. You have every right to feel bad about your loss....losing the person who grew up with you, shared so much with, and tried to have your back as much as possible is a HUGE thing. From all the grief sites I've been on, it sounds like how you're feeling is normal. I wouldn't worry about that part....it's just getting through it OK...that's what can be hard. From what I'm reading on different sites, a lot of people feel that sibling loss isn't acknowledged as much or taken as seriously as other kinds of loss. I feel that way myself sometimes, too. I don't know if you've considered any online (or in-person) grief support groups....I think this site offers some (groups for "general" loss...spouse, sibling, etc.) I have participated in a program called Griefshare....it was weird for me, because I'm Jewish and it's a church-based way of looking at things....but my people don't offer a lot in this area. A lot of it was helpful to me, even so...if you at least believe in God, it can be helpful in a lot of ways. It's a thirteen-week program...many online groups still, I think, and it's free except for the price of the workbook, which is about fifteen dollars. They meet once a week (I went, online.) They talk about a chapter from the book and video that's assigned....everyone in the videos has lost someone, even the counselors or pastors. That helped. Then the group talks about their own experiences, and what they're going through.....anyone can come, no matter who they lost. The people in the group I was in were really nice....the moderators have lost people, too. It helps to actually hear other's stories, and to share your own--but you aren't even obligated to talk, if you don't want to. The book covers things like anger, guilt, why did this happen.....I still read the book... Another group that could be helpful is Grief Anonymous...they also have meetings online (I've only listened in on one--it looked OK.) It's free....they have different Facebook pages for different kinds of grief....one is Loss of a Sibling....and there's the general "Family" one, too. I'm in both....some real nice people, on those pages, who post and understand. Grief specialist David Kessler also has a Facebook page called Grief: Releasing Pain, Remembering Love & Finding Meaning....it's very active; a lot of supportive people posting over there all day and night....it's free to sign up...I go there a lot, too, to just learn from others and get some support, too. I go a lot of places for grief support, because losing my brother has been SO hard...he was my last immediate relative, and I don't have good health, myself, so that makes it harder....I know there are actual grief counselors, too, but these groups might be a good place for you to start, in getting the extra support and understanding that you need and DESERVE. My best to you.......Sally D.
Hi Christi - I'm so sorry for your loss. My sister was my best friend, and I lost her suddenly in April. I can relate to you when you say that sibling loss is minimized. Everyone always asks how parents are, of family is handling the loss. I wanted to recommend a book that I read that I found helpful. It's called, "Surviving the Death of a Sibling" by T.J. Wray - this book has many stories of people who have lost a sibling, and ways to cope. I shared it with my brothers after we loss our only sister. Sending you all my love, strength, and I hope you're doing as great as you can. Reminder that you're not alone.
I can relate somewhat. I have not lost my brother but fear I will I’m also living in the fear of losing him in this anticipatory grief. the reasons are many and I will delve in later. apparently, I handled the loss of my parents better than I’m handling this. the fact that he is thousands of miles away in India while I’m in USA makes it worse as the guilt of leaving my family haunts me. my whole family collapsed after I left for reasons I still don’t understand. I listen to Eckhart Tolle who mentions awareness or consciousness. ok I’m aware of my fear my sadness my grief and my guilt. I do my best not to over think but a lot of times it doesn’t work. I have a partner who is now so involved in her own affairs and doesn’t even believe my issues are real it’s useless to talk to here. the sense of being alone in this money and power obsessed cruel world where love and emotions seem to have disappeared is crippling and while I’m standing I’m weaker and going on will power alone. I like this forum where at least we can express our grief and other emotions and kind people and moderatrtor reply. I am with everyone who is grieving in any form.
Hi. I'm glad you are posting here, because it really does seem like you need some support. I hope others will come on here, too, and offer you some encouragement. I've been in enough grief support groups to let you know that your feelings are valid, even though your partner doesn't seem to care about them. Yes, it's important that you do find places like this, where people actually care and can give you support. I know they have some online meetings here that you could attend online, or there are other sites with groups available, and there is one-on-one grief counseling, too. There may be some local grief support groups for you, too. Hospital social workers might know...you could call a local one and ask. There's a grief support group I'm in online, too, with grief specialist David Kessler....his website is grief.com and I think he has some free videos on there, plus on You Tube. His website talks about his grief support online group, too. He recently started letting in people going through anticipatory grief, so it might be something to check out, too. I would definitely get some extra help in some way, maybe even just more than writing on here. It sounds like a lot you are going through, and in these groups and/ or counseling sessions, they do try to give you ways to cope with things better. And that isn't a sign of weakness to say you need some help; these groups always say it's a sign of strength. So, I'll go with that. With the loss of my brother, I needed all the help I could get....and it's still helps me to get support now, too. As far as your whole family seeming to collapse after you left, I doubt it was all your fault or anything....we can't control everything. I wish we could! Anyway, I hope some others come on here to give you some support. I wanted to at least give mine, anyway.
thank you for the kind words. much appreciated. i looked into things but everyone asks for money which is scarce. helping people grieving should be a calling not a business. for the moment i will stay with this forum because it has kind people like you who give me strength. the website you mentioned neds money as do many others that is defeating the purpose
Hi again. Like you, money is really tight for me, as well. I wanted you to know that David Kessler's site will most likely give you free membership for awhile if you write them at info@grief.com and explain your situation a little, and that money is scarce. I did this, and they let me in for over a year for free. It probably would've gone longer if I hadn't gotten extra sick and had to go to hospital and acute care for about a month. I think they saw I wasn't logging in, so they dropped me. But I wrote them when I got a little better, and I asked if they could at least give me a discount or something because I wanted to come back. They did, and that's why I can still be in it. Kessler always says he never wants to turn away anyone who needs help for lack of money, so he does mention fairly often that if you know of someone who needs help and they can't afford his Tender Hearts group, then to let them know to write him at info@grief.com and explain, and they should let you in at no charge....at least for a good while, as they did with me. You have nothing to lose by writing them, and since he does talk a fair amount about anticipatory grief with people in the group, it could be worth a shot for you to try. And of course, this forum is good, too!
