Widowed & Alone

I met my husband in my early forties. I had no idea what true love felt like until him. He was my best friend. We were convinced our relationship was blessed by God. He was everything I dreamed he’d be minus the ability to spin a story out of this world. It was so fairytale. He passed suddenly this past April and I’ve barely been able to breathe.

I am an introvert. All our friends were couples which makes every encounter feel awkward. My son is 29 and lives an hour away and my bonus daughter, who I saw and/or spoke to weekly, I barely have contact with. We have 2 dogs (shih tzu & rottweiller) and they are the reason I actually get out of bed. Apparently they must be fed and taken out multiple times a day.

I’m not working right now. My husband worked for ATT for 25 years. I’ve lead a few small college campuses. We were both passionate individuals and barely putting a dent in our life plans. A year before he passed I resigned my job to work on our small business. A plan we’d been working on in order to live the life we wanted to live. It was exciting, scary, invigorating, nerve wracking and rewarding all at the same time.

I won’t get into details of my background but let’s just say, I survived the odds. A few times over. I once was one of the strongest individuals anyone could imagine. Now, it’s all I can do to not just remember to brush my teeth but actually complete the task.

As with everyone else, I am learning how to live in my new reality. The heath care system for grief is atrocious. The lack of resources, the lack of support, the lack of absolutely anything is astounding to me. I just want to be able to go to a place with like minded individuals. I don’t want to have to endlessly search the internet hoping for legit groups and having to explain my story over and over again. This is nuts! I always thought suicide was selfish. Boy was I naive. The mental strength needed to survive this type of pain is unfathomable. Therapy for me is a must.

They say….. They say, try not to make any big decisions. How is that possible? Decisions both big and small are needed. You cannot escape them. They say, lean into faith. I pray and I talk to God but my soul is on life support and I am numb. Also, if I’m being completely honest, I am angry - with God. I mean Jesus, haven’t I been through enough already?! So, there’s that.

I don’t know why I wrote any of this. Just one of those days I guess.

Stay strong everyone. XO

 

Thank you for sharing. It's okay to be angry with God and Life. I am glad you have those dogs. Similar dog helped my dog when he had interferon for the liver, the treatment makes people suicidal. The dog kept him moving / going.

For myself, when I contemplated suicide, I went to therapy and I found a group that just listened to me, but that was many years ago in college which is easier to meet people. If I lost my partner now, I am not sure what group Id seek out.. might get active in alumni groups, church etc

Peace to you

 

Correction, the dog helped my father, not my dog.

 

Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story. Like you, therapy has been a must for me. It was only two weeks after my Edward passed that I was fortunate to get a spot in a local hospice grief support group. That action at least got me into a place of moving forward very slowly. I ended up participating in two 12 week session groups, and I've since moved into individual therapy through that same hospice program. It hasn't been perfect however it's provided a frame work for me to at least take a step back and get an objective sense about myself and baby step progress.

Even with the amount of therapy I've received nothing can curtail the daily grip of grief. Some days it's so bad I'm doubled over in pain and agony. Other days, when I allow myself to make a conscious connection with him, I can breathe knowing that a higher power has a purpose that I simply cannot understand.

Try to stay close to the things that bring you comfort, and avoid things and people that bring confusion, disappointment, and pain. Keep breathing. Keep sharing your story, this is a good place to do that. We're all sharing the same miserable existence in this club of a loss that has devastated the lives we had.
Since I have no plans to find another partner, I will have to create an entirely new life plan devoid of all the plans Edward and I had for retirement.

I pray that you'll find some peace, somewhere, somehow...

~ Michael

 

I needed to read this, you always think you the only one.. I lost my husband at 44 on 6/3/25 we were together since 2014 and just like you lost your best friend suddenly so did I. I dont connect with anyone especially family or adult kids. Seeing everyone move on confuses me at times because something so tragic I feel all time should stop and it doesn't. As for God and Jesus my faith has been rocked to the core because I feel like yourself I've beaten the odds ALOT of times and then Im blessed with a man that pieces me together and shows me how to live not survive and all of a sudden hes taken from me and im back to be not broken but destroyed. I feel like the devil finally won.

 

I am sorry for your loss. We all are rocked to the core when someone we deeply love dies.
You have learned how to survive. Continue to use those skills you have been taught to help yourself during this very difficult time of life. You are not destroyed as long as you refuse to give up. You must hold onto hope. And even though you said your faith has been shaken by having the rug pulled out from under you, you can still ask God to help and He will. He still loves you and cares about you and wants to help you. He was my only hope when our son committed suicide. I didn't think I could go on even one day but I just kept waiting for God to help me get through the nightmare and He did.
Please try to read one of the Psalms to encourage yourself. The Bible tells us to encourage ourselves in the Lord. And when no one else will, we can still trust God's word to be true and His faithfulness to last forever.
I hope this might help you in some way, because I care about you. Please stay connected here with us. We understand the deep pain and heavy weight that losing someone we love brings with it.
May God bless you, strengthen you, and get you through this awful time in your life. You can make it. I have confidence in you.
Chris

 

Oh my. I could not identify more. My husband and I met in high school. We were together for 57 years. I consider myself an introvert as well. I have two sons and a great SIL but I am so alone too. I have two large dogs which like yours get me out of bed. Life seems so pointless and I have minor but troublesome medical issues. Therapists help a little. Group sessions haven’t really been available. It’s been nine months and seems to get worse daily. I have lost a lot of weight and cannot get much sleep. I wonder how to even consider anything positive ahead.

 

I am sorry for your loss and your pain.
I want to thank you for expressing that you thought suicide was selfish until you suffered such deep pain yourself that it seems unbearable. This is what happens. Someone is in the deepest pain imaginable, they lose hope, and see suicide as the only way out of the pain. To anyone considering this, please hold on and just keep walking one step at a time. No one can know how devastating a suicide in the family can be until they have gone through it themselves. Seek out someone who will listen to you and know also that God's help is always available. He says He won't allow more than we can bear. I have found this to be true. When I thought I couldn't go even one day, Jesus had to carry me. In this kind of situation we learn just how strong, faithful, loving, and patient God can be. He cares about us. We may not understand but we can always seek God for an answer. When I was in therapy one day I said, "I am not mad at God. I just wonder why He allowed it to happen this way." My counselor told me we don't always get an answer to our questions, but he stopped to pray with me and as we prayed God answere. He brought to my remembrance that even Jesus said isn't there some other way? but if there isn't I am willing to go through the suffering. It looked like a disaster, but all along it was our only means to be reconciled to God.
The day our son died I remember setting my hair in curlers before work and thinking that maybe this disaster we in the middle of could have a purpose, just as Jesus's death had a purpose. God sees everything. We can only see a very small piece of the puzzle, but He sees how it all fits together. We can trust Him. He gave His life for us to show us how much He loves us. One day, if we still have questions, God will answer them all.
I pray you will continue walking one day at a time and you will see how God can bring you through something so painful that you never thought you could survive it.
We love you and care about you,
Chris
We are quick to judge even when we have no idea what we are talking about. Our son lost hope and we lost him.

 

I feel a good place to seek help and find people who have experienced the great loss you all have suffered is in the group,
GriefShare. If you look at their website you will see that they might have a group in you area, and if not, they have online groups that you can join.