When is it time

Discussion in 'Dating Again After the Loss of a Spouse/Partner' started by Andrea Howey, Sep 15, 2017.

  1. Andrea Howey

    Andrea Howey Member

    After 4yrs I have decided it was time to redo my bedroom . Turn it into my room , not mine and husbands room . But know the question is What do I do with my husbands stuff ? He doesn't need it no more , nor do I right ? When is it ok to be ok without his stuff . Do you pack it up and put it in the attic or throw it away or sell it in a rummage or donate it to your local Goodwill . Whats the right answer here , I have never been a widower before .
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Hi Andrea, I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here...although of course we always want to try and do the "right" thing. I think the "right" thing is whatever is right for you. Some people find the presence of clothes and belongings to be especially painful, while others are comforted by keeping these things for awhile. I think a balance is always a good idea when possible -picking out a few important things that really meant something and putting them someplace special, even on display or some place you can see them, and then donate the rest. Cleaning out is hard, and everything is going to take on its own important meaning once a loved one is gone. Try to think about what your loved one would say, what they would find important (or not so important) and in any way you can let them be your guide. I hope this is a help and I wish you all the best~
    Wanda and Dianne De Mott Levi like this.
  3. Wanda

    Wanda New Member

    I agree, I lost my husband just over a year ago...I have never been a widow before either but there is no time frame or rules on when or how you get rid of your loved ones belongings..that sort of thing you do when YOU feel you are ready, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Keep the things that you want to keep. Remember that he will ALWAYS be in your heart and always with you...that is something that I believe and hang onto. One day at a time..sometimes I do one minute at a time...its the only way I get through.
    griefic likes this.
  4. Andrea, no two people grieve the same way. It's a bit different for each of us because each of us are different. I lost my beautiful wife from BC 4 months ago at only age 52. It's so difficult at times there are just no words to adequately describe it. Some days are okay, not too emotional, others are terrible. It comes and goes, wave-like for many of us it seems. So yes, you have to do what you feel is "right' for you, when the time is right, no matter how long or even if ever. For myself, it helps to know that my wife would want me to go on and enjoy what's left of my life as much as possible. And I would think the same for her. Do what's best for you, and best wishes to you always of course.~
    griefic likes this.
  5. Linda Holst

    Linda Holst New Member

    After 10 months of dealing with the loss of my Steve to Lung Cancer, I realize that I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I miss having company and someone to do somple things with. I miss kisses and hugs and waking up with someone. I miss cooking dinner and talking over everyday events. I have no idea how to date or meet another man. I am 62 years old. I really want someone who is relatively healthy too. After watching Steve die 6 weels after diagnosis, I don't think I can watch another person die. I haven't a clue where this man is or if he exsists.
  6. Hi Linda, so very sorry for your loss as well. I feel the same as you. Carrie was very level-headed and emotionally stable. I consider myself to be the same, but losing a trusted spouse is cataclysmic on a number of levels, as you well know. At 60 and in good health, I know that I don't want to be alone forever either but the country and society have changed so much from when we were younger that it's a bit intimidating to even think about dating again. You never know what sort of person you'll meet out there and if they'll even be sane! LOL! Again, my condolences to you and yours, this is a 10 on the grief scale according to experts, and I always figured I'd go first. And my condolences to Wanda also, we are all "damaged goods" so to speak at this point, but hopefully we can recoup and it doesn't have to remain that way long-term. I'd like to be at least reasonably happy again as well. Peace.~
  7. Vana

    Vana Member

    Hi Linda,
    I know how you feel...
    I'm 64, my husband died in Jan. of a sudden massive heart attack. It's so lonely without him and I'm wondering if this is it.. Hope we both can figure it out.
    All the best, Vana
  8. Rob B

    Rob B New Member

    Hi everyone, I have just started to go through my wife's closet etc. It's been very rough and I can only do it for short periods before being overwhelmed. I started with clothes that I know she didn't like or never wore. Then some of her winter clothing that I donated to our local community charity. That made sense because Cheryl was always helping others and donating time and whatever was needed. What I cannot yet get rid of is any of her favourite clothes e.g ones that she was wearing in pictures I have of her. Nor have I been able to remove her personal items. I still have her night gown with me at nights and usually hang on to it while sleeping (like a security blanket).
  9. Wanda

    Wanda New Member

    Rob, there is no set timeline on how or when you start going through your spouse's belongings and decide what to keep and what not to keep. My husband died in my arms in august of 2016 and it is still hard at times. You do what is right for you when you are ready. Everybody is different and no two people grieve the same way.

    It wasn't until April of 2017 before I could even look in my husbands closet. Then I took a deep breath and took a few weeks to look at his clothes in the closet every day for weeks...then, like you, I donated the things he did not wear very often or did not wear at all. I gave some articles of clothing and belongings to family members and close friends who wanted a memento of him. I have kept a few pieces of clothing that were his favorites and I still have some of his t shirts that I wear to bed if I am having a really hard night. take your time and do what is right for you...nobody can tell you when or how.

    Take things one day at a time, sometimes even one minute at a time if you have to..that's how I did it and still do sometimes.

    Find someone who can make a "MEMORIAL CUSHION" from one or two of her shirts or blouses that she wore all the time, then you can always spray some of her favorite perfume on it and cuddle it when you need to.

    Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries...surround yourself with family & friends to help you through, don't be afraid to cry...men cry to..it does not make them weak..it shows a feeling of depth and caring...

    I have been lucky enough to receive "signs" from my husband after his death...I get a smell of his cologne in the air sometimes...I see him in my dreams when I need him...I have felt his kiss on my neck once or twice...I swear I have heard his voice calling my name as I woke up one morning...a favorite song on the radio when I am missing him...someone says a phrase that he ALWAYS used to say...the sound of something being dropped or moved in another room when there is no one there...I hope that you are open enough to experience signs from your wife as well.

    Take comfort in those signs when they happen...yes, some of them make me cry and I don't care if I am in public or not...let the tears flow..theses signs or triggers are healing and cleansing.

    Also remember that your wife will ALWAYS be with you, she is a part of you. Live your life the way you know she would want you to...she wouldn't want you to be sad or miserable...go on and live...learn to enjoy life again...and who knows...someday you may find another love....

    Try to keep busy and don't hesitate to find some grief counseling inf you need it, or even a friend who understands.. You can get past it...in your own way when you are ready..