Too many, too soon. Something's gotta give.

Discussion in 'Dealing With Multiple Losses' started by Baphomette, May 13, 2017.

  1. Baphomette

    Baphomette New Member

    Firat of all, reading others' stories on here has already been helpful. So, thank you and I hope we all finally find some comfort. I'm new here, just tonight. I have had a really rough week and it came to a head today and I decided that I finally needed to seek support. Seeking support is so foreign and hard for me. I've had to be the "strong" one, my entire life. I was vibrant, fun and very social- until 2 years ago. It started with the loss of my grandpa's sweet 2nd wife (not my blood relation) to cancer. It was hard to see him so grief-stricken. Then, I lost my grandma (his 1st wife) unexpectedly. This loss rocked my world. She was the most amazing, accomplished woman I'd known and she saved me from a dysfunctional family as a child. I owe much of who I am to her and my other grandma. Both women gave me a safe place and encouraged me throughout my life. Still reeling from her death, I lost my other grandma 7 months later. These two were the most devastating losses I had experienced in my 35 years. I thought I'd lose my mind, but I kept pushing myself through life, then in the next 18 months, I went on to lose 5 more close loved ones. Yes. 8 deaths in 2 years. At this point I have PTSD from grief and despite working on this with a great counselor, I just can't seem to see out of this hole. I've had lots of anxiety, but never personally had depression and it's an overwhelming feeling. Like others I've read about here, I feel so alone in a world of people who care about me. I've isolated myself completely, logged off of all social media and have crippling social anxiety now. I have an amazing husband, but I'm so scared of burning him out, because he just can't relate, so I don't talk to him about it much. My immediate family has never been supportive and has gone as far as being hurtful about my grief. Both my husband and I have very religious families and we are not religious. They feel that I should be over this already. I want to work through my grief and gain my life back, before the many people I've dropped out of society on, give up on me. I just can't seem to get over certain hurdles. Everything reminds me of them and I haven't been able to visit one of my grandmother's grave because it's just so raw. I needed to write this. I haven't expressed much of this out of my head. Can anyone relate? Does it ever get easier? Both of my grandmothers were so strong and leaders in their communities. Just as I was making my mark on my community, I was paralyzed with this overwhelming series of losses. I feel that they'd be disappointed over me not fully living my life over the loss of theirs.
     
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    I'm so sorry to hear of your losses and all that you are going through. I think you said it so beautifully about feeling "alone in a world of people who care". I think that's what a lot of people don't understand...that those struggling with a loss may have family and friends who want to help, but that we can't always turn to those closest to us. Either because we don't feel like they understand, or we feel that we can only tax the people we love with our troubles for so long. I have seen over and over how people who have experienced a loss benefit from connecting with others who have had a loss similar to theirs. It's what I hope you'll find here, and I'm so glad you've joined us. If you have any questions about how the site works, please let me know. And please, take care~
     
  3. Baphomette

    Baphomette New Member

    Thank you so much, I really appreciate your kind reply. I'd like to say that it's great to have support from others who can empathize, but at the time, I'm sorry that they can relate. While the reason that we're members of this club is awful, I very much appreciate that you've made a comforting place to find each other. I'm glad I found it when I did. This site is great, and just what I've been searching (extensively) for. It's actually been pretty hard to find many constructive resources for grief. Many are through specific religions, expensive, bare minimum (sparse, out-dated or not user friendly), not all-inclusive, or have weird agendas. It's scary how many snakes are out there taking advantage of the grieving. I'm glad that I have a place to turn to when I'm having a hard time. It comes in waves, & I'm sure that's common. I also hope that I help someone along the way as well. Someone else on here said that they felt alone even though they had plenty of people in their lives, so I can't take credit, but it did give me insight to something I wasn't able to communicate before. Thank you again and I wish you all a loving and comfort this Mother's Day, because I know that this is one of the harder holidays for grief.
     
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  4. sadie 012513

    sadie 012513 New Member

    Hi. I can relate to what you posted. I lost five immediate family members in 3 1/2 years with most recent being 10 months ago. Like you, I was from a dysfunctional family too. I also was career driven,confident, and working towards my advanced college degrees! Yes, Degrees! But unlike you(apologize if I'm wrong), my time to grieve started right after I turned 30 years when my Dad started to show signs of Alzheimer's!
    I was my parents youngest child; daddy's girl and mommy's baby to the disgust of the kids my parents had before me. My Dad had what would be considered as early onset dementia and never got to retire. The Long Goodbye! My parents didn't have me till they were in the 30's so never felt the rush to get married and have kids in my 20's. Biggest regret of my life.
    I put my life on hold and started to help my Mom with my Dad because he was extremely aggressive with this horrific disease. Before ALZ, my Dad was the greatest guy EVER!
    We lost my Dad sooner than we thought would! Ten years after we started to recognize symptoms and 6 years after he needed to be watched by my mom and I 24/7! I was able to work midnights to help my Mom, but gave up on pursuing my pharm d. The only people who showed up for my Dad's wake was my Mom, my boyfriend who I grew up with and started dating in 1996, and me. One of my parents kids called my Mom crying because her husband's name was left out of the paper obit!!!!! She didn't cry about her Dad being dead and never spent time with him during his battle with Dementia! My parents other kids couldn't be bothered! But my parents kids did find the time to go to court to tell the judge that they are more entitled to my Dad's estate than my Mom. My parents are the biological Dad and Mom of these kids!!!!
    I vented too much! And my Dad is my first loss! Thank You to anyone who responds honestly!
     
  5. Hi I am very new to to this site as I just signed up tonight. I can relate to those who have lost loved ones around the same time. My nightmare began July 24 when Mom went to the ER and decided it wasn't that bad. This timre they keep her and a eweek and half she was in ICU. She went to hospice house one week dafter my oldest cat died. After two weeks she came home with
    Hospice care. The CNA bathed her, washed Ber hair and changed the sheets while Mom was in bed. She passed away at 6:30 a.m. on Wednesday, September 24, 2014. I knew my life would never be the same again.
    On March 13, 2015_ NY youngest car, whom I raised from a kitten, died in my arms at ,7:02 in my arms from lymphoma, diagnosed only a few hours said to get the results. Then approximately on !at 25, 2016 my Aunt Shirley passed away suddenly. We managed to get through a year without a family death thank goodness. However, on June 1,2017 our luck ran out. My Aunt Donna, who was like second mother to me, passed away suddenly, from a heart attack. On August 19,d
     
  6. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Hi Kara, thank you for joining our site. I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. I find so many of the grievers in our community are coping with more than one loss. I hope you can find the support and comfort you need here. Please take care~
     
  7. sadie 012513

    sadie 012513 New Member

     
  8. sadie 012513

    sadie 012513 New Member

    I relate with what you wrote. I recently lost my Mom in a similar way you mentioned losing your Mom. I also lost my 16 year old dog, who was my Dad's "therapy dog" during my Dad's battle with early onset dementia, short of a year of losing my Dad. I also had other losses during this time too. I need to communicate with others for support so I don't feel so alone.
     
  9. NeeNee 1971

    NeeNee 1971 New Member

    I lost my first son in 1985 I was really young and so was he Joshua Patterson died from sids at 1moth 3weeks old then September 2012 my grand son Noah was still born it was my son Garry's first Child then new year's day 2013 Brittany my son fiance the mother of Noah died of a heart attack at the age of 23 it's was awful my son Garry really lost it that was his life in 2016 June 17th my son Garry died from drugs it is the one I can not deal with, except, face or how ever you want to put it it was just to much for me I don't know how to deal with this one it's like if I don't that it ain't true I have another grandson Garry's second son Carter who I don't get to see which is half my fault but the mother keeps him to herself I am trying to give her time but I want to see my grandson soon I still haven't gotten any of his stuff I tried 2times I just call apart I have no clue what to do anymore
     
  10. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    NeeNee, I am so sorry to hear of all that you've gone through. Too often I find grievers are having to deal with more than one loss, and it can make it so hard to try and move forward. I'm glad that you are here, and I thank you for sharing your story. I hope this site can be a help to you and I wish you all the best...
     
  11. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    To everyone coping with multiple losses, we have just today published a blog on how to cope...specifically for those who have experienced so much loss and change. You'll find it under our "Resources" tab- I hope that it can be a help to you. Please take care~
     
  12. Claudia Brown

    Claudia Brown New Member

    Sorry for your losses. I am in the same boat and I still feel like the day my husband died. Followed by my dad and four friends. I can't offer any advice because I don't have any. I have tried EVERYTHING you can imagine. It is easier to say I give up. At least, I won't be so frustrated with trying. Your grandmothers sound wonderful and I truly doubt that they would feel disappointed in you.