The world is still turning and shouldn't be...

Hello everyone,

My name is Jennifer period but I'm new to the site. My mother, who had been in Assisted Living for the last decade died unexpectedly on January 3rd of this year.

I don't know where to begin. I think I'm really only truly beginning to access the depth of my grief. I have so much guilt attached to my mother. I have so many good memories too. It's all very confusing.

All I know is that it feels as if the world shouldn't be turning anymore. I feel like a stranger on Earth.

I just wanted to introduce myself and offer this brief message. I know I didn't go very deep into my issues and my grief but I plan to as time progresses.

I'm finally going through her things and I broke down.

Right after mom's death a friend sent me this link via Facebook Messenger and only today did I click on it. I feel like I definitely need someone to talk to period or just someone to listen. Or maybe I just need somebody who understands to read this and maybe I just need to know that it is seen.

I have to go to work soon but I will be back later to check in. I've been crying all morning now and I hope I have the energy to complete this day. Sorry for the incredibly jumbled ramblings. But thank you for reading.

Jennifer

 

(Sorry for the word "period" in there a few times..I was dictating and trying to implement punctuation... it works 90% of the time. I didn't proof this and I apologize...)

 

Dear Jennifer:
I am so very sorry about your Mom. It is still very fresh in your mind and heart and I know that you are experiencing so many different emotions. Even though I am more than 20 years older than you are, I absolutely understand. I won't go into all the losses that I've had to endure, just the one that relates to your situation and that's my Mom. She passed away in May of 2015. For many years we had a difficult relationship and many differences. But she was my Mom and I loved her. For nearly all of my 63 years, I was always #3, even though I was her first born. Her only granddaughter came first (my sister's daughter,) and then my sister and then there was me. Throughout my life she always favored them, emotionally and financially. It was very hurtful. However after my Dad died 12 years ago, it was not my sister or my niece who was there for my Mom...it was me. Both of them informed me that "they had their own lives and didn't have time for Mom." Because of their attitude and how they hurt my Mom, we are now permanently estranged. Sadly that will never, ever change.
My Dad died suddenly of mesothelioma, which is horrible. He as only 76 years old. Almost immediately after that, I dragged my Mom to get a Pet scan because she smoked for many years, even though she quit more than 25 years ago. And as I expected.....lung cancer. I got her the best surgeon in the country and she had 1/3 of her left lung removed at Memorial Sloan Kettering. She survived lung cancer for 9 years, which is extraordinary. However COPD and Congestive Heart Failure diminished her quality of life to nothing and she died on May 4, 2015 as I held her hand. I was the one who made all the hard decisions, including full time live in help. I also had to get hospice for her during the last 4 months of her life. She always told me that she didn't want to leave her home and she made me promise. I was still working full time (65+hours weekly) and I live in NY. She lived in NJ, more than 3 hours away. So I took my vacation in days and spent 4 days with her every single week, especially during the last 6 months of her life.

To say it was hard is an understatement and people refer to me as "The Tower of Strength." Yes, I was strong for her and did whatever I needed to do. My sister was nowhere to be found. And on all my drives back to NY, I could barely see the road because the tears just kept flowing. Regardless of the type of relationship you have with your Mom, when you lose her, you are never the same. A part of you is gone forever.

So I do understand what you're going through, believe me. If you want to vent, I am here to listen. If you want some advice, just ask. If you want to scream, I won't run away and I will give you a virtual hug. I know how hard it is. The bad news is that the pain never really goes away. The good news is that in time, your ability to deal with it will improve and you will begin to live again and find joy in your life.

I will tell you the same thing I have mentioned to so many people here on this site. The night before my Mom died, she did something that was unusual for her. She was never particularly demonstrative, however she managed to pull me close and hug me and she told me how much she loved me and appreciated all that I had done for her. And then she made me promise her two things. To be OK and to be happy. She always knew that I was a person who never broke a promise, so I assured her that I would always love her and I made the promise. And so far I have worked very hard to keep my word.

I hope to hear back from you whenever you are ready. Until then...take good care of yourself~Ellen

 

Jennifer, I know exactly how you feel, my mother just pasted away 2 days ago and all I want to do is sleep, I am so heartbroken, she was my everything

 

Ellen, I just list my mother 2 days ago and I feel I cannot go on, I don't t know what to do