Sudden loss of my ex-fiance and then my brother in a 4 month span

Most people at the age of 32 don't have to go through the daunting task of planning funerals, unfortunately I planned 2 in a 4 month time-frame.

A year ago my fiancé of 10 years at the time and I decided to end our relationship after he moved in with another woman. We have 2 children, a son who is 10, and a son who is 8. Although I was devastated for a few weeks, eventually I realized it was for the better, we were very different and he lived a lifestyle that was very different than mine. Our relationship was unhealthy and unhappy for a long time. A few months after I unexpectedly met the man of my dreams. He also recently had gotten out of a long and unhappy marriage. I quickly started a new chapter in my life and for once felt free. My ex-fiancé and I still were in contact and he saw our children every weekend. On October 16, 2017 he died of an accidental drug overdose. I was shocked. I was very sad at first mostly for my children but I was honestly relieved (I know that sounds awful) but he was no longer going to struggle or self-destruct and I didn't have to have that weight of worry on me anymore.

His family lives 5 hours away so for my children I planned a beautiful funeral for him so that we all had a proper way of saying goodbye to him. When I had to sit down and tell my children the news, I was mortified. They were very quiet and didn't show a lot of emotion and I was a little surprised by that, they loved their Dad but a lot of people told me everyone grieves differently. I talked to them about it a lot and told them if they ever had any questions to let me know or if they needed anyone to talk to they could at any time. I told them their Dad died because he was sick, I didn't think at their ages it was appropriate to tell them exactly why, but I know it makes my 10 year old very curious as to what happened. My new boyfriend was extremely supportive during this time as well as my one and only sibling, my brother. He helped with the boys while I called and took care of all the things I never realized needed to be after someone died because he had no one else to do this for him. My brother also came to the funeral and sat with my boys and I.

Eventually I started to feel at peace and my boys were in grief counseling and seemed to be doing well and living lives as normal children as they possibly could after what had happened.

On February 2, 2018 I received a call from my Mom that I had to get to the hospital because my brother wasn't breathing and she had a call from his wife's Mom that they were doing CPR and on the way to the emergency room. It was 5 am and I was in shock...wait why isn't he breathing, he's 30 years old and otherwise healthy, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs I didn't get it. So I rushed to the hospital and was told that he had went into cardiac arrest and they were doing hypothermic therapy. I just remember hugging his pregnant wife and crying for hours. We got to see him and he was hooked up to so many machines and I just remember thinking how surreal it was. 2 days later, we were notified that the therapy did not work and there was no more brain activity. This was the most horrific, scary, and depressing 48 hour time period of my entire life.

Because he was an organ donor, we were able to spend hours with him before they took him off the machines and I remember sitting next to him touching his arm, holding his hand, and literally kissing his forehead over 100 times while wiping all of my sobbing tears off of him, saying my goodbyes, telling him how much I loved him and how much of a great brother he was. I promised to take care of his wife and their unborn child forever. The nurses literally had to pry me away from that hospital bed when it was time to leave.

It has been a little over 2 months and I literally have felt every emotion imaginable. This loss was much different that what I felt when my ex passed. My brother was my only sibling and we were so close. Why and HOW does a 30 year old die of sudden cardiac arrest out of the blue when they have so much going for them. I asked his best friend (he's a pastor) why on earth God could possibly think he needed him more than us, and he told me he'd like to think my brother was just too good for this world. He was the most loving, selfless, caring, and kindest soul I've ever met in my life. So many people have completely been devastated by this including my parents and his wife. I have never in my life felt pain this bad or deep.

The hardest part for me is accepting this reality and the fact that he is no longer here. He will never be here when his daughter is born, he will never get to hold her, feed her, kiss her, hug her, my sister in law lost her soul mate, my brother will be missing from every family picture, gathering, holiday, he will never be at my wedding or witness me getting married, there are SO many things that he will miss and that is hard for me to grasp. I literally get sick to my stomach thinking that for the next 50+ years that I am on this earth, it will be without him. I get angry, I get sad, I feel sorry for myself and my parents, and his wife and daughter. I am completely amazed at how much your life can change in the blink of an eye.

Everyone tells me how strong I am, but really what choice do I have? No one has the option to survive grief, it's something we just have to go through. I work and I enjoy life because I know my brother would want that but it will never be the same. I feel at one of the best places I've ever been in my life, but I can't feel complete because this is all going on. I will never have the same parents that I did before my brother passed away. They are completely heart broken and their lives will never be the same, none of ours will. I don't know how to navigate life in this much pain