May 2, 2015, I lost my husband to a drunk driver. Ever since, I've been trying to get her put away. It's been almost two years since the accident and I still feel like crying almost every day. There are days that I get very angry, at her, the justice system, and God. I've had so many people tell me to forgive and make peace with what's happened but it's not that easy for me. I've had no closure to put the demons to rest. Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with this type of loss?
Dear Canyon: I am so very sorry about your husband. It is especially hard to accept and deal with the senseless and avoidable way that he died. I understand your anger in not being able to find closure by punishing the person responsible for your heartbreak. What is the reason and/or delay in prosecuting the person for vehicular manslaughter? I assume that you hired a lawyer and are trying to do just that? You may also be able to sue the person in civil court. I know that won't bring your husband back, but it will make the drunk driver accountable for their actions. Other than pursuing all legal remedies, I only have one other piece of advice. Please take it from someone who knows. Forgive the person. Not for him or her, but for you. Holding onto the anger will change the person you are and trust me when I tell you that you won't like yourself after awhile. All that anger and frustration is draining all your emotional and physical energy and taking away from so many more important things. I have found that the best way to deal with grief and loss is to find a way to honor that person's memory. I've always felt that would make them proud and stand for something. And yes, I do believe in signs and that our loved ones are always with us in spirit and that they are watching. I bet if you really think about what mattered most to your husband, you will come up with something. And surely one of those things is you. I think he would want you to be ok and to try to be happy as best you can. It won't be easy and for sure, life is unfair. But you can still find a way to make it good and stand for something. This is something I have lived and know for sure. Again, I'm very sorry for your loss and hope that you find a way to ease your pain. Take care~Ellen
The civil suit brought nothing. She was in a word untouchable. The whole thing is, the state had so much evidence against her and they offered a plea deal that she took. We are waiting to get to court to get that entered then another 1-2 months for sentencing, which doesn't look very promising either. I've had many people tell me I need to forgive her but how? Not a day goes by that I don't think of Mike. I know there is a lot of built up anger both at the justice system and the driver, not to mention the memories that creep in from that night. I just don't know how to forgive her.
Dear Canyon: I can absolutely understand your frustration and anger at the justice system. Not sure why they even offered her a plea bargain. I know here in NY vehicular manslaughter carries a sentence of at least 5-7 years and sometimes longer. Even if she got a 25 year sentence, it wouldn't bring Mike back. Believe me, I mean no disrespect at all. I have had my share of heartbreak and loss and I know how hard it is. I also suffered from the injustice of the legal system and I was very angry for a long time...just like you. So I do understand and I feel your pain. I'm assuming that Mike was young, since you are also in your forties. I don't know whether you have any children or not or what your family situation is. I know that you never thought your life would take this turn and it seems like you can't wake up from this nightmare that has become your daily existence. I have more than 20 years on you and I've been where you are now many, many times. And sometimes I didn't make the right decisions or take the best road for myself. How do you start to forgive? Well, it's individual for everyone, but the first step is to start caring about yourself again and work towards easing the pain. I wanted to make sure that the person who hurt me so badly, suffered as much as possible. At one point, it was my lifelong mission. And it totally drained me and frankly, I was getting tired of being angry all the time. I was missing out on all the joys that were still left in life. Yes, even though you're by yourself. It's not diminishing what you had with Mike at all. I think it would be doing what he would have eventually done if God forbid something had happened to you. I don't have a quick fix for getting to the place where you care more about yourself than you do about making someone pay for how they have hurt you. It takes time and you can't put a limit on how long that is. For me, it took more than a year. And then I decided that I needed to feel passionate again about life and the things that brought me joy. And that was quite a challenge since I am really alone, except for my cat and my horse. Don't get me wrong though. I miss the people I have lost every single day and will likely do so until the day I die. And there are many hard days and still a lot of tears. But the anger is gone. It's replaced with many fond memories and thankfully, very few regrets. Because I know that the people I lost knew how much they were loved and cherished. I told them and showed it every single day that they were here. What I do now is volunteer, since I recently stopped working. Like I said, I don't know what your situation is and whether or not you still work and have a family. I spend my time visiting elderly people who have no one else. I also work with abandoned animals and help them to get socialized again so they can be adopted. And during the holidays, which are particularly hard for me- like Thanksgiving- I volunteer in a soup kitchen helping to feed homeless people. As bad as things feel for me sometimes, it really does warm my heart to see someone who has lost all hope give me a huge smile or even a hug. And when a dog or cat was so traumatized that they wouldn't let anyone near them, finally lets me pick them up and licks my face, it king of makes it all worthwhile. No, it doesn't bring back the people I've lost and it surely doesn't wrap arms around me at night, but it does heal me and it gives purpose to being alive. I hope you find a way to feel better and to gain some peace and contentment in your life. Take care of yourself~ Ellen
I have no way to tell you how to cope, but our stories are nearly identical. I lost my significant other to a drunk driver on January 20, 2021. I was 37 weeks pregnant with his first child. A baby girl who he was so excited to meet and be a daddy to. I will have a very long journey ahead with the justice system too it sounds like as they want to get the most benefits they can for his unborn child who has to be raised without a father here on Earth that she never got to meet and he never got to meet her. Its so hard knowing it could have been avoided.
