I lost her when i was 7. I have learned to accept that, somedays it's still hard. I find this year is a bit harder and my daughter is now 7. I have been under a lot of emotion stress that i sometimes don't even notice. I am so proud to be a mother, to experience that relationship, to understand how she probably felt about me. I have to wait until i hit the age she was when she passed.. right now i am only the age she was when she first had me!! So many lessons have been learned by having her taken from me so early, sad at the cost. I love and miss her everyday. I will never stop wishing i had someone to have my back anytime i need, or just to call me and see whats going on in my life.. I wish i had someone to care the way a mother should.. sometimes i wish i had someone to just teach me how to be a mother.. or not to be, lessons can be learned from either. i have learned to see the lessons in all good and bad hands. I find it hard to accept that no one knows much about my mother.. she is a mystery and my cousin was the only one with the biggest story to tell.. when i got the guts to ask him to tell me... he passed away. I am always stuck in the unknown. I guess thats another lesson.. "you always think you have time" I should have known already you don't. I guess being shy and full of anxiety is a curse. I wish i could be more for her to see.. i wish i had more for her to be proud of.. but i am sober, happy and always trying to stay healthy. I have suffered eating and mental disorders, drug and alcohol addiction, and self harm. I have overcome and passed all of those with the thought of "be what you always wanted to have" "look at what you end game is and see if its what you want" "every journey needs a beginning" I didn't want to be a life long drug addicted alcoholic like my father or let it kill me like it did my mother. I left everything i knew at that moment behind me and NEVER went back. Thank you mom and dad... i don't know where i'd be without your mistakes.
