Momma who was my world, is gone

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by leela campbell, Jun 5, 2018.

Tags:
  1. I was awoken at 6 am. in his 'father's panic voice.' he said i needed to get dressed. momma has been sick most of her life, things outside of her control. i was thinking it was to the hospital again. sadly that was a normal thing. i go to help her pack a bag but dad stops me and tells me to up back upstairs. i do but i hear people and see the lights. my heart flutters wildly but i tell myself that dad jumped the gun again. it's too calm and voices are too low. i deny, deny, deny but people forget about my hearing. i heard the name of the place she was being taken to. it was not the hopstial.

    i don't remember much expect screaming to the top of the lungs over and over. to the point i am dry heaving. i know this seems a bit early it just happened. yet, she was my friend, i was her caretaker and consist companion. we were going to get blueberries today and make fruit desserts. she was okay (for her) yesterday. i know it's not a dream i will never see her is this house again. everything as made me cry that she brought, touched, i got for her. i snapped at the mail carrier when she called me Mrs. Campbell.

    i'm sorry i know it takes time and it's okay to cry but it hurts. i just want someone to talk to.
     
  2. #1Diva

    #1Diva Member

    I'm deeply sorry for your loss. I understand your pain. I lost my mother suddenly only 4 months ago. My mom had a stroke and only lasted 10 days after that. My heart is broken in a million pieces. I miss her so much that my tears are falling as I write this. I question myself if I did the right thing by calling in Hospice to assist us after her initial stroke. I want her back. I see myself missing her forever......
     
  3. sad thing is she was working in the yard the day before. doing well for her normal state of health. then gone. she was always sick with things and such. and she could beat the odds with surgerys and illnesses. no warning, no signs, nothing but emptyness and pain when the alarm sounded that morning. we knew this day would come but we didn't think that day was it. i miss her so much it hurts.
     
  4. Lindsay0916

    Lindsay0916 Member

    I understand how you feel. My dad had been battling cancer for about 5 months, we had been told the prognosis wasn't great, but one of the doctors said patients in his situation have an average of a year or more, so we just didn't think it would happen so soon. The most heartbreaking part is that my dad wasn't ready, he wanted to keep fighting, we don't even really know what happened that morning. I can't believe we lost him a week ago today. I just feel sick to my stomach.
     
  5. #1Diva

    #1Diva Member

    I understand about not being ready. I literally believed that I had many more years left with my beautiful mother. I, like you, feel sick to my stomach. I cry daily at some point. I continue to remain in a state of disbelief that she's actually gone and that I won't ever get to talk to her again. She was my best friend, confidant and biggest supporter. I'm sad, lost and the emptiness I feel surpasses that of what I've ever experienced before. My mom wasn't ready to die. I'll never forget the look on her face when my daughter discovered her the morning of her stroke. The fear in her eyes haunt me. She knew something bad had happened. I knew it too. I know that forever is how long I'll miss her. I love you mommy. You'll always be my heart.
     
  6. Lindsay0916

    Lindsay0916 Member


    I so completely understand your grief and pain, I went back to work for the first time today, a week after we lost Dad -- I was fighting back tears all day just constantly thinking about Dad. I know it isn't good for me to think about all the negatives and sad things but all I can think about is all the things he'll never get to do again and that I won't get to see him or talk to him. It hurts so much. I try to just talk to my dad, I hope he can hear me.
     
  7. #1Diva

    #1Diva Member

    I hope that my mom can hear me too. My mom was a huge basketball fan and we both love The Warriors so when they won the finals last night I knew my mom was smiling down from heaven. I just wish she was here with me to see their victory. It does hurt. I do feel the emptiness of not having her here. I, like you, went back to work about 10 days after my mom died. I cried every time someone told me how sorry they were. I cry when I tell others of her passing-even complete strangers. I try to focus on the positive and the good times we had but I feel its too early for me to do that. I'm still in the stage of disbelief that she's really gone forever. I cry daily. I just want to hug her one more time. I deal myself bouts of guilt for every time I was not patient with her. I ask myself if I did everything I could to save her. I wonder if I could of done more. God, I'm crying right now......
     
  8. i got back from the viewing. at times it was standing room only. she was loved by many people. i didn't break like i thought i would. even when i told her goodnight and that we would see her tomarrow.they did i good job on her. her make-up spot on and my sister picked out the clothes.

    i know it going to hit some people tomarrow at the sercive. grandma really hard since she lost her baby sister six months before. one day we will be able talk about her and smile instead of cry. it just won't be today. service is in the morning. night everyone.
     
  9. Lindsay0916

    Lindsay0916 Member

    @#1Diva I'm sure your Mom was smiling down from heaven when The Warriors won -- but I totally understand how you feel. The last few texts I had with my dad were about the games...I'm not a huge basketball fan but my Dad was explaining how things worked and everything -- I'm sad those were the last texts I had with him and I'm sad he didn't get to see how things ended. I'm sad about everything he won't get to see, but I have to try to keep hope that he will see things, just from a different view. I totally understand how you feel about disbelief...sometimes I feel myself kind of acting normal for a few minutes or an hour, almost just not believing he is gone, and then it hits me hard that he is. I want to hug dad one more time too...get to see him at home watching a football game or see an incoming call from dad telling me about something..it breaks my heart that I won't get that again. And I TOTALLY understand how you feel about if you could have done more. Every single day I wonder if I could have done more for dad as he fought the cancer -- everyone tells me I did so much and helped him with so much, but there were things that he was stubborn on and didn't want to do and I feel like I should have tried harder to make him do things or even just gone to sit with him even when he told me not to...I should have just done it. I don't think we can be too hard on ourselves, I try to remind myself that our parents wouldn't want us to, but it is very hard and something I struggle with every day. I had a very bad break down last night...like I almost was having a panic attack and couldn't breathe -- not a good night.Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier. My aunt (dad's sister) told me that she knows he would want me to be happy and smile and laugh and that he is still with me, but I feel very empty and numb, I just miss my dad and want him here. It's hard to accept I won't get that again.
     
  10. Lindsay0916

    Lindsay0916 Member


    @leela campbell I'm glad that the viewing went well. At my dad's memorial service I did feel like there was some comfort in seeing all of the people there that cared for dad. My dad's memorial service was just this past Wednesday so it hasn't even been that long, but I would tell you to try your best to focus on the positive messages at the service -- let your heart be warmed by people there. For me...I felt good being surrounded by people, but after everyone left I was hit hard by the silence. I hope everything goes well with the service...I will be thinking of you. Let me know how it goes. We can all get through this together.
     
  11. Sjachy59

    Sjachy59 New Member

    My Mom sadly took her own life i was 28 at the time. Its been 7 yrs now and it gets better. Try to hold on to those sweet memories that you have of her because it will make it a little more bearable. Imagine her being there beside you comforting you. God bless and i hope this helps.
     
    griefic likes this.