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Lost my Dad having trouble coping

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Lindsay0916, Jun 4, 2018.

  1. Lindsay0916

    Lindsay0916 Member

    Hello,
    I'm new to this and new to the idea of my dad being gone.

    My dad passed away unexpectedly this past Friday, I can't believe it has already been 3 days. At the beginning of 2018 he was diagnosed with Stage 4 head and neck cancer (the primary tumor was in his mouth), however we were told that this type of cancer generally responds very well to treatment and most people recover fully, so we were very hopeful. Dad went through the first line of treatment - chemo and radiation - he had horrible side effects from the radiation, but he fought through it all and we supported him however we could. During treatment they kept mentioning that it seemed strange that the tumor in his neck didn't seem to be shrinking at all, but that sometimes it takes time to let the treatment work, so we carried on. After the treatment was completed we did scans, and we found out that the cancer hadn't really responded to the treatment in the way they had hoped. Surgical options would be extremely risky and would leave dad with very low quality of life. Scans also revealed that the cancer had spread to his lungs as well. Dad wanted to keep fighting so we tried another round of different type of chemo. Even through all of this Dad kept living life as best as he could, taking care of my younger brother, keeping his sense of humor. Even when the treatment really was making him feel just horrible,I think he downplayed the pain level he had to "protect" my brother and I in a sense. It will always stick with me that he said he "isn't ready to leave this Earth." Just a few days before he passed he had a scan where we were going to see if the cancer had responded to the second round of chemo, Friday morning we had an appointment to go review the results of the scan with the doctors, but we never made it to that appointment.

    Early Friday morning my brother heard my dad downstairs and ran down, he was struggling to breathe, my brother tried to calm him down, but he passed out. My brother called 911 and started CPR. The EMTs arrived and did CPR for about 20 minutes but he didn't come back. I will never be able to forget the image of him there. I try to find comfort in the fact that he isn't in pain anymore, but I am really struggling with knowing that he wasn't ready to go and he was so scared of death. It's especially hard because even though we know he was sick, we really thought we had more time with him. I'm finding it hard to go on with normal life knowing he isn't here, knowing I can't text or call him to see how he's doing, I won't get to watch football with him, or hear him tell silly jokes, he won't meet my future children. All of these things are so heartbreaking they seem unbearable. I worry about my little brother and the trauma he went through. My dad deserved so much more life, he had so much more to live, I'm just devastated he is gone.
     
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Lindsay, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story and for reaching out. I am so glad you are recognizing the need for help as it can be so hard to get through these very big losses on our own, all while trying to care for everyone else in the family.
    This is such a new loss, it's hard to know what to expect. I would love to be able to tell you that it gets easier, but I think most grievers will tell you it's more of a situation of things getting worse before they get better. What I do hope you'll find is that the images from that day will slowly start to fade and soften in your mind. It's not to say that you'll ever forget. But what I find most grievers say is that in time the images and the trauma that follow immediately after loss will be replaced with the warm and loving memories of their loved one. This is a very long and unpredictable process so please be patient with yourself. And again I'm so pleased you are reaching out for help, as I hope you'll find connecting with others who have had a loss can make such a difference in how you are able to cope moving forward. It can be so comforting to know you're not alone, and here there is a community of people who truly understand. Please let me know if there is anything you need. I wish you all the best~
     
  3. SarahLindenn

    SarahLindenn New Member

    How awful.. I am so sorry you had to go through this. I’m brand new to this site and your post is the first I’ve seen. I couldn’t even imagine. My mom and brother found my dad and they two are struggling with the image of him. I couldn’t even begin to understand that feeling..
    My dad died April 30th (the day before my 29th Birthday) very suddenly and it seems like since I’ve hit the one month mark people are expecting me to just go back to normal and move on. That’s kind of why I came here. I’m struggling to just move on and was looking for some people that understood.

    I hope it gets easier on you. What a tremendous loss. I pretty much feel the same way about my brother and the trauma of finding out father..
    I guess we just keep going?
    Hang in there!


     
  4. Lindsay0916

    Lindsay0916 Member


    Hi Sarah --

    I'm so sorry you lost your father as well. It just doesn't seem real or fair. Nights are the hardest for me, closing my eyes trying to sleep and only being able to picture those horrible images. I'm hoping with time that gets easier. Every morning I wake up I have a moment where I've almost forgotten, and then reality comes crushing down and it's unbearable. Today I am putting together some picture boards for my Dad's memorial service that is tomorrow. I'm trying to focus on the happy memories they represent but I'm still struggling to accept the idea that he is gone. Missing having messages from him every few hours, crushed by the knowledge that he wasn't ready to go. Worried about my brother. It's all very overwhelming. I tried to go out to the store yesterday maybe to take my mind off of things, but I felt guilty and it just didn't feel right. I know that I have to go on, but I'm having trouble knowing how to do that.
     
  5. SarahLindenn

    SarahLindenn New Member

    Gosh, I’m only a few weeks ahead of you in terms of length without my dad but it feels like so long ago that I was doing the same thing with pictures and memorials.. the hardest part has been the weeks after the service. Everyone else continues on with their life, as I should, yet I’m still struggling and can’t seem to do that. And when I do have a good day and things seem to be getting back to normal, I come home and just break down. I only took 2 days off of work when I first found out and I’m thinking it’s tome to take some real time off. I was unfortunately at work when I got the phone call and now every once in awhile it’ll hit me really hard when I’m sitting where I got that phone call.
    I wish I could help you more and give you some words of comfort but I honestly don’t know what to say. My biggest advice is listen to the stories his coworkers and friends have. They knew him differently than you knew him. It truly offered me a different side of my dads life when I heard what his coworkers and friends had to say.. it was like listening to stories of a different man.

    Good luck tomorrow.
    And thank you for replying.
     
  6. Lindsay0916

    Lindsay0916 Member

    Hi Sarah -
    I really can't believe my dad's service is tomorrow. Me and my brother, husband, mom, and aunt went over to Dad's house today to find some other things to bring to the memorial (he was a HUGE Minnesota Vikings fan so we are bringing his jersey, things like that) it was so strange to be in his house without him there, especially with the horrible image of him there on the floor when he passed -- that image is still burned in my brain and makes nights difficult - the quiet being alone with my own thoughts and images. I really hope that part gets easier. I think if you are feeling you should take time off you definitely should -- I hope your work understands. My work allows me 3 days off, one of which has to be the funeral - so I'm likely having to go back to work Friday. People tell me getting "back to a routine" will help -- but I'm worried about being able to do it. I can barely make it an hour without breaking down now.

    I wish I had more words of comfort for us both. I vividly remember the 5am phone call from my brother Friday jolting me awake - I had to change the ringtone on my phone because it was too much to bear hearing it again. All of the sirens/ambulances I hear when I'm out also give make me feel awful.

    Thank you for sharing about listening to the stories of his friends and co-workers -- we asked his boss to come and speak at the memorial and he said he would be happy to - so I will try to take comfort in their stories.

    Thanks again, I'll be thinking of you and hoping for a good day for you tomorrow as well.
     
  7. SarahLindenn

    SarahLindenn New Member

    How did it go today? I’m sure it was a roller coaster of emotions. I know for me it all happened so fast, I wish I had more time with the people who came to my dads service.

    Going back to work has been both good and bad in my experience.. I think it probably is good to get back into a normal routine but sometimes I just can’t bare to deal with people.. it’s so strange.. I feel like I’ll never be the same. Like I will never be the person I was on April 29th, when my dad was alive. A huge part of us has been forever altered.

    Someone told me a few days after it happened that although I feel like crap now, someday it’ll turn to pride and I’ll just be extremely proud of the man he was and what he taught me. I just feel like I needed him to teach me so much more..
     
  8. Lindsay0916

    Lindsay0916 Member

    The service yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions for sure. At times the finality of everything made me overwhelmed with sadness and every time a new person came in and said hello and started tearing up it all started over again. I also had times where I felt a little bit of peace hearing people tell stories about my dad. I even had some times where I felt that I was so tired from all of the crying and emotions over the past several days that I couldn't even cry. It was a very strange day, hard to process. I agree that I wish I had more time with people -- after the service close family went to my dad's favorite pizza place for lunch -- I took some comfort in that but then was also devastated that he never got the chance to enjoy that again. I felt bad that I didn't really have the emotional energy to express my thanks to people for being there, I hope they understand.

    I'm planning to go back to work tomorrow, a week since we lost dad. Unfortunately my job is directly customer facing so I'm hoping I can handle it. I know there will be some good days and bad days, probably with more bad days to start.

    I was told the same thing multiple times yesterday. Things like "at some point you will just feel a wave of peace fall over you and it will be ok", or that "you'll get to a day when you'll get through a whole day without having a bad thought or a breakdown" -- my mom told me that and said that I can't feel bad when that happens. That's something I'm struggling with deeply right now, almost a feeling of guilt. My husband said it's similar to "survivors guilt" and that my dad wouldn't want me to be devastated every day for the rest of my life. Deep down in my heart I know that's true, but it still feels hard to do. "Normal" life carries on but I don't feel normal.
     
  9. SarahLindenn

    SarahLindenn New Member

    I’m so glad you got to do something nice for your dad and go enjoy his favorite pizza. It’s truly a strange experience to lose a parent.

    I also work in an environment where I have to deal with customers all day long so I feel ya there. I’ve been truly blessed that the restaurant that I manage is in a pretty tight knit neighborhood where people all look out for each other, so I did get a good amount of support, and still am, from them. I’d say if it’s getting too hard throughout the day just try and remind your coworkers what an enormous event you are trying to go through. I can’t tell you it’s going to be easy because some days I have to rush to the bathroom and sob for a few minutes and give myself a pep talk, but I’m trying to make those happen less and less by slowing down whetever is happening and take a few really deep, slow breaths.

    Hope you’re hanging in there. Also, I hope the first day back st Work was easy.
     
    Sarah Paull likes this.