Lost my bestfriend who was my mother feeling lost

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by marina, Nov 18, 2016.

  1. marina

    marina Member

    My mother my world recently passed away from cancer. I was her caregiver by her side to the end i held her hand. I miss her so very much nothing seems the same but everything just keeps going on as if it is. I find myself crying driving to the grocery store. I try to be strong thats what i was told to do is be strong dont cry you have a child to think of so i hold it in and then feel so overwhelmed with sadness. I feel no one understands my pain and loss.
  2. LauRae

    LauRae Member

    I'm sorry about your mother. I miss both of my parents so much.

    To me, being strong means feeling my feelings. I let myself cry when tears come.
    Maybe maybe I can't cry at my workplace. But I can in other places.

    please don't suppress your feelings all the time. Feeling them is how they move through us. You are allowed to grieve your mom. And here you are not alone.
    Laura Trast and Elle like this.
  3. Kim Myers

    Kim Myers New Member

    I too lost my best friend, my world...my Mom on Nov 7, 2016. I am so sad all the time just going through the day to day motions of life. Keep having flashbacks of her last breath and how thin she got from her cancer. What a horrible way to die. Its all so surreal. I wish I could turn the clocks back ....
    TriciaL likes this.
  4. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear Kim and Marina:
    I'm sorry for the devastating loss of your Mom's. Sadly, I know too well how you feel. I also lost my Mom last May and she was my best friend as well. She survived lung cancer for nearly nine (9) years after having 1/3 of her lung removed. She was really a trooper! My Dad passed away suddenly 12 years ago from Mesothelioma and I helped her deal with that loss, while coping myself. I insisted that she go for a Pet Scan, and that's when they found the cancer. I remember how we both walked the entire length of the boardwalk in NJ less than 3 months after her surgery. She even went back to playing golf, though it was a struggle. She was courageous and I really admired her so much. I was working full time back then, so I would take all my sick and vacation time to travel 3 hours from NY to NJ every weekend to be with her and spend valuable time together. I have one sibling, who I am permanently estranged from. She decided that "she had her own life," and couldn't make time for my Mom. So basically I was the one that my Mom totally depended on. Yes, it was very hard and emotionally and physically draining, but it's your Mom and you do whatever you can for her. In October of 2014, things took a turn for the worst and COPD and Congestive Heart Failure really changed her quality of life. It was at that point that I had to made some very difficult decisions. Aside from managing all her doctor appointments and meds, as well as her finances, I also had to make the decision to get full time live in care and ultimately towards the end....hospice. It was devastating to see my Mom in a wheelchair, using oxygen and unable to dress and bathe herself. Driving back to NY every weekend was always a tearful journey for me because I never knew if I was going to see her the following weekend or not. We spoke numerous times every single day and my each of my days was filled with stress and worry. I absolutely cannot praise caregivers enough, because not only is it an admiral job, but also a heart wrenching one. As usual, I went down to NJ the weekend of May 1st. Mom was in a very weakened state and was very disoriented. Although I knew the end was near, and I had prepared for it for many months....you are never really prepared to lose your Mom. I went out and got her a dozen ice cold oysters, because she loved them. And she sat at the table and ate them with a smile on her face. On that Saturday we said all the things to each other that perhaps we never did, since she was not particularly demonstrative. And before the hospice nurse helped her to bed, she hugged me tightly and told me how much she loved me and how much all the time we spent together had meant to her. And then she made me promise her two things....to be OK and to be happy. And yes, I gave her my word. She passed away peacefully 3 days later as I sat by her bedside.

    Even though it's been more than a year and a half...it feels like yesterday. There are some days when the heartbreak and loneliness is close to unbearable. Whenever something good happens to me, I want to call her. And when I need advice and want to talk to her, I can no longer pick up the phone or drive to NJ. And there are still many sleepless nights. I will miss her until the day I die and we see each other again.

    However, the one thing that keeps me going is that I am a person of my word. My Mom knew that, and that's why she made me promise her those 2 things before she died. So even though I'm really alone with no family left, I work very hard every single day to be OK and to be happy.

    Our loved ones may not be with us physically anymore, however they are always in our hearts and hopefully we have many wonderful memories to fall back on. I still have very meaningful conversations with both my Mom and Dad and I know they are both watching over me and always with me. Most importantly, I have no regrets because both my parents knew how much they were loved and cherished while they were alive. I made sure of that.

    I understand how you both feel and I hope that you can find the strength to live in a way that would make your Mom's proud. For sure, that's what they would want. Also, to be OK and to find happiness in our life.

    Take good care~Ellen
    Vana, Kim Myers and marina like this.
  5. marina

    marina Member

  6. marina

    marina Member

    I understand completely how you feel Kim and Ellen thank you for sharing and understanding. I lived with my mother we were a traditional italian family. I wasnt married I was first generation born here my mother had me at a late age so she relied on me a little more. I remember she was so happy when i told her i was pregnant i was terrified. It was around her birthday and she told me it was her birthday gift. Together it wasnt easy i went to school became a nurse she stayed home help me raise my son and even after so i could work so many ups and downs. Ten years later and shes gone. I still need though i always will. I need her to come home to so i can tell her how bad my day was or the silly thing her grandson said and to eat our favorite box of chocolates together. Yes i know i will miss her forever and ever somedays are worse than others. I keep reading our poem When I Must Leave You and i know thats exactly what she would want ;
    When i must leave
    For a little while
    Please do not grieve
    And shed wild tears
    And hug your sorrow to you
    Through the years,
    But start out bravely
    With a gallant smile;
    And for my sake and
    In my name live on
    And do all things the same,
    Feed not your loneliness
    On empty days
    But fill each waking hour
    In useful ways,
    Reach out your hand
    In comfort and in cheer
    And i in turn will comfort you
    And hold you near;
    And never, never
    Be afraid to die
    For i am wait for you in the sky!
    I hope this comforts others it does me my emotions come in waves there unpredictable but coping is the key. My mothers strength was iimmeasurable as was her courage she loved flawlessly stronger than anyone i know. As human beings we have to learn from each experience in our life i choose to take my mothers passing and learn. After this i going to love better. Im still very much so in my grieving but i will get up and do all the thing that we talked about that she talked about doing im going to do them for her i know shell be with by my side always a mothers love is unconditional nothing will ever stop that.
    Vana and Kim Myers like this.
  7. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear Marina:
    What a beautiful poem. It brought me to tears. Thank you so much for sharing. As I mentioned before, I know exactly how you feel. We just push through the pain and continue to live life as best we can. Yes, some days are better than others, for sure! It's like navigating a beautiful ship through the waters. Sometimes it's very rough and life threatening and other days it's calm and lovely and you get to enjoy a beautiful sunset. It's all in how you steer the ship.
    Thank you again. Your poem brought me comfort.

    Take good care~Ellen
    Vana and Kim Myers like this.
  8. Joanne Weinbrom

    Joanne Weinbrom Active Member

    I am part of the support group children who lost their mothers, we are not alone
    Missy's banks and Kim Myers like this.
  9. daughter

    daughter New Member

    i just lost my mom...she was my whole world
  10. daughter

    daughter New Member

    I feel exactly the same way..where do I go from here
    how do we become apart of a group like this
  11. Missy's banks

    Missy's banks Member

    It's been since the day before Mother's Day since I lost my momma. I'm 43 years old but I feel like a little girl. My momma was my world. I'm not ready to be here without her. She was my very best friend and still my comforter for anything I was dealing with in my life. When she became too sick to physically help me she still tried to be emotionally available. At that time I was her physical caregiver and her cheerleader. I never let her see me fall apart. I had to be strong for her. She eventually got so bad I had to use a catheter on her and the tumor caused her to lose control of her bowls. I made sure she stayed clean and tried my best to be as if it didn't effect me to be her nurse. For the most part it didn't. She would apologize for the mess and I would tell her it was the least I could do. She gave birth to me breastfed me created me. I would tell her Momma, you gave me a heart,liver, kidneys and everything else I needed for life. It's my honor to be able to do anything for you. I spent every day from the time my eyes opened until night time when her eyes closed with her. I tucked her into bed every night. I was lucky because she was also my nieghbor. I spent every single minute I could with her. I wanted to make as many memories as I could with her. I loved to make her smile. I loved to see her enjoy food. If she thought of something she wanted to eat I would do whatever I had to do to get it for her. I made sure she didn't have to be in pain. If I lost control of her pain management I'd take her to the hospital to get it taken away and then keep it under control for as long of periods of time as possible. I did these things for her for almost two years. I can honestly say I have no regrets. I made sure no words were left unspoken. I just thought I'd have a little more time with her. She told her niece which was her other best friend one night that she would only be here for another two weeks. She was right. As if God told her himself. I just know she made sure she didn't go on Mothers Day. It's going to be hard enough every year as it is. We also didn't want to have any of her services on that day. I don't really remember the visitation or the funeral. I remember a friend of mine from high school never left my side for either service. What is also really messed up is that about two weeks later that friend had a heart attack in her sleep and l lost her too. She was my sister we just had different parents. It's all just too much too soon. It has physically made me sick. I didn't have time to process one loss before I was hit with another.
  12. Laura Trast

    Laura Trast New Member

  13. Laura Trast

    Laura Trast New Member

    Kim, I lost my mom on November 25,2017. She was my best friend too and maybe my only real friend I am discovering, which makes the pain even greater. I too have flashbacks of watching her die in that hospital bed and taking her last breath. I felt so helpless and panicked. I will never be able to hold her hand, hug her, kiss her, talk to her until I see her again in heaven. I miss her so much.
  14. Jen549

    Jen549 New Member

    I lost my Mom December 5, 2014 after 3 bouts with breast cancer. Please don't hold in your feelings. I still cry at times. You go through what is known as "grief storms" where you'll be fine for awhile, then you'll hear a song, or see something, or maybe it will be triggered by nothing at all but you'll suddenly start crying. Some people say the second year is harder than the first because you're coming out of the shock of it, even if it was a long illness that led up to it. It is still a shock to the system to suddenly not have them around. Many people feel like the pain will never end. I don't think it really ever gets better but does ease up some as time goes by. I didn't cry on her birthday last Sunday, but cried today. I still never know when it might hit. Hang in there.