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Loss of my Father

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by Andrea Morrison, Jan 26, 2018.

  1. Andrea Morrison

    Andrea Morrison New Member

    On February 19th, 2016, I lost my father after his battle with terminal cancer for 12 years. He passed away at home in his chair in our dining room. He suffered for years, with little to no answers that could help us understand what was going on. My Dad had a rare terminal cancer called VIPoma that 1 in 10 million people get a year. (Vasoactive Intestinal Polypeptide) is a secretion made by the pancreas. He went undiagnosed for 3 years, and by the time they found out what it was it was too late and it had metastasized. Unfortunately, for 90% of these cases, that is how it ends.

    On February 19th, 2016, my whole world turned upside down. I had just had my wisdom teeth taken out on the 17th of February, and was still at home recovering. It was at around 3:30pm that I felt like I was going to pass out while doing the dishes. I was at home in the kitchen, and my Dad, was asleep in his chair in the dining room (or so I thought). My sister was at her hold high school being someones mode for cosmetology class, and at 3:30pm, she too, felt like she was going to pass out. My Mom, who was at Wal-Mart getting curtains for the windows, also felt light-headed and dizzy. We think that because of this, it was at around 3:30pm when he passed. It wasn't until everyone came home and I walked past my Dad thinking he was just sleeping in his chair (as he usually did), which is why it never even phased us as to something being wrong. I looked at him, and noticed his ear looked very pale. I then told my Mom that I didn't like the colouring of his ear. I tried to wake him up, and called his name. He wasn't cold to the touch, nor was he stiff like with most people who have passed.

    My Mom tried to wake him up and when she couldn't, she tilted his head back and it drooped into her hands. My Mom looked at me and said "he's gone". I looked at her and said "no he's not, don't say that". I called 9-1-1 and told them what was going on and they asked us to put him on the floor so that when the medics arrived they could start CPR right away. My father was not a little man like he once was. He had severe edema (water weight/swelling), and I myself have back problems. At that moment, I ran down the hall and told my sister to wake up and that Dad was not breathing. Thankfully, my sisters boyfriend was over, so not even thinking that I might not be strong enough, we both lifted him fluidly out of his chair and onto the dining room floor. I picked up his legs and torso, and my sisters boyfriend picked up his arms and chest. The medics were there within 3 minutes of the call. I remember everything that happened that day/night. It is something I can never unsee. It is an image stuck so vividly in my memory, that it haunts me every night. Whenever I hear sirens, my heart rate speeds up, and I begin to breathe quickly, and get upset. I remember the smell of burnt rubber from the tires of the paramedics SUV that screeched to a halt in front of our house. I remember the sound of so many people in our house paying their respects before the funeral directors took his body out of our home and placed him onto the stretcher in the dark green body bag that he now laid in.

    I knew then that my Dad was not coming home anymore. I still cannot bring myself to think about it without getting emotional and getting upset. On February 19th, 2018, it will be the 2nd anniversary of his passing, and I am dreading it with every ounce of my being because I don't think I can handle it. I am constantly having flashbacks and nightmares of my Dad dying over and over again. All of the sounds that I heard that night come pouring back into my dreams and constantly keep me awake, or force me to wake up with a sheen of sweat across my forehead, and tears streaming down my face. It has been almost 2 years since I lost him, and I still feel as though it only happened yesterday. Watching my father die in our home, hearing the sounds of the paramedics breaking his ribs performing CPR, hearing the crying of everyone in our house, feeling people embrace me and not even being able to recall who it was that was hugging me, or saying they were sorry for my loss. I don't know how I am going to make it over this painful moment in my life, but if anyone can relate, I would love and appreciate hearing your stories and thoughts.
     

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  2. Regan

    Regan New Member

    Hi Andrea! I'm so sorry for your loss (I know it doesn't help saying that, I'm so tired of people telling me that). I lost my dad less then two months ago on December 5... I completely understand what you mean about dreading the anniversary of his death. I'm 10 months away and i dread it, I also dreaded Christmas, my birthday which was January 9, and I'm getting married May 5... I don't dread my wedding, but you know I dread the fact he wont be there to walk me down the aisle or dance with me. I also can relate to the flashbacks and dreams. Unfortunately I don't know what caused my fathers death yet which causes my mind to wonder to dark places on what could have happened.
    I'm 25 now and my little brother is 19 we both have had birthdays since Dad passed. Dad was only 49. Him and my mother are divorced and he is single so he lives alone. My brother goes to school 2 hours away and I live in a town 2 hours away. I was expecting to see my dad that night, because he had to have a shot in his back due to back pain and needed me to drive him the next day, so he was spending the night. I got a text from my grandmother (my dads mother) asking if I had heard from him because she had been trying to call for two days, and had not gotten him to answer. This is Tuesday and the last time I talked to him was the Friday before. This is very typical of my dad, he hates talking on the phone, and forgets to call people back. He also was off work due to his back pain. I really wasn't worried (or that's what i told myself), but I did have a sudden pit in my stomach. I was at work and told my boss I was going to kill him for making my grandmother worry.
    I tried to call and it went straight to voicemail. I called my mom, and asked if she could go check on him. She left work immediately it was 12 pm. She called me when she got to the house and told me his truck was there. I kept telling her he was ok, that he was probably just sleeping in late. She banged on the front door and called for him for awhile. I finally told her to go around knocking on all the windows. She did that and told me she could see his shoes in the living room and his phone on the recliner. I told her to break in the house, but she didn't want to because she was scared. I started yelling at her to GET IN THE HOUSE and stop being "scared" because he was fine. She said let me call my friend to come over with me. So she called her friend Debbie and my dads best friend Robert. I kept calling wanting updates, and Debbie started answering my moms phone. She told me they couldn't break in with a card so they were waiting on the cops (this was a lie). Immediately after she hung up I got a call from my fiancé. I could tell something was wrong with him he asked me where I was and told me to stay there he would be there in 5 minutes. I started screaming at him to tell me what was going on and he started crying and told me to just hang on he would see me in a minute. I threw my phone and went to the floor screaming and rolling around (I cant remember a lot of it). My boss immediately shut the door to our office and she held me like a baby while I lost it. I just remember screaming NO! at the top of my lungs. When I saw my fiancé walk into that room it made it that much worse. Iv never seen him cry and he was balling, that's when I knew my dad was dead. He drove me immediately to the town my parents lived in (the longest ride of my life). On the ride Evan told me that Robert had gotten into the house and found my dad already dead on the floor.
    The hardest part for me is not knowing what happened to him. They had to do an autopsy and we still don't have the results. But even with the cause of death I wont really know what happened. Iv gone through his phone and the last contact he had with anyone was Saturday around 6. They think it probably happened that night or sometime Sunday. The other thing that stings is the fact that my precious dad laid there alone for so long without any of us knowing. I know I'm not "supposed" to feel guilty and everyone says its not my fault, but i do I feel so freakin guilty. I was his person and I wasn't there for him. We were so close and I was his emergency contact on everything. I'm the one he called when he needed something or had news. I mean of course he called my brother too, but hes a teenager and not interested in our parents lives (which also makes me sad). I have dreams all the time about him lying there for days still alive and not able to get to the phone to call for help. It is torture. I think about him everyday all day.... All i want to do is lay in my bed and sleep... how do you keep going? Thanks for sharing your story btw and helping me share mine. I'm scared my friends and fiancé are exhausted from my emotional roller-coaster, but i just want to talk about him all the time. He was such a great man and incredible father.