Loss of my daughter, Age 22 to overdose

Discussion in 'Loss of Adult Child' started by Toribugnomore09, Apr 13, 2017.

  1. Toribugnomore09

    Toribugnomore09 New Member

    Victoria passed away on 11/10/16, she was 22 years old. She had a relapse and died to a mix of fentanyl/Heroin. She was getting ready to go into the Navy and something triggered her to use.

    Her birthday came and went, she would have been 23 on March 23rd. My birthday came and went on April 11th.

    Song's take on a new meaning, the words cut like a knife and the memories associated with the songs bring smiles and tears.

    I miss her so much and can't believe she isn't here. Sometimes I think she is at college and will come home.
    I am asking her for signs.... Any sign.... so i know she is OK.

    I think I was a bad mom, I could have done more, I should have prevented it some how, but I know these are inaccurate statements but my brain sometimes doesn't want to accept it.

    I talk to her all the time, I say good morning and good night. I sing to her........ My heart is torn in two.... I miss her so much.
     
  2. KER

    KER Member

    Hello, friend.....I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son April 20, 2016. He was a recovering addict, but overdosed on inhalants. The anniversary is coming soon, and like you, I think he'll call any time and I'll hear his voice again.

    You were NOT a bad mom; neither was I, although I, too, have gone through the "should have, could have, would haves". We beat ourselves up because we need to blame something or someone....and so we let the blame fall on ourselves. We're moms......it's in our blood to hold ourselves accountable for our kids.

    I have come to realize that I, and you too, will never get over this loss. We'll carry it until we die. Some days are easier than others: rejoice in the good days, and plod through the bad. This site cannot ease the pain, but I have found it somewhat helpful to talk with others who know full well what I'm feeling.

    Hang in there, friend......you are not alone.
     
  3. PhyllisG

    PhyllisG Active Member

    Hey Tori and KER - my heart truly, truly goes out to the both of you for the loss of your children. Let's all remember, our babies have been rescued by the Lord from the evil hold that the devil had on them. No longer do they suffer or have to worry. KER, I see the anniversary of your son's passing. I truly hope you made it okay. I have my son's 1st anniversary of the day he died looming in my near future too and am truly dreading it.

    My one and only child, my son Joey, died on June 17, 2016, after overdosing on heroin mixed with a lethal dose of fentanyl. Law enforcement is still working on tracking down the dealer who sold it to him. That could land him (them) in jail for murder. I am doing all I can to help the DEA in Jefferson County (Alabama) track down those heartless dope dealers. I will continue to do so until I die.

    I hope you all are hanging in there. Just don't internalize your sadness. Find just ONE person who can be there when you just need a shoulder to cry on. Everyone has to have at least one. Explain to them they don't have to have the "magic answer" but just need to listen and give a comforting hug.

    Please check in again soon. Hope all is as well as it can be.

    Phyllis
     
  4. Cindy11309

    Cindy11309 New Member

    Unfortunately I know too well your situation. My only child died from morphine intoxication in July 2016. I, too, am dreading the one year mark of his death. I still cry, at some point, every day and will probably do so for a long time, if not the rest of my life. I cannot go in his room or look at his belongings without still getting upset. It truly is one day, sometimes one minute at a time. Prayers to all of us for our devastating losses and dealing with our grief.
     
  5. Lisab

    Lisab Member

    I just want all of you to know that I feel your pain. My son Burke died from really strong xanax overdose and postural asphyxia. Cindy, I too cry at some point everyday. Nothing makes sense. Im trying to quit blaming myself but I have this enduring idea in my head that I could have fixed him. Also, I know what you mean when you say that your son's room is an emotional place for you. My husband and daughters think that it might be time to clean his room and that it might help everyone move on but its so hard to move his stuff. Our family is a perfect example of the way family members grieve differently. Not sure I will ever be able to clean out his room because that is where he left this world. Phyllis, the only comfort I get is that Burke is at peace now and not struggling anymore. It would help me so much if the police could say that they had found the drug dealer who sold it to him. They sent it to a p o box near our home. It came from Canada.
    Please know that I will pray for all four of you.
     
  6. Amy D

    Amy D New Member

    My heart goes out to all of you. Two weeks ago I lost my 22year old son to an overdose. I am trying to make sense of all this. But I just dont know where to begin. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
     
  7. Lisab

    Lisab Member

     
  8. KER

    KER Member

    Dear AmyD.......my heart aches for you, for I know full well what you are going through right now. Two weeks after my son died I still couldn't think clearly, let alone write anything down on any kind of website. Hold on, Amy......the days of being incapacitated will become fewer, the anguish less sharp. I wish it would go away completely.......but I know now we'll never be over this. I can't say we "get used" to it. Rather, in my case, it seems I've assimilated it. That probably doesn't make much sense (but hey, I've had a lot of days in the last year when I didn't make much sense)

    There are no pat answers on this website. But there is kindness, and caring, and a fellowship of other grievers who are ready and willing to let you vent and lend a virtual shoulder to cry on. You aren't alone, AmyD. We hear you, and we understand.
     
  9. Mary Jo

    Mary Jo Member

     
  10. Mary Jo

    Mary Jo Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I cried when I read your post. My beautiful daughter, Maryrose passed away May 11, 2016. Same story fentanyl/Heroin. I talk to her and sing to her and still forget she is gone. I miss her desperately.
     
  11. Nicole Evans

    Nicole Evans New Member

    Hello friends~
    Today is an especially difficult day for me. Although I am an open book by nature, I don't usually post my dirty laundry on the internet in search of empathy and/or finding a lasting friendship. However, I've never felt so lonely or lost in my entire life.
    Today is my birthday. I have always loved celebrating my birthday. But today I want to get back into bed and cry myself to sleep. My daughter alexis died this past April....just 3 months ago. My grief is constantly changing. Right now I'm in the phase where I long to hear her voice and hear her on the phone with a bright, " Hi mom...". No one has ever loved or appreciated me with the fierceness that Alexis loved me with. I miss that and the being that she was. She died of an overdose of xanax and oxy. I just wish I could have an adult conversation with somebody...anybody...that can empathize. My husband is her step father and they didn't have the best relationship. My marriage is and has been hanging on thread. None of my friends can empathize. They try to be there or be kind but I am on an island all by myself. I don't know how to navigate this new world. I am sorry for the sob story. I figured it can't hurt to put myself out there and pray and hope something wonderful comes of it. Thank you for reading this and please don't judge me too harshly. I wasn't prepared to lose my 20 year old...my best friend...my everything.
     
  12. KER

    KER Member

    First of all, Nicole, I wish you a happy birthday.....although I know this is probably the most awful birthday you've ever had. If you read the above posts in this thread, you will see that you are not alone. This site is saturated with grieving moms, dads, spouses, children, siblings, sweethearts. It's a little overwhelming how much profound grief there is "out there". Every day is an anniversary of someone's loss. Every day is another "first" day someone spends without their loved one: a first anniversary, a first birthday, the first Christmas......it goes on and on.

    I am 15 months into the loss of my son. There is not one day since his death when I haven't thought of him. And I've come to believe there never will be. I still see the world around me in "grief-colored" glasses. People around me are going on with their mundane lives and mine is shattered. Sometimes that makes me very, very angry. I will say that I don't cry every day any more. That's not to say I don't cry......but there are more good days than there were. I am blessed to have two other sons, two wonderful daughters-in-law, and two sweet granddaughters, and they all bring me joy.......for that I'm grateful, because I didn't think I'd every feel any joy again.

    You've said none of your friends can empathize. And you're right.....they simply can't, because they haven't lost a child. And the idea is so abhorrent to them they refuse to entertain that idea. You'll also find that after a "reasonable length of time" many will expect you to "get past it". There's even a term for that: it's called "disenfranchised grief". There is no "getting past"......there is only "going through". The reality is everyone goes through grief stages differently; and they owe no one any explanations.

    As regards your marriage: unfortunately, many relationships break up after a heavy loss. My husband and I had some rocky times. But thankfully, we both realized what was happening and worked hard at holding ON to each other instead of allowing the grief to push us apart. I hope you and your husband can work through this together.

    And: you are not on an island by yourself. If you've spent any time on this site you will see that for truth. As I've written in posts above: there are no fixes here, no answers. But there is a caring community of aching people who can fully commiserate with one another and fully understand. Feel free to rant, rave, share. There is NO JUDGING here......we all hurt.

    Blessings to you, Nicole..........
     
  13. PhyllisG

    PhyllisG Active Member

    Hey Nicole and KER. First of all, please know that each of you (and the many, many other parents out there suffering needlessly after losing a child). Nicole, your post really struck a chord with me - it really did. I just got through the first year after losing my only child, my son Joey, on June 17, 2016. In many ways, it seems I just lost him a couple of months ago. But it also seems like an absolute eternity since I've heard my Angel's voice. I actually spoke with my Joey just 2 or 3 hours before he was rescued from the grips of his addiction. Unfortunately, the heroin he put in his vein on June 17, 2016, also included Fentanyl and his heart was stopped almost instantly.

    Your statements about being lonely stood out to me. I feel I am now entering the phase of my grief where I feel so lonely that I have prayed I could be taken to be with Joey. I am married, but like you, this is my second marriage and we have been together for 22 years. The fact is that unless you are the biological parent of a child that passes away, there is no way anyone else can possibly understand exactly how you feel. You are correct about the other people whose lives just continue on. It is just far too much to wrap their brain around what that feels like. The simply cannot handle that. And yes, it makes me VERY angry sometimes that everyone around me, even "good friends" are just going about their lives, continuing to raise their own children, but my world is shattered. I am not the same person - I have yet to figure out who I am. I go through phases of crying....I might go 3 days and be fine, but just as an example, I was driving home from work last night, heard a song on the radio, and burst into tears because it reminded me of Joey.

    No one here is alone, I know that. You will find comfort and understanding, and that is really all we can get. The solution that we all really want (for none of us to EVER have lost our flesh and blood) simply cannot be. Please do not expect to "get over" this.....it will get easier though, I promise, at some point. Nicole, please hold on to your marriage if you possibly can. I understand about the relationship between your husband and daughter, but it is all over now. That can now be left in the past - especially since their difficulties most likely related to your daughter's. Your daughter is now at peace and no longer suffers. Don't feel guilty about you and your husband now being able to also have peace. I have FINALLY reached the stage where I no longer feel guilty about not having to ever worry about Joey again. I worried about him day and night for 11 years before the story finally came to a close. They could not be in a better place right now.

    I don't want to ramble, but I want to give you and anyone else who sees this a little something I thought about that brings me peace every single day. Our sweet babies we have lost will NEVER have to go through losing their parents. I am very thankful for that. Peace be with each of you......I will check back soon.

    Phyllis
     
  14. KER

    KER Member

    Phyllis, thank you for your post. It amazes me at how much we all share......not just the grief, but all the feelings that go along with this loss. I prayed for you, Phyllis, on the anniversary of Joey's death. And as I did so, a staggering thought occurred to me.......EVERY day is the anniversary of someone's loss, the last day of some mother's child, maybe the first birthday missed, or the beginning of someone's grief journey. EVERY day is a milestone for someone, somewhere. And with this realization, this epiphany, came an overwhelming feeling of guilt......because, until Brian died, I was OBLIVIOUS to this fact. Until I "joined" this "club" of grievers, I was one of those clueless "going about the busyness of my life" people.

    And so.......now, during my prayer/devotional time, I pray for the grievers, old and new, who struggle through their journeys, as I struggle through mine. And I ask forgiveness for being so oblivious, and for patience and understanding towards those who are now like I once was.

    Blessings to you all, sisters in grief.......we are not alone........
     
  15. Janice McEvoy

    Janice McEvoy New Member

    Hello....my name is Janice and I too am a grieving mother and share in your pain with all my heart. I lost my daughter, my best friend, Casey, to a heroin overdose on May 20, 2017. She was 24 years old. We live in Pittsburgh, PA. She flew to California on January 13th to check into a rehab. This was her 9th, maybe 10th rehab. I lost count. She had almost 90 days clean but for some reason, she walked away and into the streets. I got her into a hotel and was frantically calling other rehabs to get her into a detox. She overdosed in the hotel on the second night.

    I believe that nothing will ever be the same again. There will never be a day I stop loving or thinking about my daughter. There is no moving on or past this. As long as I breathe, I will grieve for my daughter.

    Thank you for listening.
     
  16. KER

    KER Member

    Hello, Janice. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Your grief is new and overwhelming, your life is in pieces. We here know how you feel because we've been (and still are) there too. You are correct: nothing will ever be the same again, you will think of your daughter every day for the rest of your life, and you'll grieve this loss until you die. There is no moving on, no getting over or past this grief......there is only moving THROUGH it. The pain is so intense there are literally no words to express it.

    I'm glad you've found this site. It has been cathartic for me to "listen" to other moms who hurt like I do. Does it make it better?? No, but somehow it helps. Because the members on this site can identify totally while friends, relatives, neighbors, really have no clue what we are going through.

    I will pray for you, Janice. I know that's not enough..........but I hope you can draw some comfort from reading posts on this site from others who hurt like you do. It helps (a little) to know you're not alone.
     
  17. Nicole Evans

    Nicole Evans New Member

    Hi Janice, Ker, and Phyllis~

    I am so grateful for the many blessings in my life ...in particular the connections I am beginning to make on this site. Genuine empathy from others is hard to come by. What KER said is so true...friends and relatives can't relate. Just tonight, my brother made a nasty comment in reference to Alexis's death. Shame on him!! Suffice it so say, the past four months have been agonizing. Truth be told, things are getting slightly harder, not easier. I know with time it will. But right now, it's a lot to carry...a big burden to bear. Unfortunately, I am going through a separation/divorce. This is recent as of this week....all while trying to start a new school year, find a place to live, etc. All I can do is pray and find comfort in the connections here. So, any of you religious friends, please pray that I am able to move somewhere like this weekend... I need to be out on my own in order to function. I am in a very unhealthy situation. I will pray for all of us who are navigating this world after suffering tremendous loss. It's not easy. But together we are stronger...and together we shall persevere!
     
  18. PhyllisG

    PhyllisG Active Member

    Hey there Nicole and everyone. I must say that I bet every grieving parent can relate - a little empathy can be very, very hard to come by sometimes. It's really not that I'm being a baby about it or expecting special treatment, but sometimes I just feel like no one else gives a damn. It sounds harsh, but that's how it seems. I can't even get my husband (my Joey's stepfather, not his birthfather) to understand that sometimes, I just want to cry out of the blue and the only thing I want is for him to comfort me. My husband had a wonderful relationship in the early days of our marriage and Joey's younger years. However, he began to really build great resentment of Joey because of how his addiction had me constantly, day and night, worried about whether he was dead or alive. I worried so much and was just so desperate to save my only child's life for slightly more than 10 years before we lost that battle on June 17, 2016. All of that really, really took a toll on Joey's whole family. There were times when both myself and Joey's father's marriages were at risk of ending. This was because Joey's father and I shelled out money for years, but since we rarely talked or saw one another, neither of us knew the other was giving (or "loaning", depending on who you ask) money to Joey. We were both hiding it from our spouses, but as the real parent, you will do anything to help your child. The step-parents cannot possibly understand - it's not their child. I consider myself very lucky that my husband stuck things out and finally forgave me for that.

    For some reason I just cannot explain, I have really been having a hard time lately as far as just day-to-day living. It seems to be getting harder for me lately, but I do not know why. It has been 14 months and it just seems to be getting harder for me to just get out of bed, run errands, get ready for work and then going to work. It seems like climbing a mountain and I get so incredibly tired of it. And I cannot stand to be alone. I almost feel like I'm leading a double life...my "real" life here where I can cry when I want and say what I want, then the "other" life where I pretend I'm doing great and really "getting over" the fact that my only child, and the only real reason I lived, is now gone forever. I don't even know who I am right now.

    There are only two people on this earth that really understand this pain and agony of losing Joey, and that's me and his father.

    As always, I will keep everyone in my prayers. 8May peace be with us all.

    Phyllis
     
  19. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Phyllis, I think there are so many who can relate to what you are going through and I'm sorry for all the pain you are experiencing.
    Grievers often tell me that they feel it's getting worse, rather than better. I'm not sure if you've had a chance to read our blogs, but I would hope you can find some support there. I think there are several that could help, "Grieving in the Second Year After a Loss", "10 Things Only a Griever Understands", "Secondary Losses: Why Grief is So Hard & Lasts So Long", and "When Your Loss is Hurting Your Relationship". You can find these by going to the "Resources" tab & then "Blog".
    Of course I understand that reading an article isn't a magical fix, but what I hope they and this site and general can provide is the reassurance that you are not alone in this experience. What you are feeling is "normal" even if it feels as far as "normal" as you've ever felt. You have suffered a great loss. It's okay not to be okay.
    Please continue to check in with us, and let us help you as you continue forward and thank you for continuing to share your journey with us.
    Wishing you all the best~