I don't know if this will help me or if reading this will help anyone. But I'm writing just the same. I loss my baby brother in December 4 years ago . It was said he fell asleep while driving and ran into this tree stump. It was said he died instantly. Since no human was there I don't know how they know. I know his earthly life was lost. And I haven't been able to move on since that morning I was told he was "gone". I have been to three grief counselors over the past years. They all end up wanting me to take pills but I won't. I allowed the first counselor to have my doctor prescribe pills the first year after his death. The pills actually allowed me to stop crying after 90+days in a row of crying. (They thought the crying was hurting me) I'm sure it was but the prescription that actually would not allow me to cry didn't help so I stopped and never took any more pills again. I do not think anything stops the pain. It will be 4 years since he's been "gone" in December and the pain is as deep as if it happened yesterday. I cry often still. I have kept as busy as possible. I have gone through all of the emotions I think are possible. Smiling and remembering good times, sorry for anything I said to him tersely, wishing it was me in place of him, wondering all of the steps I could have taken as a big sister that would have prevented the car accident. (if only I had called him that night, texted him, not called him over to the house the day before so he wouldn't have been tired and not fallen asleep at the wheel, anything). We were the 2 closest people in the family. I've been angry, I've been lots of things but mostly, most of all I've not been myself without him. I miss him with all of me. I see his smile, I hear his voice in my head...I actually know he would be angry to know how my life has stood still for these 4 years. I do try to move forward but i miss him with most of my heart....the rest is just here caring for my mom and sister and hoping that if God is God that he allows him to see that I'm doing all I know to do. It's been almost 4 years and I wonder how long I will be this way. I put on this joyful happy persona in front of everyone that knows me.....but inside, everyday, during the day and especially at night......the tears come and I just want him to be alive.