Loss of mother

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Carol Todd, Aug 24, 2017.

  1. Carol Todd

    Carol Todd New Member

    I lost my mom in may, 2017. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in Oct, 2016. She went through chemo and radiation, which was successful. She was in remission in March, 2017. But then she underwent 10 additional rounds of radiation to her head on the advise of her radiologist. He said it would prevent the cancer from spreading to her brain if it came back. Shortly after she started that round she began getting weaker and weaker, and constantly nauseous. She had such a rapid decline, and just collapsed one evening. I got her to the hospital and or hours they just had her on IV fluids. They ran some tests and eventually came in and told me that it looked like her cancer has returned. They asked me if I wanted to have her admitted or take her home. Well I didn't know what to do, so I took her home, which was a mistake. I ended up having to take her back to the hospital. They told me they were not equipped to administer the kind of care she needed, and asked what hospital we wanted her transferred to. We ended up getting her to another hospital, but by then it had been hours since she had collapsed. At this hospital they admitted her into the critical care unit, and told us she had a severe UTI. I was actually relieved, because it wasn't the cancer as we had been told at the other hospital. But by the time she was finally started on antibiotics, the infection had spread to her bloodstream. Her body was just too weak to fight the infection, and she died on the third day in that hospital. It has been three months, and I still have not been able to wrap my head around the fact that she is really gone. She was 82 years old. But before her diagnosis last October, she was so healthy and active. I know I should have gotten her to the doctor sooner, but I thought her weakness and sickness was due to the radiation treatments. It never occurred to me that she even had a UTI. I feel so guilty. She should still be here with us. She so wanted to live, and watch her great grandsons grow. It just breaks my heart. I will never get over this. Before she went into the hospital, I think she also thought the cancer had returned. It just makes me so sad that she died, not of cancer, but an infection that should have been treatable.
     
  2. SiobhanG

    SiobhanG New Member

    Dear Carol..I am very sorry for the loss of your Mom, my mom passed away suddenly in may 2017 as well. She hadn't felt well, went to the hospital and days later when they could make a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer spread to liver and lungs the doctor told us she could still have 6 months but she passed 2 days later. Its a very terrible loss to lose our Moms no matter what age they leave us. It sounds like despite your moms previous battle with cancer that her passing was quite sudden in the way it happened. It's hard to move on or forward I think because we replay things in our minds that we could have done differently had we only known if that makes sense and it leaves us with a sense of struggling and guilt. Somehow we have to learn that we did the best we could at any given moment with the information we had and forgive ourselves so we can be free of some of that guilt or longing for a second chance that won't come. I hope some of my words can help you cope with how hard it is..I know it is very hard. I myself have a difficult time not being stuck and replaying and wishing I could have my mom back because it hurts very much to be without her. I hope you will be O.K.
     
    griefic likes this.
  3. Carol Todd

    Carol Todd New Member

    Thanks for understanding, SiobhanG. I have joined a support group at my church, and I look forward to those meetings every week. I have also started to work with the children's bible study group. My mom and I taught 4th grade Sunday School for several years, so just being involved with the children's ministry helps. My mom was a huge influence in my life. Having to adjust to her absence is very difficult.
    I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I know the hurt you feel and the emotional roller coaster you are on. I pray that you find peace. Thanks again for taking the time to reach out to me.
     
    griefic likes this.
  4. SiobhanG

    SiobhanG New Member

    Hi Carol, Thank you as well for responding to me. It sounds like we have some similar things in common. My mom worked for our local church for 30 plus years before her retirement. My first memories are of sending my older brothers off to school ( me being to young to go) and going with my mom to her job at the rectory. I would color with my coloring books and play with the church cat on the rectory floor. I agree... it is so very difficult adjusting to the absence of my mom. My mom had a wonderful faith even as she spent her last days in the hospital. I am having such a hard time, I think because I struggle with faith..in a sense my mom was the keeper of my faith. Carrying on without her has been difficult and sometimes it still feels like such a shock. Somethings that have been difficult is that I have struggled with life long depression so now I have depression and grief. I have gone back to therapy to help with this as well as seeking information on any local grief groups..My depression is getting in the way of following through with some information but at some point I will be ready. I am glad if that's the right word, to hear that you have found some comfort in being involved with the children's ministry. Grief is a long road and I wish you continued comfort as you travel the road with out your Mom. Many Blessing wished for you!
     
    griefic likes this.
  5. Carol Todd

    Carol Todd New Member

    I think it's natural to struggle with faith when you loose a loved one. Especially if it's your mom and it was sudden and unexpected. My mom was still living independently, although she had gotten progressively weaker the last week, before I got her to hospital. And when your faith was intertwined with your mom's, you kind of feel like maybe God is no longer present in your life. I personally felt like God was so far away because he was disappointed in me. But, through reading scripture and attending the grief support meetings, i have begun to realize that he is in fact very near. We just need to continue to reach out to him. He promises to carry you when your disparate paralyzes you.
    I am glad to hear that you'received working in therapy on your depression, and I hope you keep looking until you find a grief support group.
    I will include you in my prayers, that you find your way out of your depression and into a support group that can relate to your grief and help you get through this journey.
     
    griefic likes this.