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Losing so much in 9 months...

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by Kathie Sullivan, Nov 13, 2016.

  1. I am new to this forum but am looking for help. I lost my job of 20 years, January 29th as my company went out of business due to Obamacare. I had expected to retire from this company but it was not to be. My Mom was in hospice at the time and I was able to use February-September to spend that time with her and be her advocate. My Mom was both Mom and Dad to me as my Father had little to do with me and hasn't spoken to me in over 30 years after many tries by me. My Mom's only sister, my beloved Aunt Audrey passed away from Leukemia on June 25th. I traveled to the funeral alone and my brother and I had to tell our dying Mother her only sister died. My Mom passed on September 7th and my only brother and I had two funerals, one here and one in Virginia where she was born and raised. My church honored her last Sunday during an All Saints Day service and then last night, my Mom's step-brother Billy passed away of Leukemia. I am having such a difficult time and feel I have NO ONE who understands what I'm going through and my own husband is telling me to "just get over it".

    My Mom's entire life savings went to the nursing home the past three years and my brother and I had to split the expenses for both funerals. My doctors have applied for SSN disability for me as I have numerous medical conditions (arthritis, interstitial cystitis, asthma and other conditions). The disability process is a very long process and you cannot apply for unemployment if you are waiting on disability. I feel like I'm at my wits end and I have been trying to feel better. I've been walking, trying to do positive things, but then more deaths and bad news keep happening.

    Any suggestions on books to read for multiple losses in a short amount of time? I feel like I can't take much more. HELP.
     
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Hi Kathie, you have been through so much, and I'm so sorry to hear of all you have had to suffer. I am consistently surprised at how many grievers I meet who are dealing with so much loss. Loss of multiple loved ones, loss of job, loss of a marriage, or a home....it is truly unfair the hand so many are dealt.
    I'm sure it does not help that it feels like your husband doesn't understand.
    I think what often happens with spouses and very close family is that they just want us to return to our old selves. It's usually less a case of them not caring, and more often it's because they just want you to be "normal" and happy again.
    The road to grief is a very very long one, and we may find we barely have patience for it, let alone the people around us.
    I feel that most times it's only fellow grievers that can understand what it's like to try and walk this road. And that's what this site is all about.
    We are a new site, but growing quickly and we have new members joining every day. There are people out there who understand and I know this is a place where you can find comfort and support.
    Please check out our reading list - there may not be a book specifically on multiple losses but each one listed can be helpful for many different types of grief. I hope it can be a help to you...
     
  3. I ordered a book your site suggested on Sunday. I have also reached out to a new counselor and am awaiting an appointment with her. Thank you for replying and reaching out to me.
     
    griefic likes this.
  4. What a touching, kind and wonderful note Ellen. Thank you so very much. I am sorry for all you've gone through too. It sounds like we've both been "clobbered" all at once. You sound like you are dealing with it all very well and healthfully and I'm glad you have your beautiful cat Kennedy.

    I do have two fur babies, Stella - 12 and Romeo - 3. They are both rescues and Stella, my tuxedo kitty was not happy when I brought Romeo home when he was 12 weeks old. They have learned to co-exist and they are my strength right now. I am blessed to have a wonderful Pastor, Wendee from church and a supportive church family. My husband is normally my rock and has been for 11 years, however, seeing me fall apart and witnessing my grief, anxiety and depression was foreign to him. My Pastor is going to stop by on Sunday afternoon and have a chat with us about grief. I am a strong believer in the power of prayer and have prayed constantly this past year and never go to sleep at night with out prayer and naming my gratitude items for the day also.

    I started counseling last night and I am not sure if I will stay with her. I will give her a chance and we shall see how it goes. I purchased a book from this site's suggested reading list and will start reading it this week. She said she's been a master therapist for over 28 years, so I will give her a chance. She was a bit unorganized and quirky, but I'm going to give the process a chance.

    I am going to try to continue to walk a few times a week to get out of the house and just take it day by day, one day at a time.
     
  5. Did you ever seek grief counseling with a therapist? I started last night but just don't feel like I connected with her. I'm torn whether to give her another chance or just cancel.
     
  6. Thanks so much Ellen. My head was telling me to go one more time to see if it's better the next time. I am a firm believer of therapy that helped me back in the 90's with my divorce. I had a great one when my Mom first went into the nursing home, but she retired. It's so hard to find a good therapist. I've been searching for groups in this area, but there are not any available at this time.
     
  7. marina

    marina Member

    I will start by tell you i feel your pain all ive heard are condolences i want so bad for someone to understand grief. My mother was diagnosed with cancer i fullfilled my promises to her and kept her home. I lost my job also i was under so much stress. In away it was a blessing it gave me time with her i did find a new one not one i am happy with they gave me time to be with my mom until god took her home Oct 21 i never stop holding her hand. Our church also honored my mother on all souls day. I have found some comfort in church listening to christian music also helps. Iam at a loss when it comes to our home we shared and now she left to me i know i need to go through things but find myself holding on to everything and not sure how to hold my tears back at times even feel a liitle mad.
     

  8. I'm so sorry Marina. All of the feelings you are dealing and having are real. Let them happen. After two and a half months of my Mom passing, I feel like I've turned the corner a bit. All Saints Day set me back, but the past two days were very good, positive days. Let yourself grieve, cry, get mad, sleep all of the time and do what you need to do. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. It's a process and I know I'll have more grief days. I'm just hoping the good days will continue as time goes on. Never stop reaching out to talk when you need help!
     
  9. Hi Ellen,

    I am doing ok. I finally found a fantastic psychotherapist a few months ago that I really connected with and have been going weekly. She really has gotten me to open up more than anyone in the past. I was denied social security disability in December and am currently in the appeal process of that. It's a long waiting process with them as Ive heard from many. My husband doesn't want me to go back to work and I just can't see me working again. We just suffered another loss this week also. My brother's best friends wife of 25 years was murdered at a bank she worked at as a branch manager. This shooter was coming to the bank to kill his wife who also worked there, but instead killed two others, one being Dianne. He then went to her lawyers office and shot her attorney and then killed a police officer. The police have him in custody, but we will have to travel to Wausau next week for Dianne's funeral service. Bob is just devastated as is my brother. Bob was best man at my brother's wedding two years ago and his wife was just a special person.

    I've gained 13 pounds since my Mom died and feel horrible. I was already horribly overweight, so I need to work on that issue soon too.

    How are you doing Ellen?
     
  10. I'm trying to take it all just one day at a time. Please tell me why your week was rough. I'm here to listen and help too.