Life continues around you, but you are not in it

I lost my husband, my other half July 12 2016. he died of pancreatic cancer at home. He fought it for 2-1/2 years. He didn't want to die. He was my best friend. We did everything together. We didn't have outside friends, we had each other. We both had been married twice before and we finally found each other. We started dating in 2001 and finally got married in 2009. My faith is strong but I still struggle on why. I miss him so much every day. I go to work everyday, which happens to be my saving grace. Coming home at night and the weekends are a nightmare. My daughter lives 4 hours away and his children live nearby, but I am not their priority. I try to reach out but they never seem to reach back. I am hoping by joining this I can communicate with others in my situation. One last thing I haven't been able to go through his belongings yet. Emotionally it is to hard.

 

This is just to add on my first post.
No one told me the second year would be harder than the first after losing Tim. The hospice social worker explained it as the first year you are still in a fog. The second reality sets in that this is forever. The hardest part is we had no out side friends that were really close to us, so I am trying to find friends. The friends we had together don't even call. Funny how supportive they are when your spouse first dies., but disappear soon after and leave you lost. This is hard. One they don't understand how you feel . You try to find something in common but when you are so close like Tim and I were you find they really don't get it and you don't have a lot in common. So work have become very special to me. Even my co workers don't get it. But that is ok. I am so busy while I am there I don't pay any attention.

 

I would lose myself in my work too. My husband and I had a love hate relationship. He even told me once that I wasn't good enough for his friends but he shared them anyway. But it doesn't make me miss him any less. His friends came around for awhile I think because of our son who is now 19. They wanted to keep tabs on him. But as you said, we really had nothing in common but some of the same music they would play when they got together to jamb. My son played 7 years of violen so he's playing guitar now, would like to keep in touch with his dads friends but has a whole lot of other interests and life ahead of him.
I lost the job I loved December 2015. I lost my coworker friends, so they said to my face, along with the job. I'm 57 years old. I have a wheelchair now that I could have used to take the walk in the park with my coworkers and many other things I couldn't do anymore. But I can't even use it to get from house to car. I'm 57, my kids are grown and I'm all alone. The church turned their backs on me many years ago and I have since become agnostic, which to many people, scares them off. I don't see myself ever wanting to date anymore. I just can't stand the isolation, the silence. I tried Facebook but the comments from old school friends would insinuate I was going to burn in hell. That's not the communication I'm needing right now. I just need plutonic no strings attached friendship accepting and relating to where I am in my life. I still wake up some mornings calling out to my husband like he is just in the next room. No friends has to be the worst part of recovering from loss. How do I make new friendships at my age? I'm just a little blue dot in a very red conservative state. The more I see the political adds on TV that the conservative politician wants to take away my healthcare, my family being "high risk", pushes me farther and farther from the church, from my neighbors and from the community. There is nothing here for me anymore.

 

So sorry for your loss , I too lost my husband from cancer , its so hard to watch them die , its only been 9 months and I'm so mad and alone in this , I watched as it slowly stole him away , most days I want to throw myself on the floor and beat the walls till my pain blinds me and I can't feel anymore , we found out Aug 25 2017 and he passed away Oct 12 2017 , we never knew that he had cancer till he fell sick at work and came home, when they told us in the hospital it was like a dark nightmare of unbelief , I feel so alone , I have kids next door but have no support , they are doing their own thing , , Ive had people ask me if I got mad at God , I tell them not once , I know if it hadn't been for God I couldn't make it , He gives me the strength to keep going , He's all I have , I pray that you have peace and that God gives you strength to keep going