I'm Alone Now

Discussion in 'Loss of Both Parents' started by Nick Dudley, May 6, 2018.

  1. Nick Dudley

    Nick Dudley New Member

    My name is Nick. Mom died when I was a little kid and my brother was a baby. Since then, Mom has become a contraband at home: no talking about her, no pictures, no things. Dad buried himself at work and the house staff looked after me and my little bro--they still do. Dad's rarely home, I don't even know if he thinks of us anymore (other than physically providing needs). I don't know if I qualify for "lost both parents." I feel like an orphan, though.

    I'm the only one who's keeping Mom's memory alive. I tell my brother about her (in secret). Adults I talked to aren't helping ("Give your Dad space."). Wish I knew how to deal with all this stuff. It's confusing.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Nick, thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry for your loss and the losses you have suffered since. I think your story illustrates how long lasting grief is, and how far reaching the effects can be. I'm not sure that giving your Dad space is necessarily the answer as space is all that has been given. But can you change him? Probably not. And that's one of the most frustrating things in life and in grief, is how little we are able to change the circumstances of our loss or change the way people around us react. It looks like it has been left to you to keep your mother's memory alive. And while I'm sure that feels like a very big and very lonely task at times, I would see it as an opportunity to demonstrate the very loving and deep connection you and your mom obviously shared.
    In the end, trying to understand your Dad is going to work better than trying to change him. I'm sure there is a part of him that would like to talk about your mom and honor her in the way you've mentioned but he can't. He just can't. And while that may not seem like a good enough answer, the bottom line is if he could, he would. It's a gate, a door or a window that he just doesn't want to open. Some people fear showing their emotion, being vulnerable, or opening themselves up to the pain that loss brings. Some people worry if they ever allow themselves to cry, even for just a moment, they will never stop. I imagine your Dad thought he was doing his best by being strong, and for better or worse, that's what is expected of men in our society: strength.
    Of course it takes strength to really love and really grieve, but he just may not be able to do that.
    You are not alone in loving and missing a mother and I hope you can find some help and support here. Please keep in touch.
    I wish you all the best~