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I want my Mom back

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by Daburgfam, Apr 30, 2018.

  1. Daburgfam

    Daburgfam New Member

    I'm here because I lost my Mom on October 1st last year. It feels like my world has stopped in its tracks and everyone else is moving forward. I re-live the day I lost her over and over. I had talked to her 2 hours before on the phone. She had been in the hospital with pneumonia but was doing well and was going to be moved to a rehab facility where she could get completely better. I had talked to her about it and we talked about normal everyday things. She was happy to be getting out of the hospital. 2 hours later a nurse was calling me asking what my mother's last wishes were. I begged her to do everything she could to save my mom. I begged God not to take my mom. She was gone within 5 minutes of the phone call. My mom and I lived 13 hours apart but we talked a lot, at least 4 times a week. I had gone home in August and stayed an extra week so that I could be with her longer. The last time I saw my mom I was leaving for the airport and she was crying and begging me not to go home not to leave her. I had planned to come back up in September and pick her up and bring her home with me for a couple of months but that never happened. I can't get the image of her crying and begging me not to go out of my mind. I miss her every day and I want to talk to her more than anything. I have a 3 year old granddaughter who she loved dearly and a grandson who is 9 months old that she never got to hold. My granddaughter is always saying and doing cute things and all I want to do is pick up the phone and call my mom and tell her all about it. I can't imagine going the rest of my life and not talking to her or hearing her voice. When I think of my granddaughter graduating from high school and I still won't have talked to my mom, it is unbearable. To think that in 20 years or 30 years if I'm still here I still won't have talked to my mom or seen her again, that she will still be gone. That thought is unbearable but I know it's true. I don't feel like myself anymore I go through life on autopilot. I take care of my two grandchildren while their parents work so I have to put on a happy face for them and I have to try to move forward but I cry a lot when I'm alone especially when I'm driving. I have a beautiful family that I cherish and I've told myself that I need to look forward and not backwards but I've lost all the people that were in my life growing up. All my aunts and uncles that I loved and cherished are gone. my mom and dad are gone. Feels like life is loss and sadness. I have anxiety that I'm going to lose someone I love. When my husband travels for work I worry that he won't come home. when I'm not with my grandchildren I worry that something bad will happen and that I'll lose them. I feel like I've lost myself. So many people have told me that it just takes time that you learn to move forward but that doesn't seem possible. As I said how do I go the rest of my life without ever talking to my mom again. It is unbearable. I used to be a happy upbeat person, people called me "bubbly". That person is gone. I want to feel like me again.
     
  2. Strong for too long

    Strong for too long New Member

    I am sorry for your loss. I also lost my mom last year, but in September. It was the day before my sons bday. I had to go from sad and sobbing to celebrating his day in a days time. He turned ten and never really knew his grandma that well bc she lived across the country and we couldn’t afford to visit much. It sounds like you visited your mom a lot and I feel good for you that you had that opportunity. My mom was sick and in a facility and then hospice. I didn’t have enough warning between her taking a turn for the worse and the time she passed. I was thinking about flying down and asking for a few days off then I got the call that she passed and it was too late. I have the same fears about never hearing her voice again. I have a saved voicemail that is her saying she loves me and wishes she could talk to me. I didn’t play it until just now and wept. I don’t know if I should keep it. It’s either gonna be soothing someday or is unhealthy. Not sure which. I’m going through a divorce and need her so much to talk to and laugh with. I can laugh with my kids but it’s not the same. Do you feel like that too?
    wishing you peace and all good things—